


Façade

by written_with_no_end



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: (I was so happy that rhymed, (more like rivals to lovers), And a little but of smut, Angst, But also major fluff sometimes, Enemies to Lovers, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Harry is in White Eskimo, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Mentions of drugs, Mentions of louis and cara, Minor background ziam, Publicity Stunts, The Rogues - Freeform, WIP, White Eskimo, alcohol tw, although babygate still sort of happens, and everything happens, and have been friendly rivals for four years without ever meeting, and then they do, aro!niall, aro/ace oc, both are lead singers and play the guitar, but don't let that put you off, but not abuse, cancer tw, cigarette and alcohol use, depression tw, drugs tw, even worse than canon ones, fake relationship au, famous au, famous/famous au, ignore me), like stupid ones, louis is in the the rogues, major angst, mentions of a dead character, mentions of depression, mentions of homophobia and racism, so trigger warning there, there are a few original characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-05-18 16:13:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 133,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5934733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/written_with_no_end/pseuds/written_with_no_end
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Do you want to fuck stuff up Louis?” Harry asked with a dark look to the corner of the room where Harry McGee was laughing with an old friend.<br/>Louis nodded; he knew Harry’s story and Harry knew his. Harry had Kendall, Louis had Eleanor and they both had their managers and their bands and their stupid fake images because a celebrity had to be straight.<br/>Harry took Louis’ small hand in his and pulled him through the crowds and various rooms until they were stood in front of two pulsing speakers where Niall was filming Liam on the decks. Harry looked at Niall’s phone, saw where the camera was pointing and pulled Louis right into it’s view.<br/>“Are you sure you want to do this?” Harry checked, leaning over Louis almost protectively. “I hardly know you.”<br/>“You don’t need to.” Louis replied with a swallow and Harry pulled him in for a kiss that Louis hadn’t realised he was waiting for. </p>
<p>OR</p>
<p>An AU where Louis is the lead singer of The Rogues, Harry is the lead singer of White Eskimo and both are sick of being in the closet so kiss one night to fuck with the media.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

It was two o’clock in the morning and Louis Tomlinson was bent over a toilet bowl with vomit spewing from his mouth. It wasn’t the first time and would certainly not be the last this happened but for the first time ever Louis didn’t mind or regret the way he’d gotten into this state.

 It was Harry’s fault and Louis loved it – relished even in the fact that Harry Styles had partied with him and gotten him so drunk that his stomach was emptying itself to end up in the sewers below London.

 Louis also loved Stanley Lucas. Stanley Lucas who had decided it would be a good idea to blag their way backstage for a White Eskimo concert they didn’t have tickets for which had consequently lead to them being invited back to the band’s house for a massive end of tour party.

 And maybe Louis’ favourite part of the evening had been when Harry had glanced darkly over at Harry McGee, his manager, and then asked Louis if he wanted to fuck the world of UK Showbiz up for a week or two and Louis had nodded and then followed Harry to the busiest room in the house where Niall Horan, White Eskimo’s guitarist, had been filming Big Payno (also White Eskimo's drummer) on the decks and kissed him right in front of the camera before telling Niall to post it on every piece of social media he could access.

 Louis imagined right now that the video would be spreading like a rash over twitter, probably a hashtag to accompany it that was trending worldwide; tumblr would have giffed it and reacted to it by analysing every angle to try and dissect Harry and Louis’ carefully orchestrated public images; the Daily Mail had probably already run three scandalous headlines because Louis and Harry both supposedly had girlfriends and Dan Wooton would have some stupid ‘exclusive’ by the end of the week debunking the entire event.

 So for the first time ever, Louis was sort of glad he was ill with alcohol because for the first time ever he was kicking down the closet door with a man he’d never met but had admired since the two had battled for the number one spot in the charts in the summer of 2011.

 The Rogues had won of course, knocked off the number one spot the next week by White Eskimo but the bands had never met in person before. It had been four years now and the most contact Louis had had with any of the White Eskimo members was sticking the middle finger up at them from afar when the Eskimos had beaten The Rogues for _Best British Band_ at the Brits back in 2013. The Rogues had won it in 2012 and 2014 and at the 2013 Brits had won _Mastercard Album of the Year_ but Louis had relished in the headlines of the band’s rivalry that had followed them for the past four years – it was all great publicity.

 Truth be told however, The Rogues and White Eskimo weren’t massively competitive. A huge proportion of their fanbase was shared and Louis’ guilty pleasure was listening to White Eskimo’s music that he’d happily bought the day it was released. Although they had never discussed it, there seemed to be some understanding between the two bands that although they could joke about being rivals, a truly harsh word about the other would never be uttered.

 When Louis had finished throwing up, brushed his teeth twice and drunk his own body weight in water, he flopped into his own bed in his and Finn’s shared flat in the North of London and fell fast asleep satisfied. He’d have hell to pay in the morning but it was all worth it, in the words of Troy and Gabriella, he was breaking free.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am uploading this the same morning I wrote it, enjoy :)

 “Lou mate, Jones is here.”

Louis swatted away Finn’s hand and pulled his duvet further up his body – he regretted drinking so much last night because his head was hammering worse than it ever had before.

 “Louis!” Finn poked his cheek angrily. “You’re in so much shit mate, Simon is actually fucking here in our flat because of you.”

“Wha-?” Louis asked, eyes still pressed closed. “We have a week off.”

 “Not any more we don’t.” Finn snapped back and slapped Louis’ cheek, trying desperately to get him out of bed. “Wake up you dick.”

Louis huffed and opened his eyes, glaring at Finn’s disgruntled face. Finn was large and very muscular like most drummers. He had grown up on a farm close to Bath and had dark blond hair and dark brown eyes. He was arguably the favourite of the band because of his looks however he was very gay and had a boyfriend called James whom he’d been with for eighteen months now. Finn, like Louis, was in the closet but because he was muscular and masculine, all he had to do was pretend to have crushes on members of Little Mix; Finn had never once had to go on a pap walk and have to kiss girls for people to photograph and share online like Louis had.

Finley Green pulled Louis’ duvet off of his bed leaving Louis lying there pathetically, still in just his boxers. His drummer really knew how to piss Louis off really well sometimes.

 “One day I’m going to kick you out of the band.” Louis decided. “Why the fuck did you wake me?”

“Simon Jones is here on a fucking warpath because of your antics last night.” Finn shouted and Louis frowned – that couldn’t be the right.

 “Since when has Jones come to our homes for meetings?”

Finn’s eyes could have popped out of his head when he answered Louis’ question “Since you fucking kiss Harry Styles and make sure everyone who owns a social media account fucking knows.”

 Louis didn’t have a chance to ask any more questions however because Simon Jones entered the room and Louis fell silent at his piercing stare – he was furious.

 “The band is _fired_ if any of you put another toe out of line.” Jones seethed, his voice a barely audible hiss. “Tomlinson, you _will_ be at my office in two hours and you will not see anyone or speak to anyone or do anything on social media until then. We have full control of your accounts and may post some things on behalf of you but you aren’t to make any of your own decisions or this band is dropped by this management in this instance.”

 “What about the rest of us?” Finn asked carefully; he, Olly and Will were all innocent in the media uproar as per usual.

 “No posting on social media but you don’t have to come to my office. Tell the others to stay silent until a further word from us.”

 Finn nodded silently and pulled out his phone to presumably tell Olly and Will what was going on but Louis had no doubt they’d be able to guess anyway – Louis had gotten drunk and done something reckless and now had to face the consequences.

Olly was the band’s other guitarist and Will was the bassist. Louis had met Olly at a university party during fresher's week and the two had started some guitar riff off on top of a table while a crowd watched them, all cheering. Louis and Olly had lived together until six months ago and were still the closest in the band however Jones had suggested the two move out of their beloved flat after what was almost four years because their ‘closeness might affect the band’s other two members and how they act with you’. That was what Jones liked to say it was anyway – in reality he hadn’t liked how ‘Lolly’ had become a popular ship and many of the fans were prepared to swear on their life that there was some romance going on between the two of them.

 Louis and Olly had never had some romance going on between the two of them and had instead been very much the best of friends two men could ever be. Olly had happily been Louis’ wingman throughout the years and had never once said a word when Louis had bought someone home for a night or two before never seeing them again. Louis in return had never said a word about Olly’s lack of partner. Olly had told Louis once when the two had stayed up late drinking that he had never once got a boner over someone and had never wanted a girlfriend or boyfriend. After this confession he’d cried onto Louis shoulder while Louis told him it was okay and not strange at all but the two had never spoken about it again. This had all happened when Louis had broken up with Aiden six months into the band’s career and although both men had acted like the conversation had never happened Louis knew why Olly would never look too happy answering what he looked for in a girl or whether he wanted to be married.

 Louis wanted to speak to Olly now but Simon Jones was still stood in his bedroom and had forbidden him from speaking to anyone. Then again, Simon Jones had also forbidden Louis from ever letting himself get caught kissing anyone of the same gender as himself and look what had happened there.

 “Was there anything else?” Louis asked.

“I don’t think so.” Jones shook his head. “But I wouldn’t make any other plans today, this meeting could take us into the late night.”

 “I was going to go and see my family in Doncaster this week.” Louis told Jones in case he hadn’t known. “This week is actually our week off.”

 “The other three will still have that seeing as they know how to follow rules. You on the other hand will have to ring your mother and tell her you can’t come because some unforeseen band stuff has come up.”

 “My Mum isn’t an idiot.” Louis replied defensively. “She’s going to have seen the photo and know you’re locking down on my every move even more. She’ll kick up a fuss because it’s my brother and sister’s first birthday this week and I haven’t seen them since they were six months old.”

 “Tough.” Simon glared. “Your mother will have to stay quiet because I doubt anything she says will make your life any easier. If she stays quiet, you’ll have to do less to counter whatever she’s saying so maybe it’ll be worth mentioning that when you tell her why you aren’t going home this week.”

 Louis hated Simon Jones with a passion – he was a heartless prick who was homophobic and racist to the core, not to mention the fact that he showed no compassion or liking to his biggest, most successful clients who were the majority of his income.

 It wasn’t just that however. Simon Jones had a real talent for making Louis feel like absolute shit. Louis knew that it was just Simon, he’d had all three of his band mates tell him many times that Simon was wrong and was being unfair to Louis but there was an element of truth behind it. It was only ever Louis who caused the drama, it was only ever Louis that was mentioned in the scandalous headlines and it was only ever Louis that anyone had to worry about saying something he wasn’t meant to. Louis was the bane of Jones Mgmt’s life and he often wondered whether Will, Olly and Finn thought that Louis was being unreasonable or behaving immaturely. Louis often wondered whether the three wanted him out of the band and to replace him with another guitarist and singer; there were plenty of better ones out there who would no doubt be better behaved than Louis.  There was less than a year until The Rogue’s contract was up with Jones Mgmt and Louis was counting down the days with a heavy heart. The contract ended on the 1st January 2016, today was Sunday the 8th February: there were 327 days left.

 Jones eventually left and Louis immediately dialled his mother. It only took a second for his Mum to pick up and Louis could almost have sobbed when she answered brightly.

 “Louis! I can’t wait to see you again in two days, are you bringing this new boyfriend of yours with you?”

“I can’t come Mum.” Louis told her quietly, hating having to break the news like this. “I have band stuff.”

Jay saw straight through the lie and Louis was incredibly relieved he didn’t have to explain himself to her fully.

 “It’s because you kissed Harry isn’t it?” Jay asked and Louis nodded slowly. Then he realised Jay couldn’t see his sorry nod and spoke up again.

 “There’s a shit storm Mum. Jones is pissed and is threatening to sack the band – or at least me from it.” Louis couldn’t remember exactly what had been said and what he’d made up but it had been along those lines. Jay was strong willed women and had never once let anything bothering her children pass by with no trouble – today was no exception.

 “I’m coming to London Louis, after the twin’s birthday I’ll be on the first train down, Dan will be fine with the kids, and I’m meeting this prick who manages you and I am giving him a piece of my mind before I report him to the police for homophobic and racist discrimination and psychopathy.” Louis loved his Mum so much but she couldn’t do that, she needed to let Louis find his own way out and instead be there for her five children still living at home.

 “Mum, you can’t do that.”

“Louis, I will do what I want! He told you that you have the week off and won’t let you come to visit us because you kissed some guy!”

 “Mum, I might be able to come to Doncaster if I bring Eleanor.” Louis has only just realised it was an option but Eleanor was his ‘girlfriend’ – surely that would look good if Louis took her up for the twin’s birthday for a few days with his family. It’d be very domestic and people would lap it up, talk about the two maybe planning their own family and maybe even spark rumours that Eleanor was pregnant. “I have a meeting with Jones tonight and I’ll ring you this evening if anything changes.”

 Jay sounded reluctant but she eventually agreed. “Okay Boo Bear but remember that I’m always going to be here for you.”

 “I know Mum.” Louis nodded and smiled sadly at his phone. The only piece of his mother he’d had for six months was a voice at the end of the phone instead of the warm hugs and kisses on his forehead. He hadn’t gone home for Christmas because the band had hired out a villa in France and spent the week of Christmas and Louis’ birthday with just the six of them – Louis, Olly, Finn, his boyfriend James, Will and Will’s fiancé Heidi with the promises to their family that they’d see them as soon as they could which would have been this break that Louis had now lost.

 Will had been with Heidi since the beginning of the band being with Jones Mgmt. Heidi had been an intern working for Jones Mgmt when the band had first joined the management company and she and Will had hit it immediately off and she was popular among the other three band members as well. Heidi was in charge of the boy’s social media accounts. She hated how Louis and Finn were in the closet however it was her job to make sure their twitters and instagrams were relatively heterosexual. Heidi did a good job at it – she’d stopped many suggested tweets about Eleanor from Louis’ account and had let many photos of James pass on Finn’s Instagram as long as there no connotations of the two being any more than very straight bro pals.

 Heidi and Will were due to get married in the summer and Will hadn’t really spoken much about anything else since he’d proposed in France. It was the reverse of what usually happened: Heidi wasn’t too bothered about the wedding and quite frankly looked embarrassed whenever it was bought up, Will on the other hand spoke with a passion for this oncoming day and was making all of the plans.

 Will had been bought up close to Manchester and had really only learnt how to play the bass because of an unhealthy obsession he’d had with Dougie Poynter as a young teenager however it had all payed off because Will had gone along to a McFly concert not too long ago and had been invited up onto the stage to play along with them; Louis had often wondered whether after the wedding Will would still cite that as his favourite day or eventually give up the position to his wedding day. Will was the only ‘normal’ (by Simon Jones’ standards) man in the band. He was a straight, white male in a long term relationship with a pretty, straight, white girl. None of the rest of the band members fit that category and never would.

 Louis had met both Will and Finn through Olly and the fact they were all cousins who’d always dreamed of making a band. Until they’d met Louis however their band had consisted of playing one or two songs at family gatherings and that all. It was when Olly and Louis had started to play guitar together that the dreams of being in a band had finally taken off and at their first gig in a pub close to Louis and Olly’s university late one autumn in their first term at Manchester and Gary Barlow, as in Gary Barlow from Take That, as in _the_ Gary Barlow had spotted them and offered to introduce them to a label because he liked their stuff. After that it had been crazy and by December 2010 The Rogues had been signed to Jones Mgmt and were recording their first record to be released.

 When Louis got off the phone with his mother, he rang Olly.

 “Hiya Louis mate, Finn told me you’re in big trouble.” Olly answered, not even waiting for Louis to say anything. “What did Jones say?”

 “I’m not to put another toe out of line.” Louis sighed before launching into an angry rant. “It’s complete bullshit that I can’t go home this week. I haven’t seen any of my family since the fucking summer and it’s going to be Doris and Ernest’s first birthdays and I’m not even going to fucking be there and I’m going to miss them growing up and I miss Mum and the other girls too just because I fucking kiss Harry and Simon Jones is a fucking homophobic prick who doesn’t like that I hate his bullshit rules about what I’m allowed to do with what.”

 “Lou mate, there’s not even a year of this left.” Olly reminded him and Louis needed it. Louis needed to remember that this would be over in less than eleven months, in three hundred and twenty-seven days and then he would be free and would be allowed to kiss and see whoever the fuck he wanted regardless of gender or their skin colour.

 Louis wasn’t gay; Louis had never been gay. He’d fallen in love with and liked sex with guys certainly, but he’d also fallen in love and had sex with girls in the past: Hannah at school and his most recent relationship with Adeline, a girl. Louis had been with Adeline for a year and a half and Louis wasn’t entirely sure whether he’d even fallen out of love with her if he was honest with himself. He and Adeline had stopped being in a relationship four months ago because Adeline had tragically died from an undetected tumour on her lungs that had eventually taken her away from Louis. Louis had been desperately depressed for at least two months after this which was why the band had gone to France together for Christmas and Louis was better now mostly but he still did have days when he saw no point in anything. Louis had been allowed one day off as ‘sick’ for Adeline’s funeral and hadn’t even been granted the day after her death off and that was all because Adeline had been half black.

 Louis had thought falling for Adeline would be the end to all of the concrete walls built between himself and who the media saw him as but Simon Jones had taken one look at Adeline’s dark skin and bushy hair and said that Eleanor was staying. Louis had almost punched Jones then, it had been Olly who’d held him back but it was bullshit, complete and utter bullshit.

 “What happened last night then?” Olly asked, breaking Louis’ thoughts about Ada. “How did you and Stan end up at White Eskimo’s end of tour party?”

 “We blagged our way in.” Louis smiled fondly, remembering the rush of adrenaline he and Stan had gotten when they’d approached the heavily guarded artist’s entrance to the O2 arena and managed to talk their way past two layers of security before Harry and Niall had spotted them down a corridor and invited the two boys to join them.

 The first level of security had been fairly easy to get past as the security man had recognised Louis’ earnest face and let him and Stan in. The second door they’d had to get through had been harder however.

 Louis had told the burly man that he was a friend of Harry’s and Harry had invited him personally that night but had been pulled into something last minute so couldn’t come and meet him. When the bodyguard hadn’t believed that (with good reason), Louis had made the man google his and Harry's name and the world of the fangirls had come to his aid. There were many photoshopped images of the two together to fill in their fans’ cravings to see the two together and the guard had agreed to escort Louis and Stan to the band’s tour manager and decide whether the boy’s tale was true.

 While they’d been led to the tour manager however, Harry and Niall had been coming down the same corridor and recognised Louis and acted like they were old friends. They were really – they’d all spoken multiple times to each other online and once many years ago Louis and Niall had worked as a team in a twitter war against The Wanted.

 Louis explained all of this to Olly in long rambling sentences and waited for Olly to ask any more questions.

 “So how did your lips end up being attached to Harry’s then?” Olly pondered and Louis tried to remember the night’s events in order, there was only one part really sticking in his mind and the rest was just a happy blur.

 “Stan and I watched the show from the VIP box with their families and then afterwards followed them backstage. I told Harry how well he’d performed and Harry flung his arm around me and told me that with charm like that I could get anywhere I wanted so I flirted a bit more and he let Stan and I come to the party. After that it was all a bit of a blur, we danced together a bit and both got a little bit tipsy and then Harry asked if I wanted to fuck the UK Showbiz media up a bit and I said yeah so we kissed where everyone could see and then went and got drunk some more.”

 “And was that it?” Olly prompted.

“No.” Louis admitted with butterflies in his stomach once again. “We left the party together in the same taxi and Harry paid for it to take me home first and then he walked me to the flat door and kissed me good night.”

 There had been something else as well but Louis wanted to keep that to himself.

 After Louis and Harry had kissed outside the door to Louis’ block of flats, Harry had taken hold of Louis’ hands carefully and spoken carefully and earnestly – suddenly the two of them were very sober.

 “Louis, it’s been an honour fucking everything up with you.”

Louis had blushed and looked to the floor, flustered at Harry’s honesty.

 “I’m serious Louis.” Harry had insisted and tipped Louis’ chin up so that he could see Louis’ face. “I loved every moment of tonight.”

“Does this mean you’ll be happy to fuck everything up with me again?” Louis had asked in return, a shy smile on his lips and eyes locked on Harry’s.

 Harry had nodded with a smile that was more precious than anything Louis had ever seen. “I want to fuck things up more than they’ve ever been fucked up before with you Louis Tomlinson.”

 “I’m going to hold you to that.” Louis had replied and leant up to kiss Harry again, deeper than before and with more meaning.

 The night was exploding between them and the cold air was suddenly too hot as Harry’s hand had held the small of Louis’ back and kept him safe and still while they kissed. It was all forbidden, it would never be allowed and Louis and Harry would already be in a shit load of trouble as it was but neither cared – there was a spark found in the night time and a promise of more between them attached to the kiss that neither wanted to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this any good? Please, please, please comment and tell me :) Also remember to leave kudos and subscribe if you did like it, you can even share it if you really want, I won't object  
> You can find me @written-with-no-end on tumblr  
> xx


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why all of Louis' past partners' names begin with 'A', they just do

Louis made the mistake of not reading any of the articles spun about the kiss before he went to Simon’s office, looking back, he certainly would have made a point to see what Jones was so pissed off about.

 “I hope you understand why I’ve called you in.” Jones began with and Louis nodded – Jones was pissed off because Louis had kissed Harry and made sure everyone knew about it.  “And I suppose you’ve seen what has been said about the kiss?”

 “Actually I haven’t.” Louis admitted and suddenly felt under prepared. Jones rolled his eyes and turned to his computer. Louis waited while he clicked and typed until he found what he was looking for.

 “#LarryKiss is trending worldwide on twitter and has been since half an hour post the photo being uploaded.” Jones began and Louis prepared himself – twitter could go either way. “ _It’s disgusting that they’re gay, I can’t believe it_.”

 “I’m not gay.” Louis muttered but Jones ignored him, choosing instead to read out some more.

 “ _They shouldn’t be allowed to be role models; they are setting an example to lie to girls to hide themselves._ Here’s another: _I am selling my tickets to The Rogues tour, anyone want them? I doubt it._ And another: _It’s an abomination, I’m never listening to them again._ There’s plenty about you breaking Eleanor’s heart, Louis do I need to go on?”

 Louis felt like he was back at school, sat underneath his headmaster’s glare while accusations about him were read out; he shook his head silently and let his eyes drop to the polished wooden floor. It was humiliating.

 “And you’ve not read any articles either?” Jones checked and Louis shook his head, preparing himself to hear more about how much everyone hated him now they knew he kissed guys. “I’ll let you read those later but right now we need to discuss your future. As I speak several denials are being made about a relationship between yourself and Harry. I have spoken personally to Harry McGee who is Harry’s manager and we have agreed that the story will be sold as a drunken fun kiss that means absolutely nothing and that you and Harry aren’t even friends, you simply thought it would be a fun idea for the fans. Pretty soon Heidi will tweet from your account that you are very much straight, you don’t even remember the kiss because you were that drunk and that you wish people would stop making such a big deal about it.

 “You are to stay silent and never speak about it in person. You won’t interact at all with Harry on social media, in person, nothing at all. I don’t know why you went to the White Eskimo concert anyway but that is the last you will have to do with the band while we get Olly or Will to dismiss any idea that the two bands are friendly. The rivalry is being stepped up even more and nothing nice will be said – do you understand me so far?”

 Louis nodded dumbly. He had to stay silent and make sure everyone knew that he was very much into girls and only girls.

 “This week you will be seen a lot in London and always in the company of a girl. People are undoubtedly going to ask you about Harry and you will shoot down any rumours that the two of you have anything going on. If anyone asks you about the kiss then you tell them that it was a one night bit of madness that you both regret and you don’t even know each other that well.

 “Next Monday morning you’re going on Radio One alone; this was decided a long time ago as key promotion but you are to make sure you sound as heterosexual as you possibly can. Cara Delevingne will be on the day after you and Nick Grimshaw _will_ bring her up – make sure it’s clear you find her very attractive and wouldn’t say no if she asked you out on a date.”

 Louis wouldn’t have to act for that bit, he’d always loved Cara and her badass-ness; Adeline had been very bad ass and Louis had lived in awe of her independence and fearlessness. Some of the fearlessness seemed to have rubbed off on Louis because since her death Louis had been more and more reckless, less and less ready to put up with Jones’ bullshit.

 “After your Radio One interview you’re just doing small bits of tour promotion right? You’ll be ‘ill’ for this time because we’re going to draw attention away from you for a few weeks with the other three having things happening, you need to be as far out of the picture as possible.”

 “I’ll be stuck at home for a week?” Louis tried to work out and Simon nodded. “Could I not go home to Doncaster then? Can I not go this week and take Eleanor with me?”

“Eleanor is no longer your girlfriend.” Jones broke and Louis’s heart skipped a beat. He stared at Jones and tried to work out whether he was being serious.

 “Sorry what?” Louis checked. “Eleanor is no longer my girlfriend?”

“This is what the public will hear: Eleanor’s had enough of your antics, times were getting tough and the kiss sealed the deal despite the fact it meant nothing to you. This news will break the day after your appearance on Radio One and shortly there will be many pap walks of you leaving clubs with girls.”

 “So you’re turning me into a player?” Louis tried to work out.

“It’ll be more high profile.” Jones told Louis and it sounded pretty finalised. Louis wondered whether this had all been decided overnight or whether it had been planned for a while and now just seemed like a good time to be put into action. Louis would love sometime to be given a calendar of what was going to happen in his life because for the past four years he’d just been told what he had to do and when.

 The meeting dragged on forever but Louis zoned out of most of it. As always, Simon Jones told Louis about the statistics of various artists and their album sales after they came out as gay (not that Louis was gay). Louis was given a list of dates he’d have to go on pap walks and was also, for the first time ever, was given a list of the stories that would be spun about him instead of finding out after they’d been published.

 They wanted a story to be spun about him having a threesome, a story to be spun about him having a different girl every night and even a story that he got a girl pregnant.

 “Not the last one.” Louis shook his head. “I’m not having that bullshit said about me – it’s too far.”

“You have no choice.” Jones frowned.

 “I’ll out myself.” Louis threatened but knew that deep down it would make no difference; Louis had been making that threat since January 2011 and had had no result.

 “You out yourself and the band is dropped – you should know this by now Tomlinson.” Louis did know this but was increasingly not caring. They only had 327 days left with Jones Mgmt, it was less than 47 weeks and then what would happen? They’d find a new management and what could be so hard about that? The Rogues were a popular band and a different management would want them, surely.

 “We’ll find someone else.”

“You think it’ll be that easy?” Jones raised one eyebrow and Louis felt himself going flush. Once again Jones was trampling on Louis’ self-esteem and confidence and once again Louis found himself simply hanging his head in shame – he was used to it. “No one will want you if you’re out as whatever the fuck you are. Also, that would cause rifts in the band if you were out and Finn wasn’t, surely Finn would get jealous of your freedom and his lack of such.”

 “Finn will out himself too.” Louis tried to sound confident but his voice sounded small in the large office. “we’re not afraid.”

Jones looked like he was trying to suppress a laugh – Louis was trying to suppress tears. “Really? You’re not afraid of coming out?” Louis shook his head defiantly. “Go on then.” Jones sat back in his chair, arms folded across his chest. “If you’re really not so afraid of outing yourself then do it. Pull up the twitter app and tweet and you’ll see how people react for yourself but know that the second you send that tweet then the band is dropped from Jones Mgmt and you will receive no further support or advice from us.”

 Louis was going to do it. He pulled out his phone and opened twitter, unsure whether the tweet would even send with the restrictions. He began to type his tweet out but couldn’t complete it.

_I’m-_

Louis didn’t have a label for himself. He’d never had a label. When Louis had come out to his Mum he’d told her that he sometimes liked girls and sometimes guys but he wasn’t bisexual and the guys and girls thing wasn’t even true anymore; memories of Alex came back to Louis and how Alex had refused to label them self.

 Alex hadn’t liked to call themselves either gender and had instead been a they. Louis had loved Alex; he was sure about that. They’d been together for over six months before Alex moved to Australia for a modelling job and Louis had met Adeline. Alex hadn’t been male or female and it wouldn’t have mattered if they had been because Louis had loved the way Alex’s mind had worked and how Alex had viewed the world.

 Louis wasn’t straight, Louis wasn’t gay and Louis wasn’t bisexual. Olly had suggested the label of pansexual once and Louis was maybe that but he didn’t want to assign himself to one thing. Louis was Louis and Louis fell for people, not genders or genitals, he fell for people as an entity and even if pansexual was that, Louis didn’t want to use the label. He didn’t want to put himself in a box and had never wanted to do that to himself.

_I’m not only into girls like you all think, I’m actually..._

No words fitted and Louis couldn’t do it. He couldn’t out himself because he didn’t know how to. He imagined what it was like being Finn: it wasn’t easy but Finn had a label, Finn would be able to tweet an “I’m gay” and get it over with. Louis was gay and straight and at the same time he was neither, a fact that was slowly beginning to haunt him.

 And Louis couldn't do this to the band. Throw it all away just because he wanted to preach about the fact he wasn’t straight. It was a cruel, cruel world and Louis hated it. Louis deleted most of the tweet and was left once again with a simple:

_I’m-_

 And then Louis’ mind jumped to Harry. If he was Harry what would he tweet? Was Harry even gay or was he like Louis, unlabelled and happy with it? Louis had heard rumours about Harry and various men for as long as Harry’s name had been one in the public eye and Louis supposed that Harry must have heard the same about Louis but it wasn’t the same as knowing for sure.

 There was too much pressure and too many consequences for Louis to tweet anything. The band’s reputation and success was at stake, the band’s future was on tenterhooks and Louis might just be on the verge of destroying his career.

 Frustrated, Louis saved the tweet into his drafts, locked his phone and shoved it back into his pocket violently. He dared to raise his eyes and glance at Simon who was just smiling maliciously.

 “I knew it would all be just talk.” Simon said quietly, fingers pressed together into a triangle just below his chin like every classic film villain. “Shall we get back to business?”

 “Fine.” Louis huffed.

“In May you will be papped with a girl called Briana Jungworth and in July the story that you got her pregnant will break. We’re unsure how the public will react to this but depending on this we will chose how far we take it, either way the baby will turn out not to be yours and you will be left devastated.”

 In Louis’ mind he was doing the quick maths.

“If she supposedly gets pregnant in May then the baby will be due in January... We won’t be with you anymore.”

 “The baby won’t ever exist unless you’re prepared to actually sleep with this girl.” Simon tutted. “It’s a nice bit of publicity that will tie in with your final album being released in November because hopefully it will be then that the news it’s not yours will drop and the public will feel very sorry for you and album sales will rise.”

 “It’s taking it a bit far isn’t it?” Louis questioned, not fully understanding how Simon’s mind worked. “And we’ll be on tour in May, how am I supposed to get her pregnant?”

 “A night out after a show.” Simon rolled his eyes like it was obvious. “You’ll obviously be over the moon that you’re getting the child you always dreamed of and it will be high publicity and despite the strange conception of the baby you will make it very public that you are willing to set up a home with Briana for the baby, the more the public believe you are ready to give it all to Briana, the more sympathy they’ll feel for you when it turns out not to be yours.”

 “This is a crap idea.” Louis told Jones. “No one will believe it. If I knocked up some random women on a one night stand I would keep it as quiet and away from the press as possible.”

 “Well you don’t have a say in what happens so I think you’re just going to have to accept the fact that this is happening.” Jones snapped back viciously so Louis quietened again.

 Louis hated Simon Jones to the core and doubted that would ever change.

When Simon had learnt that Finn was gay he’d changed Finn’s wage to less and had only bumped it up to match the others when the four had refused to play their first show.

When Simon had found out that Louis was dating Aiden he’d changed The Rogues’ schedule until it became physically impossible for Louis to see his boyfriend.

When Simon had first met Alex he’d referred to them as ‘it’ and refused to acknowledge them as an actual person before consequently cutting three of the songs Louis had written from the album.

When Simon had met Adeline he’d refused to shake her hand.

If Simon didn’t have Louis’ fate in his hands he would have met his match a very long time ago and as soon as Louis was free Simon Jones would be exposed in every way Louis knew however he couldn’t afford to do that, not just yet.

 “I think we’re done here Louis.” Simon said after a silence that was too long. “You’re free to go.”

“I’m not really free, am I?” Louis snapped back and was met with a steely glare.

Louis left that office with only one thought in his mind: he was going to fuck things up even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please share, subscribe, comment and leave kudos xx  
> You can find me on tumblr @written-with-no-end


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My London geography may not be totally up to scratch and I apologise for some of the awful ways I've written the conversation - I cannot write dialogue

Tuesday was hard for Louis. He’d planned to drive up to Doncaster for a week with his family in order to celebrate Doris and Ernest’s first birthdays and speak to his Mum who he hadn’t seen in person since Adeline’s death. He hadn’t seen any of his sisters in six months either and there was only so much satisfaction you could get from a facetime call with them – Louis _needed_ to make plans to stop himself from just driving up to Doncaster and saying “fuck it” to Jones’ own plans for him.

 Louis had been told to be seen out with girls this week and on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday Louis would be out on pap walks and be seen with girls. Jones has mentioned at one point sending Louis to Fifth Harmony’s London music video shoot but Louis hated how the girls were just used as objects by Jones. Jones had only ever seen women as props for his male clients and now that Louis though about it, he doubted Jones had even considered that Eleanor now had no job.

 Louis and Eleanor had been civil. Louis had held a grudge against Eleanor for the best part of two years due to the reason he’d met her and had to work with her, but eventually he’d come to accept her company and sometimes enjoy it. Louis had no doubt that if he and Eleanor had met in a different circumstance then they could have become good friends but Eleanor was there, and had always been there, as a mask for Louis’ true identity and was ultimately around because Louis and his life wasn’t considered normal by the majority of society.

 Had Eleanor woken up on Monday morning to discover that she was sacked with no warning? Did she resent what Louis had done because now she had no income? A wave of guilt overcame Louis as he thought for the first time about the way what he’d done had affected Eleanor’s life; Eleanor may not be able to pay this month’s rent, she might have to give up her dog Bruce and she might not know where her next meal was coming from.

 Louis couldn’t just sit there wondering so dialled Eleanor’s number, praying she’d pick up instead of just seeing that it was Louis and declining the call.

 “Lou?” Eleanor’s voice came across as soft and curious;Louis found himself suddenly feeling very empty with the knowledge he’d not ever work with Eleanor again. As much as he had despised what she’d stood for, she was a colleague and had been a part of Louis’ life as much as anyone else in The Rogues’ crew and Louis had always considered them all a family.

 “Hi El.” Louis spoke up, his throat strangely tight. “I’m sorry you lost your job.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Eleanor told Louis with a strange hint of rebellion in her voice. “My agent found me an acting job in this Channel Four sitcom. I bagged an audition yesterday afternoon and got given it immediately so I’ve got a new job.”

 “Oh-,” Louis hadn’t even considered that Eleanor would have found other work. He remembered her mentioning once a million years ago that she wanted to be an actress. “Well done for getting it, that’s great.”

 “Yeah, I’m really pleased with it.” And then the two fell into an awkward silence because both were unsure of what to say to each other. What do two exes say to each other after a break up of a fabricated relationship?

“El, I didn’t think of what would happen when I kissed Harry. I didn’t realise that they’d chuck you like that and-,”

 “Louis, stop apologising!” Eleanor told him suddenly sternly. Louis fell silent, surprised at how she wasn’t pissed off. Eleanor carried on: “I was so fucking happy for you when I saw the kiss. I knew you’d be in for shit and I’ve heard that you’re going to have to fake a pregnancy and all of that shit but well done. There have been all sorts of articles and although they all think you’re gay instead of pansexual or whatever you are, they’re starting to doubt your actual image. Everything you say about Harry and the kiss will be second guessed and speculated about and the walls will come crumbling down like you want them to.” Eleanor sounded excited, almost liberated.

 “So there haven’t been any bad articles?” Louis checked, he still hadn’t read any but remembered what Jones had said previously.

“No.” Eleanor laughed and Louis breathed a sigh of relief. “Dan Wooton wrote one about how you were high and hallucinating or something and how the kiss was actually a cry for help to your absent father but no one takes him seriously anymore. Most articles were just speculating whether it was friendly banter or actual passion for Harry – which one was it Lou?” Suddenly Eleanor sounded like a curious older sister but then again, Louis’ relationship with Eleanor had never been straight forward.

 Louis blushed, he couldn’t believe he was discussing the kiss and what had happened with Harry with his sort of ex-girlfriend. “I’m not sure but I think it was the second one.” _Passion._

Eleanor sounded positively ecstatic at the prospect of an actual romance between the two lead singers. “Really? What did Harry say to you?”

“Well... he asked whether I wanted to fuck shit up with him and I said yes which is why the first kiss happened... and then he kissed me goodbye outside my block of flats later in the night and... we sort of promised to fuck shit up more together.” Louis revealed and heard a little squeal of excitement from Eleanor’s end of the phone.

 “Louis, please, please, please fuck shit up with Harry Styles.”

“I want to.” Louis told Eleanor. “I might do that today seeing as I have nothing else to do.”

 “Please do so.” Eleanor sounded more excited than Louis had ever heard her before, it was almost like a different person now that she didn’t have to act as Louis’ prop and Louis didn’t have to resent her as much as he had before. “I have to go now but I can’t wait to see what you do with him.”

 “Me neither.” Louis smiled. “See you El, I’m going to miss working with you in a weird way.”

“Me too Louis.” Eleanor agreed. “Now go and be free.”

 Louis was going to do just that.

 

It had been Harry that had instigated the fucking things up first time around so Louis felt that it was only fair if he came up with the idea this time. Jones hadn’t left Louis much room to find loopholes but after some pacing, drinking tea and redrafting a text to Harry, he pressed send:

_Fancy fucking things up again? I bought a White Eskimo t-shirt at your concert the other night and might wear it out somewhere very busy where I’m guaranteed to be spotted today. It would be fucking hilarious if you could do that too because as far as I’m concerned, I’m still allowed to wear whatever t-shirt I want to_ _J_

Harry’s reply came almost instantly and Louis was grinning before he’d even read it.

_I have a The Rogues tshirt that was given to me for my birthday by my sister and I have a pap walk today. I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to wear it, thanks for reminding me xx_

Louis was still trying to work out where to wear his own t-shirt out to when Will rang him.

 “Johnson,” Louis started, it was common place for The Rogues boys to call each other by their surnames – Louis had no idea where or who it had first started with. “How can I help you?”

“Are you allowed out today Tommo?” Will checked. “Heidi is working and I’m bored as fuck. Do you want to go shopping?”

Late last night Finn had caught the train to go home to Bath and Olly had driven up to Stratford Upon Avon to see his own family. Will was going tonight with Heidi to see her family in the Midlands somewhere and then Louis would be left alone in London but while Will was still here, Louis would take full advantage of having one of his best mates still around. Did Louis want to go shopping in London where there were plenty of people that could spot Louis and take photos of him and post online? Fuck yes!

 “I’ll only come with you if we can go to Oxford Street and make sure enough people post photos of us, or just me if you don’t want it, online.” Louis wagered and Will eventually said yes to Louis’ deal, evidently however very confused.

 “Why do you want everyone to see you?” Will asked when they’d agreed that Will would walk down the two streets to Louis’ flat and then they’d get the tube into central London together.

 “You’ll see why when you get here.” Louis told Will coyly, eyeing the t-shirt that was spread out on his bed. It was February and it was cold but Louis would make sure his coat and hoodie were undone so everyone could see White Eskimo’s logo – an outline of an igloo with _White Eskimo_ branded across it in fancy, black cursive. Louis didn’t know which piece of The Rogues’ merchandise Harry would be wearing but couldn’t wait to see when the paparazzi photos were released.

 It only took Will twenty minutes to call on Louis by which time he’d changed into his White Eskimo t-shirt and styled his hair into a casual fringe – he didn’t want to look like he was trying too hard.

 

 Louis locked up his flat and headed down to meet Will on the street and as soon as Will saw Louis and what he was wearing he grinned broadly.

 “That’s fucking brilliant.”

“You don’t mind me rebelling like this?” Louis checked, remembering how he was risking the band’s future.

 “They can’t sack us because you wore a t-shirt.” Will shrugged and Louis supposed Will was right. Back in November Louis had worn the apple t-shirt that celebrated the gay C.E.O of Apple and the response had unsurprisingly been the speculation that Louis was gay but Louis hadn’t faced any real consequences from it. It had only been a few weeks since the passing of Adeline and Louis had still been in a bad place but wearing the t-shirt and the only denial of Louis’ queer sexuality had been a tweet that many of his fans had laughed at, Louis hadn’t got into any actual trouble for wearing the t-shirt.

 Will and Louis had gotten the tube into central London many times and Oxford Circus was only a handful of stops down the Bakerloo Line from Warwick Avenue which was the closest station to Louis’ block of flats so the journey was easy and familiar.

 When Louis and Olly had first moved in together they’d lived in a flat that overlooked Paddington Recreation Ground seeing as the studio they were working with was just a five-minute walk away. Finn had lived only two blocks down from the two of them and Will had lived across the road in an identical building. The four had spent a lot of time in the recreation ground playing football or hiring out a tennis court for an afternoon and it was because the four of them had just spent a lot of time doing things other than work together at the start of their career that they were such good friends now.

 When Will and Heidi had moved in together they’d moved to a small flat that was above a pub called Warwick Castle slightly further from the recreation ground and when Louis and Olly had been forced to move out of their flats they’d followed Will and Heidi’s lead, all living close to the tube station of Warwick Avenue.

 “So your plan is to make sure everyone sees you wearing a White Eskimo t-shirt while you claim to not like the band or know Harry that well?” Will checked as they headed out of Oxford Circus’ tube station and onto the street.

 “Yes because the people who actually give a shit will realise that I’m contradicting myself and realise something is up and a false story is being sold. They’ll look closer and Harry is wearing a Rogues t-shirt today on his pap walk with Kendall and people might take the hint.” Louis’ eyes were bright and cheeks were red which could have been mistaken as his reaction to the cold, February breeze but in reality it was because he was quite proud of his idea.

 “That’s quite a good plan.” Will agreed. “But are you and Harry an actual item or are you just doing this to free yourself?”

 “I’m not sure.” Louis admitted quietly. “We’ll meet and talk about it properly but... it just feels so liberating, I feel like the two of us are our own rebellion. Us against the world and all of that crap.”

Will looked at Louis with a strange admiration in his dark brown eyes – he, Finn and Olly all had dark brown eyes, it was a family trait. “You’ve really stopped caring what everyone else thinks haven’t you? This time last year if someone had suggested that you post a photo of you kissing another man online you would have locked yourself in a toilet because you were terrified of what people thought.”

 Louis knew this. This time last year he’d been happy with Adeline and had been willing to acknowledge that if he stayed with Adeline for the rest of his life then he could grow to accept the title as ‘straight’ that he had been given by Jones but deep down he knew it wasn’t him. Louis had been bullied into thinking that if anyone found out that he was sometimes into just more girls then the world would explode but he’d kissed a guy for everyone to see and all that had happened was a few meaningless tweets.

 Louis had scrolled through #LarryKiss when he’d gotten home from his meeting with Jones and had realised what a warped perception of the reaction Jones had given to Louis. There had been so many more tweets about the kiss being beautiful, about the two being together being perfect and about how the fans were so glad Larry was finally real than any of the negativity that Jones had told Louis about. Louis realised now that Jones had done the same thing with the articles about the kiss because Eleanor had contradicted that when she’d told Louis about the articles she’d read herself.

 “I think for a long time Jones has been lying to Finn and I about what people will think and about what would happen when we come out.” Louis said this to Will carefully as they negotiated the busy London streets. “In 2011 we were both told that if any speculation about our sexualities was bought the attention of fans then our contract would be terminated.” Will nodded, he’d been present in that meeting. “Multiple times however the speculation has happened and we have still had number ones and won awards and sold out tours.”

Will nodded, considering Louis’ thoughts deeply as Louis carried on.

 “I was thinking about it last night and there are plenty of successful celebrities that are gay. Elton John for example, he’s massively successful and he’s as gay as it gets.” Will nodded in agreement at Louis’ reasoning. “And then there are people like Boy George and David Bowie who throughout their successful careers have broken gender stereotypes by wearing makeup and flamboyant clothes and they are still some huge British Icons. Freddie Mercury was the lead singer of Queen, widely considered the best band ever and he was gay!”

 “You’re right.” Will agreed. “I was talking about it with Heidi this morning before I came to meet you about the volume of record companies and managements who take on ‘out’ clients or support them through the coming out period. I don’t think The Rogues would struggle to find a new management if you and Finn came it, it’s how we leave Jones Mgmt that will be difficult.” Louis hadn’t even considered that side of the argument. “If we break the contract then Jones can sue us for every piece of money we earnt with him. You can do as much rebelling and outing yourself as you want as long as it’s within the rules of the contract and us and our money is safe but you have to be careful. I think wearing that t-shirt is probably fine.”

 “Well it looks like I’ll be wearing a lot of t-shirts.” Louis quipped and Will laughed. The two could now see Starbucks from where they were stood and glanced at each other. “Starbucks is full of teenage girls, right?” Louis checked and Will nodded. “And our target market and the majority of our fanbase are teenage girls, right?” Will nodded again but looked worried at the same time.

 “This could be a suicide mission – what if we get mobbed?” Will checked. It had happened before to the band and even when they were on their own or were with family members and a few girls spotted them within ten minutes it could get crazy.

 “It’ll be fine Will. We’ll get a drink and then run to a tube station and head somewhere else in London, it’s easy to lose people on the tube.”

 Will nodded and after making sure that the t-shirt Louis was wearing was fully on show, they entered the busy Starbucks and headed to the back of the queue to order, heads down but eyes peeled.

 “There’s a table of girls over there.” Will whispered into Louis’ ear and Louis spotted them – four girls next to the window on their phones, one of them had a ‘The Rogues’ phone case. “And just in front of this man in the line there are two girls.”

 Often when Louis was out he liked to try and guess who was a ‘The Rogues’ fan and it was often quite nice if he’d get it wrong. This was one of those times because the greying man in front of them turned around and asked quite meekly “Are you two from The Rogues?”

 After a quick glance at Will who was hiding the surprise well, Louis nodded.

“We are, aye.” Louis nodded and smiled. “Are you a fan?” Once upon a time Louis would have asked whether the man’s daughter was a fan however he’d learnt better than that.

 “I am quite.” The man nodded, looking slightly embarrassed and Louis felt a pang of pity for this man – there was nothing embarrassing about liking a certain band or style of music.

“That’s good to hear.” Will spoke up. “Do you have a favourite song of ours?”

“I really like _Far Away_.” The man admitted and Louis felt a rush of pride. It was a single from their last album which had reached number one and Louis had written it when Adeline had been in London for work whilst he’d been across the globe in Australia. It was one amongst a million songs about distant love however it was Louis’ version of the hardships of being away from your loved one and this stranger liked it. “It- I work away on business quite a lot and it spoke to me in a way no other song about missing someone has. You have the line “Home is where your heart is and you stole mine on day one” and... I’ve been my husband for over a decade now and I really relate to that.”

 “I’m really glad you like it.” Louis told the stranger proudly. “And well done with your husband, ten years and still going strong, it sounds like you got a catch.”

 “I did.” The man smiled.

Louis had almost forgotten why he and Will were stood in the queue for Starbucks with the heart-warming story until Will reminded him. “So do you fancy a photo?”

 “Yes please.” The man smiled and Louis got the feeling he’d been waiting to ask for the entire time they had been chatting. The man pulled out his phone and turned to the two girls stood in front of him and asked whether they’d take the photo for him. The taller girl nodded and took the phone, obviously oblivious as to why the man wanted a photo with Louis and Will however her friend next to her just about imploded when she realised who Louis and Will were.

 “Oh my god!” She squealed. “You’re Louis and Will from The Rogues!” Louis nodded while still smiling for the man’s photo and when it was done he and Will turned their attention to the girl now hopping excitedly from one foot to the other, phone now clutched in her hands.

 “Are you alright love?” Louis checked and the girl just about fainted. While waiting for the line to shrink Louis and Will learnt that the fan was called Becky, she was fifteen and had been obsessed with The Rogues ever since they’d beaten White Eskimo in the first number one battle and she’d learnt who they were; of course it was then that she noticed Louis’ t-shirt.

 “You have their t-shirt?” She asked. “Do you like their music?” _I love it –_ Louis thought to himself.

“It’s okay.” He nodded, going neutral.

 “Do you- are you dating Harry?” Becky asked this question carefully while her friend’s eyes looked like they were going to pop out of her forehead. Louis noticed that the friend was also filming every word he said.

 “No, I’m not dating Harry.” Louis shook his head.

Becky came back with another question almost immediately. “But did you like kissing him?”

 “I-,” Louis laughed nervously because the honest answer was yes but he had to lie. “I don’t know Harry that well so it was a bit weird but I’ve had worse.”

 Louis had said too much but he didn’t care. Luckily at that moment it was Becky and her friend’s turn to order and they turned away for a moment. The second their attention was off Will and Louis Will whispered into Louis’ ear.

“Careful with what you say.” He warned and Louis nodded, he knew he’d been careless.

“I will be.”

 After the two left Starbucks without incident they got on the tube and travelled with no plan. Three fans spotted them on the tube and they took photos and when Louis and Will next got off next after watching the stations whizz by they realised they weren’t far from Westfield shopping centre.

 “No way.” Will shook his head – he’d always been the responsible one. “We’ve been mobbed there so many times before, we’re not risking it today.”

Louis tutted but knew deep down it was probably the right decision; the two decided instead to walk around the Olympic park, chatting about possible reactions to Louis coming out and possible ways Louis could do it either when he was allowed to or when he really had stopped giving a shit.

 “Excuse me,” a teenage girl approached them just as their conversation moved to Will’s plans when he was seeing family with Heidi. “Can I have a photo, I’m a huge fan.”

 “Yeah, sure.” Louis nodded and they posed for a photo. When the girl who had told them she was called Amelia made like she was going to leave again Louis stopped her, noticing somethings on her wrist that he vaguely recognised. “What’s this?” He asked and Amelia blushed slightly.

 “Oh- they’re my Rainbow Rogues and Equality Eskimos bands.” The two wrist bands were similar, both rainbow in colour but on the Rainbow Rogues one the bands of colour were skinnier with a white section for The Rogues logo and #RainbowRogues; on the Equality Eskimo one the hashtag and logo were on top of the wider bands of colours.

 “I’ve heard about this.” Louis smiled, looking at Will to check if he had. Will shook his head, his face blank. “LGBT safe space for fans isn’t it love? I didn’t realise Eskimos had one too.”

 “Oh, yeah, the two sort of work together because they were created by the same group of people.” Amelia went even redder and glanced down at Louis’ t-shirt. “Are the rumours true?”

 “What rumours?” Louis checked carefully although he doubted many others about him regarding White Eskimo were circling at the moment.

 “That you and Harry- no, it’s stupid for asking.” Amelia shook her head. “Because of the kiss everyone thinks maybe something’s going on but you’re straight like you tweet and the tabloids are just creating bullshit.”

 Louis didn’t want Amelia to leave with that at the front of her mind because she’d looked so hopeful at Louis’ interest in her bands and at the fact Louis was wearing the t-shirt. “Love, don’t believe everything you read.” Amelia’s eyes narrowed and the ambiguity before a look of realisation dawned onto her face.

 “Do you mean-?”

“I can’t say anymore.” Louis told her apologetically. “Keep up the support though. Also, where can I find these bands? I want one of each.”

 “I can write down the web-address if you like.” Amelia offered and Louis nodded. Will found a pen in one of his pockets and after a few moments of searching for a piece of paper and failing, Louis held out the back of his hand for Amelia to write the web page on. She wrote in a neat, easy to read print before she bid Louis and Will goodbye and they headed off in different directions.

 The liberal feeling Louis got every time he said something he wasn’t supposed to was addictive and he was glad he’d come out with Will. Will’s worried stare was enough to remind Louis that he couldn’t quite go and do what he wanted but Will let him get away with enough to satisfy Louis’ need for freedom. Louis had planned to be spotted and photographed in the t-shirt and he’d done plenty more than that; Louis and Will could go home now and watch the aftermath safely online from their own homes.

 On the trains that the pair caught home a few more fans spotted Will and Louis and they posed for a couple more photos. Louis worked out mentally that over ten could potentially be circling around the internet which was plenty. The pair left Warwick Avenue station in a comfortable silence, both content with the productive day. Will had bought a few books that he’d wanted and Louis had hopefully begun a social media uproar today.

 “Heidi and I are heading off in an hour.” Will sighed as they headed back to Louis’ flat. “Otherwise I’d come and have a cuppa with you and we could scroll through tumblr together.”

 “Don’t worry about it.” Louis sighed. “I’ll ring Mum tonight to see how everything is going in Donny and maybe get Stan over. I have to go out every other night this week actually so I might just sleep.” The two fell into silence again as they rounded the final corner to Louis’ block of flats.

 “I’m sorry it’s tough for you.” Will said in sudden sincerity as Louis’ door drew closer. “Last week Olly and I were out together with Heidi and realised... well you and Finn have never had that have you? Heidi and I can walk around, carefree, not caring if people saw us holding hands or shit and you... you and Finn have it so fucking shit. Your girlfriend fucking died and you couldn’t tell anyone or get time off and you had to fucking pretend everything was all dandy and we all hated it for you then.” Will looked embarrassed to tell Louis the next bit and hesitated before deciding it was best that Louis did hear it. “We decided – Olly and I that is – that if this band gets dropped because you or Finn out yourself then Olly and I aren’t going to object or give a shit because you two fucking deserve some freedom. Don’t worry about checking with us before you go and kiss Harry or wear one of his t-shirts, just fucking do it because it’s time you had some control of your life.”

 They’d slowed to stop at the entrance to Louis’ block and Louis couldn’t help but pull Will in for a tight hug. Louis needed it. Louis needed to be reminded that his bandmates were 100% behind him and loved him and would rather he was happy than their band carried on being successful.

 When Louis did make it back home he put the kettle on and also opened his laptop. While Louis had been out he’d missed two phone calls from Simon Jones but that didn’t matter right now – if Jones wanted Louis he’d have to call him again because right now Louis had a fandom to check on.

 The paparazzi photos of Louis out with Kendall were already out and it was the first thing Louis was met with on his secret Tumblr account’s dashboard. Harry was wearing The Rogues t-shirt alright and it wasn’t just a neutral black or white one, it was the red version so no one could miss it.

 What maybe made the photos even better was the fact Kendall was on her phone in every single one, two steps behind Harry and looking disinterested in every aspect of her life. Harry looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there as well and that was when Louis recognised where Harry and Kendall had been photographed: Westfield shopping centre which was just across the road from the Olympic park where Louis and Will had taken photos with Amelia. _This was perfect._

 The response was huge; people had linked the similar locations, linked the matching t-shirts and the video of Louis speaking about Harry was also up. Not only this put someone else Louis and Will had met on the train home had posted their photo and in it, clear for everyone to see, was the Equality Eskimo and Rainbow Rogues links that Louis was reminded to search. After some careful thinking, Louis ordered two of each, knowing it would be perfect if he and Harry were seen out wearing them.

 Just as Louis wondered whether Harry knew about Equality Eskimos and Rainbow Rogues, his phone rang and Harry’s caller I.D flashed up.

 “Harold.” Louis smiled, not helping himself.

“Are you alright Lewis?” Harry returned and Louis just knew he’d have a little smirk on his face as he asked the question.

 “Have you been on tumblr?” Louis checked.

“Only twitter so far. Larry is trending again; they seem to like us misbehaving.”

“Tumblr likes us too.” Louis passed on. “I don’t think I’ve seen so many photosets of two people wearing t-shirts before.”

 “Me neither.” Harry giggled. “There are a lot of photoshopped images of you walking behind me today instead of Kendall, have you seen those?”

 “I’ve seen a collection.” Louis mused, scrolling past a few more as he spoke. “So what are you up to this week? Is there any other fucking up we can do?”

“I’m not sure.” Harry sighed. “A live stream has been set up for Sunday though for White Eskimo. They want me to seem as straight as possible and there will be a lot of carefully worded questions from Ben Winston so we can give our scripted answers of how great out management are and how much I love Kendall and how much I hate the rumours that I’m gay flying around the internet.”

 “Do you hate the gay rumours?” Louis checked, his heart missing a beat at the possibility Harry hated all of this and it was all a mistake – a ludicrous idea but still a very real one for Louis.

“I fucking love the gay rumours.” Harry smiled back. “Have you seen the Daily Mail article about Kendall and I? They’re trying to blame her being on her phone because of some Kim and Kanye drama or something and linked my t-shirt as a way of hitting back at the claims the two of us have something going on. They decided it was to show that I didn’t care about them because it was so obvious I was obsessively in love with Kendall or some bullshit like that – it’s fucking hilarious.”

 “That sounds like a good read.” Louis chuckled before asking a question that had been niggling in his mind. “If Kendall hates this so much, why does she go along with it?” Kendall Jenner was famous without Harry’s promotion, she was a model and her family had a TV show, she didn’t need to pretend to date a pop star to better her own name or income.

 “Kendall does it for the same reason you and I do, she’s not allowed to be her true self and instead has to pretend to be straight and in love with some band member. This isn’t her choice.”

 “So Kendall isn’t straight?” Louis asked, not entirely surprised.

“No, she and Cara are very much banging and in love.”

 “Cara Delevingne?” Louis asked and remembered a photo that had been on Cara’s Instagram not even a week ago with she and Kendall sharing a bed in some hotel room – everything made a lot of sense now. “Damn, I missed my chance with Cara there.”

 “You like Cara?” Harry asked with an element of surprise in his voice and with a pang Louis realised that Harry probably didn’t realise Louis wasn’t gay but in fact was attracted to people of all genders. Louis needed to have an actual conversation with Harry about what they were and who they were as individuals.

 “I did like Cara,” Louis admitted, “way back at the start of our career but if I remember correctly you and her had a fling then.”

Louis could picture the headlines clearly because for the moment he’d read them his heart had stopped. Louis had hung out with Cara a lot in 2011 before her modelling had completely taken off but when it had done Cara had been around a lot less and then all of a sudden there were headlines about how she and Harry were an exclusive item. Upon reading an article about the two of them it became apparent to Louis that Cara was using Harry as promotion and Harry was using Cara as a prop for his straight sexuality but the memory still stung slightly.

 “Cara was a good laugh, told me quite a few tales about you actually.” Harry teased. _What?_

“She did?” Louis’ cheeks blushed suddenly at memories of drunken nights with Cara, Aiden and Olly in their flat where anything and everything had happened. “What did she tell you?”

 “I’ll have to tell you another time.” Harry sighed, “Believe it or not I have to go now.”

“No, you bastard!” Louis shouted playfully down the phone. “You have to tell me now.” Louis was met with a beep of Harry hanging up and sighed at the now blank screen on his phone, a fond smile still etched onto his face.

 Not wanting to appear too eager (or creepy), Louis let Harry go and instead began to ring his mother. He’d see Harry again and pin him down until he told Louis everything Cara had. Louis would talk to his mother about what he’d done today, about what the plans for Ernie and Doris’ birthday were and how she was and reassure her that he was fine and then he would go to bed and face the backlash of the day’s antics tomorrow morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are much appreciated and treasured. I will love you for an eternity if you share this and you can find me on tumblr @written-with-no-end where you are welcome to come and chat with me xxx :) :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember that time One Direction were interviewed by Ben Winston and it was a fucking car crash? Yeah... here's White Eskimo being interviewed by Ben Winston

_@Harry_Styles: Real eyes realise real lies._

There were ten minutes until the White Eskimo live stream was due to start and Harry had tweeted this: real eyes realise real lies. Louis could just imagine the trouble he would be in when his management realised that he was warning the fans that bullshit was to come but maybe that was why Harry had tweeted it now: McGee couldn’t do anything until the live stream was over and certainly couldn’t address the tweet because that would look more suspicious.

 It was Sunday now and Louis had spent the day making himself multiple cups of tea while he obsessively looked at YouTube videos that ‘proved’ Harry Styles was gay and that all of his relationships were faked. Amongst Harry’s fandom there seemed a strong feeling that he and Nick Grimshaw, the Radio One Breakfast DJ, had something going on but Louis was pretty confident that that wasn’t happening – Nick had an Italian boyfriend called Mario (or something like that) whom Louis had met him once at a party and had decided he didn’t like.

 Many fans had noticed how when Harry had answered questions about the ideal girlfriend or wife, he’d always replied with gender neutral pronouns and had often specified “Someone with a sense of humour” and “Someone supportive” and using ambiguous answers was something Louis had also always done. Another clue to Harry’s hidden sexuality was something that the fans called ‘the winter girlfriend’. Consistently since 2011 on a certain day in December an article had been uploaded announcing Harry’s girlfriend for the winter months. In 2011 it had been Caroline Flack and Louis remembered thinking that was weird even back then. Then come December of 2012 it was reported that Harry and Taylor Swift were the new couple in town and the relationship lasted six weeks – this was something else Louis found weird because Taylor would still bring it up with new songs she released. For the next two years the winter girlfriend had been Kendall Jenner and looking at the dates of the usual winter girlfriend, the Hendall break up was a bit overdue.

 One assumption made by the fans that Louis didn’t like was that Harry was just gay. Louis knew his own fans had the presumption Louis only liked guys and had really struggled with coming to terms with that but they didn’t know any better and Louis couldn’t tell them. He had often managed to slip in the fact that he hated to assume things in interviews, praying the fans would catch on and some did but it was a slow process made only harder by Simon Jones. Louis considered texting Harry and asking whether he, like Louis, was more than just gay or straight but decided against it – Harry had enough on his plate with the upcoming live stream.

 Louis had had a busy week also. The morning after the t-shirt antics Louis had been driven by his bodyguard Al to the Fifth Harmony music video shoot and for a whole day he watched them perform their rehearsed routines and posed for their Snapchats and Instagram photos.

 On Thursday Heidi interacted with a few fans through Louis’ twitter, all female, blonde and with scarcely clad profile pictures. Then in the evening Louis was sent out for a dinner with some wannabe models he didn’t even remember half the names of but Dan Wootton claimed Louis slept with two of them (Louis had gone back to their hotel room with them, had a good chat with them about White Eskimo and then gone home to his own, empty and warm bed.)

 On Friday Louis had woken up, made himself look as hungover as possible and gone to a McDonalds in central London with two models, different from the ones the day before but apparently that wouldn’t matter. The two girls had been nice company and because Louis felt sorry for them he’d bought them both breakfast (conveniently when a fan was filming). On Friday night Louis had gone with Stan out to a club, let himself be photographed with his hands on a few girls’ thighs before he and Stan slipped across the road to the very private gay bar to watch the monthly drag night.

 Louis waited for the live stream to start as it turned five o’clock... and then five past five...

At ten past five Liam tweeted that there were technical difficulties and five minutes later again Niall tweeted telling the fans they were almost ready to be live.

 True to Niall’s word the live stream went live at twenty past five and Louis watched as Ben introduced the live stream before the camera panned to Liam, Zayn, Harry and Niall sat on a red sofa. They were all dressed casually and had had their hair done and as Ben started trying to kick off the interview Louis smirked as they made it instantly difficult for him.

 To start off Niall interrupted Ben with a sneeze and then when Ben complained Liam told Ben to “stick to the script”. That got Louis’ attention because there was a sense of ambiguity to that line that the fans might pick up on. There was every chance that Liam was just referring to the question cue cards in Ben’s hands however Louis had been part of scripted interviews himself and knew that many of the fans would decipher Liam’s line as meaning the boys were being told what to say.

 Eventually the four boys settled down and began to answer the questions Ben was shooting at them and when he asked one about how much things had changed Harry spoke up with a smirk.

 “A lot more things went unnoticed back when we were getting started; you could get away with more.”

Louis saw Ben’s smile falter giving away the fact Harry hadn’t answered like he was supposed to and Ben immediately moved on to a question about tour; he was trying to stay professional. The questions Ben Winston was asking were generic and boring about bad old outfits and then suddenly Ben asked whether they were in control of what happened to them. Louis presumed Ben meant fashion wise however the question “Do you have control over what happens to you?” could be interpreted in many ways.

 “We were and we always have been.” Niall said but Louis watched Harry roll his eyes ever so slightly. If Harry’s life was even vaguely like Louis’ he’d have very little control over anything – Niall obviously had a prepared answer for this question _._ “Having control is something we’ve always done and we’ve always said what we’ve wanted to happen and if we haven’t agreed with something we’ve told our management and they’ve let us change it.”

 Louis was too busy laughing to himself about the blatant lies Niall was probably reading off of a script that he missed the next part of the interview but just caught it as Ben asked them about their social media.

 “Is there ever a negative side to that because your fans are incredible and they support you so fervently but is there ever a negative side or a time because sometimes it can get quite personal abuse to your family or your friends or girlfriends and can it sometimes get too far?”

 Liam spoke up about people not realising there was someone on the other side of the screen and Louis waited for Harry to say that he didn’t like people abusing Kendall online but it didn’t come. Instead Harry told Ben that “Twitter has been a great thing and it has really helped our career and although there are negative people on there, there are negative people in every walk of life so it is what it is and you can deal with it.”

 “Three of you obviously have girlfriends and sorry to exclude you Niall but has it ever affected your partners in any way or are you able to brush it off? I imagine it must be quite hard sometimes.

 “I’m lucky with Soph, she’s a very private person.”

“At first I’m sure it is daunting but we’ve got ourselves good partners who understand our lives and the ins and outs of what we have to do.” Harry told Ben. “Zayn and I have partners who work in the same trade as we do so they go through it themselves.”

 Only Kendall didn’t work in the same trade as Harry because she was a model – Louis worked in the same trade as Harry, in fact they had almost identical jobs.

 Ben seemed to also notice that Harry had veered off the script again so asked another question, the camera mysteriously panning to just Ben while a Yorkshire snicker could be heard; Zayn – like Louis – found this whole ordeal fucking hilarious.

 “Your fans are very dedicated, we know this and your fans are famous for it but they have quite a talent for leaking private things.”

 “Yeah, like the album.” Harry cut in immediately. Not the private photos of Liam and Zayn that Louis remember leaked last year. Photos of the two of them on a fishing date and the most tell-tale one of Liam’s hand on the small of Zayn’s back while the two faced out to sea, heads turned in to gaze at each other. Liam and Zayn’s closet had been a good one that Louis had never been too sure of. Zayn and Perrie’s relationship was the classic celebrity relationship where they both claimed to want privacy but occasionally on one of their social medias would appear a selfie or a photo suggesting they were living together.

It was Liam and Sophia that had thrown Louis – Sophia was an invisible presence and when Liam had claimed that she liked privacy, he was right. Her accounts were all on private and very little was known about her _however_ at the party Louis had attended when he and Harry had been on their way out, Louis had spotted Zayn sat in Liam’s lap, Liam’s hands tight around his waist while Perrie and Leigh-Anne did shots.

 “So you really don’t like your fans leaking things?” Ben persisted and all four of them nodded.

“With music and music videos it’s frustrating.” Liam nodded. “Often we like to plan when they come out,” Louis took note on that phrase, “and it’s frustrating when it doesn’t happen when you want it to. Often people make the things coming out very difficult and-,”

 “So you don’t like it when it happens early?” Ben cut Liam off, it didn’t go unnoticed by Louis and probably many others. If White Eskimo were trying to raise suspicions, they were doing a very good job of it – Louis should take notes.

 “It’s frustrating yes.” Harry nodded. “Things are taken out of our hands is really annoying because you think you have a say in something and think you have everything in your own control but it is all just stripped from you and you are left useless.”

 The flash of panic in Ben’s eyes didn’t go unnoticeable in the camera pan away from his face before he asked the next question obviously planned for this interview – Louis laughed when he heard it.

 “I saw on a Channel 4 documentary a while back about teenage girls who were fans of bands that fans have written stories about you and your relationships with each other, do you not find these weird?”

 “Yes.” Niall said with about as much expression as a six-year-old acting, the answer was obviously on a prompt just behind the camera. “It is very weird.”

 “It’s quite creative though.” Zayn reasoned with an interested note. “You’ve got to give them credit, some are being published and stuff. I’ve seen a few that I’ve quite liked the look of.”

 Ben started to turn the conversation down a different route entirely but Louis was distracted by Harry who, if Louis wasn’t mistaken said, “Jack McQueen.”

 The name rung a bell but Louis couldn’t be sure if he was getting mixed up with the fashion designer, Alexander McQueen. Glancing back at the screen where Ben was trying to get the band to say that gay sex was gross, Louis decided he could stop paying attention for five seconds while he googled who the hell Jack McQueen was; had Jack written one of these stories about them?

  The first the search came up with was multiple photos of Harry in floral shirts and for one mad second Louis thought it could be Harry’s pseudonym. Further investigation told Louis however that no, Jack McQueen was a character in one of these fanfictions that was specifically about Harry and Louis and the fanfiction was absolutely huge.

 Before Louis could read any further about this Jack McQueen however, Ben’s next question caught his ears and he had to turn back to the live stream.

 “So what is the oddest rumour you’ve ever heard about yourself boys?”

The question was a perfect one for any of the boys’ answer “I heard a rumour that someone thought I was gay”; Harry would probably say “I heard a rumour that I have a thing with Louis but there’s nothing” and Zayn and Liam would deny any relationship between themselves and all the stupidity would stop.

 Louis wondered for a moment whether the sound had cut out on his livestream with the silence that followed Ben’s question but eventually Harry said, almost with a smirk, “I heard that I was dead once.”

Zayn’s face contorted strangely while he obviously tried to suppress a giggle at Harry’s answer and Liam couldn’t help but play along to Harry’s game.

 “We’ve all been dead a couple of times actually.” Liam nodded, face as straight as could be. “It’s a bit scary to read on your twitter feed that one of the other guys is dead but you text them and they’re like “I’m still here” and you just carry on scrolling.” Louis wasn’t sure whether Liam understood the hilarity of the situation or whether he was just a very good actor but Zayn’s bottom lip disappeared under his teeth while he bit it, trying desperately not to laugh.

 Ben was obviously fuming about the band’s reaction and Louis completely understood why. The live stream was doing nothing but confirming the fact that something was going on behind the scenes of this band and anyone, literally _anyone,_ who had any suspicion would have them confirmed.

 Ben wouldn’t let the live stream turned into a car crash so tried again, a tone of desperation in his voice. “So being dead is the weirdest thing you’ve ever heard about yourself? Surely there’s something worse than being dead that you can think of.”

 The four bandmates gave Ben identical, judgemental looks at that statement and Louis was judging him too. Ben’s primary job of the night was to make the band look straight and give them chances to deny being gay – Ben had just implied that being gay was worse than being dead which naturally wouldn’t sit well with at least three quarters of the band (and it wasn’t like Niall, their close friend, would support it either). Ben realised the stupidity of his own statement and asked another question, his cheeks a shade of scarlet and his head hung slightly lower on his shoulders.

 “So we got some questions sent in from the fans,” Ben began, “and a lot wanted to know if you could change one thing about your life, what would you change?”

  _I would love to have more privacy with my girlfriend. I would like to change the amount of rumours about us. I would like for people to start believing that I do love Kendall. I would love to marry and have children with my girlfriend._ The possibilities were endless but Harry’s answer was true to himself and struck a chord inside of Louis.

 “Freedom.” Harry said clearly with impossible determination in his eyes. “I would like to have more freedom.”

“You mean...” Ben stalled to search for a way to steer the conversation in a different direction. “You are often trapped in hotels aren’t you.”

 “Yes.” Harry nodded with a dead tone. “We often aren’t able to come out and-,”

 “Weren’t you all stuck in a bread ban in Brazil recently?” Ben interrupted as Harry made even more suggestive points.

Ben wasn’t doing a very good job with this interview, he really should have stuck to directing and producing.

 “Yes we were.” Niall nodded, taking the lead. “There were thousands, maybe tens of thousands of fans outside of our hotel and so we all climbed into the back of a bread van and went out, it was like a disguise for us all.”

 Ben waited, clearly wanting one of the others to expand on the story but they didn’t cooperate and Ben resorted to asking another question from his card.

“You must have been asked this a thousand times before but,” he paused as if to raise the suspense, “what four traits do you look for in a partner?”

 The camera panned to the four boys on the sofa and Zayn and Niall were both rolling their eyes. Liam took a sigh before speaking up first, being the good Eskimo. “Female is usually a good trait.”

 Louis glanced to Harry on the screen to gauge his reaction but he just shrugged and muttered “Not that important.”

 Niall and Liam’s eyes grew to the size of golf balls, Zayn’s jaw dropped and Ben just glanced around to someone behind the camera. Someone of importance obviously mouthed “carry on” because Ben turned back to Liam, ignoring Harry’s comment as best as he could.

 “Liam, you say female, what about you Niall?”

“Um... good personality. Someone you can have a laugh with.” Niall decided, that was a fair point.

Ben turned to Zayn. “What do you look for in a partner Zayn?”

 “Um...” Zayn unmistakably glanced at Liam before smirking yet again, “I’m not sure, what do you look for in a partner Ben?”

 Ben frowned slightly at the change in tone but played along with their game. “Someone pretty.” He settled with and immediately Harry and Zayn both challenged him.

 “So you think beauty is skin deep?” Zayn asked and Ben flushed.

“Would you only ever be with someone pretty?” Harry asked. “Not even if they had the greatest personality on earth?”

 “I didn’t-,” Ben tried but the boys were evidently sick of behaving.

“Would you go an ugly person or not?” Liam challenged and Ben squirmed uncomfortably, his fake smile that he’d plastered on so well now completely disintegrated.

 “How about a man?” Niall added, a mischievous smile on his own face. “Would you ever go with a man Ben?”

“Of course I wouldn’t go a man!” Ben insisted and Harry simply shrugged.

 “Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.” He told Ben and another look of panic flashed in Ben’s eyes before suddenly Louis’ screen went blank except for a message that read "We’re experiencing some technical difficulties, we will try and get back online as soon as possible”

 “Technical difficulties?” Louis scoffed, imagining the pandemonium unfolding on tumblr. “More like you fucking lost control of your clients.”

 Louis waited for five minutes for the live stream to return, dropping Harry a text asking how much trouble he was in and making a cup of tea before the message on the screen changed and read “We cannot bring the live stream back, thank you for your patience.”

 Zayn then helpfully tweeted “One of our cameras stopped working and we can’t carry on sorry” and Liam added “Thanks for the great interview Ben, I loved it”. Louis chuckled at both of the attempts to make everything look normal but then a tweet from Harry popped up at the top of his twitter feed:

_@Harry_Styles: Powerless and I don’t care, it’s obvious_

Louis couldn’t believe Harry had tweeted something as blatant as that so shortly after the ship wreck of a live stream and twenty seconds later when the tweet was deleted it looked increasingly shady.

 They were Louis’ lyrics from The Rogues’ most recent single that had hit the top of the charts during the week of its release. Most people in the Westernized world would have been subjected to that song in the past few months and Louis was over the moon about the reception it had received.

 Louis also knew the next line of that song though and he couldn’t be the only one.

_I just can’t get enough of you, the pedal’s down my eyes are closed_

_‘No Control’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like someone is going to be in trouble (shocked emoji)  
> You might have noticed my mentions of Jack McQueen in the chapter and don't worry, he will return! Thank you so much Dolce for letting me mention Jack and Escapade in this fic, I love it and think everyone should read it:  
> Escapade - dolce_piccante (I can't work out how to link because I am shit at things like this but google it, it is everywhere)  
> Did you know I have another WIP fic? Well I do! Please go and check out If We Were Birds... if you like (you don't have to but I will love you forever if you do)  
> Comments and kudos are much appreciated and alternatively you can find me on tumblr @written-with-no-end  
> XX


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait but this is almost 7k, I hope you enjoy it!  
> *sighs with relief that this chapter is finally up*

Harry never replied to Louis’ concerned text but Louis didn’t really have time to worry about it. On Monday morning Louis had to be at the BBC Radio building by half past eight in order to convince the world he had a crush on Cara Delevingne, that he wasn’t involved with Harry Styles and that The Rogues’ tour was really worth coming to.

 Nick Grimshaw introduced Louis after _No Control_ played out to the nation and Louis stayed good humoured and chatty throughout the first segment of the show. Louis stayed focussed on the tour coming up in the summer. They touched briefly on the Brit Awards and how The Rogues were up for two awards before Nick played the next track and turned to Louis as soon as the mics and cameras were off.

 “Have you seen twitter this morning?” Nick asked and Louis shook his head, put out by the question - what had he missed? The early start had meant not long after the live stream had wrapped up Louis had climbed into bed and this morning hadn’t checked any social media. Louis realised now that the move might have been foolish because he doubted the aftermath of the livestream was calm. “Check Harry’s twitter and then check the trends.” It was all Nick said before turning to Fifi, one of his producers and discussing Cara’s interview tomorrow leaving Louis pulling his phone out at lightning speed.

 Louis opened his twitter app and wondered how he’d missed a tweet from Harry since the live stream but he felt slightly sick when he saw Harry’s tweets from twenty minutes past midnight.

_@Harry_Styles: You realise speculating about Louis and I will only anger us. You’re ruining our relationships with our girlfriends so stop!_

_@Harry_Styles: It was a drunken mistake and consistently asking us only makes us more frustrated about it. Accept that we are straight and move on._

Louis didn’t dare scroll through the replies to the tweets however knew it hadn’t been Harry’s fingers that had typed that message. An angry tweet couldn’t be Harry’s only punishment to last night’s behaviour and Louis would ring Harry later to talk to him more but Louis also needed to check the twitter trends before the song finished.

_#LarryIsReal_

_#FreeLarry_

That was what the livestream and Harry’s tweets had done: they had made The Rogues and White Eskimo fans take control of twitter and make sure everyone could see that Larry (Louis and Harry) needed freeing (because they were trapped in the closet) and that they were real (there was definitely something going on). McGee and Jones must surely realise by now that by shooting down and suppressing Harry and Louis’ lives it made the fans more determined and adamant there was something being hidden.

 The track finished without Louis realising – too lost in his own thoughts – and that was when Nick asked the crucial question.

“Louis, are we ready for call or delete?” Nick asked.

 “I think so.” If the fates were really in Louis’ favour, he would land on Eleanor and would be able to convince the country he was very much in love with his girlfriend. Jones might finally give him a break and let Louis up to Doncaster with Eleanor on his arm but- Louis remembered with a start that he no longer had a girlfriend. It was weird, it felt sort of like an actual break up – he didn’t know how to feel about it. There was also the chance that Louis could land on one the numbers he’d picked up on a one-night stand and would have to decide whether to delete them and explain why or to ring them would be worse. Why did anyone agree to play this game?

 “Are there any numbers you really don’t want to land on?” Nick asked and Louis tried to think of someone he could be honest about.

 “I think ringing my Mum might be a bit embarrassing.” Louis admitted. “Or my boss. There are a few numbers I’ve picked up over the years that would be weird to call because I don’t really know them but we’ll see.” That didn’t sound too suspicious did it? What if he landed on Aiden or Alex? He would scroll far down from ‘A’ so that that didn’t happen.

 “We have Cara Delevingne on tomorrow, do you have her number?”

“I do actually.” Louis nodded and didn’t have to fake the tone of pride in his voice when he told Nick that. “We’ve been matey before, it’d be nice to have a chat to her and see how she is. I haven’t spoken to her in a while.”

 “Fingers crossed for Cara then?” Nick asked with a wink that wouldn’t be picked up by the camera streaming live to the internet. “Eyes closed then Louis and start scrolling.”

 Louis did so, randomly flicking up and down and trying to land somewhere in the ‘C’ section and try and make sure Cara played along nicely. He didn’t want to land in the As because that meant Aiden or Alex which would be awkward, he didn’t want to land on ‘Mum’ because she would almost certainly out him and if he landed on Simon Jones he might just shoot himself on the spot.

“Stop.”

 Louis did and opened his eyes to see which contact he’d landed on – his stomach flipped.

_Harry Styles ;)_

“Oh no...” Louis muttered, his heart sinking and soaring at the same time. He could fuck things up so, so beautifully right now but he could get fired and Harry’s job was likely to dangling from a thread already. He needed to talk to Harry but now with everyone listening and Harry would want to tell Louis about yesterday. Louis would have to take control of the conversation immediately and and make sure nothing too discriminating was said.

 “Who’ve you landed on Louis?” Nick prompted for the radio and Louis swallowed.

“Um... I’ve landed on someone you know quite well actually. Believe it or not I’ve landed on Harry Styles from White Eskimo.”

 Of course Nick Grimshaw had to wolf whistle – Louis was definitely fired. “Harry Styles you say? So Louis, are you going to call Harry or are you going to in fact delete him?” Louis opened his mouth to answer delete because that was his job. _I’ll delete him because I don’t know him that well and it might be a bit weird to talk to him._ Louis would say that and everything would be fine however somewhere along the line the message from his brain got lost in translation and Louis found himself telling Nick he was going to call Harry.

 “Brilliant. What are we going to say to Harry then? How well do you know Harry, I know that you party together sometimes?”

 “Yes we do.” Louis nodded, there was the one party that everyone knew about.

“Now I know Harry quite well as well.” Nick told the radio, it wouldn’t be news to any of them. “You’re both going to be at the Brits aren’t you, do you think you’ll have a chance to chat to him there?”

 “I hope so.” Louis nodded. “It’s always nice to see that Eskimos.”

“I think what we should do is tell Harry you’re throwing a fancy dress party tonight and he needs to come dressed up as something he loves. For example, I know Harry loves cats so he could come as a cat.”

 “And what will this party be for?” Louis asked Nick, unsure of a realistic answer to give Harry if he asked.

“It’s a band party because of your brits nomination.” Nick told Louis. “Let’s ring him and see if he says yes. Do you think he’ll pick up or will he see your number and ignore it?”

 Louis couldn’t bring himself to lie. “I think he’ll pick up.” Louis clicked ‘call’ and then the two men waited for Harry to either pick up or humiliate Louis’ confidence in Harry answering. The dialling tone rang out into the studio and Louis found himself praying that Harry wouldn’t answer so that he didn’t get fired. At the same time however, Louis wanted Harry to answer because that meant that Louis could flirt with Harry and invite Harry to a party and let the world know that Harry didn’t hate him.

Suddenly the dialling tone halted and Harry’s voice filled the Radio One studio. “Louis!”

“Hiya Haz.” Louis smiled, not caring for the cameras seeing how pleased he was that Harry had answered. “Are you alright?”

 “I was almost fired yesterday but apart from that I’m alright.” Harry nodded and Louis felt his stomach sink – this could ruin everything. Nick seemed to realise as well because his eyes widened in panic. “Are you okay Lou?”

 “Yeah, listen- the boys and I are throwing a fancy dress party tonight, it’s delayed but it’s for our two brit nominations. Do you want to come? Bring White Eskimo along?”

“That’s a bit weird isn’t it?” Harry asked, suspicion in his voice. “We’re nominated in the same categories; it’d be awkward if we won both of them.”

 “No it won’t.” Louis told Harry. “Just come to the party Haz, it’s an excuse to get drunk with me.”

“Okay.” Harry agreed. “What’s the dress code then, it’s fancy dress right?”

 “You have to dress as something you love.” Louis told Harry.

“What are you dressing as then? Cock?”

 “HARRY!” Louis yelled at the phone. Harry had just sworn at nine o’clock on national radio. He’d been witty and Louis wanted to laugh but the severity of the situation was too high and Louis had to think quickly. “You’re funny but it’s too early in the morning for that. I was going to dress as a football.”

 “I was close then.” Harry reasoned. “Cock and balls.” Louis could see Nick’s producer pressing a lot of buttons, Nick cringing and the co-producer muttering something about the seven second delay. Were Harry’s obscenities bleeped out or not? Then maybe they could pretend Harry had said pussy or tits... Who was Louis kidding? Everyone knew what Harry had said.

 “So what are you going to come as then?” Louis prompted but he wasn’t sure if the radio wanted to know his answer.

 “Maybe a good bum.” Harry told Louis which was alright, at least it was gender neutral.

 “That’s good to know.” Louis nodded and glanced at Nick who was miming for Louis to cut. “Nick actually thought you were going to say a cat.”

“Nick? Grimshaw?” Harry was cottoning on. “Shit, I’m on Call and Delete aren’t I? I’m fucked!”

 “Harry, stop swearing!” Nick yelled. “It’s okay, there’s a seven second delay so we’ve managed to bleep you but I think Fifi might combust with all of that moving.”

 “Is there no party then?” Harry asked. He sounded calm but if Louis was in Harry’s position he would be panicking and freaking out.

 “No, I’m really sorry Harry.” Louis couldn’t apologise for what he really wanted to on radio but as soon as he was done he would ring Harry or go and see him to apologise properly.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it.” Harry sighed but still sounded cheery. “Ring me later yeah, I need to talk to you.”

 “I will.” Louis promised.

“See you Louis.”

 “Bye.” Louis put the phone down and then turned to Nick who quite frankly looked scared.

“I think we might have got Harry into a bit of trouble.” Nick told Louis. “If you were friends before you won’t be anymore.”

 “Yeah, thanks for that Nick.” Louis tried to sound jokily annoyed but he was desperately worried.

“Well we’re going to play Ed Sheeran next with Don’t, Louis, after the break we’ll chat a bit more about your tour and about your friendship with Cara Delevingne. I want to hear more about that, I never knew that you were friends.”

 “Yeah, we can chat about that.” Louis nodded, his phone clutched tightly in his hand. Nick quickly introduced the next track and as soon as the microphones off Nick turned to Louis.

 “Ring him.”

That was all Louis needed. He had three minutes and he left the room, heading out into the corridor and ringing Harry. He paced as the dialling tone rang once again only this time the call went to voicemail and Louis waited for the tone.

 “Hi Harry – listen. I am so, so, so sorry about what just happened and I won’t forgive myself if I have gotten you fired or- look, you know I didn’t do it on purpose. I panicked live on air and rang you instead of deleted you and Nick came up with the idea which I didn’t think could go wrong but I should have just told you sooner or- look, I don’t know what I should have done but I’m sorry it happened and I take full responsibility for it.”

Louis quietened as someone passed him. He knew the people working for the radio were contractually obliged to keep anything they heard from the press but he could never be too sure. “Harry, I really hope everything is okay for you and I want to see you later to apologise in person. I feel so shitty about this and... please text me or ring me. Maybe text me because I have a bit more radio left but... Can I see you please?”

Fifi the producer stuck her head out of the studio door and told Louis he had a minute left. “Haz, I have to go but I want to speak to you. Properly and without the nation listening or any bullshit like that. I hope everything is okay for you, I’ll see you later hopefully.”

 Louis ended the voice mail and headed back into the studio as the last few bars of _Don’t_ played out. Louis muttered “Voice mail” to Nick who grimaced before the track ended and Nick put on his happy presenter voice and began presenting again.

Nick chatted about Ed Sheeran for a bit, referencing the last time he’d come in to probably give Louis some to mentally prepare himself for talking again.

 “Anyway, Louis Tomlinson from The Rogues is here if you’ve just tuned in!”

“Hello.” Louis smiled into the mic.

 “Louis, before Ed Sheeran we mentioned Cara Delevingne; are you mates with her?” This was Louis’ chance to straighten himself out and he needed to desperately after the Harry situation that everyone listening to the radio had fucking heard.

“Um- back in the day we used to hang out a lot yeah.” Louis nodded.

 “Was it romantic?” Nick asked with a wink and Louis blushed and shook his head.

“Sadly not but I wish it had been.” There we go, Simon Jones might be happy with that and it wasn’t even a lie.

 “So why did you hang out? How did you meet her?”

“Well it was sort of before she was a massive super famous model and actress that we knew each other and she tweeted me one night just saying that she really liked the song and asking if we’d be at this party later in the day and Olly and I were going to this party. We went along with a mate called Aiden, met up with Cara and we all got on really well with her so we used to hang out with her a lot.”

 “So when she got all famous did she ditch you?” Nick asked and Louis laughed, shaking his head.

“Not at all. The Rogues took off worldwide, Cara had a lot of work and we just didn’t have time anymore. Somewhere on a memory stick of hers is a bunch of songs she, Olly and I wrote together which would be weird to hear now but she’s a really good singer and we used to write and sing together a lot.”

 “Oh that’s cool. Do you think we could tell her to bring in that memory stick tomorrow and see if we could hear the songs?”

 “I don’t know if she’d still have it but that would be cool.” Louis agreed. “I do need to ring her and see if we can hear those but I don’t know if they’d be very good. They weren’t very like The Rogues stuff now; I remember they were very poppy.” Louis remembered one of the songs particularly well.

 “We’re Radio One Louis, we love pop music!”

“Well we’ll see.” Louis shrugged. Surely he’d talked about Cara enough, he wanted to go home now.

 “Well Louis, we’re out of time.”

“Is that it?” Louis asked, mocking surprise. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and prayed that it was a text from Harry.

 “Yes, I like having you in though, you spice the show up.” Nick told Louis and Louis blushed again.

“Thanks Nick. Is that just because of the call of delete?”

 “It might be.” Nick admitted with a cheeky grin. “We have Fall Out Boy, Centuries to play you out Louis. How’s that?”

 “It sounds good.” Louis nodded but he was desperate to check your phone. “Thank you for having me Nick, I appreciate it.”

 Nick smiled at Louis as he pressed play on the next record and Louis breathed a sigh of relief as the microphones went off. He pulled his phone out as he stood up and checked the text – it was from Harry:

_Stop worrying about me, what about you? Won’t that phone call get you into trouble as well?  
And yeah, I want to see you too. Come over this afternoon so we can talk about everything. I have more stupid stunts to tell you about but I still have my job._

Harry had sent another text with his address on it and Louis breathed a sigh of relief. Harry was okay.

Louis didn’t care about himself right now, he felt like he’d spoken about Cara enough and Heidi had already tweeted from Louis’ account “Always the joker @Harry_Styles”

 Louis went home after the radio and Olly was waiting for him on the sofa with Finn, the radio still playing in the background.

“Mate, well done with that phone call?” Olly smiled but Louis just sighed and put his head in his hands. Jones hadn’t tried to contact him yet so he was still in the clear but it could only be a matter of time.

 “I shouldn’t have called him; I should have fucking deleted him.”

At Louis’ response Olly and Finn both frowned. “Was it not planned?” Finn checked and Louis shook his head slowly.

 “Harry is in really deep shit. They did a live stream last might, White Eskimo I mean, and all four of them properly misbehaved. Harry said that a partner being female wasn’t important and told Ben not to knock gay sex until he tried it. Did you see what he tweeted last night about me? He almost got fired yesterday and I go and trick him into basically outing both of us on the radio.”

 “He didn’t out himself did he?” Olly frowned, “Did he out you?”

“I told him to dress as something he loved and he went and said “I suppose you’re coming as cock then.” And then I asked him and he said he was going to come as arse.” Olly and Finn both frowned at each other when Louis told them this and Louis stared back at them in confusion.

 “I thought he said tits. It was bleeped but it sounded like he was mocking your straight image.” Finn told Louis. “As in- “Oh, well I suppose you’re going to have to pretend you love tits” and then, well I dunno what we thought Harry said.” Finn looked back at Olly who shrugged. Maybe it really hadn’t been as obvious as Louis had thought it had been but some people would still cotton on. Millions of people listened to Nick Grimshaw and Harry and Louis both had millions of fans who would listen to it back on YouTube and SoundCloud and there were fans who would post transcripts of it everywhere – someone would say it.

 “Have you spoken to Harry since the call and delete?” Finn checked and Louis nodded.

“I’m seeing him this afternoon, he’s got some stunts coming up to tell me about and I need to apologise properly.”

 Olly and Finn both nodded at this before Finn got up and stretched. “Well I’m going to see James. I was all pumped for that fancy dress party Lou, why did you get my hopes up like that?”

 Finn was joking and ruffled Louis’ hair as he walked past and left their flat. Louis hated how Finn was six foot four and yet he and Olly were both only five foot nine and ten. Finn was a huge drummer who took great pride in his size and even Will was at a respectable six foot – maybe the main reason Louis and Olly had become such good friends was because they couldn’t actually look their other two band mates in the eye.

When the afternoon came around Louis finished his three hour long Fifa session with Olly and pulled on his new leather jacket as he went to leave.

 “Are you trying to impress him? Pretend you’re a biker like him?” Olly teased. Louis frowned – he hadn’t consciously done it but would that be what it looked like to Harry? Did Louis want to impress Harry? They weren’t dating but Louis wasn’t quite sure where they stood. They had kissed for the cameras originally but the second time there had been no one watching so maybe Harry did want more. Louis didn’t want to think about it now, he just wanted to see Harry so ignored Olly’s comment and grabbed his bag, telling Olly to lock up if he left.

 Louis had checked Harry’s address on Google Maps earlier so knew it was only two tube stops away so instead of hailing a taxi or getting his own car out of the garage he headed to the train stop and hoped he didn’t get recognised and asked awkward questions he couldn’t answer.

 While he was waiting for a train he noticed that one of the adverts on the dingy wall was a White Eskimo one advertising their new album. It was one of the full size ones that made the band the actual heights they were and as Louis was checking their album’s release date (25th of March) he heard his name.

 “Isn’t that Louis Tomlinson?” There was a teenage couple a few metres down from him, waiting for the train also and the girl had her phone out, snapping a photo of him already. Louis smiled at them and the girl blushed, turning away while her boyfriend rolled his eyes.

 “Just ask him for a photo if you want him.” He told her and the girl glanced back at Louis, this time not startling when they made eye contact.” She shook her head but her boyfriend rolled his eyes for a second time and took her hand, dragging her towards Louis. “Excuse me, are you Louis Tomlinson from The Rogues? My girlfriend is a huge fan of yours but is too scared to ask for a photo.”

 Louis had seen it a million and one times before so nodded and let the girl come and stand next to him while her boyfriend snapped a photo.

 “Don’t be scared to ask for a photo next time love.” He told her. “I love meeting fans.”

“Okay.” The girl nodded. “Thank you. I’m coming to see you on tour in a few months and I’m dragging Harry with me.” Louis glanced at the boyfriend.

 “Is Harry your man?” Louis checked and the girl nodded. “How long have you been together then?”

“Two years.” The girl told Louis. “He’s a big fan of yours but he won’t admit it.”

 “I prefer White Eskimo.” Harry shrugged and Louis couldn’t help but chuckle. He could hear the tube coming closer and just before it stopped at the station he couldn’t help but reply: “I love White Eskimo too.”

 He had no idea if this couple knew anything about him and Harry Styles or the rumours surrounding them but talking to fans was one of his favourite things to do – he wasn’t going to deprive them of anything. They liked White Eskimo, so did he, why couldn’t they know?

 As he approached Harry’s building his stomach filled with nerves. Harry would be mad would he? Louis had only met Harry once before and wasn’t entirely sure how Harry would react to what had happened. That in itself was weird because if felt like so much more and Louis felt like he should know Harry better but the sad fact was that he didn’t, not really.

 Harry’s building was very similar to Louis’, only smaller, and as Louis got into the lift to head for the fourth floor he even noticed that the adverts in the lift were the same. Unlike Louis’ building, when Louis got out of the lift there were only two flats on the floor and Louis knocked on Harry’s door and waited, listening to the footsteps echo down Harry’s hall.

 When Harry opened the flat door Louis smiled and without really registering what he was doing, pulled Harry in for a hug. A chanting voice in the back of his mind was reminding him that he and Harry weren’t in a relationship and the line was very blurred, too blurred if Louis was honest for a hug, but a louder voice coming from somewhere else in Louis was telling him to do whatever it took to get close to Harry. Harry accepted the hug graciously and neither man said a word, just stood holding each other for a moment. When they let go, Harry let out a deep breath and smiled at Louis, his green eyes lit up.

 “It’s good to see you.”

“You too.” Louis couldn’t help but return. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

 “It’s fine.” Harry smiled. “If anything I outed you.”

“Well Finn and Olly were listening and they didn’t realise you said cock so we might be alright.” Louis revealed and Harry’s eyebrows raised in surprise.

“They didn’t get it?” Louis shook his head and Harry chuckled – Louis couldn’t help but join in.

 Harry led Louis into his flat, passing the master bedroom with a door that was ajar and another closed door. At the end of the corridor was a large living space, off of which came the kitchen and Louis paused for a second to take it in. Unlike Louis and Finn’s flat, Harry’s came with a private terrace that was at the back of the building, away from the road. The flat was smaller by far, only built to house one person but Louis liked it – it was cosy.  “I’ll take your jacket for you.” Harry offered. “Make yourself at home.” Louis responded by slipping his jacket off, reminded again of what Olly had said to him before he’d left and then banishing it to the back of his mind.

 “Do you want a drink?” Harry offered as he took Louis’ jacket off him.

“Tea please.” Louis replied and watched as Harry disappeared into the kitchen, placing Louis’ jacket on a hook as he went. Louis hesitated between following Harry into the kitchen and staying to nose around Harry’s flat but eventually just sat down on the plush sofa, glancing around the flat’s living space to get a feel for the place.

 One wall had a large window looking onto the terrace and another wall also had a large window that just looked out to a brick wall. The bare wall beside it was taken up by a large bookshelf on which was a collection of White Eskimo awards, a few photos and various books. Between the sofa and television and on top of that lay a copy of yesterday’s The Sun. Louis wasn’t surprised when he saw that the headline mentioned his name.

**_“IT WAS A MISTAKE” HARRY STYLES OPENS UP ABOUT TOMMO KISS_ **

“Did you read it?” Harry asked, coming back into the room but Louis shook his head, watching as Harry placed a tray on the coffee table. On it was floral teapot, a pair of delicate cups and saucers and a jug full of milk.

 “I didn’t know there was an article out.” Louis admitted, skimming over it. “This wasn’t actually you talking was it?”

 “The first I heard of the article was when a copy was given to me before the livestream, a good few hours after it had been published.” Louis chuckled as Harry rolled his eyes, pointing out a particular line Dan Wootton had written.

_“A source close to the band revealed that Harry and Kendall are already prepared to settle down together and added that Harry would be delighted if he was featured on the next series of Keeping Up with Kardashians because he has always been a massive fan.”_

Louis chuckled and scanned the article some more, spotting another part of the article which read:

_“Styles and Tomlinson are not even friends and have always disliked each other highly. The rest of White Eskimo and The Rogues have always been eager to meet and work together however Styles and Tomlinson have always prevented that happening. Tomlinson crashed White Eskimo’s end of tour party and an infuriated Styles turned to drink while Tomlinson flirted with crew members and befriended Harry’s bandmates. By the time the two kissed, neither was in a fit state of mind and didn’t remember the kiss until they saw the photo. Why they did kiss will remain a mystery however it is far from passion as many fans would like to believe.”_

“Is this all it takes to be a journalist?” Louis asked Harry, pointing that part out. “Make up some shit about a photo you see online and see who laps it up?”

 Harry nodded. “It certainly seems like it. Do you take milk in your tea? Sugar?”

“Milk but no sugar.” Louis told Harry and watched as he poured the milk in first and then the tea – the right way. One of Louis’ pet hates was people that poured in tea the wrong way and Finn Green was one of the worst culprits. “I saw you tweeted No Control lyrics yesterday.”

 “Well it’s a good song.” Harry smirked. “I got in big trouble for tweeting it though. It’s one of your songs and the message of us having no control was far too obvious according to McGee. The live stream was late because McGee kept yelling at me for the ‘real eyes’ tweet and then behind the cameras during the live stream everyone, literally everyone, was trying to mime to us to stop so when the live stream cut out we all got another ribbing. We weren’t allowed to leave until about midnight which is when that tweet about you was tweeted.” Harry had bags under eyes and was obviously tired however he looked happy and Louis although Louis didn’t want to assume that it was because he was there, it was a nice thought.

 “You still have a job though?” Louis checked and Harry nodded, handing over the cup of tea with a sigh of relief.

 “I heard you talking about Cara on the radio. Were you told to talk about her lots?” Why had Harry asked that?

 “Did it sound forced?”

“Not particularly. I know you like her and were mates but I wondered if it was one of Jones’ ways of keeping you straight like the way I have Kendall.”

 “It sort of is.” Louis nodded. “But there was a mention last week of me having to fake getting some girl pregnant. I don’t think there’s any way they could actually carry that out and I doubt anyone would believe it but... well they were certainly considering it quite seriously.”

 Harry didn’t respond to this but instead took a sip of tea, eyes just watching Louis carefully. The silence grew drawn out so Louis decided to break it.

“What did Cara tell you about me then?” Louis asked. “You promised you’d say.”  and Harry smiled softly.

“Quite a lot actually, she seemed to be quite fond of you.” Harry revealed. Louis was taken back about that being the first thing Harry had said. Louis was crazy when drunk, Louis was fucking hilarious, Louis was a sarcastic shit – these were all things Louis often heard about himself but Harry had taken away the most that Cara was fond of him.

 “I suppose that was mutual then.” Louis smiled softly.

“No but in all seriousness, I think she admired you. She told me about you and Aiden and how strong the two of you had been as a couple despite not being allowed to be out and having to pretend there was nothing going on. When Cara told me that it made me pay attention to you even more because I realised we were in the same situation and... well I always sort of wanted to meet you and just talk to you about life.” There was a sentimental tone to Harry’s voice and Louis realised for the first time that this wasn’t a small thing for Harry. Harry had been sixteen and closeted whilst being thrust into fame and after a year or so of thinking he was the only one like this he’d heard of Louis who was in a parallel situation to him and had two more years on him in age – had Louis ever seemed like an older brother to Harry?

 Louis knew that Harry must have always felt different to Liam and Zayn. They were together and neither of them was as famous and in the limelight as Harry. Sure, Zayn had gotten engaged to Perrie but he had Liam by his side 24/7 and could go months on end without being papped. Zayn was the mysterious one of White Eskimo and could get away with no saying anything in interviews and being distant. Harry was _the_ Harry Styles and had been sixteen when this had all started.

 That was where White Eskimo differed to The Rogues. The Rogues had all been older when they’d started out and so had been more mature and stronger as people when they’d begun this all. Also unlike White Eskimo, the fame and publicity was shared. Sure, it was always Louis who was in trouble in the press but that was because he misbehaved and went against management so got punished whereas the other three boys could display some self-control. Louis was the front man in terms of he was the lead singer and arguably the face of the band but it was very rare he did anything solo (Radio One that morning had been an exception). Louis and Finn had both been in the closet and had gone through it together whereas in terms of White Eskimo, Harry was very much the third wheel. Louis felt a huge pang of sympathy for Harry all of a sudden.

 “We can talk about life now. If you like” Louis offered and Harry’s eyes looked positively lit up as Louis stamped out his cigarette.

“I- I don’t even know if you’re single.” Harry admitted. “You’re not keeping me on the side are you? I didn’t get you in trouble for kissing you?”

Louis shook his head with a chuckle but inside his heart sighed. “No, I’ve been single for a good four months now.”

 “I’ve never really had a proper boyfriend.” Harry admitted with a blush. “I only really came out to myself properly in 2010 but couldn’t ever be out so I found it difficult to go and meet people.”

 “I understand that.” Harry had been just coming to terms with himself and his sexuality and was then being told consistently to hide it and pretend it wasn’t there at the tender age of sixteen – it was sickening. “But you’ve been with men as a casual thing? One night hook ups?” Louis was desperately trying to gauge how experienced Harry was and Harry came back with a surprise.

 “I used to sleep with Nick.” Harry admitted. “My Mum found out and wasn’t too pleased because I was like seventeen and he was twenty-seven but I had nothing else and I was just desperate for a man’s touch. We stopped two years ago and it was only ever casual but it’s the closest thing to a relationship I’ve ever had.” Harry spoke confidently about this casual affair with a man ten years his senior which surprised Louis and especially when it was Nick. Louis knew they were close but had never liked to think of the two together like that, he wasn’t really sure what to think about it.

 Louis laughed nervously. “I’ve had plenty of relationships.”

“Am I allowed to hear about them?” Harry tried and Louis nodded for he saw no reason why Harry shouldn’t know.

 “Well I dated Hannah at school, she was like my first proper girlfriend but we broke up when The Rogues took off in my first year at university. I met Aiden at university and we were together for like six months but we just drifted apart with work and stuff. Then I dated Alex for six months and Jones made that really fucking hard so we had to end it really and then... well most recently I was with Adeline and we were together for eighteen months but-,”

Harry interrupted, horror on his face. “Adeline? The comedian and actress? Adeline Compton, I heard she was dating a boyband member but... shit.”

Louis nodded sadly and Harry’s hand came to Louis’ slender wrist, his eyes wide and sorrowful.

“I’m so sorry.”

 “It’s not your fault.” Louis shrugged. “But yeah... she died and I’ve been single for the past four months.”

 “But-,” Harry’s eyebrows furrowed. “She died in November which... that’s when you released your last album?” Louis nodded and saw Harry’s brain join up the dots. His eyes turned from sorry to angry. “Did you get any time off? Were you even allowed to mention it? Why was the relationship not public? Surely you were allowed to be public with a straight relationship!”

 “Adeline was black and Jones is a racist prick.” Louis spat bitterly. “And I got one fucking day off for the funeral and no, I had to keep radio silence and pretend that I was totally over the moon because the album was out but in reality I felt like just curling up in bed every day and crying.”  Louis felt the arm around him before he’d even acknowledged what he’d said to Harry in an angry spurt.

 “I didn’t know Louis, I’m sorry for bringing it up.”

“Don’t be.” Louis laughed hollowly. “When I’m free I’m going to fucking take Jones down.” Louis realised how dark he sounded and felt his cheeks heat up – was he scaring Harry? “Do you mind if I have a fag now?” Louis checked. “I need something.” He wasn’t addicted cigarettes and had never been but he wasn’t lying when he said he needed one.

 “No, not at all.” Harry shook his head and gestured to the private terrace. “Go ahead.”

Louis found a half empty packet of cigarettes and a lighter in his bag and after a moment’s deliberation offered the packet to Harry, unsure if he smoked. “Do you want one?”

Harry considered it before nodding. “Yes please.”

Louis hated the smell of cigarettes. He hated the way it clung to his clothes and made him feel guilty when he lit up but it took the edge away just briefly when he needed it and was a bad habit he needed to stop.

 They made their way out to the terrace together and both lit their cigarettes, drawing the smoke in like it was a life line. Louis blew the smoke into the open air after a few moments of silence and turned to Harry.

 “I’m so sorry about earlier.” Harry blew his own smoke out and smiled at Louis.

“Stop apologising Lou. I dunno if you saw but management tweeted from my twitter ‘Apparently you can’t say tits on the radio’ about an hour ago and a few people have bought it.”

 “Are you in big trouble though?”

“Not really.” Harry shook his head. “I was under the impression the phone call was a private conversation so wasn’t expected to lie in that sense. McGee reckons having to propose to Kendall on the Brits red carpet is punishment enough and that’s from my ‘antics’ on Sunday.”

 Louis choked on his smoke and Harry had to clap his back until he could breathe again. “You have to propose to Kendall?” He asked and Harry nodded with a bitter smile.

 “On the Brits red carpet.” Harry sighed. “It will look forced and no one will believe the bullshit any more than they believe that Perrie and Zayn are getting married but... I still have a job.”

 “I’m sorry Haz.” Louis apologised.

“No, it’s not your fault I was the shit yesterday.”  Harry shrugged. “Stop blaming yourself.”

 “But this is because we decided to fuck shit up together.” Louis reminded Harry. “Before that kiss we were both in minimal trouble and now I have to pretend to have a fucking baby and you’re having to propose to Kendall in front of everyone.”

 “Oh shut up.” Harry muttered and pulled Louis in for a kiss, his mouth full of smoke and his hand in Louis’ hair. Yet again, Louis let himself go lax in Harry’s grip and tilted his head up hungrily for Harry’s kiss. The cigarettes dropped from their hands not even half gone but that didn’t matter because Harry was pushing Louis up against the balcony railing and pushing their bodies closer together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was that? I hate writing dialogue with a passion so maybe it wasn't the greatest idea to write a scene that takes place on the radio HOWEVER I am quite proud of the call and delete and chuckled quite a lot while writing it. I hope you love it as much as I loved writing it :D  
> Please leave kudos and comments because I absolutely love feedback. If you instead want to come and speak to me on tumblr then you can @written-with-no-end.  
> Remember so share and subscribe if you enjoyed it and if you're looking for something else to read then you can check out my other WIP "If We Were Birds..."


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the Brit Awards!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope this is worth the wait, here is a 15.6k chapter (I don't know how this happened but this chapter ended up on steroids).  
> If you don’t know Look After You by The Fray or even haven’t listened to Louis’ cover of it then I suggest you listen to that (and don’t worry, you’re allowed to cry a little).  
> Other than that, enjoy :)

After the kiss, Louis and Harry had stumbled back into the living room and spread out on Harry’s sofa, entwined and kissing each other even more. Louis’ trousers had ended up on the floor and Harry’s boxers found themselves wedged underneath a cushion and when the two were done, Harry’s hair and Louis’ bottom lip were both ruined.

 But then Louis ruined it: he had mumbled good bye and left. He pushed Harry’s arm from around his waist and hunted down his clothes. He tried to ignore Harry’s confused frown as he collected his phone from the coffee table and he wished his voice not to crack as he bade Harry a brief good bye, not even looking to see Harry’s face.

 It should have been easy. Louis should have mumbled “I suppose you don’t just want me to fuck shit up with you then” and Harry should have smiled back and kissed Louis more; everything would have made sense. But Louis couldn’t stand to hear the alternative. He couldn’t stand to see Harry look at Louis in surprise and tell him that in fact no, Harry did just want Louis so they could fuck shit up together and in fact the sex had been part of the plan. Louis didn’t want to be let down by Harry so recently after he’d lost Adeline and he didn’t want to assume anything when this was only the second time he’d ever met Harry in person. It was easier just to leave.

 Maybe Harry did get the same heated feeling when they touched and maybe he did get the same butterflies when he received a text off of Louis, but what if Louis was wrong? Louis needed to prepare himself for the let down and prepare himself for the knowledge that he was just another notch in Harry’s bed bedpost (or sofa). He would ask Harry – there was no doubt about that – but he needed time and mental preparation before he did so.

 When Louis got home Olly was still there. Finn had returned from James’ and Will and Heidi were also sat, curled up on the sofa together. Louis didn’t remember why they were all getting together tonight but all four of them must have noticed something was wrong with him as he shrugged off his jacket and mumbled a “hi.”

 “You alright Lou?” Heidi asked first, sitting up on the sofa to get a better look at him.

“Shit, what did Harry do to you?” Olly frowned, also trying to see Louis’ face more easily.

 There was no point in explaining his appearance and his confused and frustrating feelings so Louis simply shook his head. “It doesn’t matter” he lied. No one believed him and Louis hadn’t expected as much but it was a way of telling them he wasn’t prepared to talk about it.

“Did you argue?” Finn asked as Louis sat down on the sofa next to him, slightly tenderly.

 “No.” Louis replied shortly. “Can we not talk about it please?”

They reluctantly let the subject go but Olly didn’t look away from Louis, concern in his eyes. Will, forever the leader, turned the conversation to the up and coming Brit Awards.

 “So what are we performing on Wednesday then?”

It would make sense for the band to perform a track they had rehearsed plenty so Louis suggested just that. “No Control. Everyone loves it and we know it well, it’s a favourite.”

 “Yes but we are performing two songs this time.” Will revealed and Louis sat up, confused.

“What?”

 “Jones rang me this morning and told me we have to perform two; quite a few artists have been given the opportunity to do two this year and I think we should perform Look After You as a second song.”

 Olly and Finn nodded in agreement, Heidi mentioned how she loved the song but Louis wasn’t sure. They’d never performed Look After You together as a band before and although it was planned to be their next single Louis wasn’t sure whether anyone would like it. It wasn’t the band’s song either, it was Louis’. The song consisted of Louis sat at a piano and singing while Finn played a gentle beat throughout and Will and Olly came in at the very end.

 The song wasn’t hard to play. Louis had written the piano part himself and come up with the lyrics at the same time all on one night but there was a personal connection with the song that had made him strongly opposed to releasing it as a single.

 This was Adeline’s song. This song was dedicated to Ada as it had been written the night she had told Louis that the doctors didn’t think she’d make it until Christmas. Louis was due to fly to LA the next morning and there was no way of getting out of it so he’d sat at the piano, Adeline by his side and written out his feelings into the most personal and heartfelt song Louis had ever composed.

 It had taken Louis four nights to record the vocals because he couldn’t do it without breaking down and when the album had been released just a week after Adeline had died and everyone had heard _her_ song it had almost broken Louis. It never should have been for the public to hear, it should have remained the song that played at Adeline’s funeral and the song Louis cried to when he felt lonely and sad.

 “I don’t think I can do it.” Louis told his band. “I- no.”

“Are you sure?” Finn asked, looking unsure about Louis’ decision. “I think it’d be a real statement. Everyone’s used to us doing upbeat songs about sex like Alive, No Control and Little Black Dress. If we perform Look After You then people might realise not all of our songs are about sex and ‘getting some’.” Louis could see where Finn was coming from and it made sense, it made perfect sense for the band to perform two of their most different songs. If they started with Look After You and got everyone’s attention with the tender ballad but then reminded everyone that they were The Rogues and their signature style was songs about sex and getting girls then people were more likely to talk about them.

 “Oh my god, did you hear Look After You? It was so different; I might listen to more of their stuff.” That would be what people would say and the single would do well and Jones would be happy. But then again, there was the chance that Louis would break down in tears on stage and people would link it to Louis’ break up Eleanor which would go public tomorrow. People might think Louis was mentally ill (that was something he thought himself on a regular basis) and people might doubt his ability to cope with fame, money and pressure.

 Louis could dedicate the song to Adeline on stage couldn’t he? Jones could tell him not to say “this is for Adeline” but Louis could anyway. Maybe everyone knowing that it was for her would make it easier. The performance was filmed live and Jones couldn’t do anything during the award show because The Rogues were up for the big award at the end. If Jones pissed them off they could throw shade live on TV and ruin everything he’d worked for and he’d never taken that chance yet.

 “Are you sure you can’t do it Louis?” Heidi asked softly. “We all know it’s Ada’s song but she’d want you to play it for everyone. She loved it and played it to everyone she met in the hospice, you told me that yourself. She wouldn’t want her song to go unheard.”

 Heidi was right: Adeline wouldn’t have wanted her song to sit, un-played and unheard in the depths of Louis’ phone, it had been written to tell a story. Adeline had lived for The Rogues’ concerts and had been in the VIP box singing her heart out to every single concert she’d attended. She’d want this, of course she would.  

 “What if I break down?” Louis asked then. “What if I cry on stage or mess up the piano.”

Olly just smiled. “Cry your eyes out. Jones can’t stop you and it will get people talking. People know it was played at Ada’s funeral and some people would make the link between that and you getting emotional while performing it.”

 Louis was still unsure. “Can I think about it?” He asked them, not wanting to say a definite yes or no without drawn out consideration. He wanted people to hear the song and that it was Adeline’s but at the same time, and for the first time ever, Louis found himself not wanting people to know about Ada. Adeline wasn’t the media’s business and no one would ever know truly what the two of them had had. People would make assumptions and people would spread every story but the real one – Louis’ memories of Adeline would become distorted by what everyone else would say about them.

 But this was what Louis wanted: he wanted to be free. The only reason no one had known about Adeline was because of the colour of her skin and this would be a big thing. Sure, Olly was in The Rogues and he was half Pakistani but he had a British name thanks to his father’s surname and his mother’s fear of him being bullied. He wasn’t allowed to practice his own faith because of the public’s fear of his religion and Louis wanted to prove a point. The black community in the Western world were a minority that was unfairly treated because of some pigmentation. Louis could bring attention to the injustice of everything by showing people that he had loved a black woman and had had to hide a part of his life because of it.

 The conversation had moved on to the alternative songs The Rogues could perform and it was decided that if Louis didn’t want to do Look After You – and the decision was completely in his hands – then they would perform Alive instead.

 “A rehearsal room is booked from nine until three.” Olly updated Louis. “And then we can rehearse on the actual Brits stage from half three until half four. We haven’t played No Control in a while but it won’t take long to warm back up to it, it’s the second song we’ll need to practise. Alive we haven’t played since we were promoting the album and Look After You is completely new to us.”

 “I don’t think we should have the bass and guitar at the end of Look After You if we do play it.” Will decided. “If it’s just Louis on piano with Finn drumming gently then it’ll be more emotional, more shocking that it’s from us. I don’t think it should be a band thing, I think it should just be a Louis thing.”

 “It’ll need less rehearsal if it’s just the two of us.” Louis reminded them and the others reasoned with it.

“Lou, as long as we know by first thing tomorrow it’ll be fine. We’ll need a violist and cellist if we do play it but we’ll find one quickly, don’t worry about that” Will shrugged. “Have you packed for Thursday yet?”

 What?

“Thursday?” The day rung bells in Louis’ head but only with the connection of the morning after the Brits and famously a day of no production from anyone in the music industry ever. It was a day dedicated to cleaning up the mess of the Brits and to take back everything you’d drunkenly said to the press after winning an award or two. “Why do I need to pack for Thursday?”

 “We’re going to LA mate.” Will reminded Louis before his eyes widened in shock. “Did you forget? We’re going to LA to promote the tour. We’re going on Ellen and James’ new show and shit like that. Louis, you forgot?”

  _Shit, shit, shit._ How could Louis forget about that?

 “Crap, we’re going for a week aren’t we?” Louis stood up quickly but was unsure what to do.

 If he went to LA he wouldn’t see Harry face to face alone for another week. He wanted to talk to Harry, he desperately did but a week was a long time. He would see Harry at the Brits of course but there were cameras and gossiping eyes everywhere, nothing would be private at the Brits or at any of the after parties they blagged their ways into.

 Harry was ‘proposing’ to Kendall at the Brits so Louis may not even get a chance to speak to him alone then, Kendall would be on his arm all night.

“What’s the matter Lou?” Olly frowned. “Had you made plans?”

 “Um-,” How did Louis answer that. He had no concrete plans for the upcoming week because he knew he’d be working but he’d forgotten he’d be in a different country entirely. “Not really but I- I need to- I just need to pack really.” He sighed and sat back down.

 “Are you feeling okay?” Heidi asked gently, a concerned tone to her voice. “Is it because we bought Ada up?”

 “No.” Louis shook his head. “I just need to sleep and sort my head out.”

“Go and sleep then.” Finn told Louis firmly. “You don’t want to be ill for the Brits, it’s the biggest night of the year for us. Go and rest and I’ll make you soup and we’ll sort stuff out tomorrow.”

 Louis didn’t want to do what Finn said. He didn’t want to be treated like some baby but there were four pairs of eyes on him, challenging him to disagree with them so he nodded and stood up, heading for his bedroom. Louis’ suitcase was underneath his bed and he needed to pack it; Louis needed to ask Finn if he’d asked the couple next door to collect their post and to water their plants; Louis needed to talk to Harry; Louis needed to make a decision about which song to perform tomorrow; Louis needed to sleep.

 Louis started with his suitcase. Finn had told him to sleep but Louis wouldn’t be able to until he knew he’d done what he needed to. Louis pulled the suitcase out and took a moment to clear his mind of everything but what he needed to pack.

 Underwear. Louis found a couple of pairs of his Marvel boxers he’d gotten for Christmas and packed those. He also had a collection of funky socks that Lottie had sent him for his birthday and chucked them into the suitcase too. That was one thing down.

 Trousers. Louis grabbed three pairs of identical black skinny jeans and a pair of denim shorts in case it was too hot in LA. If Louis didn’t have the clothes he needed, he could buy some more or at least send someone else like Kerri to and get them. Kerri was the band’s PA and had been on holiday for a fortnight but she would be back with them for tomorrow, Louis at least remembered that much.

 Tops. LA was usually hot so he packed some vest tops and t-shirts but for good measure he grabbed two hoodies and a jumper as well.

 Shoes. Louis would wear a pair of Vans on the plane out there but he packed two pairs of Adidas trainers as well. If he got given Adidas clothes for free he might as well make use of them.

 Wash kit. Louis dug out a spare tooth brush and tube of toothpaste from his bathroom’s cupboard and gathered up the other necessities blindly, hoping he got at least some right.

Before Louis could consider anything else he’d need to take, someone was knocking at his door and Olly came in with a big bowl of soup and some bread.

 “You don’t look well Lou.” Olly told him gently. “What happened at Harry’s?”

“We kissed.” Louis shrugged. Olly’s eyes widened in surprise and that wasn’t even the half of it. Louis had never told Olly about the private kiss the first time but thinking back now Louis felt hollow inside. The kiss then had left him high on endorphins and like a young and flustered teenage boy again, now he had no idea where he stood and was quite frankly scared it was all one sided.

“We kissed but I didn’t talk to him after and instead just walked out.” Louis continued and Olly shook his head sadly and handed over the bowl of soup for Louis to have.

 “That’s not everything is it?” Olly asked and Louis shrugged again. He knew exactly why he felt uneasy but Olly didn’t need to know.

 “I went to his, apologised for the prank call, we laughed at Dan Wootton’s article about us, I told him about Aiden, Alex and Ada, he told me about him and Nick and what Cara had said about me, we talked about being closeted, then went out for a smoke and kissed.” That was it. That was all Olly was getting.

 “Then why are you so stressed about LA?” Olly asked and Louis sighed.

“I just forgot and got worked up about it. That’s all Ol.”

Olly knew damn well that that wasn’t all that Louis was worked up about but Louis wasn’t changing his answer. He would sort this mess out on his own and it would be fine.

 

~

 

“I’m going to do Look After You.”

Kerri, Heidi, Olly, Finn, James and Will all looked at Louis in his surprise as he told them his plan at nine o’clock the next morning.

 “We didn’t think you’d say yes.” Olly admitted. “Well done mate.”

“I might cry,” Louis carried on, “and I might mess up the piano seeing as I haven’t played it for over a month but I want to do it. Ada would have wanted it and I need to get over her death and I think this will help.”

 “We’re proud of you Tommo.” Finn offered helpfully and patted Louis’ back. “You and me going solo at the Brits right?”

Louis nodded and managed a smile. This morning Harry had texted him.

_I don’t want this to get awkward. McGee let slip you guys are rehearsing at the O2 just before us, can you stay so we can talk? Our rehearsals are going to be photographed because Kendall’s going to be there and you lurking in the background of the shot will also be perfect. Get Olly to stay with you or something so you’re not the only one in trouble but I think it’d be funny. We need to talk as well but we can fuck stuff up at the same time right?_

Louis hadn’t known what to say in return so had sent the reply:

_Okay_

The band rehearsed No Control first because they knew it and it woke them up. Louis could play along to No Control in his sleep but still loved the song and was sad when they’d finished rehearsing it- but maybe that was because Will and Finn were wheeling a piano into the centre of the room. Olly perched on top of it while Louis sat down and warmed up his fingers.

 “When you play it vibrates my arse.” Olly told Louis while he played a few scales and Kerri just shook her head from the corner. She was sorting through e-mails, making phone calls and probably wondering what she had done in a past life that had meant she’d been punished with being in charge of The Rogues in this one.

  Kerri was thirty-two, had a three-year-old daughter called Amy and had been with The Rogues from day one. She had dead straight ginger hair and thick glasses for her bad eyesight. When The Rogues had first been spotted she’d been working with another band called Union J however Jones had seen more promise in The Rogues and moved Kerri to their band instead.

 “We need a violin and cello.” Will told her. “We have sheet music for them, maybe you could contact the two who played it on the recorded version.” It was a bit of an ask for Kerri to find two musicians ready to play for tomorrow but Louis watched Kerri nod, push her glasses up her nose and pull out her phone, searching for phone numbers.

 Louis had warmed up his vocals already and his fingers could only play so many scales so he nodded at Finn who was sat ready at his drum kit and began to play Look After You.

 His fingers slipped a couple of times and the vocals were shaky as he reminded himself of the melody but he could do it. Finn played along softly, softer than the drums were in the album version and Louis felt like that it sounded better – more emotional.

 He managed to keep all of his emotions at bay until he got to the final bridge. Adeline had been sat by his side when he’d written this part of the song, head on his shoulder and hand on his thigh while she sipped tea, watching while he pencilled down the lyrics and chords.

_It’s always have and never hold_   
_You’ve begun to feel like home_   
_What’s mine is yours to leave or take_   
_What’s mine is yours to make your own_

Louis’ fingers lost their place on the keys and he shook his head, putting it into his palms and letting his body sob. He was disappointed in himself for letting this song get to him, he was disappointed in himself for still being this hung up over Adeline and he was disappointed in himself because he’d let the band down.

 It was Will who came to him first. Will put an arm around Louis’ shoulders and held Louis while he shook.

 “It’s alright Tommo.” He mumbled, resting his chin on Louis’ bowed head. “We knew you wouldn’t find it easy.”

 “You can still change your mind.” Finn offered, somewhere on the other side of the piano. “We all understand.”

 Louis shook his head. “No.” He sat up and wiped his eyes. “I can do this. I need to. We’re going to be doing it on tour so I might as well start now.”

 “Do you want a break?” Finn offered but Louis shook his head.

 “No, I can do it. I just- can you leave me alone for ten minutes. Let me keep playing it until it’s out of my system.” Louis pleaded and so the boys did. Olly mumbled something about getting coffee and the three of them cleared out of the room. Kerri had stayed, still engrossed in her laptop but when she looked up and realised she was in the room alone with Louis she blushed and got up to leave.

 “No-,” Louis muttered. “You can stay.”

“Oh- okay.” Kerri set her laptop down again on the table but instead of sitting back down she came over to the piano, leaning against it. “You could talk to me you realise.”

 Louis wished Kerri hadn’t bought it up. There was a good reason Louis hadn’t spoken about Ada’s death with Kerri and it was because he felt ashamed.

 Kerri was like Louis. Kerri had lost her husband when Amy had been six months old and instead of becoming a complete wreck she’d stayed strong and insisted on getting straight back to work when could have taken the time off she’d been offered. It was embarrassing that Kerri who had been married and had had a child with her husband could get over it and stay strong when Louis still, four months on, crumbled when he sang a certain song.

 Louis couldn’t do anything but shrug at Kerri’s questioning look. “I’d feel bad about asking.” Louis told her.

 “Asking about Richard?” Kerri clarified, Richard had been her husband. “Why?”

“Because I still feel shitty when people ask about Adeline.”

 “Talking helps.” Kerri reminded Louis. “It’s better than letting it sit on your chest for months.”

“What am I meant to talk about though?” Louis asked. “No one is going to listen to me droning on about how much I miss her.”

 “Okay, you have a point there.” Kerri admitted. “But I never even knew Adeline’s favourite colour.”

“She refused to pick one.” Louis revealed. “She felt bad for all of the others.” Kerri chuckled her infectious laugh at this and a sorry smile crept onto Louis’ face. “She had a favourite mug though.” He added. “It has C-3PO from Star Wars holding a cup of tea on one side of it and on the other it says ‘These aren’t the drinks you’re looking for’.”

 Louis and Adeline had spent one of their rare weekends off together watching the entire Star Wars series. Adeline lived and breathed the series and had insisted that Louis watched it with her when he had thought Star Wars was about ‘Spock with a fancy neon sword thing’.

 The two of them had spent a day curled under a blanket up on Adeline’s sofa in her studio flat south of the river Thames and watched all six episodes in the order of their release. The next day Louis had insisted on re-watching them so everything made more sense – he’d been easily bought by the merchandise. Louis realised now with a pang that Adeline would never get to see Episode VII and sighed sadly – that dark cloud would hang over him no matter how good the film was.

 “You’re allowed to be upset, you know.” Kerri told Louis out of nowhere. “I still cry.”

Louis looked up at Kerri and frowned – surely not. “You still cry?”

 Kerri nodded before looking surprised that Louis had presumed she didn’t. “Of course I do Lou. I cried when Amy took her first step and her Dad wasn’t there to see it, I’ll cry on her first day of school because her Dad isn’t there to wish her good luck and I’ll cry when she flees the nest because Richard should be stood there next to me as I wave her off.” Louis still couldn’t imagine Kerri crying but it was a nice reminder that she was human, that someone in this industry had a heart and emotions.

 “If you need to cry Tommo, just do it.” Kerri told him. “It’ll get whatever the fuck is clogging you up out of your system and you’ll feel better, trust me.”

 “Okay.” Louis nodded. “Thanks.” Kerri offered Louis a hug and he took it gratefully. “I should probably practice now.” Louis muttered when Kerri let go of him and Kerri nodded.

 “I need to find a cellist still so yeah, back to work.”

By the time The Rogues were in the car on the way to the O2 for the sound check and full rehearsal, Louis could make it through Look After You without crying. He managed to do it twice on the piano at the centre of the O2 before The Rogues ran through No Control twice and at the end of their second run through they were met with a round of applause, whooping and even a wolf whistle.

 Confused, all four of them turned to the side of the stage to see who was applauding – most of the staff had already heard countless other acts perform and The Rogues weren’t special – and were met with Niall Horan, Liam Payne, Zayn Malik and Harry Styles stood watching them; White Eskimo had arrived.

 Olly played up to their applause, taking an extravagant bow and blowing kisses to them while Niall cackled and then shook Olly’s hand.

 “Hi, I’m Niall.” Niall introduced himself, struggling to keep a straight face. Louis frowned at the weirdly formal introduction before remembering that actually, this was the first time the two bands had ever met altogether. Louis had met White Eskimo at the concert, Will and Liam had written together a few times before and Olly and Niall had partied together a few times before. This was a pretty big moment in The Rogues and White Eskimo's history, Louis could just imagine their fandoms exploding.

 “Olly Smith.” Olly replied, moving to now shake Liam’s hand. It was strangely formal and said with a tongue in everyone’s cheek but it was a serious moment.

 Louis couldn’t help but step forward and shake Harry’s hand. “Hi, I’m Louis. We’ve met once or twice before but I’m not sure if you’d remember me.”

 “I think I do.” Harry nodded. “I’m Harry Styles, I kiss boys in front of cameras and am very good at not doing what I’m supposed to.”

 

~

 

 “So um...” Harry paused to piece his words together. “We kissed again and had sex.”

“We did.” Louis nodded, not meeting Harry’s eyes. “And then I walked out like you were a casual hook up.”

 “You did.” Harry nodded and the two fell into an awkward silence.

 On the stage behind them there was the sound of the crew members putting up a piece of staging and in front of them a few crew members were putting names at places on the many tables. Niall, Zayn and Liam were talking quietly somewhere behind them, waiting for the stage to be ready to perform on.

“I-,” “Are-,” The two glanced at each other and blushed, looking away like two ten year olds would from across a class room. Harry sighed audibly.

 “We can’t do this here.”

“Do what here?” Louis questioned, not sure of what the answer was.

 “Talk.” Harry sighed. “About us and...” He shrugged. “It’s the Brit Awards tomorrow. Do you want to fuck shit up with me?”

 This was what they were back to.

“Yeah, sure.” Louis nodded. “Anything in particular?”

 

~

 

Louis was buzzing. He would have to address the rumours that he had broken up with Eleanor, he’d have to be on his best behaviour, he’d even have to watch Harry kneel down and ask Kendall to marry him BUT Simon Jones hadn’t outright forbidden The Rogues from interacting with White Eskimo and even more importantly, he hadn’t mentioned anything to Louis about the Call and Delete or about avoiding Harry and crushing rumours today. There was still a voice in the back of Louis’ head reminding him that he didn’t know what the fuck was really going on between Harry and himself and that what they had planned to be a talk had been nothing more than another simple “Do you want to fuck shit up with me?”

 The Brit Awards was always a bit of a shit show, especially for any musician trying to maintain a respectable reputation: someone would drink too much and swear; the performances were always slightly off with the audio and you always had to be cautious about bitchy acceptance speeches.

 For the fourth year running both of the bands were up for _Best British Band_ and for the first time Louis really wanted White Eskimo to win. If White Eskio won he could tweet them with congratulations and the camera might even cut to Louis’ proud face as they made their way to the stage. Louis didn’t doubt that Harry would do the same and feel the same swell of pride if The Rogues won but it would be nice if he could let Harry know he was there for him.

 White Eskimo were also up against The Rogues for _Mastercard Album of the Year_ for the first time ever. White Eskimo had never won it but had been nominated for it last year along with being nominated for _Best British Band_ that The Rogues had won. Louis was unsure whether either band had won the Global Success award but both had before, White Eskimo in 2013 and The Rogues last year in 2014.

 So Louis was buzzing. He had his hair in a casual fringe (that had been carefully styled) and was in a black, ‘speckled’ suit that he’d been paid to wear (if only he remembered the brand that had paid him – for once it wasn’t Adidas).

 To Louis’ left was Olly Smith stood proudly in a bottle green suit. His jet black hair was in a similar fringe to Louis’ only swept to the left instead. To Louis’ right was Will whose reddish, brown hair was a ‘modern pompadour’ according to their stylist, Adam.

 Adam was gay and Adam was allowed to be gay because Adam wasn't in a band. At the moment he had bright, flamboyant, pink hair,  thick rimmed, ‘hipster’ glasses and was stood beside Jones, Kerri and Heidi just out of sight of the cameras. Jones hadn’t been happy to let Adam come however there was an extra space on the table and no one could take it. Two men from their record label would meet them inside and the ten spaces on their table would be taken.

 Will was wearing a navy blue suit jacket with a lighter blue shirt beneath it in contrast to Louis and Olly’s white ones and next to Will stood Finn who was in all black. His blond hair was short at the sides and slightly longer on top, spiked up and in Louis’ honest opinion, he looked slightly like a footballer.

 When the photographers were done grabbing the red carpet photos of The Rogues they moved on, ready for the line-up of press.

 Yesterday the Sun had run a story about Louis’ break up with Eleanor so naturally that was what every journalist was shouting to them about.

 “Louis, why did you split with Eleanor?” “Louis, can we have an exclusive about the rumours of you having a new girlfriend?” “How do The Rogues feel about Louis and Eleanor’s split?” “Will Eleanor still be invited to your wedding, Will?”

 It made no sense. Eleanor wasn’t famous and had never been anything more than a girl that held Louis’ hand and liked his Instagram photos sometimes – only now everyone had an interest in her.

 Kerri led The Rogues to various cameras and microphones and luckily only picked ones who didn’t want to know every in and out of Louis and Eleanor’s ‘breakup’. The four boys answered questions on the tour, gave clues about their performances tonight and gave their predictions on who would win the various awards tonight.

 “So I have a question,” an interviewer smiled. “Once again it’s you and White Eskimo who are the favourites to win Best British Group – do you think you’re going to beat them again?”

 Louis couldn’t help but take charge of this question. “It’s been a great year for both bands. White Eskimo did a great tour that I was lucky enough to go and see and they’ve got a great album on the way by the sounds of it. They’ve got just a good a chance at winning as we do so I’m really excited to see who has won it.”

 “And if they do win is there going to be another famous middle finger up at them?” The interviewer had a cheeky grin on his face and Louis decided he liked him, he asked all of the right questions.

 “No.” Louis shook his head. “We’ve grown up since then and we’re friends with White Eskimo, we’ll be proud and be cheering for them because they deserve it.”

 “Now I know White Eskimo are on their way, I can see them just down the red carpet, do you think they’ll say the same if I ask them?”

 “I hope so.” Louis smiled and stole a glance down the red carpet to where White Eskimo were making their way to the BBC Radio One microphone. Kendall’s hand was in Harry’s and Louis could tell by Harry’s face that it was soon. The interviewer carried on asking Will about wedding plans and Louis carried on sneaking glances. Harry wasn’t talking much, he kept looking at Liam, Niall and Zayn to answer the questions and then he glanced the other way: straight to Louis.

 Harry looked scared. Harry looked fucking terrified and Louis saw him swallow, saw him plead for help as his hand went to his pocket.

 Louis couldn’t watch.

He looked back to the interviewer and stared straight at him. He could hear gasps from the other end of the red carpet and the interviewer stopped and faltered, his attention caught by whatever was going on. Louis didn’t turn. Finn, Olly and Will all did, all looking to Louis and Louis knew it was happening.

 As soon as he could he had left the red carpet and was trying to find The Rogues’ dressing room, leaving everyone behind and finding somewhere quiet and away from cameras. He didn’t make it that far.

 “Louis!” Louis stopped and turned to face Olly who had followed him down a random corridor of the O2. “It’s not like they’re actually going to get married.”

 “I know.” Louis snapped. “But it’s bullshit. It’s bullshit that he has to pretend to get engaged and I have to pretend to have a kid and all this time McGee and Jones are pl-,”

 “What?” Olly frowned and grabbed Louis’ flailing hand to stop him. “Say that again.”

“McGee and Jones are planning more bullshit just in case Harry and I might actually want to be in a relationship.”

 “No you dickhead.” Olly shook his head. “Before that: you have to pretend to have a kid?”

“Oh-,” Louis had thought that if he'd not verbalised it, not told anyone, then it wouldn't come true but now it was out there. He was terrified, absolutely petrified of what was going to happen with this imaginary kid and what people would think of him whatever story was sold. “Yeah." He choked. "Some girl in LA, I don’t even remember her name, I’m meeting her this week for the first time and in a few months a story is going to run that I got her pregnant on a one-night stand and... I don’t want to do it Ol.”

 “Oh my god Lou.” Olly pulled Louis in for a hug Louis hadn’t realised he needed. He had Olly. Olly was going to be there while some stranger wore a fake bump and Louis had to plaster on yet another fake smile because he was meant to be happy about having a kid. Olly, like Finn and Will, was there when Adeline passed away and Olly would be here while this kid bullshit went on.

 Louis wanted Harry. Louis wanted Harry to be there while he pretended to be helping bring a new life into the world because Louis was 100% going to be there through this shitty engagement but Louis needed to talk to Harry and the prospect of that in itself was terrifying Louis.

 “Ol, I am sick of this.” Louis told Olly’s shoulder in a sob. “I’m so fucking tired of being treated like some piece of shit.”

 “You don’t deserve it Lou.” Olly reassured him, patting his back. “We’ll fuck shit up tonight, you don’t need Harry for now, you’ve got Will, Finn and I to help you fuck stuff up.”

 “Thanks mate.” Louis murmured. “But like- maybe don’t tell Will and Finn about the baby stuff yet, I’ll tell them on the plane to LA.”

 “Don’t bottle everything up Louis.” Olly warned – he’d seen it all plenty of times before.

“I won’t.” Louis promised. Olly kissed his cheek and let Louis go.

 “Do you want to go and see where out tables are or are you still determined to get lost somewhere?”

“I’m not lost.” Louis muttered but he didn’t quite remember how he’d wound up in this corridor. He and Stan had come here when they’d seen White Eskimo, it had been one of the ones the security guard had led them down, but he had no idea where the main arena was from here.

 “Okay Tommo.” Olly smiled. “Whatever you say.”

The two wondered down various corridors for a few minutes, stumbling across Ed Sheeran who stopped to chat and accidently ran into a stressed looking Harry McGee who was shouting quite heartedly into his phone.

 “I TOLD YOU NOT TO SEAT THEM THERE.” He was telling some unfortunate soul. “I SAID _FAR FROM,_ NOT _NEXT TO_ –                 ARE YOU AN IMBOCILE?” Louis and Olly managed to sneak past without being noticed and suddenly found themselves in a doorway to the main arena that was buzzing with the music industry.

 Upon entering the floor of the arena, both Louis and Olly groaned. “Where the fuck are we sat?” Louis asked Olly who just looked around hopelessly.

 “I left the others to follow you.” Olly shrugged. “Do you want to get on my shoulders; you might catch a glimpse of Adam’s hair.”

 Louis laughed but declined the offer. “Perhaps we’ll be sat close to where we sat last time.” Louis suggested, trying to sound helpful. Olly simply shook his head.

 “Tommo, I don’t know if you remember but I at the last Brits, I ended up with my head in Will’s crotch singing nursery rhymes and I only found out that happened because there was video evidence. I don’t remember anything except the free booze.”

 “Surely someone will point us in the right direction.” Louis supposed but he saw no crew members what so ever. Deciding The Rogues were famous enough to be sat close to the centre of the arena, Louis and Olly made their way to the centre, chatting to everyone they recognised and asking everyone if they’d seen Will and Finn. Most people pointed to the left of the central stage and Olly and Louis found themselves slowly but surely in sight of Adam’s pink hair and Jones’ annoyed face.

 “What’s gotten up Jones’ arse now?” Louis asked however was pretty sure the answer was how he’d acted in the last interview The Rogues had done before they’d come inside.

 Jones didn’t say a word when Louis and Olly sat down in their designated seats. Will asked where they’d been to which they both replied ‘lost’, Finn poured them some water so that they didn’t get pissed too early in the evening and Heidi told them that it looked like the Brits organisers had really wanted some drama.

 “What do you mean drama?” Olly checked with Heidi. “More than usual?”

“Look who’s sat on the next table.” Heidi smiled and Olly and Louis turned to see some random men, probably producers or managers, on a table with Kendall Jenner and Sophia Smith. For the first time ever, The Rogues had been sat close to White Eskimo.

 “That’s why McGee was pissed.” Olly turned to Louis. “He must have asked for White Eskimo to be sat far from us and they got it wrong.”

 “He’s right to be annoyed.” Jones told Olly stiffly. “Harry and I decided mutually that it would be more beneficial to both sides if there was a respectable distance between the two bands tonight however I can see that had already been ignored by the organisers.”

 Louis was still gazing at Kendall sat on White Eskimos’ table. She was looking for someone across the room and glancing frequently at her phone, a diamond ring sat daintily on her finger. Kendall seemed to sense Louis watching because she glanced up at Louis and the two made eye contact.

 Louis blushed at being caught by Kendall however before he could look away and cringe alone, Kendall mouthed something to Louis across the gap: _I’m sorry._

Louis was taken aback. Deep down he knew that this wasn’t Kendall’s idea or choice. She didn’t want to pretend to be engaged to Harry any more than Harry wanted to place that ring on her finger; Kendall if anything was just like Louis and Harry. She was a pawn in someone else’s chess game and people were prepared to sacrifice her freedom to win. But to win what? Who were the two sides of this game? Louis’ analogy was a bit shit to be honest but then again, so was the entire situation.

 “But where are White Eskimo?” Olly checked with Kerri. “They were just behind us on the red carpet.”

“They’re opening the show.” Kerri replied and Louis noticed the program in her hand turned to a list to all of the nominees. She rolled her eyes and announced: “Taylor Swift managed to bag a performance, Kendall better watch her back because there will undoubtedly be a dig at Harry and Kendall’s engagement.”

 “Didn’t she do that last year?” Finn pointed out but Kerri shrugged and then a smile crept onto her face.

“She got a load of headlines, maybe you should start a full on fist fight with White Eskimo.”

 “Shut up, Jones will hear you.” Finn muttered; Jones was now conversing with McGee who’d returned and Louis wasn’t quite sure he wanted to know what they were planning now.

 “And when does the show start Kerri?” Louis asked her. As soon as the Brits started there was nothing McGee and Jones could do. Louis wasn’t sure whether Harry had planned anything reckless for his performance and Louis was struggling to think of anything for his own. He’d dedicate Look After You to Adeline, that was a given, but the rumours surrounding Harry and Louis had lost their scandalous spark and they needed to reignite it – at the moment everyone was focussed on the ring sat on Kendall’s finger.

 When the lights of the O2 dipped and the voice over women introduced White Eskimo, Louis cheered just as loudly as everyone else and stood up with Olly, ready to dance. He really hoped the cameras caught him enjoying their performance to the maximum.

  _“Counted all my mistakes and there’s only one, standing out from the list of the things I’ve done, all the rest of my crimes don’t come close, to the look on your face when I let you go.”_

Louis was transported back to the last time he’d been in the O2 with Harry singing _Where Do Broken Hearts Go_. That had been the night everything had started and so much had happened since then. He’d fucking had sex with the man on stage singing and owning the stage. Harry wasn’t playing the guitar this time and instead had a microphone in his hand so he could stroll up the cat walk to the centre of the O2 and closer to Louis.

 “ _Now I’m searching every lonely place”_ Harry sang to the crowd, looking from table to table while he did. _“Every corner, calling out your name.”_ He whipped around and was now looking at Louis’ side of the arena. “ _Trying to find you but I just don’t know, where do broken hearts go?”_ As he sang the final verse his eyes found Louis’. It was hard to tell with the lights flashing and the moment gone so quickly but Louis could have sworn Harry had winked at him.

 Before Louis could try and verify if Harry had or not with Olly however, Harry had begun to sing the next verse dancing incredibly sexually on his own in the middle of the arena.

 “ _Yeah the taste of your lips on the tip of my tongue is at the top of the list of the things I want, mind is running in circles with you and me, anyone in between is the enemy.”_ As Harry sang that line his finger rose and pointed quite clearly at Harry McGee, stood just a few feet behind Louis at the next table, and then Harry looked back to Louis. _“Shadows come with the pain that you’re running from, love was something you never heard enough, yeah it took me some time but I figured out, how to fix up a heart that I let down.”_ This time Louis sang along to the words back to Harry who smiled. As he sang the next chorus he strutted back up the catwalk in his golden boots. As he sang he rose his hand in the air and his shirt sleeve slipped to reveal two familiar looking rainbow bands on his arm. It was clear to see on the big screen that Harry was supporting Rainbow Rogues and Equality Eskimos and Louis couldn’t have felt prouder. _“Are you sleeping baby by yourself? Or are you giving it to someone else?”_ Harry lowered his arm and the wristbands were hidden.

  _“Tell me now, tell me now, tell me where you go when you feel afraid!”_ Harry sang out. “ _Tell me now, tell me will you ever love me again, love me again?”_ Harry had reached the main stage now and was singing straight to Niall, fondling his cheek as he did sing. _“Now I’m searching every lonely place, every corner calling out your name.”_ The entire arena was singing and on their feet by now. “ _C’mon baby come and let me out.”_ They weren’t the original words. It was the tiniest of lyric changes but the fans would notice. It was the subtlest and tiniest change Harry could have done and the likelihood was the McGee hadn’t even noticed. He had probably noticed Harry labelling him as the enemy and the rainbow bands on his arm but Harry had managed to get even more than that in. It was perfect.

 As the show started, the hype White Eskimo had created died down a little. As White Eskimo returned to their table, back in their suits Louis saw McGee say something to Harry. Harry pulled up his sleeves and showed McGee that his wrists were empty and McGee frowned. Then Louis saw Harry say something else along the lines of “Must have been a trick of the light”. Louis knew damn well that it hadn’t been.

 The acceptance speeches for the first few awards were always dull so Louis stopped paying attention to them. He had always much preferred watching who went to which tables to socialise with who. The newer artists could always be seen loitering closer to the tables belonging to the big labels, hoping one of the snooty rich bastards would recognise them however it had been a long time since The Rogues had been in that position. The band had been to enough award shows to know that loitering around those tables only made you look desperate and all of the real networking had to be done in the after parties when all of the important people were tipsy enough to say yes to anything.

 During the first ad-break Louis felt a pair of hands on his shoulders and turned to see Harry grinning down at him. Jones and McGee were watching closely but not saying anything – what could they say with Louis still due to perform and the likelihood of at least one of them still with an acceptance speech waiting.

 “Good performance Haz.” Louis smiled. “Here, squeeze onto my chair.” Harry did so and Louis noticed the rest of White Eskimo coming over as well. It was so different to the past few years: White Eskimo coming to sit and share seats with The Rogues just for a chat. Louis noticed that Kendall had stayed at White Eskimo’s table and that Cara had joined her; Kendall looked happier than Louis had seen her ever before.

 “How about a photo?” Heidi asked the boys, pulling out her phone. “We’ll put it on twitter, yeah?”

Before Jones or McGee could intercept, all of the boys had nodded and were posing for Heidi’s camera, Harry’s arm around Louis as they squeezed onto the small seat. It was the closest Harry and Louis had been since their time on the sofa together and Louis let his hand squeeze Harry’s thigh under the table. Harry turned and smiled softly to Louis as he did so, something in his eyes that Louis didn’t quite understand.

 “I have some 5 Seconds of Summer tickets.” Harry murmured to Louis. “I ran into Ashton backstage and he handed me two VIP tickets there and then. Do you want to come with me in two weeks?”

 “Oh-,” Louis smiled. “Yeah, if I can.”

“Great.” Harry smiled. “I look forward to it.”

 When the photo was taken White Eskimo were sent back to their own table by Jones. He didn’t tell Heidi to delete the photo off Will’s twitter and didn’t verbalise any annoyance when each and every member of White Eskimo and The Rogues retweeted it in the next two minutes. The next part of the show was slightly more interesting. Madonna fell of the stage, Ant and Dec accidentally tripped Simon Cowell over and came over to speak to The Rogues and White Eskimo.

“Wehey! Look who we’ve found Dec!” Ant smiled and same and stood by Louis’ chair. “It’s The Rogues!”

“Hey, and it’s White Eskimo.” Dec replied, standing by Harry’s chair. “Is it safe for you two to be sat this close to each other? We don’t want any blood now.”

 “There won’t be.” Harry promised.

Ant laughed and turned to Louis again. “And the next award is for Best British Band. Both of you are up for it, who do you reckon is going to win Louis?”

 “Um... to be honest I don’t know who is nominated.” Louis chuckled. “Maybe The Wanted?”

“I don’t think they’re here Louis.” Dec sighed. “What about you Harry? Who do you think are going to win?”

 “Um... Wham.” Harry decided. “I’m a big fan.”

“Of course you are.” Dec laughed, obviously making a reference to the gay rumours currently following Harry.

 "Wait, who sang Sweet Disposition? The Temper Trap, I am obsessed with them at the moment." Louis pondered but Dec just shook his head and moved on.

“Okay, well here to present the award for Best British Group is Nick Grimshaw and Rita Ora.”

 Everyone’s attention turned to the stage as Nick and Rita walked down the cat walk to where the podium had been erected with a Brit and a golden envelope stood proudly on it. The nominations for Best British Group played out through the arena, The Wanted and Wham both absent, and then Rita was opening the envelope. Louis’ heart was in his throat as he waited to hear the winner’s name. What if it was neither White Eskimo or The Rogues? What if Coldplay or Alt-J won?

 “And the winner is...” Rita read out, glancing at Nick as they both read the name, smiles etching onto their faces.

 “White Eskimo!” They shouted together and Louis rose to his feet in applause.

For the second time White Eskimo had done it and Louis couldn’t have felt prouder. He spied Kendall clapping politely at White Eskimo’s win but Harry didn’t turn to her and she didn’t shout a well done. That was Louis’ job.

“Well done Haz.” Louis smiled as Harry pulled him in for a tight hug on the way to the stage. He was so glad McGee and Jones had been ignored with the seating plan because Louis could see a magnified image of he and Harry hugging on the big screen that was broadcasting to the nation live. It felt like bliss as he patted Harry’s back and let go of him. “You guys deserve it!” Louis shouted as Harry walked away and Harry turned back with the biggest of smiles on his face that Louis had ever seen. He kept grinning and applauding as Olly whispered “You’ve got guts” in his ear and waited patiently for White Eskimo to say thank you.

 Liam spoke first, thanking the management, the team and their friends and families before handing the microphone to Harry.

 “I- I don’t really have much to add but it’s common knowledge that we have fought The Rogues for this award for four years in a running now and they deserved it just as much as we do. To my good friend Louis and the rest of The Rogues, this award is as much yours as it ours. To all of our fans out there, thank you for believing in and staying and supporting us as a band through everything we are put through. You are amazing and you make our dreams come true, thank you for this award.” There were cheers filling the arena and Louis’ heart was racing with pride as White Eskimo made their way back to the table but then Louis caught Jones’ eye from across the table and shrunk back into himself. Simon Jones looked positively seething and as Louis dared to glance across to Harry McGee he wished he could sink into the floor.

 Harry smiled at Louis again as he came back, but Louis couldn’t return it. Louis felt slightly disconnected for the next part of the Brits. He was vaguely aware of Taylor Swift pointing at Harry while she sang “Go down in flames” and couldn’t help but chuckle as she stumbled on the next line but something didn’t feel right. Harry had fucked shit up, Louis still had the chance to but he was scared. Not scared of the band being fired, he wasn’t really scared of that anymore but he was scared of Harry. Did Harry want to go and see 5 Seconds of Summer with him because there would be people taking photos or because he genuinely wanted to go and see 5 Seconds of Summer with Louis? Had Harry called Louis a friend on stage because he actually saw Louis as a friend or just because it would me more beneficial for him to pretend they were?

 Before too long Louis was being rushed to a dressing room so that he could get changed for The Rogues’ performance and then he was on the stage, waiting for the break to end.

 Louis looked down at the piano and breathed in deeply. He was sat in the centre of the O2 on the stage, alone. Finn would be drumming from the main stage where his kit was set up but Louis wished now that they’d had the piano on the main stage too so that he could at least see Finn and know that he wasn’t alone. All Louis could see from his seat was White Eskimo’s table before the lights went down and The Rogues were announced – the last thing in Louis brain was Harry’s careful eyes watching him. When the spotlight came down on Louis and the piano.

 “I’d like to dedicate this song to a late friend of mine called Adeline Compton.” Louis stuttered. “She loved this song and I wish she could have heard us perform it before she passed.”

 Louis had said what he needed to so pressed down the keys he needed to, playing the opening bars to the song.

 “ _If I don’t say this now, I will surely break, as I’m leaving the one I want to take.”_ Harry’s face was still in Louis’ mind and he tried to ignore the words and the fact this was live on television – it was just a meaningless song. “ _Forgive the urgency, but hurry up and wait, ‘cause my heart has started to separate.”_

 Louis sang the chorus with his eye closed, not caring what it looked like. If he opened them then tears would spill out and he didn’t want to do that, he couldn’t do that, not here and not now.

 The violin and cello came on and Louis opened his eyes again, letting a single tear roll down his cheek while he sang the next verse, eyes not daring to look anywhere but the piano keys.

 “ _There now steady love, so few come and don’t go, will you, won’t you be the one I’ll always know, when I’m losing my control the city spins around, you’re the only one who knows, you slow it down.”_

Images of Harry merged into Adeline and then back into Harry. The two danced around Louis while he tried to sing the next chorus. His voice cracked once but he didn’t let his fingers slip and instead remembered how his job was hanging on a line and that this could ruin it.

_“If ever there was any doubt, my love_ they _lean into me, this most assuredly counts,_ they _say most assuredly._ ” Louis couldn’t quite believe he’d done it but he had. An unplanned pronoun change in the song from _she_ to _they_. People wouldn’t realise unless they had the recorded version but most certainly Louis’ fans would and they would notice. It was the subtlest of things Louis could have done because it wasn’t just Adeline this song was for anymore, it was Harry.

 Louis needed him to know he loved him and wanted more than just fucking things up together. Louis felt more tears leak out of his eyes because the situation was shitty, because Harry was sat down there with a girl he didn’t love and whom didn’t love him back and yet she had an engagement ring on and because he didn’t know when he could tell Harry he felt this way or whether Harry felt the same.

  _“It’s always have and never hold, you’ve begun to feel like home.”_ Did Harry know this was for him? _“What’s mine is yours to leave or take, what’s mine is yours to make your own.”_ Louis looked up for the first time. The lights were down, a spotlight on him in the centre of the arena but he remembered where Harry was sat, where he had been watching from earnestly before the song had started. Louis looked there now, another tear leaking out as he sang, desperately hoping Harry at least understood this. “ _Be my baby, and I’ll look after you.”_

 Louis kept his voice strong through the last chorus and the spotlight turned out so that Louis was left sat alone in the dark. He had fifteen seconds maximum to get himself together so he remembered their choreography. He pulled off the black jumper he’d been wearing to reveal a _The Rogues_ t-shirt underneath and groped for his guitar under the piano, slinging the strap over his shoulder.

 In his ear he could hear Finn hitting his drum sticks together and knew he’d be shouting “One, two- one, two, three, four!” for the other’s benefit and they came in with the start of No Control riff, Louis playing his own guitar part that was ingrained into his brain. Fuck him crying on stage, fuck Adeline and fuck Harry – this was what he was used to, rocking out on stage with three of his best mates.

 The lights came up and Louis grinned, knowing that it was likely the cameras were trained on his face. He strode up the cat walk and met Will half way while Olly spoke into the microphone with an extended introduction.

 “Hello the O2! We’re The Rogues, you just heard Look After You and this... is... No Control!!!” There was one final riff while Louis ran to his microphone, letting go of his guitar and grabbing it to sing, finding Will’s eyes and making him laugh.

 “ _Stained coffee cup, just a finger print of lipsticks not enough”_ To play along, Will licked his lips and Louis knew Heidi would scold them both because Will was already spoken for. _“Sweet, where you lay, still a trace of innocence on your pillow case.”_ Louis’ hands found the neck of his guitar again and Will found his microphone to sing with Louis for the chorus.

  _“Waking up, beside you I’m a loaded gun, I can’t contain this anymore, I’m all yours I’ve got no control, no control.”_ Louis glanced across to his left and saw Olly playing his guitar expertly, Olly caught his eye and grinned, obviously proud Louis had made the transition to No Control more seamlessly than he ever had in rehearsals. _“Powerless and I don’t care, it’s obvious, I just can’t get enough of you, the pedals down, my eyes are closed no control, no control.”_

_“Taste, on my tongue, I don’t want to wash away the night before.”_ Louis grinded back against Olly as he sang this bit. “ _In the heat, where you lay, I could stay right here and burn in it all day!”_ He was going to make this performance as raunchy as he possibly could.

_“Lost my senses, I’m defenceless, your perfumes holding me ransom.”_ Louis changed another pronoun. “ _Sweet and sour, heart devour, lying here I count the hours!”_ Louis took a moment to catch his breath as Will picked up the chorus again.

 “ _Waking up, beside you I’m a loaded gun, I can’t contain this anymore, I’m all yours I’ve got no control, no control!”_ As the performance came to an end Louis felt a million miles away from where he had when he’d first sat at the piano. He was high on the buzz performing gave him and as The Rogues got changed back into smart suits and made their way back to their tables Louis forgot what Jones’ glare looked like.

 Cara was hovering around White Eskimo’s table again as The Rogues sat down and smiled when she saw Louis making his way towards her.

 “Hello Tommo.” She smiled, pulling Louis in to kiss his cheek. “Long time, no see.”

“Well you’ve been too busy hooking up with pretty girls.” Louis sighed – he wasn’t drunk yet, just buzzing with performance energy. He pulled Cara to follow him back to The Rogues’ table (because Jones wouldn’t dare say anything with Cara there) and without any prompt she sat down in Louis’ lap, shrugging at the lack of spare chairs.

 Cara stayed sat on Louis’ lap as the awards moved on. She hadn’t seen either Olly or Louis for over a year so had a lot to catch up with and Jones didn’t object to a girl sitting in Louis’ lap so Cara could stay for as long as she wanted to.

 Harry however did look like he objected. Louis caught him three times glancing darkly at Cara’s legs swung over Louis’ own. A fake relationship with Cara had never been arranged. Louis was meant to hint he fancied her on the radio and that was it, Louis had told Harry as much. This wasn’t Louis trying to look like he was dating Cara however, this was him catching up with an old friend. Did Harry not understand that?

 It was Olly who got the drunkest before the show was over. Louis had dared him right at the start to take a shot every time Louis correctly guessed who was going to win an award and it turned out Louis was a very good guesser. It had been arranged that Louis would take a shot every time he got one wrong as well but luckily there was only one shot of Vodka in his veins, Olly on the other hand was fucked.

 When Kerri reminded them that they did in fact still had a chance on going up onto stage and collecting an award they poured Olly a large glass of water and Will started fretting over what to say if they did win. The microphone always ended up at Will because he was the most trustworthy but on the other hand it also meant he spent the five minutes before the award was announced fretting that he’d forget to thank someone.

 “Oh, I forgot I’m presenting Best British Album.” Cara realised. “Shit, I should probably go and find someone who knows what’s going on.” She clambered off of Louis’ lap, kissing his cheek good bye and disappeared into the maze of tables.

 As the ad-break they’d been in came to a close, Louis felt his heart speed up once again. Mastercard Album of the Year was the big award and would mean a lot. Winning this award meant that your album got free promo, it’d undoubtedly spike in sales and your songs would be played on the radio without any question.

 “Do you reckon we’ve got a chance of winning it?” Louis asked Olly who was still the wrong side of tipsy and probably would be for the rest of the night.

 “I will still love you if we don’t win it.” Olly offered in return and Louis shook his head. There was not a chance in hell that Olly would be sober enough for the post award show interviews. Will and he were both still pretty much sober but Finn was on his third bottle of beer. It looked like Louis and Will would be taking the lead for the rest of the evening.

 Ant and Dec did their usual back and forth when the ad-break ended but no one was really listening anymore.

 “And now to present Mastercard Album of the album, can we welcome to the stage Cara Delevingne.”

Louis smiled as he saw Cara walk down the catwalk, it looked like she had found out where she needed to be. She said the obligatory “And the nominees are...” before the arena watched a short clip about each album and artist nominated.

 This was it. Louis liked to pretend that he didn’t care or that he wanted someone else to win the award but The Rogues had already lost one award tonight, they couldn’t for the first time ever go home empty handed could they? It would be embarrassing.

 The video finished and the cameras returned to Cara, trained on her face as she opened the golden envelope. “And the winner is...” She read it and smiled, drawing out the wait even more. “It’s The Rogues!”

 The arena erupted and Louis felt himself pulled sideways into a hug from Olly. The two stood up in each other’s arms before Louis turned away to hug Will, and then Finn, and then Heidi, and then Kerri and then Adam. They’d fucking done it. Louis shot a smile over at Harry who was clapping and looked proud of The Rogues’ win and Louis felt nothing but a rush of adrenaline as he and his boys made their way to the central stage to receive their award.

Cara was waiting as they reached the top of the steps and she pulled Louis in for a hug first, kissing his cheek again before doing it to the other three as well. As the cheers died down Will took the microphone and began his planned speech.

Will thanked their management, their fans, their friends, their family and their label, everyone he needed to but he still handed the microphone to Louis when he was done. Shit.

 “Um, there isn’t really much to add to Will’s speech.” Louis admitted, searching for something to say – his brain found something. “A few of you may have noticed that I cried earlier when performing Look After You. I wrote that song for a very close friend of mine called Adeline Compton and she passed away the same week the album we won this award for was released. I was very cut up over Ada’s death but she was with us when we were making this album and she loved it. She told us she’d buy twenty copies if she was still around. Sadly, she wasn’t but that song was for her and this award is.” Louis glanced across to Olly who was watching with a proud smile but then Louis looked to Finn and remembered something else he wanted to address. “There have been a lot of rumours flying around about who we are as a band and about who we are involved with.” Yes – Louis was going there. “As a band we are here for anyone who feels like they do not fit in and we don’t let rumours like that bother us because quite frankly it doesn’t matter who or what we are in terms of who we are rumoured to be with or for instance whether we are gay or not. The four of us are very different people and we are the best of friends and we, as a band, have always been here for and always will be here for anyone, and we mean anyone, who doesn’t feel like they belong. You do and you are normal. You are not a freak and you are not a disappointment to your family, you are a human being just like every other person on this Earth and even if you do not feel like you belong in your own home, you belong at our concerts, you belong in our fandom and you belong in our hearts.” A huge smile was splitting Finn’s face, for once Will didn’t seem to be worried about the consequences because he patted Louis on the back and Olly nodded in approval. “Thank you to everyone who helped get us this award, we appreciate it.” The O2 gave another round of applause to The Rogues as they left the stage and returned to their table.

The final performance of the night was from Beyoncé but Louis wasn’t too bothered about her. The show might be finished but the night was far from over.

 Beyoncé’s performance was flawless as usual and Louis clapped when it was finished along with everyone else but now it was press time again. Kerri led The Rogues to the press room when they were done and they posed with their award now, Olly’s hand tightly clutching Louis’ arm as he steadied himself.

 Then, when photos were done they were moved along to a press room where pretty much every outlet ever was waiting with microphones.

 Louis kept his legs sturdy as Olly leaned on him, whispering all sorts into Louis’ ear and Will and Louis plastered smiles on their faces as they took on the bulk of the questions. There was the standard, boring “Did you expect to win” and “Were there any wins that surprised you?” but Louis knew they were all itching for one brave soul to break the ice about what was going on with Louis and Harry.

 “So Louis, I heard Harry thank you in his speech. Is it true you two hate each other.”

“Pfft, no.” Louis laughed. “Those so called journalists had nothing else to write about.”

 “And what do you think about him proposing to Kendall on the red carpet? Will you be there at the wedding.” Another one asked immediately.

 Louis couldn’t help the words that spilled out of his mouth. “I’m not a massive fan of Kendall and Harry’s relationship and I don’t believe it is good for either of them. As for the wedding- if they get that far, then yeah, I will attend.”

 Somewhere to Louis’ left, Will gasped and on his right, Olly snickered and muttered a “You’re fucked” into his ear. There was a brief silence while every single person in the room checked that their machine had recorded that before another spoke up.

 “So you’re not a fan of Harry and Kendall’s relationship?” Louis shook his head, a charming smile on his lips.

 “I heard a rumour going around that you split from your girlfriend – is that why you were crying earlier?”

 “No.” Louis shook his head. “I’m over the break up, I just got very emotional over the song because it bought back a lot of memories.”

 “How close were you and Adeline? We never saw your friendship on social media.” Before Louis could get himself into any more trouble, Will answered for him.

 “She was a close friend of the band so it hit us all quite hard. Obviously Tommo was under a lot of pressure with it just being him alone on the piano in the centre of a packed O2 and he is the main writer of that song so it is obviously very close to his heart.”

 Will’s answer seemed to have bored all of the reporters of that topic and someone now turned to Finn asking whether it was true he’d gotten ready for the Brits with Jesy Nelson. Louis had no idea where the question had come from seeing as he had spent all morning with Finn packing the final things for LA while James sat on the sofa with a running commentary on everything from Taylor Swift’s latest tweet to the exact population of the Earth (7.125 billion people). Louis wasn’t really paying any attention to the interview anymore however because White Eskimo had wondered into the doorway, obviously due next in the press room. Louis’ eyes instantly found Harry’s.

 They still hadn’t spoken properly since they’d had sex and since then a lot had happened: Harry had ‘proposed’ to Kendall, Louis and he had hugged live on TV, Harry had mentioned Louis in his speech, he’d invited Louis to 5 Seconds of Summer with him, Louis had cried on stage, had spoken out for all of the minorities in their acceptance speech and had told the world he didn’t think Harry and Kendall were good for each other.

 Harry’s face offered a warm smile with eyes full of life – a sharp contrast to his limp hand held in Kendall’s slender fingers. It was wrong for her to have her hands on him like that and Louis knew it was out of both of their control but still- Louis didn’t like it.

 The Rogues were moved on and out of the room full of cameras and microphones and Louis found Olly’s hand leaving his and himself face to face with Simon Jones.

“What are you playing at?” Jones hissed, chest puffed out and eyes almost popping out of his head. “What the hell was that shit show? McGee will have your neck for saying what you just did about Harry and Kendall and you can’t just stare at him with heart eyes when he walks into a room. You are like a fucking teenage girl.”

 Louis stared hard at Jones, determined not to crack like he so often did. Jones had no right to talk to Louis like this, Louis knew that and told himself that repeatedly however it never seemed to make any difference. Louis searched for a reason behind what he’d done. “Surely it’ll only draw more attention to Harry and Kendall’s relationship if I slag it off. Ramp up the feud, people will be determined to find reasons to prove me wrong and I will watch and laugh as they struggle.”

 Jones’ eyes narrowed dangerously and Louis waited for his next threat, his next ‘last chance’ and his next grand speech that made Louis feel worthless as a person.

 “I don’t like what you said in your acceptance speech.” Jones continued. “Pull a stunt like that again and I will have you propose to this bird you’re going to knock up in the same way Harry has.”

 “Surely that’d make it more obvious that this is all PR bullshit, copying McGee’s idea.” Louis muttered but immediately wished he hadn’t.

 “You realise this weekend is the one where you will meet Briana. Remember who she is?” Jones prompted and Louis knew vaguely. “She’s the girl who you will get pregnant come May. It is common knowledge that you and Eleanor are over and naturally you, as a free man, will be making the most of it and partying to your heart’s content. Finn and yourself will go to bars and leave with multiple girls and on more than one occasion Briana will be one of these girls until wham, news breaks in July that she’s carrying your baby.”

 “No one will buy it.” Louis told Jones dumbly. “My Mum is a midwife and I know a third of babies die before the twelve-week point so no one ever tells anyone, especially not in the celebrity world because something can go wrong. It’ll just look like she’s an attention seeking liar and no one will take her seriously.”

 “What do you know about managing a band?” Jones snarled. “I have thirty years of experience, you have five years of doing what you’re told, for once just do as I say.”

 Louis jutted his jaw with a steely determination in eyes. “You’ve had thirty years of closeting celebrities and using their success to pay for your own plastic surgery. Why the fuck should I take any advice from you?”

 And Louis ran.

Louis ran until he found Olly and then he dragged Olly to a taxi and reeled off the name of one of the venues for the various after parties. He didn’t even care if Harry was going to be there anymore, he didn’t care who he found and did things with for everyone to see, he just wanted to fuck with Jones.

 Jones needed to know that Louis couldn’t be silenced, that Louis couldn’t be scared by his empty threats and that for as long as he was hiding who Louis really was, Louis would fight against it.

 The doorman didn’t even request ID or a name of Olly and Louis, he just let them in. Louis and Olly made their way through the crowd and Louis clocked a couple of people he knew.

 Cara Delevingne was stood at the bar with another leggy model and Louis made a beeline for the pair of them, losing Olly in the crowd immediately.  

 

 Olly was nowhere to be found. Louis checked every corner of the club and found far too many celebrities wrapped up in people who weren’t their partners but none of them were his guitarist and best mate.

 “Tomlinson!” He heard over his shoulder and turned around, it was Cara strolling over, her leggy friend still in tow.

“Delevingne.” He smiled back. “Long time no see.” Cara laughed at Louis’ joke and pulled him in for something like the fifth hug of the evening, it already felt like how it had used to.

 “Louis, this is my friend Gigi.” Cara introduced them. Louis nodded hello at her and ordered a shot of vodka from the bar. The music was loud and the club was full of people – it would be so easy to lose himself for the night here.

 Cara didn’t let that happen though. Cara noticed immediately what mood Louis was in: he was prepared to get shitfaced and then leave with whoever wanted a piece of his body.

 “Lou, you’re not going to want this night to finish soon.” She told him when she found him a crowd of people some time later, maybe four shots in him now. “There’s a good party starting in half an hour with all of the best people.”

 “I don’t want to see them.” Louis shook his head. “That girl tried to kiss me earlier, I might take her home.”

 Cara rolled her eyes and dragged Louis to the bar again, ordering a tap water. Her leggy friend Gigi was gone now and now that Louis thought about it, he hadn’t seen Olly for a good hour. He told this to Cara who just shrugged.

 “He’s a big boy, it’s not the first time he’s ever got smashed out of his brains.” Louis supposed that Cara was right, it wasn’t Louis’ job to look after Olly. Louis drunk the water Cara had gotten for him and then followed her back to the dance floor, sticking by her side this time while they sang along to a dance song Louis had long forgotten the name to.

 Louis had forgotten why he was angry at the world by the time Cara was telling Louis they needed to leave and Louis was checking his phone to see where Olly was. Cara waited patiently as Louis dug into his pocket and pulled it out, a text from Olly that read:

_nto sure hOW but I am ta anothere partyyyy. I wsa with niell nad now im at smoens flat. Dotn wirry abit me_

 Cara glanced at the message and chuckled. “I told you Olly was fine. If he’s with Niall then we’ll probably wind up at the same place, let’s go and find a taxi to take us there.”

 Cara and Louis made their way to the exit of the club, ignoring the paparazzi asking them whether Louis and Cara were together and flipping off the extra rude ones. The pair climbed into the back of a cab together and Cara reeled off an address while Louis checked his phone for other messages. None from Jones which was unexpected and also none from anyone else on his management team warning him to behave himself or to look after himself – usually there was at least one.

The journey was just a blur of small talk and drunken giggling and then the taxi was stopping outside a building and Cara payed the driver, ignoring Louis’ outstretched hand full of enough.

 “I’m not poor you dick head.”

At that response Louis stuffed his own money back into his pocket and followed Cara into the building. There were no paps waiting for them on the curb which was always a good sign but Louis wondered whether Cara had gotten the address wrong; this didn’t look like the setting of an A list party.

 “Cara,” Louis started as they entered the building (how did Cara know the door code?), “Where the fuck are we?”

“Nick Grimshaw’s party. He hired a penthouse and has filled it with booze, everyone who matters is going to wind up here eventually, this will be where Olly and Niall are.”

 Cara pulled Louis into a lift and once the doors were closed she pulled out her clutch bag and freshened up her lipstick, using the lift door’s reflection. It was a baby pink colour, not as bright as her usual colour but then she turned to Louis and smiled.

 “Let me put some on you? You’d be hot with lipstick, especially this colour.” It was hard to say no when Cara Delevingne was stood only inches from your face with lipstick poised and ready. Anyway, it’s not like it’d be the first time Louis had ever worn make up and not been at a photoshoot: Louis loved a bit of eyeliner now and again.

 When the two stepped out of the lift they were met with a wall of loud, bassy music and Cara’s eyes lit up and Louis couldn’t help but feel the same – it sounded like a good party. There were two burly looking men stood outside the door and Louis chuckled when he realised there was no A-list, the guards simply googled their names and checked their faces.

 Inside of the penthouse were neon lights and speakers seemingly everywhere. The two found the kitchen easily and were met with every kind of alcohol anyone could ever want and more.

 “I want tonight to last – I’m already tipsy.” Cara shouted to Louis who agreed so the two made weak vodka and cokes and headed back into the full swing of the party, Cara clearly looking for someone.

 Louis spied Olly dancing with Niall Horan and Ed Sheeran, obviously soberer than he had been last time Louis had seen him. Finn had also wound up at this party and was stood in a corner chatting to Ashton Irwin from 5 Seconds of Summer, both of them tapping their feet to the beat of the music – drummers.

 “Hey, Lou- I think I see them.” Cara shouted and took Louis’ hand once again, pulling him towards the doors out to a crowded terrace. Louis wasn’t quite sure who ‘them’ were however felt slightly sick when he spotted a certain, newly engaged couple posing in front of the London skyline for a selfie, Kendall with her hand up to display the ring.

 Cara strode straight up to them and Kendall’s face brightened up when she saw her, immediately pulling her in for a kiss. Harry let his arm that had been around Kendall’s waist drop, the fake smile also dropping off his face and his eyes locked on Louis’.

“Hi.” Louis smiled awkwardly. For the first time maybe ever, Harry hadn’t smiled when he’d seen Louis. “What’s the matter?”

 McGee had said something – Louis was sure of it. The same way Jones had threatened Louis after the press room that had made him determined to fuck with the world, McGee had said something to ruin Harry.

 “Can we talk?” Harry asked, his throat sounding tight. Louis nodded however wasn’t sure whether it was best to have this big talk with alcohol in their system. Harry led Louis back through the apartment and eventually found an empty bedroom for them. Louis dared to wonder whether he and Harry would be making use of it tonight.

 When the door closed Louis waited for Harry so say something but instead Harry just looked at Louis and shook his head.

 “What?” Louis asked, not understanding Harry’s body language at all.

“I don’t get you Louis.”

 Louis’ eyebrows furrowed in confusion, trying to understand what Harry meant by that. “You don’t get me?” Louis checked and Harry shook his head again.

 “One moment you’re leading me on and agreeing to go to a 5SOS concert with me and the next minute you’re hooking up with Cara while her girlfriend and I pretend to be happily engaged.”

 “Wait what?” Louis asked in disbelief. “You think I’m hooking up with Cara? Is this because she sat on my lap?”

 “You have her lipstick on your own fucking lips.” Harry shouted. “Do you think I’m stupid?”

Oh for fucks sake. “She put the lipstick on me in the lift from a lipstick, not her mouth– I like wearing make-up.”

 “You’ve spent all fucking night with her and I know you have a crush on her.”

“I used to.” Louis groaned. “She’s just a friend Harry. I am not in love with every girl I spend time with in the very same way I am not in love with every guy I talk to. Am I not allowed to party with one of my friends? Was I just meant to magically know that you wanted to be in charge of me all night?”

 “I thought you wanted the same things as me Louis.” Harry shrugged. “I was obviously wrong; you’re just using me to help yourself out.”

 “What the fuck?” Louis asked, watching as Harry turned to leave the room. “You haven’t said a single word to me about any of this other than ‘do you want to fuck stuff up with me’.”

 “Well you’re not going to get anything else.” Harry shook his head. “I’m sick of trying to work you out.”

“The feeling is mutual.” Louis shot back and let Harry leave.

His brain returned to the state it had been in when Louis had entered the club however many hours earlier. Louis didn’t care about consequences and who would see – he was going to fuck shit up and he didn’t need Harry to help him.

 Louis left the bedroom and headed back into the party, looking for anyone who might be into men and up for anything. He needed to grab headlines again, bringing attention to his sexuality but this time without Harry’s name or face linked to him. Nick Grimshaw knew a lot of gay men and Louis found himself surrounded by possible kisses but then he spotted the perfect man.

 He had dark hair that was quiffed, sharp cheekbones that caught the light and was beautiful in every way a man could be. Louis approached the man carefully and made sure he smiled in the right way, gave the right look as he introduced himself as Louis.

 Before Louis could process what was happening he was being taken onto the dance floor and grinded up against by this man. The man’s lips danced against Louis’ a couple of times and it was clear he wanted something else from Louis but Louis needed something first.

 “Outside?” He asked the man who nodded, pulling a packet of cigarettes out of his pocket. Outside in the cooler air and out of the flashing, neon lights the two shared a cigarette.

 “Look,” Louis started. “You’re a model right? I’ve seen you in the Calvin Klein adverts?” The stranger nodded, unsure of where Louis was going with this. “Well I’m a singer except I’m not allowed to be out as queer. I am, I’m into guys, girls, anything in between but I’ve had to keep my relationships in the past a secret and I’m sick of it. Can I- can we kiss in front of some cameras so that I can spark some headlines with rumours about my sexuality. I don’t want anything else from you, I’m really sorry to use you like this but I’m in a shitty situation and am turning to desperate measures.” The model took in Louis’ proposal with a puff of smoke before nodding. He glanced over Louis’ shoulder and Louis checked, seeing someone taking a photo of a group of friends a few metres behind him. Louis nodded as well and let the model pull him in for a kiss as the flash went off, the model filling his mouth with smoke.

 “Thank you.” Louis smiled as the model pulled away again, a smile on his lips.

“It’s a pity you only want a kiss.” He sighed. “I’m sure that mouth could do wonders.”

 “It can.” Louis reassured him. “But not tonight. I’ll give you another kiss if you like.”

The model nodded with his own charming smile on his lips so Louis leant up and kissed him. He let the man take more control this time, his hands on his hips as the model pushed him up against the wall. Louis didn’t care who saw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It hit me halfway through this chapter that there are quite a few OCs so I really hope this doesn’t get confusing – if you have any questions about any of them then feel free to ask. I know Look After You is really a song by The Fray however I wanted to use it and it had the perfect message (the alternative was Moments by One Direction and in the end I decided LAY because it felt like a more personal song for someone to sing alone in the middle of an arena).  
> Please leave Kudos and Comments, I appreciate everything. You can also share this fic and subscribe to it if you really like it and feel free to come and find me @written-with-no-end


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is only short sorry but there's a lot of The Rogues bonding and some cute stuff with Louis and a kid

**THE ROGUES AND WHITE ESKIMO ARE STILL ‘ENEMIES’  
** _Watch Harry Styles point to The Rogues’ table while singing ‘Anyone in between is the enemy’ before turning and directly addressing new fiancée Kendall Jenner with romantic lyrics_

 **HARRY STYLES GUILTED BY FANS INTO WEARING PRO LGBT WRISTBANDS  
** _Styles was approached by two fans on the red carpet and felt pressured by them to wear the band – a source tells us that Styles often feels scared that if he doesn’t do what fans ask he’ll lose their dedication._

 **WATCH: LOUIS TOMLINSON’ MOVING TRIBUTE TO DEDICATED FAN ADELINE COMPTON  
** _The Rogues heard about the comedian who was a huge fan of the band and decided to dedicate this year’s performance to her._

 **IS CARA DELEVINGNE TAKING ELEANOR CALDER’S PLACE? THE ROGUES’ TOMLINSON HAS LADIES FIGHTING OVER HIM  
** _It’s only two days since Louis Tomlinson and Eleanor Calder’s break up went public but it seems that Tomlinson has already moved on to super model and actress Cara Delevingne. The two were seen and linked all night long and both hinted at a relationship in Radio One interviews earlier this week. Is this the start of something new?_

 **LOUIS TOMLINSON AND HARRY STYLES PLASTER SMILES ON FOR CARA AND KENDALL’S SAKE  
** _Were the smiles between Tomlinson and Styles at last night’s Brit Awards only there because Kendall and Cara are sick of the two fighting? A source reveals that the two had a row at R1 Nick Grimshaw’s party in the early hours of the morning despite Kendall and Cara’s pleading with them._

 **CALVIN KLEIN MODEL JACK BROWN COMES ONTO LOUIS TOMLINSON IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION – THE ROGUES STAR WAS ‘ATTACKED’ BY SUPERFAN  
** _Photos emerged of Louis Tomlinson’s lips on another man’s last night however yet again it seems that Louis’ drunken state has been taken advantage of. An attender of the party confirms that Tomlinson asked for a cigarette and got given a kiss before he backed off and hid for the rest of the party, obviously embarrassed that he’d been taken advantage of._

 **THE ROGUES AND WHITE ESKIMO'S FUED CONTINUES: TOMLINSON SAYS KENDALL AND HARRY AREN’T GOOD FOR EACH OTHER  
** _The playful banter during the Brit Awards was obviously a façade; Tomlinson tells the press room that he won’t be at Harry and Kendall’s wedding because he doesn’t like the two together but how does Cara feel about this?_

 **WHY DID LOUIS TOMLINSON CRY DURING THE ROGUES’ PERFORMANCE? DOES THE STAR REGRET SPLIT WITH ELEANOR?  
** _Tomlinson plastered on a brave face as he addressed the first few interviews following the announcement of their split however during an emotional song Tomlinson broke down and let the tears split out._

“I could go on.” Heidi smiled weakly as Louis groaned at the eighth headline. He’d had a total of three hours’ sleep and the rest of his Thursday morning had been spent debating on whether to turn on his phone or not. In the end Louis had decided that no, it was best just to hear everything through Finn in the taxi on the way to the airport – if it was anything urgent then someone would contact Kerri who would be with the band all week. Louis was now he was lying in the VIP lounge with Finn, Olly, Will, Heidi, Adam, Kerri and Kerri’s little girl Amy, waiting to be let through.

 “Please don’t remind me.” Louis shook his head. “Last night was a disaster.”

It was quite impressive really; the media had twisted the night’s events so much that Louis wasn’t entirely sure he trusted his own memories but it was also incredibly frustrating. On the one hand the headline about he and Jack (he’d found out the model’s name and gotten his number after the second kiss) alerted people to the fact Louis had kissed a man, on the other side, it was making Jack out as a sexual predator and Louis as a victim which was absolute bullshit.

 Not all of the articles were completely missing the point though: Louis and Harry were certainly not best mates at the moment.

 Louis had lain in bed until five A.M trying to work out what exactly he’d done wrong. All Louis had done was reconnected with an old friend on Wednesday night. Louis had caught up with Cara and chatted to her (albeit with her sat on his lap) and then met her coincidently at a club and then let her put a lipstick on him because Louis liked to feel pretty.

 But Harry had been so angry.

Harry had been nothing but soft for the last two weeks and even after Louis had been a dick and walked out Harry had sent a tentative text hoping to make things less awkward. But Louis walking out after the two had had sex was the only wrong thing he’d done. The prank call had happened the same day and apart from Louis walking out, he’d not done anything wrong since then had he?

 “Go and cuddle Uncle Lou, he looks like he needs one.” Louis had approximately half a second to prepare himself before a three-year-old with ginger ringlets launched herself at Louis’ stomach and climbed on top of his outstretched body, trapping him on the sofa he’d claimed.

 “It’s good to see someone’s in a good mood Amy.” Louis smiled, tugging gently at one of her ringlets. He was tired and he wanted to curl up under his hoodie but Kerri was right, he needed a cuddle. He squeezed Amy tightly to his chest and let some of her three-year-old enthusiasm soak into him.

 “Can you please sit with me on the plane?” Amy asked Louis gently and Louis couldn’t bring himself to say no to her eager face.

 “Yeah, okay.” Louis nodded. “But if I fall asleep I’ll be very angry if you wake me.” At Louis’ threat Amy just giggled. She’d grown up surrounded by The Rogues and their mood swings, hung over mornings and post tour depression – she knew Louis’ threat held no real repercussions because none of the boys had ever dared do anything other than smile at her. “What film are you going to watch on the plane Amy?”

 Amy thought for a second, considering all of her usual options. “Aladdin.” She decided. “I want to be Aladdin and marry Princess Jasmine because then I can be Princess Amy.”

 “Yeah, you can.” Louis nodded. “I think you’ll be a beautiful Princess Amy. How about Merida though? You look like her don’t you?” Amy nodded again, weighing up the pros and cons of Princess Merida and Princess Jasmine.

 “I think I like Princess Jasmine more.” Amy decided and Louis told her that he agreed. He then glanced over at Kerri and wondered how she felt about Amy deciding which princess she wanted to marry. Amy was three and wanted to marry a Princess and there were some shitty people in the world that would send her to a correction unit. Kerri wouldn’t because Kerri wasn’t a shitty person or a bad parent and Kerri let Amy wear trousers and t-shirts instead of dresses and she let Amy fantasise about marrying Princess Jasmine. Louis would give anything in the world for Amy to grow up in a world free from shitty people like Jones who considered anything other than straight and white wrong.

 Ten minutes later Heidi had snapped a photo of Amy lying on Louis’ chest while they continued to discuss the benefits of marrying Princess Jasmine and posted it to Louis’ Instagram captioned “I’m going to marry Princess Jasmine.” – Amy Thomas, age three and a bit.”

 Louis’ social media so rarely showed a true snapshot of what Louis was like as a person but he appreciated what Heidi had done. His Mum would see that image and know that Louis was okay after the events from the Brits and that he was being cared for and was with the people around him he loved; Jones would see that and appreciate that Louis’ image was being ‘fixed’ with a photo of him cuddling a three-year-old and maybe Harry would see the photo and stop seeing Louis as a monster.

 Kerri came over and Louis sat up to let Kerri sit down next to him, Amy now being cradled in his arms.

 “Louis, I have six texts from your mother.”

“My phones off.” He sighed. “I didn’t want to deal with it.”

 “Promise me you’ll turn it on when we get to LA.”

Louis nodded. “What has my Mum said?”

 Kerri simply handed over her phone and Louis scrolled through.

_Kerri can you please let Louis know that his mother wants to speak to him because she’s worried. I’ve seen all sorts online and don’t know what to believe_

_Louis ring me, what actually happened last night? Please turn on your phone because I feel bad for texting Kerri but I know she’ll show you this message._

_Are you on the plane yet? You need to ring me when you get to LA, I am your mother_

_Why did you kiss Jack? Was this an attention seeking thing like with Harry or something more? What is going on because I listened to the Call and Delete and he sounded pretty taken with you_

_You and Cara? Is this a het stunt or are you an actual thing because I remember you used to fancy her_

_When you are back in the UK you are coming home and you are telling me what is going on. Alternatively just the two of us go to Wales because I don’t think you’ve been back yet and we talk it over and I give you hugs and kisses and we sort everything out. Ring me when you get to LA because I know you have an international contract and we’ll sort something out, yes? Just because you are never home anymore doesn’t mean I don’t still love and care for you and it hurts me every time you are put through something like this. I know Kerri will get this message to you so don’t pretend you haven’t seen it and just phone me. Love you lots Louis, Mum xx_

Louis looked back up at Kerri and smiled weakly. “Thanks you showing me Kez.”

 “You’re Mum’s going to be worried. I’m not going to make you ring her now but when we get to LA and get to our rented house you are going to ring her, please.”

 Louis nodded and smiled back down at Amy who was watching everything closely. “Do you have a Daddy?” Amy asked innocently. “I don’t.”

 “No but you’ve got a lot of Uncles don’t you.” Louis reminded her, referencing himself and the band. “I don’t have any Uncles.”

“Do you have a Daddy?” Amy repeated and Louis shrugged. He had a biological Dad who would go to The Sun every few months claiming something new for a bit of money and attention. He had a step-Dad who’d been a Dad for him for most of his childhood and he still had that surname. And there was Dan who was his Mum’s new husband and he was a good Dad to Louis’ brother and sisters but he wasn’t Louis’ Dad.

 “Not really.” Louis shook his head. “I don’t need one.”

 When the time came, Amy pulled Louis onto their plane and into their seats to make sure he was sat next to her. Kerri just watched and chuckled while Heidi made sure it was uploaded onto the band’s brand new Snapchat. As the plane took off Amy told Louis all about how her night at Aunty Sally’s had been while Kerri had been with the boys at the Brit Awards but as the journey drew on Amy eventually got tired and went to sleep. It was then when Louis moved to sit near Olly, Finn and Will – he needed to tell them about the faked pregnancy.

 None of them had asked him yet about Harry. That morning Finn had asked if Louis had had a good night to which Louis had replied no and hidden his face, Olly had sent Louis a text just past lunchtime asking if he’d got laid and Will had asked whether Louis meant for everyone to see his and Jack’s kiss but Louis knew it was only a matter of time.

 “Are you going to tell them now?” Olly asked as Louis sat down, obviously on the same wavelength as Louis and Louis nodded his head. Will and Finn looked at Louis expectantly.

 “Jones wants me to fake getting some random girl pregnant.” Both Will and Finn’s jaws dropped and they stared at him dumbly before both talking at a hundred miles an hour.

 “You what?” “Fake a pregnancy?” “How is that meant to help anything?” “Why the fuck would he think that would work?” “Surely there are laws against this?” “That’s bullshit”

“I don’t know.” Louis shrugged because he didn’t. “I meet the girl, Briana I think she’s called, this week and... well I don’t really know anything else about it but that’s why I was off about going to LA and have been tense and grouchy.”

 “You being grouchy has nothing to do with Harry?” Will asked, eyebrows raised like he didn’t believe Louis.

Louis shook his head slowly. “I don’t know what’s going on with Harry but I’m not sure I want to talk about it.”

 “Are you not going to tell us anything?” Finn asked, looking slightly hurt at Louis’ secrecy surrounding the whole affair. They had once been so close that nothing went unspoken about.

“There isn’t that much to tell. We kissed once or twice but then apparently I was getting it on with Cara and he had a go at me at the party.”

 “Were you getting it on with Cara?” Olly asked in surprise. “Three years ago you would have jumped at the opportunity.”

 “Yeah but it’s not three years ago is it?” Louis shrugged. “She sat on my lap and we partied together but it was all platonic. I put on some of her lipstick and Harry saw and thought we’d been kissing but Cara is spoken for and I haven’t wanted to do anything with her since... well since Harry.”

 “Was he just upset because of the whole Kendall proposal thing?” Finn considered. “Mind you, he was happy with you when he saw serenading you and whispering stuff in your ear.”

 “He was inviting me to a 5SOS concert with him when he was whispering in my ear.” Louis shrugged. “But I don’t know whether that was for publicity because loads of 5SOS fans would recognise us or because he wants to go to a concert with me for who I am.”

 “Did you not ask him?” Olly inquired and Louis shook his head sadly.

“I didn’t ask him any of the times the lines were blurred which was stupid.”

 “Have you not spoken to him since?” Will checked and again, Louis shook his head.

“My phone’s been off. My Mum left six texts on Kerri’s phone because I wasn’t answering her calls. She wants to go with me to Wale when we get back from LA.”

 “To where she is?” Olly asked in a softer voice and Louis nodded slowly.

“I haven’t been back since we scattered her ashes there.”

 “You’ve not?” Will frowned. “How come?”

“I... I haven’t been able to bring myself to go yet.” Louis had thought about going back many times. Back to the place where he had first kissed Adeline and where he’d said his final goodbye.

The place was close to the seaside town that Adeline’s parents had moved to when she had left for university. Before the two of them were even dating Adeline had needed someone to drive her home for her Mum’s birthday. The train line that went to the closest town had been damaged in a storm and ever since Adeline had moved to London she’d not had a car so Louis had offered to take her. That night they’d walked her family’s dog down by the sea front to a bench further down the beach and Louis had admitted that he’d offered to drive Adeline down because he really liked her. Luckily Adeline hadn’t been scared off and had reassured Louis that she felt the same way and the rest had just all fallen into place.

 “It’s Adeline’s birthday next weekend as well but we have promo for the next fortnight.” Louis sighed. “The most I’ll be able to spend down there is the night after we land back in London but I’ll be jetlagged and I’ve checked with Kerri and I’ll need to be back in London the next evening for the filming of something like Jonathon Ross.”

 “I think you should go.” Olly decided. “Go with your Mum and be with Ada’s family on her birthday.”

“Maybe.” Louis nodded. “I’ll talk to Mum and phone Ada’s parents when I get the time but I’m not sure when that’ll be. Jones wants to continue my party boy image and have me out every night with Briana and a bunch of other girls.” Finn shifted in his own seat uneasily and the three men turned to look at him.

 “Well if we’re talking stunts then I guess it’s time I told you all.” Finn spoke up. “A couple of days ago James and I got called in for a meeting with Jones and he told us that he might use me coming out as album promo for the Autumn.” Finn looked embarrassed to say what he was and he watched Louis’ reaction closely as he did. “It’s not confirmed yet or anything but... well we had a discussion and he told me we would need something big because it’s our last album with Jones and the label. He didn’t mention this fake pregnancy at all which I suppose would also be huge promotion wise but...” Finn looked like he was finding this entire conversation incredibly awkward and he didn’t want to be telling them but Louis understood.

 “That’s great Finn.” He smiled. “It’s shitty your sexuality is being exploited this was but... I’m happy for you.”

“I don’t want to come out for the album though...” Finn said slowly. “Especially if you’re having to pretend to get a girl pregnant though.” Finn shook his head. “Jones is literally taking the locks from my closet door to make yours even tighter. It’s not fair.”

 “I-,” Louis couldn’t believe what Finn was saying. “Finn, I appreciate that you care but you literally have the opportunity to be yourself for the first time in five years, take it.”

 “I wouldn’t be myself though, would I?” Finn frowned. “Jones would still lay down the law about what I could say and do and I’d be sent on stupid pap walks with James and... I don’t want to come out like that. I don’t want it to be a big deal full of front page photoshoots and five page spreads full of interviews where I lie about hating myself and not understanding myself as I grew up and how it took me years of experimenting and hiding who I was before I felt comfortable so now I’m telling the world. That is what Jones will turn it into to cover his own back and I don’t want it to be like that. I want to just be able to say in an interview one day “Me and my boyfriend went and saw that film” and the little things like that. It shouldn’t be a big deal that I’m gay and that’s what Jones wants it to be otherwise he wouldn’t want it as album promotion. James and I are happy with being a private couple but it would be nice if I didn’t have to lie. I just- I want what Will and Heidi have where everyone knows they’re together but no one makes a big deal out of it.”

 Louis understood what Finn meant but the fact that Finn was unhappy with having the chance to come out... It was unfathomable for someone like Louis who’d never had even close to the chance to understand why someone wouldn’t jump at the opportunity.

 “Would you say no in spite of Jones?”

“Sort of.” Finn nodded. “Like... I don’t want to play his game. I’m happy with James and staying in the closet until the new year might not be all that bad.”

 “But... you have the chance.” Louis frowned. “Why not take it?”

“Because I want to come out on my terms.” Finn said simply. “I don’t want to be Jones’ puppet. He has spent five years hating the two of us because we aren’t just straight and he’s been a dick to Olly too for being ace. If this album does well it’ll be him who gets the most reward and he shouldn’t be rewarded for keeping us in a closet until when he needs us to be out.”

 Will looked up in the middle of Finn’s big speech. “Olly’s ace?”

Louis glanced with a panic at Olly because he knew it was something Olly had never talked about. Had Olly discussed this with Finn before or was Finn just making assumptions? There was an awkward silence in which Finn muttered ‘shit’ under his breath, Will looked at Olly questioningly and Olly shook his head slowly before shrugging.

 “I- maybe.”

“Sorry Ol, I- I shouldn’t have said that.” Finn apologised. “James and I spoke about it once and since then I just assumed. I’m sorry I- it’s wrong.”

 Will was still looking at Olly. “Are you, Olly?”

“Yeah... I guess people call it that.” Olly nodded, not making eye contact with any of them now. “Asexual, aromantic... I don’t think I’m ever going to sleep with someone or be in a relationship.”

 “You’re a virgin?” Finn now asked, the same intrigued tone that Will had had and Olly nodded again, his cheeks even redder.

 “Guys.” Louis said gently. “Go easy, yeah.”

“Did you know?” Will then asked and Louis wasn’t sure what to say, wasn’t sure if Olly even remembered that conversation.

 “Sort of.” Louis nodded. “Not labelled or anything but... we spoke about it once, years ago when we were drunk and emotional.”

“Do any of you care?” Olly asked, finally looking up from the floor, his dark eyes round and worried. Finn and Louis shook their head in unison, Will just looked mortified. “Will?” Olly asked uncertainly.

“Oh my god...” Will muttered. “I’ve been such a fucking dick.”

Louis, Olly and Finn stared now at Will, identical looks of confusion on their faces.

“I’ve been so insensitive. I’ve always joked that you’re just picky or that girls don’t like your smell or something... oh my god Olly, I’m so sorry.” Before any of them could react Will had risen from his seat and was hugging Olly, apologising repeatedly and begging for Olly’s forgiveness.

 “Will, chill out.” Olly muttered embarrassedly. “It’s okay.”

 Will sat back in his chair and looked around at the four of them. “I think we need to make a decision.”

 “A decision?” Louis asked. “About what?”

“Next year. What are we going to do? We end with the label and with Jones so we are free to choose what we do and... well Heidi and I have talked and we’d like to have kids so... we thought maybe a year or two-year long hiatus would be possible.”

 It was the first mention of not continuing as a band next year and Louis hadn’t even considered that maybe Will and Heidi would want to start a family.

 “That makes sense.” Olly nodded.

“Um- I was going to propose to James.” Finn now mentioned with a shy smile and all three heads snapped around to look at him for the second time in the past half hour. “It’s his birthday in May and I think it’s the right time to do so.”

 “Yeah, go for it.” Will nodded and Olly nodded in approval.

“So yeah, a hiatus might be nice.” Finn told them. “Maybe James and I could adopt.”

 “James is so ready to be a dad.” Olly smiled. “He dotes on Amy more than we do – well, maybe not as much as Louis does but it’s close.”

 Louis stayed silent, he didn’t want to get into a discussion about having children, not tonight when he was tired and emotional and had already his heart melted by Amy’s innocence and vulnerability to the world.

“So what about you two next year?” Will asked. “Hiatus or not?”

Louis glanced at Olly who shrugged. “I don’t care. Lou?”

Louis thought about it. A hiatus meant total freedom. It meant that the four boys would have completely freedom to do whatever the fuck they wanted with no one telling them what to do. If Louis wanted to go back and live at home in Doncaster again, he could.

 For the first time in five years he’d have freedom.

 “Yeah, let’s go on a hiatus.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any questions about the OCs then please just ask, I'm happy to answer questions about them because I know keeping up with OCs can be hard.  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated and if you want to be notified when a new chapter comes out then hit subscribe :)  
> Also come and find me on tumblr: @written-with-no-end
> 
> xxx


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has over 1000 hits now??? Thank you xxxx  
> Also a shout out to my beta Mira who deserves all of the love <3 She's @miraboo on here and @kingofthejungleandcultleader on tumblr and also Giulia who is consistently telling everyone to read it and keeping me motivated to type. She is @rated-l-for-larry on tumblr XX  
> Now go read and enjoy :D

Like Louis had promised he rang his mother as soon as he could and naturally Jay was worried about him. Louis reassured her time and time again that he was fine and any rumours she’d heard about him struggling were rumour only but it was difficult when he was as drained and tired as he was. Louis arranged to go with her to Wales to visit Adeline’s final resting place and to speak to his mother properly, face to face for the first time in too long.

The next seven days were a week of promo hell.

 By day three they’d been on Saturday Night live and answered questions on which actress they’d most like to sleep with (Louis had said Cara Delevingne just for the sake of it, fans had screamed), they’d squirmed and answered with difficulty about what they looked for in a girl and they’d been followed by hordes of girls driving dangerously wherever they’d gone. On three different radio stations they’d been asked about backstage antics and whether they had any girls with them to which Will had smiled “My fiancée is part of our crew, we wouldn’t get away with it,” while the rest stayed silent.

 The talk on the plane had done them all some good. It was like an elephant in the room had been addressed, especially regarding Olly. Louis hadn’t noticed how distanced Olly had been towards Finn and Will, his own family, until Louis saw them joking about something together. It took Louis back to how things had been at the start of the band with the light hearted ness before they’d all gotten so caught up with relationships and with getting through to the end of the contract. They’d been so carefree and happy back then.

 Jones had ruined them.

And of course there was Briana.

Briana Jungleworm (that might have been wrong, Louis could never remember her surname) who had batted her eyelashes none stop at Louis since they’d first met. It only ingrained into Louis how much she wasn’t his type.

 All of Louis’ partners had been less intense and obvious they wanted a relationship. It wasn’t that Louis disliked how much Briana was putting herself out there – he admired her bravery if anything – it was that Briana was happy to fake a baby to ensure that Louis’ true identity was hidden. That had been why it had taken so long for Louis to tolerate Eleanor but he’d eventually learnt that Eleanor hadn’t been clearly told what she was being employed for until it was too late. Jones had spun Eleanor’s job description at the time as someone to make fans jealous and drum up the attraction of Louis’ being a ‘forbidden love’ because he was taken. It was only after Eleanor had signed an open ended contract she realised that in fact she was only there because Jones didn’t like Louis’ non binary sexuality.

 Something else that put Louis off Briana was her lack of a sense of humour. He hadn’t realised how much some laughter attracted him until he tried to strike up conversation with Briana and she didn’t laugh once or try and joke in return. Hannah had laughed easily and had been wicked with her tongue in a similar way to Louis, Aiden had been quieter but had had a sharp mind that had made deep thought out jokes, Alex had just had a witty comeback to everything and conversation had flowed easily and full of chuckles between the two of them and Adeline had just been hilarious. She had worked as a comedian and had been writing a sitcom when the cancer had been diagnosed and there had just been a happy, light hearted atmosphere around her, even during her last days.

 Briana didn’t have any of these sparks. Instead Briana stared at Louis dumbly when he tried to crack one of his usually quite successful jokes. Ever since the day The Rogues had landed in LA Louis had been sent out every evening to be photographed at a club and to take photos with a few fans who’d been tipped off before heading home in a taxi full of women he didn’t know and Briana.

 Briana wasn’t allowed to be too close to Louis, just obviously present on all these nights out because the story would be sold that it was a one-night stand with a clubbing friend but he wasn’t meant to have impregnated her until May so to Louis this all seemed a bit pointless.

 And the prospect of faking a baby – it terrified Louis. To have to answer questions in interviews and look pleased when people congratulated him on a non-existent foetus when other people tried desperately to have children through IVF, surrogacy and adoption. The talk of pretending to have children took him back to painful memories of late nights with Adeline planning baby names and what the nurseries would look like. Jones didn’t understand how big a deal this was to Louis and neither did anyone else. Louis had always been desperate for children and he and Adeline had come so close and now it was being used against Louis. His own love for children was being used against him and it was sickening.

 Louis was going to make this as obvious as possible. His fans at least would know that if it was a real baby, Louis would be ecstatic, if it was a real baby Louis would defend it and if it was a real baby Louis would be very careful about what was released about it.  Louis’ plan was already hatching in his mind; he was going to sabotage Jones’ entire plan.

 On Sunday night, night three in LA, after arriving back at The Rogues’ rented house Louis found his way to Olly’s room and crawled under the duvet to join him instead of returning to his own room. He’d been traipsing around clubs in front of cameras yet again and he needed something to bring him home, remind him who he really was.

 “I miss you Smithers.” He murmured when he’d made himself comfortable next to Olly’s sleepy body. He didn’t see enough of his best mate, especially when he was being sent out every night pretending to be a real ladies man. Even in the clubs Louis attracted more men than women but of course those photos and videos never made it out onto the internet – weird that.

“I miss you too Tommo.” Olly sighed and his eyes roamed over Louis’ face, examining it. “You look tired.”

 “I am; I think I’ve visited every single club in Los Angeles these past few nights and we still have four nights to go.” Louis groaned but Olly shook his head.

“No, I meant that you look tired of life.”

“I’m not tired of life Ol.” Louis reassured him. “I’m just tired of Simon Jones and the bullshit society he led us to believe in to keep us quiet. If we came out as gay, ace, or just as queer in general, do you know who would give a fuck? Literally no one but a few heartbroken fans. A couple of people would think we were looking for attention, a few would call us fags or prudes or keeping our options open but society in general wouldn’t bat an eyelid because we’d just be a few more queer people in an industry full of them.” Olly nodded in agreement and Louis carried on.

 “When all of this started Jones was sat with me in the office and I threatened to come out. He told me to open my twitter app and to do so but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it because I didn’t know what to call myself and I had no idea what the consequences would be but... it frustrates me. I just want to tweet that everything is bullshit but at the same time I can’t because I care too much about the fans, the band, you guys and our team. If we get dropped then Heidi, Kerri and Adam lose their jobs and Kerri is a single mum to Amy, she can’t lose her job with no notice.”

 “Do you know what your problem is Lou?” Olly asked Louis and Louis shook his head. “You care too much about other people. You’re too selfless because so many other people in the world would have given up so long ago when it got hard and they would have let everyone else sort out the mess. They might have left dramatically or tweeted and got the band dropped with no consideration but you refuse to.”

 “I wouldn’t be able to live myself if I ruined all of your lives because of my own self-indulgence.” Louis told Olly truthfully but at this Olly frowned at.

“Coming out isn’t self-indulgent.” Olly frowned. “People preach about their heterosexuality all of the fucking time, go and preach about your own non binary sexuality, it’s the same thing.”

 Louis let his head drop to the crook between Olly’s shoulder and head. “I don’t think many people have their job on the line because they’re straight though.”

 “No, that’s the shitty part.” Olly agreed. “I just wish that the next time someone asked us what we look for in a girl we just told them how it was. Finn would go “what I look for in a guy actually,” you would just be looking for a person, Will would do the whole “I have a fiancée, I don’t need to look actually,” and I could just tell them to piss off and stop asking.”

 Louis laughed. “None of us are _that_ confrontational Olly, it’d be nice though.”

“Talking of tweeting and coming out.” Olly mentioned, “Niall tweeted this earlier but I don’t know if you saw it.” Louis hadn’t seen any tweet from Niall so looked to Olly. Olly held out his phone with the tweet up on the screen and Louis read it.

_@NiallOfficial: I’m aromatic._

“Niall tweeted that he was aro?” Louis asked Olly in surprise.

 “Read it again Lou.” Olly shook his head and Louis did.

“I’m aromatic... oh... as in smelly?” Louis checked and Olly nodded.

 “But Niall _is_ aro, it’s clever what he did.” Olly mentioned and Louis looked surprised.

“I didn’t realise you’d spoken to him so much.” Olly nodded in return and began to type out a reply to the tweet.

_@OllySmithers: @NiallOfficial ME TOOO!!!!_

 “Niall’s aro.” Olly repeated but this time carried on into more detail. “While you were starting World War Three with Harry after the Brits, Niall and I were talking about being asexual and aromantic. Niall’s aro like me but... well he’s get a very high sex drive.”

 “I didn’t know you’d talked to Niall that much.” Louis murmured.

“Yeah, we had a pretty big discussion. I don’t know if he’d want me to share it with anyone but he’s got some pretty horrible girl troubles going on behind the scenes.”

 “Girl troubles?” Louis frowned. “But you said he’s aro...”

“I know.” Olly nodded. “But... he started sleeping with this girl ages ago and he really likes her but as a friend. His friend fancies him and has for a while and Niall knows and he likes her back but not in the way she wants and... he doesn’t want to lose her and he really wants to love her in the way she does to him but... well I think it’s killing him inside.”

 “That’s shit.” Louis muttered, wondering if he knew this girl. “Have you ever felt like that Ol?”

 “No.” Olly shook his head. “I was properly depressed when we stopped flat sharing though but I think that was just because I was scared I’d be completely alone. I knew even then I was never going to bring anyone back or start a family with someone and I wasn’t allowed to flat share with my best mate anymore. I just felt so useless.”

Louis remembered very well. Olly hadn’t ever come out to see them and had rarely replied to messages until Finn and Louis had taken action and gotten him to see someone. Until not long ago, Louis had presumed that every celebrity had gone through dark patches because of the pressure – now he realised it was Jones who’d done this to Olly and to an extent had done it to Louis as well. Not allowing Louis any time off when Adeline had died had drained Louis of any energy and feeling until Christmas had come.

 “Are you going to sleep in here?” Olly asked gently, breaking the silence that had fallen between them.

“Do you mind if I do?” Louis asked carefully and Olly shook his head.

 “As long as you don’t wet the bed.” He joked and Louis smiled as he slowly drifted to sleep. Why couldn’t everything be that easy?

 

On Wednesday, near the end of their trip, they were finally filming the Late Late Show. In the morning Louis and Will went to a studio and did some writing with a couple of old writing friends and when the afternoon came around they met up with Finn and Olly again at the CBS studios.

 Louis had known James since a young age and the first party any of the boys had been to after moving to London had been one of his. They’d not known many people and since then James had acted much like a father figure to them, watching out for them at award shows and reminding them all of the time to stay grounded and not get carried away with it.

 They caught up with him quickly before the interview and James warned them that he’d ask about stuff they might not be used to people asking them. Any restrictions Jones had ordered on the interview had gotten lost along the way and Kerri and Heidi both sat at the side, watching in fear and hoping that the interview stayed controlled enough for them to get away with it. Louis often forgot that Kerri and Heidi’s jobs were at stake just as much as his. It was Kerri’s job to organise the boys and make sure they got everywhere when they needed to be as well as arranging any future engagements at the same time. It was Heidi’s job to make sure whatever happened the boys were seen in either the best light or the light that Jones wanted. But Jones was a lazy manager and rarely travelled with the boys, instead just passing on all of his instructions to whoever was in charge at the time. If The Rogues were on tour then Paul was in charge, whenever they weren’t on tour the responsibility fell collectively on Heidi and Kerri.

 Louis had been looking forward to this interview for a while. He knew it would be one of the easier ones to get through and James knew enough about the boys’ lives to ask the right questions. When the lights and cameras came on, Louis had adrenalin filling his veins.

“So boys, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen you all.” James smiled. “You’ve been dominating the world of music, I’ve been dominating the world of TV, it’s been a busy time for all of us.”

 “It has.” Louis nodded and his three bandmates agreed with him.

“I did actually see you at the Brits, it was across the room but I was there and I saw some goings on.”

 “You did?” Finn asked, pretending to look embarrassed. “What did you see?”

“Well I saw you all having probably too much to drink.” The four boys nodded in agreement, “I saw you all take a picture with White Eskimo – actually, can you clear something up for me?” Louis glanced across at Heidi and Kerri nervously, clear what up? “Is there a rivalry between your two bands or is it all playful?”

 “Playful.” Will nodded to James. “We do both want the same thing: to be a very successful band so there is rivalry but we’re grown men and we all have quite similar personalities so we can look past that and be mates at the same time. I get on very well with Liam, I know Olly and Niall are good mates, they were tweeting earlier this week, and-,”

 “And Louis and Harry!” James smiled mischievously. “What’s going on there because I hear all sorts from everyone?”

 Louis sighed, he had no idea what to say. Were he and Harry still a PR thing or was Harry done with him completely? “It is what it is James.” Louis shrugged, referencing the tattoo that was branded across his chest. “We have banter; we know each other quite well, the media just chooses what to report on.”

 “But I read a lot that there is this big conflict between the two of you and that’s why it took so long for The Rogues and White Eskimo to actually have a big meeting, is that true?”

 Louis squirmed. “We’ve never had this big conflict that the media wants everyone to think we’ve had, we’ve fought and had arguments before but nothing as big as anyone thinks it is and certainly nothing that’s ever affected the rest of the band.”

 “The two of you kissed didn’t you?” James wasn’t asking a question, it was a fact that the whole world knew, Louis and Harry had made sure of that themselves. Louis didn’t know what he was supposed to say.

 “Uh- yeah, that did happen.” Louis nodded. “I become quite flirtatious when I’m drunk and it obviously did something for Harry.” Louis wasn’t sure whether it was a good idea to make the entire ordeal sound like Louis had accidentally seduced Harry but he didn’t know what else to say.

 “And something for this model after the Brits as well, are you sure it’s the drink?” James was chuckling, James knew Louis well and had met Aiden, Alex and Adeline in the past but Louis couldn’t come out and what James was saying could ruin Louis’ career.

 “I’m not sure what happened after the Brits but it did.” Louis shrugged. “I don’t remember a lot of it so that was a bit of a surprise seeing those photos the next morning. Usually there is a lot of talk because I’ve said something a bit cheeky during an acceptance speech or flipped off a pap so waking up and seeing that everyone was talking because I’d kissed a guy again, it was a bit strange, especially as I don’t recall it happening. Are we sure it’s me in that photo?” Laughter rippled through the audience which helped Louis relax again but James started to take a serious tone now.

“Well the Brits was quite a night for you Louis. I saw that you cried and if you don’t mind me asking, how well did you know Adeline?”

_So fucking well._

“She was a very close friend of mine, of all of us.” Louis told James. “We played her the album before it was released and she was quite ill at this point but she told us then Look After You was by far her favourite song so when we knew we were doing it at the Brits and releasing it as a single it felt only right to dedicate to her.”

“Louis, I know you were at her funeral in the middle of all of your album promotion. That must have been really tough to know that Adeline had passed and to still plaster on a smile and go “yeah, go and buy our album”.”

 Who had authorised these questions? Whoever it was, Louis wanted to kiss them, James would be opening everyone’s eyes to the absurdness of it all.

 “It was tough and the rest of the guys couldn’t get the time off but I was glad I was there. It felt right.” Louis smiled.

 “And you guys are about to tour in- what is it, a month?” James had moved the topic on with ease and Louis was glad. He knew talking too much about Adeline could get him into serious trouble and it was stirring things up inside of him. Hopefully with all of her name mentions in the past few weeks a few of the fans would investigate (why did it have to sound so clinical?) and maybe notice that she’d been a lot closer to Louis than just a friend.

The talk about the tour was easy and Louis simply watched as Olly and Finn recalled some tour antics before James moved on to Will’s wedding.

 “So you are engaged to your lovely fiancée Heidi and she also works with you. How does that work out?”

 “It’s quite nice actually because it means she’s always with us.” Will smiled. “I know Finn and Louis have found it hard in the past being away from loved ones and I’ve never had that issue because wherever we are, she is too.”

 “Now as a band, you have quite a small crew don’t you. Now, for example, you’re on a trip to LA, how many crew members do you have with you?”

 “Um- well Heidi, Kerri and Adam go with us everywhere.” Louis told them. “And depending on where we are we have various security men but on average about... seven.”

 “Wow.” James murmured. “Because I know certain bands can have up to fifty people in their entourage. They’ll have a hair guy each, a makeup guy each, a stylist each and then each will have a personal assistant and a manager.”

 “We don’t really have a manager that travels with us.” Will explained. “Simon Jones is the big dog at the top but a lot of it is done through phone calls to Kerri and Heidi. Adam styles all of us and that’s it.”

 “It’s all a bit secretive isn’t it?” James chuckled. “Done through phone calls, a tiny crew. What are you hiding?” Louis, Finn, Olly and Will all glanced at each other in terror, unsure of how to answer that question. James laughed. “I was joking!” He lied. “You all look as guilty as anything when I ask you what you’re hiding.”

 “We were all actually going to rob a casino at the weekend.” Louis smiled, hoping the laughter would ease the tension. “You caught us out.”

 “What, Ocean’s Seven?” James asked and then the five of them were laughing again.

When the interview ended Louis was carted off with Finn to a bar (sadly not a gay one) and Briana was there waiting with some girls (Louis had been introduced them before, he didn’t remember any of them) and after ten minutes of drinking and watching everyone else have fun, Louis messed up his hair, tried to make himself look like he’d been parting hard and then left, climbing into a car with Finn hot on his heels and a couple of the girls following and climbing in behind them.

 Louis and Finn were dropped off before the girls were and Briana’s disappointment was evident when Louis closed the door on her.

 

The Rogues had been given Thursday morning off and Louis out of the blue had received a text from Cara.

_Hiya Louis, I’m in LA and apparently you are too. A little birdie (Kerri) told me you had the morning off, do you want to record FourFiveSeconds or something, people keep pestering me about this mysterious song we wrote together._

FourFiveSeconds was the song that Cara and Louis had written all of those years ago with an out of tune guitar and Louis still remembered it well. He and Cara had been proud of the song and had considered releasing it or at least recording it back then but Louis was prepared to do it now instead.

 He’d gotten Alberto, his American bodyguard (when he was home in Britain often Preston looked after him) to drive him to where Cara said she was and when he arrived he realised that it was a simple studio with a piano and some fancy microphones.

 “It’s pretty basic,” she shrugged, “but I like it.”

“I like it too.” Louis smiled. “How are we doing FourFiveSeconds then? Acoustic?”

 “Yes, did you bring a guitar?” Cara checked and Louis nodded with a smile.

“So what are we doing with this song then?” Louis asked. “Releasing it? Just recording it?”

 “I want to film us doing it.” Cara decided. “But basic, nothing fancy, and put it on YouTube, tweet about it and offer it on iTunes.”

 “Do you know how to put stuff on iTunes?” Louis asked Cara who shook her head and Louis laughed. “Luckily I do.” He chuckled. “I know how we can Spotify it as well if you like.”

 “Yeah, sure.” Cara nodded. “Could we do all of that today?”

“Um... it might take a few weeks but no more than a month.” Louis considered. “We’d need to put together the audio and video and I’d need permission from my label and management but yeah, we could do it.”

 Cara smiled. “Wicked.”

And so the pair spent the morning practising and eventually recording it.

The two decided in the end to open the studio window, wanting a more casual sound and recorded it sat just on stools, bare faced and scruffy haired, both in hoodies.

 “This is nice.” Cara smiled as they finally were set up. “It feels organic.”

“Yeah, I love music like this. It feels closer.” Louis agreed, pulling the guitar to his chest and strumming nervously as Cara pressed record on the microphone and video.

 “Do we have to do that clap to sync them up?” Cara asked as she came and sat down on the stool next to Louis.

 “Yeah, you do it.” Louis nodded and Cara smiled.

“FourFiveSeconds, take one.” Then she clapped and bit her lip excitedly as Louis began to play the guitar, waiting for Cara to begin singing.

  _“I think I’ve had enough, I might get a little drunk.”_ She smiled. _“I say what’s on my mind, might do a little time. ‘Cause all of my kindness, is taken for weakness. Now I’m four five seconds from wilding, and we’ve got three more days ‘til Friday, I’m just trying to make it back home by Monday morning, I swear. I wish somebody would tell me, oh that’s all I want.”_ Cara had sung it perfectly and Louis was almost nervous to come in now and mess it up.

Louis took a breath and began to sing. _“Woke up an optimist, sun was shining, I’m positive. Then I heard you were talking trash, hold me back, I’m ‘bout to crash.”_

Cara shot Louis a proud smile as he aced the verse and joined in again for the second chorus. “ _Yeah I’m four, five seconds from wilding, and we’ve got three more days ‘til Friday, I’m just trying to make it back home by Monday morning, I swear. I wish somebody would tell me, oh that’s all I want.”_

Cara took the lead again. _“And I know that you’re up tonight thinking how could I be so selfish. But you called about, a thousand times wondering I am. And I know that you’re up tonight thinking how could I be so reckless but I just can’t apologise, I hope you understand.”_

Louis had altered the original words he and Cara had penned but he didn’t think it matter. _“If I go to jail tonight, promise you’ll help me out, ‘cause they wanna hide my pride, while I want to scream and shout!”_

 The look of surprise at the lyric change on Cara’s face was evident but she didn’t miss her cue to come in again. _“’Cause all of my kindness, is taken for weakness.”_

 _““Yeah I’m four, five seconds from wilding, and we’ve got three more days ‘til Friday, I’m just trying to make it back home by Monday morning, I swear, I wish somebody would tell me, oh that’s all I want. Four, five seconds from wilding, and we’ve got three more days ‘til Friday, I’m just trying to make it back home by Monday morning, I swear, I wish somebody would tell me, oh that’s all I want.”_ There was a beat of silence when the last note ended before Louis and Cara looked at each other in amazement.

 “No fucking way was that a one take wonder?” Louis asked Cara who nodded, eyes wide with happiness.

“We just fucking did it perfectly Tommo!” She grinned.

 “Holy shit.” Louis barely breathed. “Did it record?”

 Cara jumped off of her stool to check and nodded when it had. She stopped recording, saved them both to her laptop and then emailed it to Louis to he could sort it out and go to the label with it. It was unlikely they would say no; it was Jones he’d have to get past but he’d been thinking about a way to do that for a few days now.

“Cara,” he started, “I might need to negotiate with Jones to get the song past him and I think the best I could use against him is if we sold a story that you and I were dating, or at least hinted at it.”

 “My manager asked me about that yesterday when I told him I was recording with you.” Cara nodded. “If that’s what it takes then do it. I don’t fancy you and I don’t want a relationship with you and I wouldn’t ever want to be linked to you romantically in case it ruined anything but...”

 “But if faking it is what it takes then we’ll do it?” Louis checked and Cara nodded. “Next time I speak to him I’ll check.”

 “Okay.” Cara smiled. “What are you up to this afternoon?”

“We are filming some stuff for the tour and then we’re staying up to watch our Late Late Show.” Louis explained. “You?”

 “I’m going to see my girlfriend for lunch.” Cara smiled before frowning as she recalled something. “Is it true you and Harry argued, Kendall mentioned it on the phone last night?”

Louis sighed but nodded, recalling once again how Harry had had looked at him with such disappointment before leaving the room. Louis wished he could go back and just find Harry as soon as the Brits were over and make sure there was no ambiguity about the whole Cara situation. “He thought I was getting it on with you and got jealous.”

“Seriously?” Cara asked in disbelief. “I am setting him straight the next time I talk to him. I wish he’d go easy on you, you ain’t had the smoothest ride these past six months.”

 “Thanks.” Louis smiled and hugged Cara.

“I’m going to see Kendall now, she mentioned Khloé though and I can’t stand her.” Cara tutted but then shrugged. “Never mind, you’re not supposed to like your in-laws aren’t you? Good luck with Jones and good luck with Harry as well Lou, be safe.”

 “I will.” Louis reassured her. “Have fun with Kendall.” He watched as her face lit up almost wistfully, wishing that made him feel that way. There was still a chance, he reminded himself, that Harry and he could sort it out and talk about what was going on.

Louis found the filming for the tour videos boring. It was just a couple of safety notices and the introductory video but the band were told there was more filming to be done when they were back in the UK alongside rehearsals and more promotional appearances. When the filming was finally finished for the day Louis and Will offered to look after Amy so that Kerri could have a night off and eat out with the others. It was Will’s idea but when he asked if Louis would stay back as well Louis had nodded enthusiastically. He’d had so many nights out and hadn’t spent any time with Amy when they’d been in LA, an evening in with her and Will sounded delightful.

 “What do we want for dinner then Amy?” Louis asked when she told the two of them she was hungry. “Pasta, I can cook pasta?”

 “Can I have sausages?” She asked, contemplating the choice she had. “Mummy said she bought sausages and chips for tonight.”

“Yeah, I saw the chips in the freezer earlier.” Will nodded. “And I guess the sausages are in the fridge.”

“Oh, okay.” Louis smiled. It looked like Kerri had made it easy for them, Louis was thankful. He and Will managed to work out the oven and how to cook the chips and sausages in it and once the timer was set they turned to Amy who was dancing around the kitchen while Beyoncé played out on the radio.

 “Do you like this song Amy?” Louis checked and Amy nodded enthusiastically, spinning around and around enough to make Louis feel dizzy. He managed to catch her and scooped her up, scolding her for making him dizzy while she giggled hysterically.

 Will watched fondly, humming along to ‘ _Single Ladies_ ’ as Louis tickled Amy until she was crying with laughter. Will waited until they’d both calmed down and Amy had run to the toilet before asking Louis a careful question.

 “Did you and Ada ever plan for kids?”

Louis couldn’t help but tense up when he heard the question, not wanting to recall the conversations they’d had about spending their lives together. He wasn’t going to lie to Will however so nodded slowly.

 “I gathered as much.” Will nodded when he saw Louis nod. “Adeline mentioned it to Heidi, only a week or so before she died. I think Adeline told her that she was sorry she’d never given you your kid.”

 Louis didn’t look straight at Will when he replied. “Yeah well... we talked about it. We talked about a lot of things, marriage, kids, growing old together but she’s gone. I need to move on.”

 Before Will could ask Louis any more about his and Ada’s plans for kids, Amy had skipped back into the room and was asking Louis for a drink. Louis got her some water and watched as she drank it before looking at the oven and frowning.

 “I’m hungry.”

“There’s only five minutes left love.” Louis reassured her. “What did you do today with Heidi while we were having our photo taken?”

 “We went to the shops.” Amy grinned.

“Yeah? And what did you buy?”

Amy took a second to remember before smiling and launching into a long ramble about the day’s events. “For lunch we went to McDonalds and I had a happy meal and I got a toy guitar in it which plays songs when you press the button and I accidentally left it in Heidi’s handbag, can you ask for it for me later?” Amy turned to Will, remembering the two of them were engaged and it was likely he would see Heidi. Will promised that he would so Amy continued. “After we went to McDonalds we went to a clothes shop and Heidi let me try on pretty dresses but we didn’t buy any and then we went to another shop and I tried on more dresses and pretty shoes and Heidi said I’d get a pretty dress at her wedding because I’m going to be a flower girl but we didn’t buy any there either and then we went to an ice cream shop and ate ice cream and then we came home and now I’m hungry.”

 Louis and Will chuckled as Amy finished her story with a pouty face at the oven and as if by magic it beeped, signalling that Amy’s dinner was cooked. Her eyes lit up like it was Christmas and when Louis reminded her that she needed to wash her hands she disappeared like a shot to do so.

 Kerri wasn’t home by eight so Louis volunteered to put Amy up for bed while Will settled down in front of the TV. Amy of course wanted a bedtime story and after a couple of minutes of searching unsuccessfully for a book Amy didn’t already know off by heart Louis gave up and instead told Amy that he was going to make one up.

 “Is it a scary story?” Amy asked cautiously and Louis shook his head.

“No, it’s a fairy tale.” He told her and at this she settled down. “Can I begin?”

 “Yes.” Amy nodded and Louis took a deep breath and did.

“Once upon a time there was a prince who was born to two very loving parents.” Louis began. “The prince had jet black hair but his heart was made of gold and everyone that ever met him knew it. Then, one day when the Prince was only eight years old both of his parents died in a tragic accident leaving the Prince to go and live with his evil Uncle who ate rats for breakfast. The Prince had no choice but to act as his Uncle’s son and do everything he said and when his Uncle told him he was going to marry the beautiful Princess with ruby red hair the Prince agreed to marry her when he turned eighteen.”

 “Is that it?” Amy asked with a frown and Louis shook his head.

“Then one day, six months before the Prince’s eighteenth birthday he was out buying a brand new outfit when he met a boy, also buying some new robes. The boy had blond hair and scared eyes but when the Prince spoke to him he discovered that the boy was a stable boy and looked scared because his parents wouldn’t let him marry who he wanted. But that wasn’t all, the stable boy also had a heart like the Prince’s, golden and pure. The Prince knew from this moment on that he wasn’t going to marry the girl with the ruby red hair. The Prince approached his Uncle and asked whether instead of marrying the girl with the ruby red hair he could in fact marry the stable boy with the pure heart but his Uncle said no and struck him across the face. The Prince was heartbroken and to make it worse his Uncle forbade him from seeing the stable boy again. It took days of planning but eventually the Prince snuck out and went to meet the stable boy under the moon. He told the stable boy his Uncle said no but that he still wanted to marry him and the stable boy agreed, telling the Prince that he wanted to run away with him so they could marry as soon as they were both eighteen and they made the plans that night, drawn in the dirt in the light of the moon.”

 Louis had been staring at the sky out of the window as he told the story but he looked back to Amy now who was still awake and listening, although her eyes were heavy.

 “So when the night came, the Prince snuck out again and met the stable boy by the same tree and from they walked. They walked through the night through village after village and town after town through many a day and night until they came across a house that was stacked on top of each other that seemed to be held up by magic to prevent it from falling. The Prince and stable boy were exhausted and needed to sleep and rest so they knocked on the door, hoping there would be no witch hidden behind. Instead there was an old woman with a kind smile who offered them that and food. The next morning, she gave them the directions to the next village where the Prince and stable boy would finally be able to live happily and not live in fear of the stable boy’s parents and the Prince’s mean Uncle. So they went to the village and they found a house to live in with money the Prince had saved that his parent’s had left for him and the money the boy had earned from working as a stable boy. And on the Prince’s eighteenth birthday they found a church and they married and from then on they lived happily ever after, safe from everyone that didn’t want them to be together. They had a beautiful house and a beautiful garden and created a beautiful family that meant their story was passed down for generations, allowing them to live forever through their tale.”

 Amy’s eyes were closed when Louis finished his story so he rose from where he was perched at the end of her bed and kissed her forehead, wishing her sweet dreams. If Louis ever had his own children then he would make sure they knew they were safe no matter what their race, religion, gender or sexuality was but for now the best he had was Amy and it was vital she knew she’d be loved and wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did the lyric change in FourFiveSeconds go alright? I think it worked, tell me if it didn't. Also that fairytale was inspired by Drarry because my friend Amelia has had almost two months of me rambling on about this fic now and she is a huge Drarry shipper (she also got a character named after her back in like chapter four and Amy's name was also partly inspired, she doesn't know this yet) but if you like Drarry stuff go and follow her on tumblr @beautiful-ferret and read her stuff @allmadhere1225 on here :)  
> I think I've forgotten to say something... that's never a good feeling.  
> ANYWAY please leave kudos and comments (I will read and reply to all of them) and follow me @written-with-no-end on tumblr. Also if you liked the fic then please share it and also subscribe if you want to be updated with new chapters (which come roughly every fortnight)
> 
> xx


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a lot of talk of death in this chapter so if that is a trigger then please be careful. Also a massive thank you yet again to my lovely beta Mira who is a life saver with my stupid mistakes and typos with this fic. Now go and enjoy xx

They didn’t get away with their Late Late Show interview.

 “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?” Heidi, Kerri, Adam, Louis, Olly, Will and Finn were sat around the coffee table where on the phone on loud speaker, Jones was shouting very angrily. The show had only just aired but the second The Rogues’ segment had ended Jones had rung Kerri’s phone and demanded that everyone listen. “Heidi.” Jones began with a bark. “Why was he allowed to ask about Harry?”

“He didn’t tell me he was going to do that.” Heidi replied calmly. “And I couldn’t intervene once the question was asked either, the show was filmed in front of a live audience, there were fans who would have told others I’d intervened when Harry was asked about which would have raised suspicions. I personally think Louis handled the situation well and stuck to the story that’s been sold.”

 “HE CONTRADICTED THE STORY THAT’S BEEN SOLD!” Jones shouted back and Louis spoke up for Heidi, not wanting her to be unfairly punished for his actions.

 “I’m not going to lie.” Louis told Jones. “People saw we were talking at the Brits, people saw that we’re friends and I don’t see why that’s so wrong. _You_ are the one that told the papers to write about this ‘secret’ conflict but if you’d let the story run that we’d been drunk when we kissed and we were over it then the entire thing would have been forgotten about in a couple of days. It was you who made sure that our names were put together in the headlines and were linked and naturally people are going to ask questions if we apparently hate each other and yet kissed.”

 “YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LIE!” Jones shouted back, obviously ignoring Louis’ thought out reasoning. There was a beat of uncomfortable silence before: “I’m moving the baby date forward, the story will run that you’ve impregnated Briana this week and it will drop in nine weeks.”

 “What the fuck?” Louis asked, head snapping up. “No!”

“What difference does it make?” Jones asked Louis with a poisonous tone. “The story is going to run no matter what you say and surely it’s better to get it out of the way? The longer we put off dropping it, the longer you’ll have to pretend to be expecting with her.”

 “I don’t want to fake a baby!” Louis shouted down the phone, not even caring at the reasoning behind it anymore. “Why don’t you get Finn to do it instead? He’s the gay one with a boyfriend.” Louis reminded Jones. “I had a girlfriend and because she was black you wanted her to be hidden and you kept up the Eleanor façade and guess what, people continued to see through it. Now you’ve ended it and instead of just letting me be and letting people think whatever, you’re planning on something else which will just make the entire thing more obviously fake.” It was stupid. The entire world of the media was stupid and it was times like this Louis wished he’d never even sought to be in a successful band. He loved performing and making music with three of his best friends but it was every other detail that came with it. The contracts he’d had to sign, the things he had to fake and say and the shitty feeling he got when Jones reminded him he’d signed his life away to Jones Mgmt at the age of eighteen and still had ten months until he got it back.

 “Louis, you are faking this baby whether you like it or not.” Jones told him firmly. “If you don’t then you have breached the contract and I can sue you for every penny you are worth. The band could get dropped which means the four of you plus every crew member that works for you is out of a job and I will personally make sure it is difficult for you to find a new one.”

There was an icy silence and it was then when Louis decided to bring up his song with Cara.

“I am going to release a song with Cara Delevingne.” He told Jones. He’d mentioned it at the photoshoot to everyone else who’d all been up for it but this was going to be the tough one.

 The silence from Jones’ end of the line continued until: “You want to release a song with Cara Delevingne?”

 “I am not asking for your permission,” Louis clarified, “this song will be released it is just a matter of whether I will have your management support with advertising or not. If you do not want to help this song will be released without your aid but I will find a way to release it with Cara, I am simply warning you that this is going to happen.”

 Louis had done his research during the day. He’d checked with his agent back in London what the exact terms of his contract with Jones Mgmt was and although Jones controlled pretty much everything Louis was seen to do by the media, music released was a grey area because in that area it was ultimately the record company that had the final word and Jones could be overruled. Louis had then phoned the label and told them although the song wouldn’t be released with the label, Louis wanted to make sure they knew he was going to do it and check that he was allowed. The label had told Louis that yes he was allowed because as individuals, the label had no power over them and that had gotten Louis thinking, did Jones hold power over them as individuals. He’d gotten his agent to check and his agent had confirmed that Jones’ contract only had power with Louis Tomlinson from The Rogues. It was a strange matter but if it was Louis Tomlinson on his own, Jones didn’t really have a leg to stand on although it would be very easy to call it a breach of a contract if Louis did do something like out himself while working as a solo entity. Louis hadn’t quite wrapped his own brain around it but was pretty sure he could use that as leverage if the worst came to the worst. Of course there was also the Cara romance to consider and Louis felt like he’d have far more success with that.

 “Tomlinson,” Jones started and Louis waited with baited breath, “are you romantically involved with Cara?”

 Louis wasn’t entirely sure whether he imagined the hint of hope in Jones’ voice but could imagine that if he said yes, Jones would be rubbing his hands with glee. “I am not.” Louis told him truthfully. “We are good friends and we wrote a song together and are going to release it independently. We are happy to organise our own promotion through social media and neither of us need any support from you. Because it is not with The Rogues you have no authoritative power to prevent it from happening and in my defence it is just good publicity and you could probably twist it quite well if you gave it a second thought.”

 Jones considered Louis’ proposition. It took him a few moments and Louis knew that he was trying to work out anyway of preventing Louis from doing this his way but eventually Jones spoke up again. “You being involved with Cara to the public would mess up with the baby story unless...” Louis knew what he was thinking – unless there was a huge scandal surrounding it that would earn Louis and consequently the band a whole lot of publicity and media during their tour and ready for their album in the Autumn. “If you were to publically date Cara, the baby story could run as a huge scandal or we could run the story that it happened before Cara... or...” Louis could tell Jones was struggling to pick a favourite idea.

 “How about we never publically confirm a relationship with Cara, just sow a lot of seeds?” Louis suggested. “The ambiguity of our friendship could maybe spur it further, keep people hanging on to see whether we do actually confirm it and then when the baby news drops we decide then on whether Cara is sticking around for the baby or not?”

 The likelihood of Jones actually agreeing with Louis’ idea was slim to none, in the four years of Jones managing Louis he’d never once taken into account what Louis had suggested so when Jones said “Yes” Louis thought he misheard him.

 “Yes?”

 “Yes.” Jones repeated. “I like the idea of the ambiguous relationship, it’s been proven to be very successful in the past. When the baby news drops you and Cara could have a public argument or on the other hand be spotted looking at baby stuff together and people could speculate about the two of you sticking together through all of the drama. What could also be good publicity is if a rumour about you leaving the band ran.”

 All four members of the band shouted “No!” but Jones carried on talking.

 “You releasing a solo song will obviously start rumours, especially as you are the front man and arguably the most famous member. People will think you have got big headed and are sick of sharing the fame, that could prove to be very effective. We’re going to rumour that this is your last album anyway which means it will have more attention but if people think maybe you’re going solo – it’ll certainly get people talking.”

 “I don’t want to get people talking.” Louis told Jones but it fell on deaf ears. “What about the end of the baby?” He then asked, not liking that he didn’t know how that would all end because if the story ran that he’d impregnated Briana now, the baby would be due in the autumn, before The Rogues’ contract with Jones was up.

 “There are three options, my favourite is the last one. The first one is the story that Briana loses the baby in the summer, right around when your debut single from the new album will drop.” Louis didn’t like it. “That way we can run the story about how that really drove you to perfecting the album and putting all of your negative energy into it and make everyone excited for it.”

 “No.” Louis told Jones clearly. “It’s sick to pretend to lose a baby when so many people fight to have children.”

 “So you wouldn’t want a story to be run that Briana aborted the baby because she didn’t want the publicity?”

 “No.” Louis shook his head, his hands getting clammy. “Nothing about abortions at all, please.”

“Are you pro-life Louis?” Finn asked from across the room.

 “Not at all, I just-,” Louis didn’t want to tell the truth. “I think pretending a baby has died or been terminated is horrible when others go through all sorts of trauma or have no choice about it.” Louis needed them to know he couldn’t do it and asked desperately: “What is the third option?”

 “This one is my preferred one.” Jones told Louis but Louis didn’t care what Jones thought, he didn’t want either of the previous stories to run. “Briana will challenge you on custardy rights very publically in October, right before the baby is born, and a story will leak that she slept with more than person during the week of the conception and it will transpire that the baby isn’t yours. This will all happen a week before the album is released so you can address how heartbroken you are in all of the interviews.”

  “That one.” Louis said definitely. “I- the baby won’t be mine. That’s fine. I can do that one. Are we done here?”

 It was almost two o’clock in the morning and the band were flying back to England tomorrow, Louis just wanted to be alone now.

 “That’s everything, I’ll see you in person in a couple of days and we’ll discuss final details then. You’re free to go.”

 “Thank you.” Louis muttered and was on his feet before the call had been ended. Olly looked to him with worry.

 “Are you okay Lou? You don’t look alright.”

“I’m fine.” Louis snapped. “I’m just tired and I need to sleep – it’s been a busy and stressful few days.”

They more or less accepted his answer and allowed him to disappear pretty much immediately so Louis could curl up under his duvet and just cry – cry about what could have been and what almost had.

_Almost._

Almost was a horrible word. When something came so close but it didn’t happen – Louis hated the word with a passion. Three hundred and eight days. That was all Louis had left with Jones, that was all he would have to pretend to be who the media thought he was. Three hundred and eight days. He was almost free.

 Louis was almost asleep, it was now three twenty-seven in the morning and the house was silent and dark when Louis’ phone rang.

 He’d not put it on silent while he slept like he usually did and he groped around for it on his bedside table before pressing ‘accept’ so he could tell whoever it was to piss off and let him be.

There was a beat of silence before:

“Louis?” The surprise in Harry’s voice was evident and Louis almost dropped his phone when he realised who it was. It had been over a week since the Brit awards now and Harry was in the UK where it was past midday. “Louis, I’m so sorry, please listen to me and don’t hang up.”

 Louis needed to hear Harry say it and know what he’d done wrong. He kept his voice emotionless and prayed that it didn’t sound like he’d just been crying for an hour. “What are you sorry for?”

“For what I said about you and Cara.” Harry told Louis, his voice was cracking which Louis hadn’t expected. “I was slightly drunk and pissed off anyway, it was just you I lashed out at and I’m sorry. You really didn’t deserve it.”

 It was comforting to hear that it really wasn’t Louis in the wrong but he wasn’t going to say ‘Oh, that’s alright’ because it wasn’t okay. Louis had spent sleepless nights doubting himself and wondering whether he’d deserved Harry’s anger, he’d doubted self-worth and he hadn’t done anything to deserve it.

 “Did you see that I kissed someone?” Louis asked Harry, not wanting it to go un-talked about.

“I did see.” Harry nodded before asking in very quick succession. “Did it go any further with him?”

 “No.” Louis admitted but he wanted to get back at Harry somehow. “He was nice though, I got his number. He’s called Jack and he lives near the Olympic park.”

 “Will you see him again?” Would Louis? He hadn’t ever considered the possibility of going further with Jack but it was Harry asking.

“If I want to cause a stir again maybe seeing as you don’t seem to want to do that anymore. He knows I’m in the closet and was using him, I told him before we kissed.”

 “I saw you on the Late Late Show.” Harry then told Louis, “I got up early to watch it illegally streamed online.”

 “What did you think?” Louis asked, trying to remember what he’d said about Harry, luckily Harry reminded him.

 “ _I become quite flirtatious when I’m drunk and it obviously did something for Harry._ ” Louis bit his lip nervously, unsure how Harry would have reacted to that. “My management is going to flip.”

 “It’s not wrong.” Louis defended himself.

“I know.” Harry agreed. “You’re flirtatious even when you’re not drunk though, and you do stuff for me even when you’re not flirting but McGee has already tried phoning once and I ignored it.”

 “I do stuff for you?” Louis asked and Harry fell silent, a silence that was uneasy and unfillable until eventually Harry asked:

 “When are you coming home?” The mood had changed and Louis wanted to just throw his phone away and start the conversation all over again. He and Harry did this every time, avoided what they really needed to talk about but talking to Harry about nothing now was better than not talking to him at all.

 “Later today. We’ll land late at night and I’m going to Wales with my Mum for Saturday night.”

 “Wales?” Harry sounded surprised. “I was going to ask you around so we could talk.” Louis wasn’t sure he could face that right now.

“Sorry Haz, I’m going away with my Mum. We’re going to stay with Adeline’s parents and visit where we scattered her ashes. I haven’t seen my Mum for months and I haven’t been back to Wales since we scattered the ashes. It’s Ada’s birthday on Saturday and we have a meeting on Sunday evening so it’s a really quick trip.”

 “Can I come with you?” Harry tried, “I feel really shit about what I said and did.”

 “No... I think I just need a bit of time with my Mum and with myself.” Louis told Harry firmly. “It’s three in the morning here, I need to sleep.”

 “Oh, yeah, sorry.” Harry sighed. “Ring me when you’re back from Wales, I want to apologise in person for what I did and said.”

 “Yeah, I will.” Louis nodded.

“I really am sorry Louis; I don’t like not talking to you.” Harry seriously needed to stop because Louis' heart was aching in his chest.

 “Harry, can I sleep?” Louis asked desperately and Harry apologised yet again before saying goodbye and letting Louis put the phone down.

 When the call had ended he turned his phone off and chucked it onto the floor. Why did Harry do this to him? Why did Harry remind Louis why he was drawn to him when Louis was on the verge of letting the feeling go?

 

Louis was woken by Amy not even two hours later by her jumping onto his bed; it was a tactic often used by Kerri to ensure there was minimal grouchiness and swearing when she woke the band.

 “Louis, we’re going home today.” Amy grinned. Louis smiled at her happy face before looking at his clock – it was just past six, he’d had little over an hour of sleep and just wanted to hide under the duvet. “You need to wake up.”

 “Okay.” Louis smiled. “Let me get dressed and packed up and I’ll be down in a bit.”

Amy nodded and skipped back out of the room, humming along to Little Mix as she did so.

 It took a huge amount of effort for Louis even to sit up and when he did so he trudged to the shower and spent a long period of time just with his head down under the hot stream of water, watching it swirl around the plug hole. Louis didn’t bother to do his hair or even consider any make up when he got out of the shower. He pulled on some clean boxers, a pair of tracksuit bottoms and his grey _The Rogues_ hoodie that he liked to travel in. He shoved everything he could find into his suitcases and was downstairs ready to leave by seven A.M like he’d been instructed to. There were two cars taking them to the airport and on any other day Louis would have opted to travel with Kerri and Amy but he didn’t feel like it today so climbed into the car with Finn, Olly and Heidi, knowing they’d leave him be and wouldn’t pester him.

 When they reached the airport Louis didn’t even look to the fans, let alone go and say hi to a few of them. He walked straight past and let the others do the fan-service that Louis was usually so eager to perform. Once on the plane Louis found a seat away from where everyone else was sat, put his hood up and plugged in his headphones. He found an old playlist from his phone and clicked play, regretting his choice immediately.

  _Beside You_ by 5 Seconds of Summer started playing and Louis was immediately transported to the nights of missing Adeline when she’d been in the UK seriously ill and he’d been dragged kicking and screaming to the other side of the world. _I wish I was beside you._ Louis didn’t miss just Adeline’s presence, he realised, he missed having someone. He missed having someone he trusted and could rely on because right now he needed to talk to someone about everything and there was no one he could bring himself to speak to. _The pieces of us both, under every city light, and they’re shining as we fade into the night._ The lyrics pulled on Louis’ heart strings as he remembered the ghost of Adeline he’d last seen. How her dark skin had looked paler, her curly hair had drooped and the light behind her eyes had been fading fast when he’d made it to her side.

 Louis wasn’t sure how he made it through the plane journey if he was honest with himself. He must have fallen asleep eventually because for the second time that day Amy was waking him up.

 “Louis, we’re here.”

Louis opened his bleary eyes and saw Kerri and Amy smiling at him, both looking exhausted.

 “What’s the time?” He asked.

“Midnight.” Kerri told him. “Give or take a couple of minutes, c’mon, we need to get off the plane.”

 “Okay.” Louis nodded. He stood and got used to using his legs again before following Kerri and Amy off the plane and meeting up with the rest of their entourage once off of the plane.

 “We’re leaving out of the back entrance.” Kerri told them, “We’re all too tired for any fans that might be there. Cars have been organised to take you home, Olly, Will and Heidi are sharing, Louis and Finn are as well like usual. You have until Sunday evening off and then we have a PR meeting with Jones ready for a packed week of promo.” Kerri told them this with faux enthusiasm, Amy already drifting off in her arms and they all, full of fatigue, made their way out of the back entrance to their allocated cars.

 Louis wasn’t sure whether Finn would try and talk to him in the car but didn’t say anything to him either. They road in silence, Finn texting someone who was probably James and Louis watching the world pass by, numb to any of its significance. It was when they were in the lift heading up to their flat that Finn did speak up.

 “You can speak to us you know,” he began, “like Olly, Will and I, we want to be here for you.”

“I know.” Louis nodded and smiled weakly. He knew that, he just didn’t want to dampen their own happy lives with the shit he was still trying to work through. “Hopefully going to Wales will help, I need to get away, even if it’s just for a night.”

 “When are you heading off?”

“Mum’s getting an early train from Doncaster and then I’m going to drive us both to Ada’s parents. I’ll be out of the house by nine so I should probably sleep. Is James going to come round tomorrow?”

 Finn blushed and smiled. “Yeah, I figured if you were gone.”

“No glove, no love.” Louis smiled and Finn chuckled as the lift opened.

 “We’re a bit past that stage Lou and it’s not like either of us are going to get pregnant.”

“Yeah.” Louis murmured hollowly. “Have fun with him, just don’t piss off the neighbours.”

Finn laughed at Louis’ warning, not detecting yet another change in Louis’ mood and when they finally made it back home Louis went straight back to his bed and flopped into it, asleep in mere seconds.

 Louis’ alarm woke him at seven and at half past eight he was ready at Kings Cross station with a cheap cup of tea clutched in his hand. He had his hood up just in case and was mildly aware that he looked like he was living on the street but he didn’t care. He was going to see his Mum for the first time in too long and he was nervous.

 He knew he’d changed since they’d last met and he quite frankly felt like a shell of his former self but what would Jay do? Would she insist on taking him back home with her and nursing him better, would she just watch him worriedly while he told her about his life or would she just be the Mum he needed right now, one that would tell him how his sisters and brother were and any old Donny gossip he’d missed so he could feel like himself again?

 Jay’s train arrived at 8.34 and when he saw a train pulling into the platform he chucked his tea in the bin and stood to wait at the gate, searching the faces climbing off for the one he knew best – and she was there. He saw her struggle off the train with her suitcase and watched as she made her way to the gate; she hadn’t seen Louis yet but her eyes were searching for Louis, he could see it. She spotted him only a couple of metres away from the gate and her face lit up like the sun. She sped up her walk and struggled through the gate until she was there, holding Louis tightly in her arms while he held onto her as well, needing the stability.

 When Jay finally let go of him, it was with a cross sob.

“Don’t you ever not see me for this long again Louis.” She scolded before pulling him in for another tight hug, mumbling into his shoulder, “I’ve been worried sick.”

 “I’m sorry Mum.” Louis apologised and he truly was. “How’s home?”

“Never mind that, why the hell haven’t you let me come and see you for what feels like decade? Why are you so skinny? You look tired Louis; have you been sleeping properly?”

 “I’ve been in LA, it’s jet lag.” Louis muttered.

“Have you been smoking much?” Jay asked now, sniffing Louis’ hoodie and truthfully he hadn’t lit a cigarette since he and Harry had smoked on the balcony – that must be some kind of record for Louis.

 “No, I haven’t been drinking that much either. I’ve just been a bit depressed again, there’s shit stuff going on with work.”

 “I will sue that man one day.” Jay sighed. “Are we going straight to Wales then in time for lunch or do I get to see your band mates?”

 “We’re going straight there.” Louis apologised. “I just need to get away as soon as possible?”

At this Jay’s face reverted once again to worry. “You haven’t fallen out with them have you Lou?”

 “No.” Louis shook his head. “I just want to go straight away.” It was a hard feeling to explain but something was drawing him back to the Welsh coastline that had been Adeline’s final resting place and it was becoming harder and harder to resist.

 “Okay then.” Jay smiled. “Let’s go then.”

Louis had parked relatively close to the station and he took the case of his mother like a true son. She did fill his ears with tales of Daisy’s riding lessons and Phoebe stealing Fizzy’s make-up. She told Louis that Lottie was enjoying her work as Lou Teasdale’s assistant and was still pissed off that she’d not been allowed to go to the Brits with her (but Louis stuck by his word that she was too young to go) and that Fizzy had a new boyfriend.

 When Jay had finished telling Louis about Rishi (who sounded like a nice guy) she began with a “What about you-,” and Louis cut her off.

 “Not now Mum, not when we’re going to see Ada.”

“Oh, yeah, okay.” Jay nodded apologetically. “Are you nervous?”

 “Yeah, I’m shitting myself.” Louis told his mother as they reached the car. “I haven’t spoken to Trevor or Diana since we scattered the ashes apart from organising this trip and I haven’t been back and- what if I don’t feel any better after this trip? What if I feel worse?”

 “I don’t think you will.” Jay offered. “I think you’ve got a lot of confused emotions and this might just help to relieve some of them. I also think you’ve spent a lot of time in denial about how much you need your Mum.”

 “I think I have.” Louis agreed and he let Jay kiss his cheek before starting the engine. He was already feeling more human again.

The drive up to Wales passed easily. They put on the radio and sang along to songs together, Louis shared celebrity gossip he’d learnt and told his Mum about his song with Cara, Jones’ want to out Finn and James for album promo and his own job of faking a baby and how Jones had actually considered faking a miscarriage.

 “Wait, Jones wants you to fake a baby?” Jay asked in horror and Louis nodded grimly.

“I met the girl in LA and the story will run that I impregnated at some point this past week. Eventually it’ll turn out that it’s not mine but that won’t be until November.”

 “Louis, when did you find this out?” Jay asked and he tried to remember.

“A couple of weeks ago.” He shrugged and Jay’s eyes opened wide in shock.

 “And you never told me? Louis, why ever not?”

Louis shrugged, keeping his eyes trained on the road. “I just... I did that thing where I just worry about things in my head and never talk about them.”

 “How many other things have you been doing this with?” Jay asked in her concerned mother voice and the lie came easily.

 “Not much, just that really. It’s sort of a big deal isn’t it?”

“It’s a huge deal!” Jay argued back. “Why the hell wasn’t Eleanor kept around instead of this baby bullshit? I liked her.”

 “I know Mum.” Louis shrugged. “But I haven’t got any choice, believe me I’ve tried to fight it as much as possible but it’s all set in stone.”

 “I don’t like it.” Jay frowned. “I don’t think that’s an acceptable thing to fake.”

 “I don’t like it either,” Louis shrugged, “but it’s going to happen whether we like it or not.”

It was a four-hour drive to the town where Adeline’s parents still lived and when Louis and Jay eventually drew up outside the Compton’s house it was to the delicious smell of a roast dinner. If Louis hadn’t felt so obligated to be a good guest, he would have set off down the road right now until he reached the bench he was longing for but instead he and Jay knocked on the door and waited for Adeline’s parents to answer.

 Louis had always been fond of Trevor and Diana Compton. When you were with them it was easy to be reminded of Adeline’s infectious easy going life and wicked humour and that was one of the reasons Louis had actively avoided speaking to them since her death, it was too hard to be reminded of what he no longer had.

 Trevor was six foot five and towered over Louis with his tied back dreadlocks and askew glasses when he pulled him in for a hug. Diana was short Welsh woman with short brown hair and the same blue eyes as Adeline (Louis had always found beauty in the contrast between her dark skin and blue eyes) that were full of love and kindness. Ada had been a perfect blend of her parents physically and mentally – she had had her mother’s wickedness and sharp tongue but had also had her father’s academic brains and perceptiveness.

 “I’ve missed you Louis.” Diana told him as she held him tightly on the doorstep to their small cottage. They were only a road back from the sea front and the salty air was filling Louis’ nostrils in a familiar way. Although he and Adeline hadn’t spent a huge amount of time at her parent’s because of their busy schedules it had been enough time to make this cottage feel like home.

 “I’ve missed you too Di.” Louis told her truthfully, and then nodded across to Trevor, “and you.”

“We’re glad to have you back.” Trevor smiled in return. “Gus just ran to the shops with Piper to get some milk; he’ll be back in a couple of minutes.”

 “Gus is here?” Louis asked in surprise. Gus was Adeline’s brother, two years her junior, and had been at university in Birmingham the last Louis knew. Piper, the family’s dog, was always home; he was an old border collie whose favourite hobby was chasing after seagulls in the surf.

 “Gus is home for the weekend.” Diana told Louis. “He wanted to see you and of course be home for Ada’s birthday.”

 Louis realised that that made a lot of sense and smiled before he and Jay followed Trevor and Diana into their cottage, Trevor ducking through the doorways in a way Louis remembered fondly and Trevor immediately called Jay into the kitchen to get her opinion on the gravy.

 “I still can’t cook.” Diana sighed at Louis as the two of them were left in the living room. Louis allowed himself to grow familiar once again with sights, smells and sounds of his late girlfriend’s second home. He could feel Diana’s eyes trained on him as he spun on the spot in the room and he halted as his eyes fell on the fireplace. In the centre of the mantelpiece, where there had once been a photo of Trevor and Diana on their wedding day, now stood a photo from Adeline’s birthday last year when Louis, Adeline and Gus had gone to a castle in the midlands called Warwick Castle and at the top of the tallest tower had gotten a stranger to take a photo of them on Gus’ professional camera in front of the view. Louis had completely forgotten that photo had been taken and hadn’t ever seen it before but it was there now in the centre of Trevor and Diana’s mantelpiece as the pride of their home.

 “Do you want a copy?”

Gus’ nervous voice came from Louis’ right and Louis had completely missed him and Piper coming home but he turned now and saw Gus, only a few inches taller than him but with coffee coloured skin, loose curls and kind dark eyes.

 “Yes, that’d be nice.” Louis nodded with a cracked voice before hugging Gus tightly. He didn’t realise he was crying until he’d pulled out of Gus’ grip and needed to wipe his eyes. Gus was crying too, a couple of tears streaming down his cheek and the two of them laughed awkwardly at the mess they were in.

 “Don’t ignore my texts next time, yeah?” Gus asked and Louis nodded in agreement, it had been a bad move.

“I won’t. How’s university?”

 And all of a sudden it was like no time had passed since the funeral. When the five of them sat down around the table for the Roast Dinner Louis didn’t find it too hard to ignore the empty chair and he told them all about how his time in LA had been in return for their own stories of what was happening in the village, how university life was going at the moment for Gus and how Jay was struggling in how to raise one year olds again after the large age gap between her two sets of twins. Louis wasn’t put upon a pedestal around the Compton family despite his abnormal job and the way the treated him as well as the familiarity of their family just reinforced how human Louis was beginning to feel again.

 After lunch was when they got their shoes and coats back on and went for a walk. The town Trevor and Diana lived in had a long beach and at the South end of the beach was a coastal path to the next town. It was along this path where the bench Adeline and Louis had shared their first kiss was and it was also where they’d scattered Adeline’s ashes when the time had come to say goodbye.

 The six of them fell quiet as the approached the bench – even Piper – and on the railings between the path on the sea was a plaque Louis had only seen once before but it’s words were engraved in his brain.

_Adeline Diana Compton_

_28 th February 1992 – 14th November 2014_

_A daughter, sister, lover and friend was lost and a spark in our lives went out_

_She deserved to live a life that was written with no end but the book sadly closed_

Jay’s arm reached around Louis’ waist and he put his own arm around her shoulders for support. This was what this whole trip was about – this was about him coming back to what had been his home for so long. Right now it seemed like a stupid idea: Louis was coming back to the reminder that what had made him strong for so long was gone and he’d have to move on from it because there was no changing the past.

 Trevor and Diana had bought flowers and put them underneath the plaque now, both deep in silent thought. Gus was stood by himself, just watching the waves on the horizon, his curly hair blowing in the wind and all it reminded Louis of was Harry.

 It felt wrong thinking of Harry when he was stood here at such a significant place but Harry kept returning to him. Soft Harry who’d been brave and apologised, something Louis was often too proud to do himself. Sweet Harry who’d wanted to not only apologise but to talk things through in person to make sure there was no confusion left.

 “Are you alright Lou?” Jay asked quietly as Louis’ grip on her shoulder tightened. He nodded, no tears left to fall. The symbolism of this place was lost on Louis now because all it was really was a bench on a sea front and a plaque attached to a railing. What was symbolic about that?

 Adeline deserved a statue built for her, she deserved for her experiences to be made into films and she deserved to have novels written about her. Why did she only have a plaque?

 And now Louis was angry, angry that someone who’d deserved so much had only received so little. She’d deserved a long life full of happiness and love and she’d been given a tumour and death at the age of twenty-two. Life was unfair and it scared Louis that at any moment someone could be given a death sentence by their doctor when they had so much to live for.

 Why wasn’t he making the most of his life right now? Why was he getting hung up on his confusion over Harry and caring about the fact Jones wanted him in the closet? Why wasn’t he fighting right now for what he wanted because if he died tomorrow he’d have a hell of a lot of unfinished business.

 Life’s too short.

Louis stayed when everyone else left. He was cold and in desperate need of a cup of tea but he didn’t want to leave. It was cliché and he hadn’t ever imagined himself doing this but when he was alone, sat back on the bench he’d first kissed Adeline on with Piper running around their feet, he spoke to her.

 “I miss you.” It was a rubbish first line but Louis’ imagination wasn’t exactly at a high at the moment. He needed to tell someone, he needed to get all of his confused feelings about Harry off of his chest. “I kissed someone else, well two other people but Jack doesn’t really count. I kissed Harry Styles from White Eskimo except he isn’t Harry Styles from White Eskimo anymore, he’s just Harry. I did more than kiss him though Ada, I had sex with him and we’ve spoken quite a lot and... I don’t know where I stand. It’s not like you where we just let everything come out in a rush of words after we kissed, it’s confusing and I don’t know whether it’s just for the media or not because he doesn’t ever say.”

 Then Louis tried to imagine how Adeline would react if Louis had ever told her that while she was still here. She’d probably tell him just to tell Harry anyway because knowing was better than guessing.

 “But I don’t know what to tell him.” Louis replied. “Because I think I want to go further but... but I don’t know whether I’m ready to leave you behind.”

 Life’s too short.

 “I think I’ll regret it if I don’t.” Louis told Adeline. “But I’d feel guilty if I moved on.”

How would Louis feel if he was dead and it was Adeline.

 “But if it was me, I wouldn’t want you to sit around moping that I was gone, I’d want you to go and make the most of the life you still had.”

 Why did everything seem so straight forward here? Why couldn’t Louis ever think like this when he was actually making decisions.

 Louis sat on the bench watching the sea for longer than he’d thought he was because Jay returned for him, telling Louis that Trevor and Gus had gone to get fish and chips for them and that Louis should probably come back now.

 “In a minute.” Louis sighed and Jay just rolled her eyes and sat down beside him, resting her head on his shoulder.

 “I was so worried about you when she died.” Jay told Louis. “Especially when you never came home for Christmas.”

 “I needed to get away.” Louis told Jay truthfully. “I would have been a real damper if I had been at home, I didn’t want to ruin your Christmas.”

 “There was still an empty chair around the table.” Jay sighed before turning to face Louis. “Am I allowed to ask about your private life now?” Jay asked, settling on the bench next to Louis. “Am I allowed to ask about Harry now?” _Yeah, why not?_

 “I don’t know what’s going on,” Louis told truthfully. “But I need to talk to Harry properly, face to face.”

 “Talk to him about what?” Jay asked.

“About...” Louis hesitated and then sighed. “I don’t just want to be his publicity stunt.”

 “You want to stop it?” Jay had gotten it completely wrong.

“No- like... I want it to be more.” Louis told Jay. “I want... I just want Harry. Like... emotionally and personally and...” Louis blushed, “physically I guess. I want a relationship with him.”

 “Does he know this?” Jay probed and Louis shook his head, spilling everything.

“We had the chance to talk about it and instead just shagged on his sofa and since then there’s not been the right time. It needs to be said in person and I’ll see him when I can but... I’m scared Mum.”

 “Scared of what?”

 “Scared that I’ve read it wrong. This all started because he wanted to fuck up the media for a bit and knew that I was in a similar position to him. I thought we were getting somewhere once. He told me how he’d realised he was gay when he was sixteen but that same year White Eskimo got picked up and signed a contract promising they would all pretend to be straight just like us in The Rogues did so the only person he’s ever had a real relationship with is a Radio DJ ten years older than him and even that was just to get out his sexual frustration. What if I’m just another Nick Grimshaw?”

 Jay didn’t look surprised by this and instead smiled like everything made sense. “Well that explains a lot.”

 “What does that explain? Nick emotionally abused him and now he’s too fucked up to talk about anything? I don’t think it was ever like that Mum...”

 “I don’t think that’s what it is.” Jay shook her head and sat back, staring out at the sea. “Think about it Louis. If the only thing he’s had close to a relationship is sex with Nick, then he’s not going to know anything about how adult relationships actually work. You’ve had four successful relationships and know all of the ins and outs of how any relationship works. You’ve entered relationships in all different ways and had them ended in various ways as well Louis. If you’re scared, think of how Harry’s feeling.” 

“I still don’t understand.” Louis admitted and Jay sighed at Louis’ confusion.

 “Let’s start with you and Hannah. You were together for eighteen months, you went to school together and you’d fancied each other for months before your friends pushed you together. That worked out and only ended because of university, The Rogues and the two of you grew older and apart. You and Aiden, you told me that the two of you got together because you were both involved in music and liked being around each other. You broke up because that’s what Simon Jones wanted so he made it impossible for you to ever see each other. You and Alex- you saw Alex in a different light to anyone you’d ever seen before and your eyes literally lit up when you saw them. Alex felt the same way to you and I couldn’t believe it when you told me they were moving to Australia.”

 “Me neither.” Louis admitted quietly. “I cried in their arms for three nights straight but Alex wanted a modelling career and missed Australia. I wasn’t going to take that away from them.”

 “It was a grown up decision to make.” Jay nodded. “And Adeline.” Jay concluded with. “You liked Adeline, she liked you and you talked about it and were planning decades into the future with her. You ended because cancer took her.”

Louis still didn’t understand what point Jay was trying to prove. “Mum, why are you reminding me of all of my failures of relationships?” Louis asked and Jay rolled her eyes.

 “What part of your relationships with Hannah, Aiden, Alex or Adeline was a failure?”

“That part where Hannah and I knew we wouldn’t be able to keep it together at university because we were too young, that part where neither Aiden or I was prepared to fight with Jones for our relationship, that part when Alex moved to the other side of the world from me and we both knew we wouldn’t keep up a long distance thing.”

“Louis, none of those were failures. How many of your exes, excluding Ada, do you still talk to civilly?”

“All of them.” Louis muttered, unsure where this was going.

 “How many have you fallen out with?” Jay then asked.

“None of them.” Louis told Jay, still in the dark.

 “Louis- you are better at relationships than I am now. If anyone is going to teach Harry about relationships and how to talk about his feelings, it’s you.”

 “But Mum...” Louis started but didn’t know how to finish. Jay was right.

“One day you’re going to get married.” Jay reassured Louis. “I know you will because you’re a young, good looking, kind man that’s so full of love and so ready to start a family with someone. You’re going to fall in love with someone so much that you’re going to be prepared to spend an eternity and more with them and raise a family and you’ll get what you’ve always wanted.”

 “I almost did,” Louis muttered, “and then Adeline died.”

“It doesn’t mean it can’t happen again.” Jay sighed. “Talk to Harry and tell him how you feel. You deserve some happiness after the past year Louis.”

 “Okay.” Louis nodded. “Shall we go and get dinner now?”

Jay nodded and kissed Louis’ cheek. “I love you Boo bear.”

“I love you too Mum.” Louis smiled and kissed her cheek in return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was that good? Please comment and leave kudos or message me on tumblr if you thought so xx  
> Now about these chapter updates: I have a lot of exams that start on the 16th of May and finish on the 24th of June in all honesty I haven't done nearly enough work for them. Because of this I really need to knuckle down with school work and make sure I have done enough preparation so I don't know how often this chapter will be updated from now on.  
> This is in no way me telling you that I am abandoning this fic (too much time and effort has been put into it and I have written the end, I just need to write the middle bits), this is instead recommending that you subscribe so that you get email updates for when I post a new chapter and that you follow me on tumblr @written-with-no-end because I will most probably be keeping everything up to date on there.  
> Please don't leave this fic because it will be finished and please share and comment it as well because every time that hit count goes up, every time I get a comment and every time someone leaves kudos that spurs me on to finish this even more.  
> Please stick around because I'm not disappearing, I'm just taking some time out. I love all of you for loving this fic as much as you all do, have a nice day :)))) (and remember to subscribe and follow me on tumblr)  
> XXXX


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look, I managed to write another 9k of angst, fluff and a bit of smut instead of revising... I'm going to have to start hiding my laptop I think. A huge thank you to Mira as always for ironing out the creases and I think that's it, enjoy :)

When Louis returned to London it was with a fresh lease of life that everyone noticed. Olly told him he looked good, Finn told Louis it was nice to see him smiling again and Will told Louis to never get like how he had been on the LA trip again.

 “I wouldn’t look too over the moon though,” Will then warned him, “because we have three TV appearances this week and you have two radio ones with Radio One and Capital.”

 “What’s the worst that’s going to happen? Baby news isn’t out yet and the only beard I might have to pretend to have is Cara. What more is Jones going to do to me?”

 “Don’t give him that challenge Lou.” Will warned but Louis just smiled in return.

Jones gave them very clear instructions about the week of UK promo coming up. They were sat around a table with Kerri passing Jones pieces of paper that he read off.

 “Louis, be coy about Cara but don’t shut down or deny the rumour. Graham Norton has gotten the big exclusive about the single you’re releasing together because Cara is on the show with you. That’s being filmed on Thursday to go out on Friday Night, Alan Carr is being filmed on Tuesday to go out on Thursday night and Jonathan Ross is being filmed on Wednesday and airing Saturday night. Does that make sense?”

 “Alan Carr on Tuesday, Jonathan Ross on Wednesday and Graham Norton on Thursday?” Will double checked and Jones nodded, Kerri giving him another sheet of paper.

 “Alan is likely to bring up the dance off you did three years ago with him and he might mention the fact White Eskimo also did one when they were last one. Will, Finn and Olly, be nice about White Eskimo, Louis you need to be horrible about them and if that’s too hard then stay silent and look pissed off.”

 “Okay.” Louis nodded.

“Jonathan Ross also has comedian Michael McIntyre on his show and you’ll be interviewed alongside him. Remember your media training because he’s told us that he’s going to be playing a game with you but he hasn’t disclosed what game it is yet. If we find out before you’re on the show, we’ll tell you and tell you how to play along but for now we’ll have to play it by ear.”

All four of the band nodded again and Kerri passed Jones a third piece of paper.

 “Graham Norton is in the usual format. Quite often they have a musician, a comedian and an actor and that isn’t changing. You are there as the band, Cara is there as the actress, there is also Ian McKellen for some Hobbit movie or something and the comedian you have on is Jack Whitehall who I understand is a good friend of White Eskimo’s. It is likely he’ll make some crude jokes and maybe one about you kissing guys Louis. We’re going to have to be careful because I don’t know how much control I’ll have over what will be aired but stay neutral and stick to the story that you kissed when you were incredibly drunk and didn’t know what you were doing and that the model took advantage of that.”

 “I don’t want him to be branded as some sort of rapist.” Louis told Jones with a frown – he was very aware of how negatively this could fire on Jack when all he’d done was kiss Louis when Louis had asked for it.

 “Well you’ll have to be very careful about what you say but Jack being branded as a rapist is far less important than you being branded as a poof so if we make him sound like he came onto you against your consent then so be it.”

 “I don’t like.” Louis told Jones clearly. “And don’t use that language, it’s completely inappropriate.” Jones ignored Louis and moved on to Finn and how he was supposed to act.

 “Finn, you are going ambiguous about your sexuality from now until you are out.”

“No.” Finn shook his head. “I’m not coming out for the promo. If I come out it is under my conditions, not yours and I certainly don’t want a huge song and dance about it.” At this Finn glanced across at Louis and then spoke up again. “And I’m certainly not coming out if Louis’ got to fake a baby.”

 “Why do the two of you suddenly think you’ve got a say in the way things are run?” Jones asked in disbelief. “You have to do what I say and that is the way things have always happened!”

 “I don’t want to come out!” Finn stated in disbelief. “If you want your big coming out party then give it to Louis, I will happily fake a baby.”

 “Louis isn’t coming out, that wouldn’t create enough headlines.” Jones snarled. “I am in charge and I am a successful manager, the way I do things works. Louis has had gay rumours following him since the first ever appearance, you never have. If Louis comes out everyone goes ‘I told you so’ and it’s forgotten, if you come out people might actually be slightly taken aback; Louis getting a girl pregnant will shock people because it’s something that’s never going to happen in a million years.”

 And Louis snapped. He felt himself rising from his chair with clenched fists. “I AM NOT GAY!” He yelled across. “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO IGNORANT ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO EARN YOU YOUR MONEY. WE AREN’T SOME PUPPETS YOU CAN CONTROL JUST BECAUSE IT’S A FUN GAME FOR YOU, THIS IS OUR LIFE AND ALTHOUGH THE ONLY AFFECT IT HAS ON YOU IS MAYBE A SMALLER PAYCHECK IT CHANGES EVERYTHING WITH US!” A pair of hands was pulling Louis back down into his chair but he fought them, staying standing but lowering his voice. “I will fake a baby and you can have your happy little ‘Oh what a great Dad super straight Louis is going to be’ but you can also have some headlines about me being an alcoholic or a drug addict or being severely depressed because if it hadn’t escaped your attention Jones, you’ve fucked us up big time and this will only make it worse.”

 There was a deadly silence around the table while everyone just looked at Louis, not daring to say anything before Jones opened his mouth and spoke with poisonous words. “I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. You celebrities always think you are so privileged but you are just as disposable as the next band. In a couple of months another band will be signed to this label just as you are on your way out and I will do it to them and the cycle will repeat again. I don’t care if you become an alcoholic or are severely depressed, I know how to shut down those rumours and in nine months my hands will be clean of the four of you. I suggest you learn your place and start doing what I say.”

 

 Louis had been wrong. In just a couple of hours he’d been dragged from the top of cloud nine back to the pits of hell and he stayed silent for the rest of the night.

 On Monday there was a radio interview with Capital in the morning, on Tuesday they were filming Alan Carr, on Wednesday it was Jonathan Ross, on Thursday it was Graham Norton and on Friday Louis and Cara were at BBC Radio One for the FourFiveSeconds release. Not to mention that they were supposed to be writing a fifth album at the moment and at some point would actually have to rehearse for this tour they were promising everyone.

 Louis probably would have cried himself to sleep that night if it hadn’t been for the text he’d received close to midnight.

_I’m free tomorrow afternoon and evening and I want to see you still to apologise for what I did, ring me in the morning maybe so we can arrange something?_

There was still Harry. Jones may be on a mission to destroy Louis, Finn, Olly and Will and Finn and Louis may be dragged kicking and screaming into news stories they don’t want to be a part of but there was still Harry and that’s what Louis needed, he needed Harry. Louis knew there was the Capital Radio interview in the morning and after that there was a tour planning meeting where they would finalise the set-list and stage design.

_Capital Radio tomorrow morning but after that there’s this tour design meeting we have to work out the setlist and what the stage is going to look like. You could pick me up from there I guess? We should be finished around five according to Kerri and I’ll send you the address when I know it. How does that sound?_

Louis waited with baited breath, already doubting himself and wondering whether he should have asked over phone call or whether it was best just to go to Harry’s alone so there was no chance of Harry having to speak to Louis’ bandmates. Louis was pretty sure they’d all give him a pretty hard time considering how shit Louis had felt over their LA trip and how Harry had been the source of quite a bit of that but it was too late to change the message, it had already been sent.

 It wasn’t until halfway through their radio interview the next morning that Louis got a reply.

_Five sounds perfect. Where shall I get you from?_

The smile on Louis was wide as he texted Harry a reply and of course the radio presenters called him out on it.

 “Louis, what’s got you looking like you’ve won the lottery?”

“Oh,” Louis blushed, “it’s just a text from a certain someone.”

 “Is that certain someone a supermodel who is now an actress?”

Yeah, why not. “It could be.” Louis smiled coyly and that satisfied their appetite for celebrity gossip. Twitter would blow up slightly about #Lara (which was an awful ship name, what about the people actually called Lara, then again, the same could be said for Larry) and there would be a few trashy magazines commenting on it and posting the selfie Louis and Cara had taken at the recording studio back in LA which Cara had posted that same morning with the caption ‘I think I’ve had enough’.

 After the Capital interview they all piled into the back of two separate cars to head to where they were meeting Paul, their tour designer to actually plan this tour that was happening in just over a month.

 

They’d arrived and Kerri was telling the cars when to come and pick them up when Louis remembered he wasn’t going to ride with them. He waited until Kerri was done talking and then told her, hoping the others wouldn’t hear or at least ask too many questions (who was Louis kidding?)

“Kerri, I’m not going back with Finn. Harry’s coming to pick me up and I’m going to his.” Even telling Kerri bought an excited flutter to Louis’ stomach but the way Kerri’s face dropped and his three bandmates spun around quickly banished it quickly. It was obvious that they had spoken about this together without him because they all shared a glance before looking back at Louis.

 “You’re seeing him again?” Olly checked. “This is the same Harry that has meant the entire baby story is running and who didn’t even trust you when you told him you’d done nothing with Cara?”

 “Yeah.” Louis nodded, staying confident in his decision. “He apologised over the phone and wants to do it in person and... I like him.” The last bit was said shyly and Louis wasn’t entirely sure whether he wanted them to know this but he supposed there wasn’t much to lose if they did. Louis liked Harry and Louis wanted to talk to Harry and straighten everything out so they knew where they stood. “Please be nice to him and if I’m upset again you have permission to hunt him down and hurt him but please, let me just try.”

 Olly sighed heavily before nodded and pulling Louis in for a tight hug. “I hate seeing you hurt Lou, especially after Ada.”

 “I know.” Louis nodded and held Olly back tightly. “I’ll be careful.”

 

Harry was hovering by the door when Louis spotted him and he waved him over immediately, ignoring the cautious glances shot by Kerri, Finn and Olly. Amy looked up from her drawing as well and her eyes widened when she saw Harry.

 “He’s the Harry?” She asked Louis in a whisper and Louis nodded, knowing who Amy meant.

“Yes, he’s a friend of mine.” Louis nodded. Upon seeing Amy’s presence, Harry’s eyes lit up and Louis noticed, catching on immediately to his like of children.

 “Hi.” Harry offered to Louis warmly, nodding over at the others sat around the table to acknowledge them. “Are you sure I can be here?” Louis was worried he’d noticed the looks everyone at the table had given him but Louis dismissed them.

 “Yeah, definitely.” Louis nodded. “They’re working on the stage design but it’s just the finishing touches.”

“Do you not want a say?” Harry asked but Louis shook his head.

“There’s nothing much left to do and someone needed to entertain Amy.” Amy was still watching Harry with round eyes so Harry pulled up a chair and smiled at her.

 “Hi Amy, I’m Harry.” He smiled and Amy just smiled shyly. “I’m from White Eskimo, do you know us?” Amy nodded and looked to Louis.

 “Louis plays me your music.” Harry chuckled and glanced briefly at Louis who could feel himself blushing slightly but Amy wasn’t content with that. “Louis always tells me that White Eskimo are the best band ever except for The Rogues. He also says you’re his favourite.”

 “Am I?” Harry asked, turning to Louis now. “Am I your favourite Louis? Why’s that?”

“You snake.” Louis accused Amy who giggled and returned to her painting.

 “You’re leaving tour planning a little late aren’t you?” Harry frowned, looking back to the table where everyone else was. “You begin on-,”

 “Friday the third of April.” Louis smiled weakly, he knew they were cutting it fine. He watched Harry do the quick maths and Harry’s eyebrows furrowed even more.

 “That’s only thirty-one days!” Harry exclaimed and Louis just shrugged.

“That’s what happens when you sign with Jones Mgmt.”

 “McGee is no better.” Harry supposed. “A couple of fans were hovering outside when I arrived, I took pictures with a few.”

 “That’s good I guess.” Louis smiled. “Jones will be pissed though. I had a full on shouting match with him last night at this meeting, he was being an ignorant dick and- anyway, I’m in a better mood now, especially if you’re cooking me dinner.” _._

“McGee lifted the ban on me seeing you.” Harry told Louis. “He has decided that we will be painted as on off friends who argue lots and it will cause drama around mine and Kendall’s relationship because you and Cara-,” Harry hesitated, “whatever you are supposed to be will conflict with that. Kendall and Cara are very publically good friends and we’re not.”

 “Cara and I have to be very ambiguous about our relationship and I have to either be neutral or negative about you,” Louis updated Harry on, “but I can promise there’s nothing going on between the two of us romantically.” _Why would it matter if there was? Louis seriously needed to talk to Harry._

Harry smiled at this and then turned to Amy, asking her about what she was drawing. Louis just watched. He watched as Harry’s green eyes lit up with interest in what Amy was saying and watched as his long fingers pointed out the details Amy had drawn and as his deep voice asked her questions. Louis realised he was hungry so he left Harry and Amy to talk about nail varnish and to get himself some food.

 “Louis, come here.” Kerri called out. “We need your opinion before we pack up.”

Louis sighed but went to their table and sat down between Kerri and Olly, wondering what they were stuck on.

 “That was serious heart eyes.” Olly smirked and Kerri chuckled too.

“Shut up.” Louis muttered and turned to Paul. “How’s the stage looking?”

 “The stage stuff is all finished.” Paul shrugged. “I’m not sure what Kerri wanted a word about.”

Confused, Louis turned back to Kerri, wondering if she’d simply just called Louis over so she and Olly could mock him about Harry.

 “I actually wanted to ask you about Amy.” Kerri started. “I’m not going to get her christened or anything like that, but she needs another guardian besides my sister Sally. Amy has known you since she was born and you’ve loved and doted on her endlessly, both you and Adeline used to, I was wondering if you would be one.”

 “Me?” Louis asked, double checking. “You want me as Amy’s guardian?”

“Yes.” Kerri nodded. “Just in case anything ever happens to me, I know she’s got someone to go to. Sally is great but she has her own kids and- if you don’t want to be her guardian then that’s fine but I thought I would ask.”

 “No, I’d love to.” Louis smiled. “Seriously?”

“Yes.” Kerri nodded. “Hopefully nothing will happen but if the worst comes to the worst.” She settled and Louis pulled her in for a hug, kissing her on the cheek.

 “Thanks Kerri, it means a lot.”

“No worries.” Kerri smiled. “Now get back to your band member.”

Louis rolled his eyes but he wasn’t annoyed. He made his way to the food table and spotted a plate of nachos that hadn’t been completely finished off. He grabbed the plate in fear of anyone else taking them and made his way back to Amy and Harry who were now in a deep discussion about nail varnish colours.

 “What’s your favourite colour of nail varnish?” Amy asked Harry and Harry considered it for a moment before smiling.

 “I like blue.” He told her, glancing slightly at Louis. _Why?_

“Louis likes green.” Amy told Harry as Louis sat back down. “Or baby pink.”

 “I need to see that.” Harry smiled but Amy wasn’t paying attention now, she’d spotted Louis’ plate and was giving Louis the perfect puppy eyes.

 “You can’t have one.” Louis told her with a teasing but then he looked to Harry who was pulling the exact same face. He couldn’t exactly say no to Harry could he, especially as it would wind Amy up perfectly? “Here cutie, have a nacho.” He smiled and held out the packet to Harry who took a couple gratefully, before handing them to Amy. “Traitor!” Louis accused and Amy and Harry both laughed, chewed up nacho flying across the table. “You’re both disgusting, you’re not having any more nachos.” Louis decided but Harry and Amy were just in fits of giggles now, it was adorable.

 

 They were walking down one of the long corridors on their way out and Louis was watching Harry walking slightly ahead with Will and Finn. He was watching their discussion on their restrictions and what Jones wanted them to do.

 “For a band called ‘The Rogues’ you’re some of the best behaved musicians I’ve ever met, well apart from Louis of course.” Will and Finn agreed with Harry with a laugh but Will was quick to point out that neither Olly and Finn were straight and Olly wasn’t even fully white so Jones didn’t think so.

 “I was all for us being called WOLF,” Will told Harry, “but Finn especially was against it.”

“Why WOLF?” Harry asked with a frown, “Do you all get a bit twitchy when it’s full moon?”

Finn and Will laughed again, easily charmed by Harry, and Will explained the name they once almost had. “Will, Olly, Louis, Finn.” Will explained, it was their initials. “Finn however didn’t like being last and wanted to be called FLOW if we were using anagrams.”

 “The others weren’t keen on sounding like a period.” Finn sighed and Harry smiled, turning to Louis and Olly.

 “So who came up with The Rogues then?”

“Louis did.” Olly told Harry, throwing his arm around the Doncaster lad. “He won an award back in school for being the most lovable rogue and according to Louis ‘everyone loves something a bit dangerous.”

 Louis was certain he saw Harry’s mouth move then, he was certain he’d mouthed the words ‘I do’ however if he had said it, it had been muffled by Olly’s grumbled mutter of “I personally wanted the band to be called FOWL.”

 Olly dropped his arm from around Louis’ shoulder and Louis looked back to Harry, wondering if maybe his arm would replace Olly’s. It didn’t but Louis felt Harry move slightly closer beside him and Olly sped up slightly to walk with Will and Finn, leaving just the two of them. There was some sort of energy pulsating from Harry that was begging Louis to slip his fingers between Harry’s and intertwine them but that would be holding on to the unknown. If Harry considered Louis as just a friend then it would be madness, complete madness to hold his hand because no platonic friends did that and it would only scare Harry off.

  Their bodyguard Preston met them at the entrance to the building and told them to wait for a few minutes and say their goodbyes here because the fans might react unpredictably and cause some chaos despite their small numbers. Louis left Harry’s side and made his way over to Finn.

“I’ll see you tonight probably.” Louis told Finn, but he was unsure where the evening would go. Would they have sex again? Would Louis stay the night? “Don’t stay up for me.”

 “If you say so.” Finn sighed and leant in to make sure Harry couldn’t hear. “If you need to a reason to get out, if you’re worried, just text me. Be safe yeah?”

 “I will.” Louis told Finn, trusting that this evening with Harry would end very differently to the Brits. All the same it was nice to know Finn had his back.

There were still some fans waiting and everyone did a few minutes of fan service despite the fact it was mostly their usual stalkers. None of the fans were brave enough to ask about Harry and Louis but there were surely going to be photos of Louis climbing into Harry’s car after kissing Amy’s cheek goodbye.

 “Do you want kids?” Harry asked Louis as they climbed into his car.

“Yes.” Louis nodded but he didn’t want the talk to turn to children. Before he could think of a good way of turning the conversation around however Harry spoke up.

 “I think you’d be a good dad.” He decided and Louis felt his heart sinking.

 “You hardly know me.” Louis didn’t want to think about children. He didn’t want to think about being a Dad. He didn’t want to talk about possible children, especially with Harry.

“Yes I do.” Harry insisted. “I’ve see you with Amy, I know Kerri has made you Amy’s guardian which is a pretty big deal. Don’t you have like ten brothers and sisters?”

 “Six.” Louis corrected gently. “And apart from Lottie I don’t see them ever. It’s even been a while since I’ve seen her which is weird seeing as she works in London for you sometimes.”

 “Lottie that works for Lou?” Harry now asked with a frown before his eyes widened in recognition. “Lottie Tomlinson, she’s your sister?”

“Yes.” Louis nodded. “Lou Teasdale is like her mentor.”

 “Yeah, your sister does my makeup sometimes.” Harry nodded. “I never twigged that Lottie was your sister though. I guess it makes sense. You’re both short and feisty and have the same surname.”

 “I am not short!” Louis insisted. “I’m only like three inches shorter than you.”

Harry didn’t retaliate, instead he just smiled and watched the road as he drove – it was infuriating and Louis found himself changing the subject back to the previous one.

“You think I’d be a good Dad?” Louis asked again, quieter now. What was it about him that made Harry think that?

 “Yeah.” Harry nodded. “It must be all of the little brothers and sisters, maybe that’s why you love little ones.”

Yes, definitely the little brothers and sisters.  “Mmm.” Louis hummed non-committedly. “Do you want kids Harry?”

 “I’d love to.” Harry nodded. “I want to adopt one day and be able to give some kids a happy home to live in because no kid deserves to have a bad start to their life. I used to want to have like a surrogate or something but I don’t anymore. What about you? Would you adopt?”

 “It depends.” Louis told Harry, trying desperately to stay distant. “If I settle down with someone who can conceive then it’ll be our kids but if they can’t then I don’t think I’d object to adoption.”

 “No?” Harry asked, turning to look at Louis as he asked and their eyes locked for a second before Harry looked back to the road.

 “No.” Louis confirmed, his insides feeling all mixed up and fluttered.

The rest of the journey passed by mostly in silence and Louis found himself just watching Harry drive and occasionally catching his eye awkwardly when Harry glanced across to check on him.

 “Do you want to get married?” Harry asked as they drove past a church.

“I don’t know.” Louis shrugged, looking out of the window to avoid Harry’s gaze. “It’s a bit early to be thinking about all of that isn’t it? You need to take me to dinner first.”

 “Maybe.” Harry shrugged. The tension in the car was too high for Louis to relax now and in any other situation he would have just asked what Harry wanted from him but... but he couldn’t. Something was blocking his throat and making it impossible to speak so Louis kept his eyes straight ahead, watching the world pass the car by.

 When they drove into the very secure underground carpark to Harry’s block of flats Louis found himself dreading the moment they reached the flat. What would happen then? Would Harry offer to make Louis a cup of tea while Louis sat and waited on the same sofa that they once had sex on? Louis waited for Harry to enter the key code for the lift and then the two of them were in the lift, alone together.

 “How was Wales?” Harry asked and Louis found himself shrugging yet again.

“I cleared my head a bit.” Louis smiled but it didn’t exactly feel like it right now. He’d thought things would be so much clearer now that he’d been and seen Adeline and her parents and Gus but he’d already shouted at Jones and was now not saying what he needed to to Harry.

 “I’m glad.” Harry smiled. “And I’m sorry for the Brits. I was seriously pissed at the whole proposal things and I had too much alcohol in me to think clearly. Do you wear make-up often?”

 Louis felt himself blush now and he nodded. “Jones doesn’t like it but... I like feeling pretty I guess. It started when Lottie was eleven and wanted to practise putting make up on someone. Hannah used to let her and give her make up tips and when Hannah wasn’t there Lottie would try on me and we both ended up taking make up tips from Hannah. It was nice.”

 “Are you wearing any today?” Harry checked, looking more closely at Louis’ face.

“Only a bit of mascara.” Louis told him. “But I can wear more next time if you like?”

 Harry’s turned up into a smile at this as the lift arrived at his floor. “I look forward to it.”

When they entered the flat Louis looked immediately to the sofa before blushing and toeing off his shoes.

 “Do you want tea?” Harry checked and Louis nodded, following Harry to the kitchen where he got out two mugs, one with a rainbow pattern and the other had a unicorn on it. “Which mug do you want?”

 “The unicorn please.” Louis smiled before asking a cheeky question. “How many people have sat on that sofa since we had sex on it?”

 “Only my mother, sister, my band a couple of times, my fiancée and McGee.” Harry smirked. Louis chuckled at the irony of both Kendall and McGee sitting in the place Harry had taken full control of Louis but then he noticed Harry was watching him closely again. “Some of the fans seriously think we’re dating you know.” He was getting out a pan now and some ingredients to make the dinner he’d been promising Louis.

 “Well that was our intention wasn’t it? To make everyone think we are dating.” Louis frowned, he wondered why Harry sounded so unsure about it.

 “Yeah, but- I was reading some of their theories earlier and some of them think we’ve been dating since 2010.”

 “Well I didn’t even meet you until a couple of weeks ago.” Louis frowned.

“Yes but we’ve both had faked relationships for a long time that people have seen through and they think it was to mask the fact that the two of us were dating.”

 “What are they saying?”

“A lot of stuff.” Harry shrugged. “The larry tag is open on my tumblr page if you open my laptop. I think it’s on the table if you want to have a look.”

 Louis went to find the laptop, intrigued now in the fan theories surrounding them and even more so he wondered whether they’d picked up on everything.

He opened Harry’s laptop where it was and luckily it wasn’t password protected – immediately he was met with a list of moments since their first kiss that people has listed as ‘larry moments’.

**In the past few weeks we’ve had so much Larry I think I might explode:**

  * **They kissed!**
  * **Their tweets after that kiss were so robotic and such a joke**
  * **What they’ve said in interviews about the kiss and about each other completely contradicts the stories being published**
  * **They wore each other’s bands’ t-shirts all around London and harry even did it on a pap walk with kendall**
  * **That call and delete though, the sexual tension**
  * **Louis telling random fans he loved white eskimo**
  * **Louis being seen by fans close to where harrys flat is**
  * **Louis’ face when harry proposed to kendall on the red carpet**
  * **Harry’s face when he proposed to kendall on the red carpet**
  * **Kendalls face when she was proposed to on the red carpet**
  * **Louis doesn’t think Harry and Kendall are good for each other? Hmm, I wonder why?**
  * **Did you not see them sharing a seat??**
  * **That hug when White Eskimo won though**
  * **Harry on Louis in that speech?**
  * **Louis reminding everyone he didn’t care about gay rumours**
  * **Did I forget their performances?? Harry fucking serenaded Louis???**
  * **After show interviews? Louis and Harry weren’t behaving at all**
  * **Oh look at that? Louis and Harry at the same party (idk why Louis was kissing some model but I’m pretty sure harry beat him up)**
  * **Louis sent out clubbing? Of course he’s straight**
  * **Not to mention how miserable both of them looked when Louis was in LA and Haz was still in London**
  * **The Late Late stuff, I swear Louis was talking about the little domestics when he said he and Harry had argued a couple of times**
  * **And now Harry is at a The Rogues meeting???**



“I wish it was like that.” Louis sighed to himself. He could still hear Harry bustling around in the kitchen but he’d not looked at the Larry tag on tumblr in a while so he began to scroll. The next thing he came across was a collection of photos that had already been posted from when they’d left their tour planning and- well people were commenting on the way Harry looked at Louis when he’d said goodbye to Amy.

_There is so much love in Harry’s eyes! Look at the fond!!!!! I can’t wait until they have kids together because they are both so obsessed I swear!!!!_

Louis looked back to the photo and shook his head gently. Harry was looking at Amy like that, not Louis. And the fans had noticed that Louis was so broody? Louis wasn’t sure how he felt about the fans guessing so much correctly about his private life and when he scrolled across an argument about whether Louis topped or bottomed he really needed stop – until he found fanfiction.

_For the past five years Louis Tomlinson has ruled Oaken School as part of the popular crowd. For the past five years Harry Styles had skipped to class and hung around with the weird girls. Why should any of it change now?_

_OR yet another fic where Louis 'finds' himself and Harry helps_

Yet another? How many fanfictions out there where there? He scrolled more and found endless reams of fanfictions ranging from WW2 ‘AUs’ and ones where Louis and Harry were school teachers, and of course everything in between.

 It was too weird and Louis closed Harry’s laptop again and made his way back to the kitchen where Harry had turned the radio on quietly and was humming along to NSYNC as he prepared their meal.

 “That smells good.” Louis told him and watched fondly as he swung his hips and handed a pepper to Louis to eat. “Bolognaise is it?”

 “Yeah.” Harry nodded. “It was the first meal my Mum ever taught me how to make.”

“That’s sweet.” Louis smiled but then sighed. “I wish I’d listened when my Mum had tried to teach me how to cook but there was never time.”

 “I’ll teach you if you like.” Harry offered. “Next time you’ve got a free evening I’ll teach you.”

“An offer I can’t refuse.” The two shared a smile and then fell into silence, only accompanied with ‘Bye, Bye, Bye’ while Harry cut up some tomatoes and glanced at Louis occasionally with a shy smile.

“Do you want to fuck some shit up?” Harry asked, breaking the silence when everything was in the pot and just simmering gently while Harry stirred it. “I could tweet that I’m cooking for you.” _Back to promo then._

“It’s too obvious.” Louis shook his head, that would get Harry into far too much trouble and the fans were clever, they didn’t need anything that obvious. “Tweet that you’re cooking whatever it is you’re cooking and then I’ll Instagram a photo of the food when it’s ready.”

 “Yeah, okay.” Harry nodded and pulled out his phone. “Can you just stir the bolognaise while I tweet?”

 Louis nodded – stirring was easy right? He moved to in front of the hop, grabbing the wooden spoon and began to stir, taking in the delicious fumes from Harry’s cooking. He glanced back to Harry to check he was doing it right

 “No, gentler than that.” Harry told Louis, looking up with a frown. “Here, let me show you.” Harry stepped behind Louis and moved his arm around Louis, taking his wrist and showing Louis how to stir it the right way. Harry’s body was up behind Louis, his breath on Louis’ neck and his hand resting gently on Louis’ – Louis could have screamed. It was like every romantic cliché ever and Louis could have pressed back into Harry and instigated some really hot kitchen sex if he’d really wanted to.

 Instead Louis mumbled a thank you and looked down at the bolognaise again, hoping he could pass his blushing cheeks off as heat from the kitchen. When Harry moved back away to finish his tweet Louis wiped his sweating hands on his jeans and tried to pull himself together.

 Had Harry been trying to make a move? Had it been a simple act of teaching Louis how to cook? Why the fuck couldn’t the two of them just talk about it? Louis had never found it so difficult talking about how he felt before and it unnerved him. Over dinner, Louis would ask over dinner and the confusion would be over.

 Then Louis spied something on Harry’s fridge among letters from fans and magnets from every county Harry must have ever been to.

 In the centre on a piece of A5 paper was a sketch of Harry in a half buttoned up flamingo shirt with his long brown hair, underneath of which it read ‘ _Jack McQueen’_.

 “Who is Jack McQueen?” Louis asked, recalling the time Harry had muttered his name during the live stream.

 “Oh,” Harry smiled shyly now. “He’s a character in a fanfiction about us. A fan made that and slipped it into my pocket in a meet and greet.”

“You’ve read fanfiction about us?” Louis asked in surprise and Harry nodded with pink cheeks.

 “Some of it’s good. Anyway, Jack McQueen is just... well he’s me just under a different name for a part of the fic before you discover his true identity.”

 “Is it like a stage name?” Louis pondered and Harry shook his head slightly.

“More like... his professional name.” Harry settled with. “Jack McQueen is an escort.”

 “An escort?” Louis asked with a shy smile. “Of the sex kind?”

“Sometimes.” Harry nodded with a wink. At the wink Louis gasped with mock surprise.

 “Harold, what are you implying?” Harry just shook his head and turned back to the food infuriatingly and Louis sighed heavily. Harry did that a lot, lead Louis in before immediately shutting down and turning away.

 “I missed talking to you when I was in LA.” Louis told Harry, wanting to fill the silence again.

“I missed you too.” Harry returned, now beginning to cook the pasta in a separate pan. “Especially knowing that I’d been a dick. I saw photos of you out in LA and you looked so unhappy and- I felt awful knowing I’d at least contributed to that.”

 “It wasn’t just you.” Louis shrugged. “I have so much stupid promo to do and the paps followed us everywhere.”

 “Louis, just let me apologise.” Harry told him firmly, looking away from the bolognaise and back at Louis, determination in his green eyes. Louis sighed submissively and perched himself on one of the empty kitchen worktops so that his feet were dangling off of the ground. He pulled out his phone, unsure of what else to do with himself while Harry was cooking and saw that he’d missed a text from Stan.

_Are you actually banging Cara or this some Jones bullshit? I can’t tell and it’s scaring me, do I even know you anymore???? Did you finally hook up with Harry?_

Louis realised with a pang that with the whirlwind of Harry and everything that had come with that, he’d neglected Stan and hadn’t told him about anything that was going on.

_Am I with Cara: No. Harry: It’s complicated. We need to meet up mate, maybe this week? I need some Stan back in my life._

Stan’s reply came, as always, within five minutes.

_WEHEY!! LADS NIGHT OUT!!!!!! Also you banging Harry??? I need ALL of the gossip! Thursday night good for you or do you have famous shit on?_

Louis checked his mental diary – Thursday was Graham Norton but from memory that finished around ten o’clock – plenty of time to see Stan in the evening.

_Thursday night is good, I’m at Graham Norton before then but you can come along and we can head straight off afterwards. Harry’s only fucked me once, I don’t think that counts as banging but he’s currently cooking me dinner... I’ll tell you more later. See you on Thursday_ _JJJ_

“Who’s that?” Harry asked and Louis looked up to see him leaning against the opposite work surface, watching Louis type with a smile on his face.

 “Stan, I’m arranging a night out with him later in the week.” Louis told Harry, noticing a bit of tomato smudged onto his cheek.

 “Is Stan who you crashed our concert and party with?” Harry asked, recalling the eventful night. Louis nodded, remembering the adrenaline of talking past the guards and then getting into the VIP box when Harry spotted them.

 “Come here Haz,” Louis beckoned, eyes always flicking back to the smudge of tomato on his cheek.

“Why?” Harry asked, glancing back to the bolognaise to check it was okay and then back to Louis with curious green eyes.

 “Just do.” Louis beckoned and Harry stepped over to Louis, resting his hands on Louis’ knees and waiting for Louis to do or say something with a bemused smile. Louis was filled with an overwhelming desire to pull Harry in and kiss him but he stopped himself, instead just wiping the tomato sauce off and shrugging.

 “That was it.”

 “Everything?” Harry asked, a glimmer of hope sparkling in his eyes but Louis just nodded, not giving in. Harry however didn’t move away when Louis nodded – he instead just looked at Louis’ face. It wasn’t quite staring and Louis didn’t feel uncomfortable but he had no idea how to react in a situation like this. Louis looked back. He took in every feature of Harry’s face from the mole on his left cheek to his defined jaw line. Harry the faint trace of some facial hair wanting to go and it was so manly yet his eyes were still so young. Harry looked weathered but he was still so full of life and energy and Louis admired how someone in Harry’s position could still house so much life in his eyes. Louis could feel Harry’s heartbeat through where his hands where still on Louis knees and gently rested his own hands on top of them, feeling Harry’s skin beneath his. The two of them looked at each other, silent and motionless, just softly breathing and taking each other in for what was really the first time ever – the first time the two were looking at each other and nothing else mattered, just together in that moment – it was maddening. The smell of Harry’s bolognaise reminded Louis where they were and what was happening – it brought him crashing back to reality.

 “Is dinner nearly ready?” Louis asked, breaking the spell of silence and he watched as it took Harry a few seconds to return to Earth. When he did, he nodded. The gentle smile dropped from Harry’s face and he turned away, returning to the stove and stirring the bolognaise for a final time before turning off the heat.

 “It’s ready.”

Louis helped to lay the table, feeling like so far in the evening he’d been pretty useless.

“Can I get you a drink?” Harry asked, watching as Louis put out the cutlery. “Water, beer, wine? I have no idea what you drink.”

 “Just water please.” Louis asked, not trusting to have any alcohol to pass his lips tonight when he needed to have _the_ talk with Harry.

Dinner dates were always awkward. There was too much eating to have an actual conversation and spaghetti bolognaise, as delicious as it was, couldn’t be eaten in an attractive way. Louis was well past half-finished when the conversation finally started to flow.

 Louis spotted a photo on Harry’s sideboard of him and a girl, both about fourteen and she was kissing his cheek – he looked very pleased with himself.

 “Is that a childhood sweetheart?” Louis asked, nodding to it.

“Oh, she was my girlfriend for a bit.” Harry nodded. “And then we broke up because we changed but she’s still a good friend.”

 “You had girlfriends?” Louis asked.

“Yes, I was bisexual in school.” Harry told Louis. “I kissed a couple of boys and once I got touchy with one but I never went the full way with a guy until Nick. I never had sex with a girl either but I liked them. It was as I got older they just lost their appeal and I just wanted men and I just started calling myself gay.”

 “I was never really out as anything and am still not really. I hate defining my attractions because it’s never limited to a type or a personality or something like that. I had a huge crush on David Beckham growing up and that was my first thoughts when I was about thirteen of maybe being gay but I completely fell head over heels with Hannah so I just sort of accepted that I liked more than just one gender. I was with Hannah at a party once and this guy came onto me. We were at school together and he was out as gay and his gaydar was very good. He came onto me and Hannah was stood right beside me but... I ended up in his pants in the bathroom.”

 “Yeah?” Harry frowned, “And Hannah knew?”

Louis nodded. “We were pretty... trusting I guess. She knew I was into guys as well but hadn’t ever had any experience and she just told me to have fun.”

 “And you were still together afterwards?” Harry asked, struggling to come to terms with the whole concept.

 “Yeah.” Louis nodded. “I got my first gay experience and afterwards went back with Hannah to her house afterwards and we cuddled all night.”

 “Do you still talk to her?” Harry checked.

“Yeah. Less this year because I’ve been busy and a bit fucked up in the brain but the next time I go back to Donny I’ll definitely meet up with her for a catch up. How did you come out to your parents and when?”

 “I was twelve.” Harry smiled, “At least that’s when I came out as bi. I just started gradually changing my label as I got older so I never properly came out as gay. What about you?”

 “It wasn’t until after that party with Hannah and the other guy. It took me knowing Hannah could still love me even when I’d done stuff with a boy for me to feel confident enough to come out to my Mum. It was easy though, I knew even if my Mum reacted badly that I could just go to Hannah’s for space and I’d still have her support but Mum just embraced it with hugs and kisses.”

 “What did you tell her though?” Harry questioned.

“I just told her that despite having a girlfriend, I was attracted to other genders than just female and that I didn’t think it was just a phase. Mum asked whether Hannah knew and I told her she did and then Mum just pulled me in for a tight hug with kisses and told me she was so glad I felt I could come to her with this news.”

The dinner was nearly ending and Louis still hadn’t asked Harry the question he was supposed to. Instead Louis had sat listening to Harry talk about some things very close to his heart and Louis had told Harry his. This was what happened on actual, romantic dates but was this one? The pair of them fell into silence again until every bit of the bolognaise was eaten off of their plates and then Louis asked Harry what they were supposed to do now.

 “Um... we could have sex.” Harry suggested. “And this time you don’t just walk out.”

 “We could.” Louis agreed, unsure about how casually Harry was bringing this up. “We could also not do it on the sofa this time and use an actual bed.”

“Now you’re talking.” Harry smiled and stood up from the table, Louis followed his lead but instead of heading for the bedroom like Louis had expected Harry to, he stepped around the table and pulled Louis closer to his chest, pressing a kiss against Louis’ lips.

 “Oh.” Louis smiled when Harry pulled away. “Are we kissing as well?”

“Oh-,” Harry blushed, “if you don’t mind...”

 “No, I don’t mind.” Louis shook his head, hoping his breath wasn’t too garlicy. “Kissing is good.”

_Not if you don’t talk about it first._

A voice at the back of Louis’ mind was screaming at Louis to stop and ask Harry what they were but the kissing was good and the promise of sex was even better; Louis didn’t want to ruin the moment.

 “Wait-,” Louis pulled his mouth away. “Shouldn’t we go to the bedroom?”                                                           

“Yeah, we definitely should.” Harry nodded. His pupils were blown with lust and his voice was deeper and huskier, hands refusing to stay put on Louis’ hips; Louis sank into every touch; his body was on fire. Harry was rougher with Louis than last time, pushing him down on the bed and pulling Louis’ clothes off him before latching his mouth back onto Louis’.

 Last time it had been a quick shag and nothing more: they’d awkwardly stripped off and then Louis had turned over and let Harry fuck him on the sofa. This time it felt like Harry was trying to care of Louis, taking control but still thinking about him and letting him know he cared. Harry’s hands now stayed firmly above Louis’ waist, Harry’s mouth doing all of the work as he moved down to Louis’ neck, undoubtedly sucking a purple bruise into it.

 “Are you sure you want to do this?” Harry checked, pulling back and looking down at Louis.

“Yes.” Louis nodded, “just fuck me.”

 

When they were done Harry pulled off of Louis who just lay back, feeling used in the best kind of way. His hands danced over Louis skin, kissing him again but it felt like he was holding back, like he was unsure of what to do next.

 Louis hated it. He hated the ambiguity of what the right thing to do now was? They could shower together and then curl up in bed together and Louis would just get a car from Harry’s tomorrow morning back to his flat. They could ignore the showering and just curl up in bed together and shower together tomorrow morning and maybe have a round two? Louis could pull Harry in for a cuddle because he was usually incredibly clingy after sex and it felt weird not having someone in his arms.

 “I’m going to go home.” Louis told Harry, feeling incredibly guilty as he said it. This had happened last time and it had ended awfully, why was he doing it again?

 “Why don’t you stay the night?” Harry offered but he rolled off from on top of Louis anyway to give him space.

“I have to get up early for work in the morning.” Louis lied. “I should probably go because it’s interviews and I’ll get told off if I’m tired. I don’t sleep well when I’m not in my own bed.” To prove his point, he stood up and found his boxers. Harry watched as Louis pulled them on but his mouth was curved down in a frown.

 “Oh.” Harry frowned. “Can you stay for a bit and cuddle?”

_Talk._

“Um...”

_Talk._

“I should probably go.”

_TALK._

“I’m still a bit jet lagged, I need to catch up with sleep.”

_TALK!_

Harry frowned slightly but then nodded. “I suppose so, I’m always awful with jet lag as well”

“I’ll see you soon then.” Louis smiled. “I’ll text you.”

 “Yeah.”

“Thanks for dinner.” Louis offered. “And for a good fuck and... for the kissing.”

 “Do you want me to drive you home?” Harry checked, swinging both of his legs off of the bed but Louis shook his head.

 “I’ll get the train, it’s not far.” Louis told him. Harry watched him with a frown from the bed as Louis bustled around, getting dressed again and fixing his hair. It had to be a positive thing that Harry looked so distraught that Louis was leaving but he’d also made sure it was obvious the two were together on social media. Were they just friends with benefits, both sexually and promotional wise?

 When Louis was dressed he went back to the bed and pressed a gentle kiss against Harry’s cheek.

 “I’ll see you again soon.” He promised. “Thanks for tonight.”

“You’re welcome.” Harry smiled, taking Louis’ hand gently. “Be safe.”

 “I will.” Louis nodded and let Harry’s hand go, it dropping back to Harry’s side where he was still sat on the edge of his bed.

 

 Louis opened the door quietly, hoping that Finn would already be in bed but the TV was on quietly and the lights were still on. At the soft sound of the door shutting Finn whipped his head around and the panic in his eyes was real.

 “Are you okay Louis?” He asked, turning the sound off of the TV and standing up.

“You waited up for me?” Louis asked in surprise. “I told you not to, you’re like a Dad, I swear.”

 “We- I was worried.” Finn told Louis, blushing at his slip up.

“Why are you all talking about Harry and I?” Louis asked frowning, knowing that Will and Olly were certainly involved with this. “It’s none of your business!” He was going to bed; his bandmates didn’t even let his personal life stay personal.

 “Yes it is.” Finn replied, catching Louis’ arm and pulling him back so that they were facing each other again. “We care about you Louis and you’ve had it really tough this year. You are vulnerable right now even if you won’t admit it and from the sounds of it you don’t know yourself whether Harry is really into you or not.” The truth in the words Finn spoke hit home to Louis and he felt his eyes prickling. No he didn’t know where he stood but that didn’t mean he needed to be treated like a baby.

 “I know what I’m doing.” Louis told Finn, faking confidence to try and assure himself. Finn smiled weakly but then nodded and let Louis’ hand go.

 “Okay, I’ll believe you. But know you can always tell us the truth and ask us stuff. I know ever since Ada died you’ve been sort of disconnected and I know it’s must be tough, I can’t even imagine what it was like but...” Finn sighed and pulled Louis in for a hug. “You’re like a brother to us Louis and we want you to be happy. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt excluded because we’re cousins or something like that but you are family and we want to help.”

 Finn was bigger than Louis and his hugs had always felt bearlike and Louis sank into it.

“So how was Harry’s?” Finn asked after what felt like an eternity. “I saw in Instagram the dinner he cooked for you.”

 “Yeah, he’s a really good cook.” Louis smiled. “It was nice.”

“Did you not talk about what you are?” Finn asked and Louis shook his head.

 “I will though.”

“Don’t keep putting it off Lou, you’ll only get more worked up.”

 “Yes Dad.” Louis muttered and left, heading for the shower. Just before he climbed into the hot stream of water his phone buzzed.

_Looking forward to seeing you again, please stay for cuddles next time, H X_

Louis may not have asked but he was pretty certain he knew where he stood with Harry. Platonic friends didn’t ask for cuddles did they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who spotted the cheeky Escapade reference again? Also, if you don't know, Jack McQueen who has been referenced twice now is from Escapade which is maybe the best Larry fic to ever have been written and is by the lovely Dolce_Piccante. You need an AO3 account to read it but I recommend you do because it's really worth it, I love it so much!  
> So I did a little bit of maths tonight (shock, horror, I know!) and this fic is going to be well over 100k if it carries on the way I'm planning it too. For a bit of a reference, my word doccument where I'm writing this currently has 82k and most of that extra writing is just chapter outlines (it's the most I've ever written and it feels surreal)  
> Another note: STREAM HOME  
> If you want to find me on tumblr I'm @written-with-no-end (although I can't promise anything exciting at the moment, I'm so busy and even this is something I really shouldn't be doing)  
> If you liked this fic then please leave me kudos or even better leave me a comment telling me your favourite bits, maybe less favourite bits and anything else that came to you while you were reading the fic. If you don't mind sharing this fic then please do because that way it can reach more people and like I've said before, I can't promise regular updates so it's best to subscribe and get email updates (or follow me on tumblr, I always post new chapters on there as well).  
> I love all of you, you're amazing and if I could bake you all a cake I would  
> xx


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SORRY FOR THE WAIT  
> Thank you Mira for beta-ing this and pointing out my silly mistakes and taking a break from studying for your exams to do this, I need to go back to revising too *groans*  
> Now enjoy :)

Alan Carr was a very camp man so it was no surprise when he managed to bring up gay sex.

 “But you were all still in university when you started in the band, when did you do your experimenting because at university was when I found myself and my love of- well my homosexuality?” He smiled in the way he did when things got a bit risqué.

 “Um...” The four boys looked at each other awkwardly and tried to work out what the right answer was. Kerri was on hand to cut the question out if they didn’t answer it as they should but they’d had enough media training to know how handle questions like this. Before they could however, Alan spoke up again.

“I mean Louis; you’re still out experimenting, aren’t you?” Alan probed and the other three turned to him, fear in their eyes at Jones’ recent warning.

 “I mean- I don’t really remember much about the Brit awards or the White Eskimo party but- they were just kisses.” That wasn’t the wrong thing to say was it? Surely that was the right message to spread, that it was just a kiss and nothing else. Louis’ mind was blank of what Jones had told him to say and he could feel his palms getting clammy under the pressure but Alan was asking more questions.

 “Did you like it?”                                                                                                                 

Before Louis could answer, Alan had seen someone behind Louis signal ‘No’, it was probably Kerri, and Alan changed the question immediately, muttering that it could be cut. “So you’re going on tour, aren’t you? When does that start?” Louis could hear the sigh from the audience who’d been expecting some juicy gossip but he was just glad the attention was off him.

 “It kicks off on Friday the third of April with a three night run of the O2 before we play various UK and continental Europe dates.” Will told Alan this, the schedule memorised with all of the promo they’d already had.

 “And is this a world tour or are you staying in just Europe?”

“It’s a world-wide tour.” Finn nodded, “We’re flying to America after Europe and we finish with a leg of Europe and Asia before back to the UK for a home coming leg with the cities we miss the first time around. It’s complicated but we’ve just about got our heads around it.”

 “And are there tickets still on sale or is it all sold out?”

“It’s all sold out.” Finn confirmed and Louis felt his face frowning. _Why the fuck were they promoting a sold out tour?_

Louis asked Kerri that very same question as soon as they were back stage again after the interview had finished. “Kerri, why are we promoting the tour?”

“Because it starts in a month.” Kerri replied but Louis shook his head.

“It sold out, there’s nothing else about it to promote. Look After You is out but that isn’t the bulk of our promotion, why?”

 Kerri frowned as well at this, realising the flaw in everything that had been happening. “I don’t know Tommo. I'm sorry, you’ll have to take that up with Jones.”

 Louis was going to. He was searching for a reason behind all of this - behind why it mattered so much what his sexuality was and the baby... Was Louis out promoting the fact it would soon be announced that he’d got a girl pregnant? Was this to big up his name so people knew who he was before the news dropped? When Louis and Finn got home Louis pulled out his phone and did something he did very rarely; he phoned Simon Jones.

 It was Jones’ secretary who picked up and even then needed to voice match Louis to a recording of him in a past interview before he was put through to Jones. In that time all Louis could try and do was work out what Jones was up to. None of it made any sense. It was far too early to be out promoting an album that wasn’t written yet and unlike the baby which would be a slow build building up to a bombshell, this was just promoting for the sake of it when they should be rehearsing for their sold out world-wide tour.

 “Mr Tomlinson,” Jones began, sounded less than pleased to be on the phone to Louis, “how can I help you?”

 “I was just wondering what it is exactly The Rogues are supposed to be promoting at the moment.” Louis didn’t want to sound suspicious or accusing but he was intrigued and knew from the past that Jones sometimes liked to hold back the whole truth.

 “You’re promoting the tour you’re about to go on.” Jones told Louis simply but Louis wasn’t happy with that answer.

“But the tour is sold out, we’re trying to sell non-existent tickets.”

There was a beat of silence and Louis knew he must be on to something before Jones spoke again.

 “Louis, it is your last album under my management being released this year and we want you to have every chance of it being a huge success.”

 “But the album hasn’t been written yet we haven’t even started rehearsing for this tour. What is it you’re not telling us?”

 “I’m not ‘not telling’ you anything.” Jones sighed. “You’re leaving me in the New Year and I want you to have the best shot at making all of the money you can.”

 That wasn’t what Louis heard however.

 “It sounds an awful lot like you want to exhaust us and ensure you make the most money from it.” Louis said simply – Jones had done it every single year and the only difference now was The Rogues’ expiry date was a lot closer.

 “That’s not the case.” Jones told Louis but his voice was shaking ever so slightly. “This conversation is over Louis, you’re promoting the album and that’s that.”

 The phone was put down and Louis let out an exasperated groan.

 “I’m not sure what you expected.” Finn chuckled and Louis remembered that he was still in the living room with him.

 “Why the fuck did we ever sign a contract with him?” Louis asked and Finn shook his head sadly.

“We thought we were doing the right thing. Do you want to order some pizza because I don’t know about you but interviews make me hungry?”

 Louis considered it but then declined. “I’m going to bed.”

 “Are you sure?” Finn asked, suddenly concerned. It was unlike Louis to turn up food unless he was down but quite honestly Louis just wasn’t feeling it. He nodded for confirmation and retired to his bedroom, happy to be back in the familiar face.

 Louis was mindlessly scrolling through Twitter, Tumblr, even random people’s Snapchat stories when Harry’s face flashed up on his screen and Louis pressed accept before he really registered it was happening.

 “That was quick.” Harry commented about Louis’ speedy reaction.

“You interrupted me admiring Kim Kardashian’s arse on Snapchat.”

Harry chuckled at Louis’ fake whine. “If you want to admire beautiful arses you should look in a mirror Lou.” Harry flirted.

 “You think I’m an arse?” Louis shot back with a dry tone, not letting Harry have all of the smooth lines and it worked. He grinned to himself as Harry squirmed at the other end of the phone.

 “No! I think you’re lovely, I was on about your bum.” Harry sighed. “I- I was trying to be smooth but-,”

“As smooth as your shaved legs” Louis shot back jokily and Harry set out a sigh of relief before accusing Louis with a whine.

 “You did get it! I got scared I’d annoyed you.”

“You care that much?” Louis asked surprised at his over-reaction.

 “Of course I care.” Harry insisted. “You’re a friend.”

 Oh yeah. _A friend._

 “So anyway,” Harry continued, not realising what he’d done, “how was your day? You were with Jonathan Ross right?”

 “Alan Carr.” Louis corrected gently. “Jonathan Ross is tomorrow.”

“Oh, I love Alan Carr!” Harry exclaimed. “Management don’t because he knows I don’t want to be in the closet and gives me every opportunity to out myself but he’s a good laugh.”

 “Yeah but I rang Jones and he reminded me about the baby and just how we’re still under his shitty control and how he’s just milking us for every penny we can earn.”

 “How much longer?” Harry checked.

“Three hundred and three days.” Louis told him and there was a beat of silence.

 “You keep count of the days?”

 “Yes.” Louis admitted sadly. “Ever since New Years’, Kerri reckons it’s some sort of coping mechanism.”

 “Is it that bad?” Harry checked and Louis sighed.

“I feel trapped and leaving Jones’ is like some big celebration at the end of a dark tunnel; it’s like waiting for Christmas but more drawn out.”

 “Maybe you should reward yourself with chocolate every day.” Harry suggested and Louis laughed softly and in his head replaced his bedroom wall with tiny little doors with numbers on and chocolate behind them. He relayed this idea back to Harry who let out a loud whooping laugh.

 “I’d help you put a wall of chocolate up if you really like.” Harry offered and Louis’ heart did that thing where it sighed slightly because Louis had fallen for someone who was perfect but only saw him as a ‘friend’.  “So apart from Jonathan Ross are you doing much tomorrow?”

 “Why?” Louis asked, intrigued because it had only been a day since they’d last seen each other.

“I just- I want to see you I guess.” Harry told Louis quietly and Louis hoped there was a pink blush on his cheeks. “So?”

 “I don’t know Harry.” Louis sighed. “I have rehearsals in the morning and then Jonathan Ross and you can never be sure how long things like that are going to take and if it’s anything like Alan Carr I might need you to cheer me up.”

 “Well ring me, I like seeing you.”

“Ditto.”

  

 

“I think we should play _No_ _Control_ last, I said that when we were doing the set-list, we should play it as a show closer.” Olly insisted but Will was shaking his head.

 “But we’ve always played _Meltdown_ last, that was our debut and it’s fitting to end with it. _No_ _Control_ is an opener to get everybody in the party mood, that’s why we collectively decided to put it first on the set list. What else do we open with?”

 “Anything.” Olly shrugged. “ _Clouds, Up All Night,_ we opened with _Alive_ last tour and that worked fine.”

 Louis glanced to Finn who was letting the two battle it out. This had been a point of dispute at the meeting only a couple of days ago and Finn and Louis had both stayed neutral. Both had a point and Louis couldn’t bring himself pick a side.

 “It’s our last tour for a while,” Will mentioned, “why break from tradition now?”

“Because if we never changed anything we’d still be those four boys with matching haircuts that we were five years ago, live a little Will!” Olly whined. “Why don’t we finish every show with the crowd’s favourite, drop a bomb album at the end of this and then take a year or two to do whatever the fuck we want. If you really want you can go on a solo tour and end every night with _Meltdown_ but that song is four years old and I want people’s memories of us to be the us now, not the us we were then because then these last four years have been leading up to nothing.”

 “Lou, Finn, what do you think?”

Louis and Finn both jumped at their names and squirmed under the pressure, trying to gauge each other’s reactions.

 “Maybe- finish with _Meltdown_ followed by _No Control_ for a double whammy?” Louis suggested. “And open with something really different like- like the hidden track on our latest album.”

 “What? _Carry On?”_ Olly asked and both Finn and Louis nodded. “Actually- that’s not a bad idea.”

Will nodded in agreement and there was an awkward moment before Louis jumped up off the amp he was perched on.

 “Well I guess we need to learn _Carry On_ again then and tell the tech team that we’re adding a song and moving _No Control_ to the very end.” Louis told them and the other three nodded, humming the song to themselves and trying to remember how it went.

  _Carry_ _On_ was a hidden track on _Outer_ _Space_ and the two were the happier songs that Louis had written about Adeline’s conditions when they’d gotten over the initial shock and were just trying to make the most of the little time they had.

 “ _Carry on, let the good times roll, sail along, let the path unfold, and it won’t be long... you know it’s gonna get better, you know it’s gonna get better.”_ Louis was still waiting for this day he’d written about but maybe it was just around the corner. “ _Say a prayer, for the broken bones, ‘cause who cares? You know I’m coming home, and it won’t be long, you know it’s gonna get better, you know it’s gonna get better.”_

Finn came in with a gentle drum roll. “ _I got one foot in the golden life, one foot in the gutter, so close to the other side, so far from the wonder, I got one foot in the golden side, one foot in the gutter, so sick of this double life that keeps pulling me under,”_ Louis couldn’t believe he’d got those lyrics onto the album but he had and they were out there and now The Rogues would be opening the show with them. “ _Carry on, outlast the ignorance, moving on, survive the innocence, won’t be long you know it’s gonna get better.”_

Overall it was quite a productive rehearsal however rehearsing Carry On meant there was little time between their rehearsal and the filming for the Jonathan Ross show so all Harry got as a word from Louis that day was a

_Sorry, we had more to rehearse than we thought. Maybe I’ll see you on Friday?_

 

Jonathan Ross was a funny man but he asked almost identical questions to Alan Carr; Louis couldn’t help but feel like he was just saying the same things again and again and he was reminded of why he hated promo seasons so much. It was just the same old bullshit on a different day in a different studio. It was only near the end of the interview it began to pick up when Jonathan rummaged under his desk and pulled out some brightly coloured paddles.

“So, time for a bit of Never Have I Ever.” Jonathan smiled. “I’ve been told by your management that I’m not allowed to get you drunk so instead we’re just going to have to play with these paddles, you each have one. On one side it says “I have” and on the other it simply says “Never.” Are we all aware of the game?”

 The Rogues nodded, they had often played it on long journeys.

“So we’re going to dive straight in, never have I ever had a one-night stand.”

Louis didn’t even need to lie. He held up the ‘I have’ paddle and glanced across to see Finn also holding it up; both Olly and Will claiming to not have had one which Louis could believe.

 “Care to expand Louis or Finn?” Jonathan asked and Louis and Finn shook their heads. Jones wouldn’t want that at all. “Okay then, be like that. Never have I ever gotten drunk and said something I shouldn’t have on camera.”

Once again Louis held up the ‘I have’ side of the paddle and Olly joined him this time with a shrug and a “I probably have, let’s be honest.”

“Louis, you said some things about Harry and Kendall at the Brits didn’t you?” Jonathan prompted and Louis shrugged. “I mean- I’m not very good at biting my tongue so what I’m thinking just sort of slips out.”

 “Is there a big dispute there? I was under the impression that the two bands didn’t really get along because you are in a sense very similar however what must have been around a month ago now there was a photo of you and Harry kissing that emerged at a White Eskimo after party.”

 Louis was going to be mature and behave for Jones now, he wasn’t sure when the next opportunity would crop up. “A friend of mine from school was in town and because I am who I am we often sneak into clubs and places we shouldn’t be because I’m quite good at blagging and he betted that we couldn’t get into a show without tickets so naturally I had to prove him wrong, it just so happened that White Eskimo were at the O2 that night. So we got in and bumped into a few of them backstage and they were very good about us sneaking into their gig and let us stay and invited us to the party and we got there and Harry was there and very drunk and I got very drunk and we woke up with a photo of us kissing everywhere. I remember arguing with him earlier in the evening so I’m not sure what happened but it wasn’t really a kiss and make up.”

 “Is there still a bit of a conflict there then?” Jonathan asked and Louis shrugged.

“It is what it is.” Louis said again non-committedly, he really needed a new response for the Harry questions.

 “Okay.” Jonathan seemed satisfied with that answer. “The next one: never have I ever smoked a joint.”

Louis’ media training told him to lie now. He would risk sounding a bit homosexual and he would say controversial things about his management and the industry in general but drugs was one thing they were forbidden to admit to, even if on some tour nights they lit up a blunt and had a puff, even if there was video evidence up on the internet of Olly and Louis sat in the back of a taxi high off their heads.

 All four of them held up the ‘Never’ paddle unanimously and Jonathan looked at them suspiciously but didn’t try and contradict them.

“Never have I ever had anal sex.” Jonathan grinned and this time Louis’ reply slipped out of his mouth before he could help himself.

“Giving or receiving?” There was a sharp intake of breath from Will while Finn just erupted with laughter and Louis immediately regretted it because it was certainly not what Jones wanted him to be saying. Luckily Jonathan was a good chat show host and just laughed it off, not commenting on Louis’ very obvious way of outing himself.

 “We’ll say giving.” Jonathan decided and to be honest it didn’t matter which one he’d chosen, Louis was quite versatile.

 He and Finn both held up the ‘I have’ side, Will hesitated before holding that side up also and Olly blushed and held the ‘Never’ side and smiled politely as Jonathan told him he didn’t know what he was missing.

 “Last one now,” Jonathan told them, “Never have I ever been caught in the act.”

“The act of what?” Will asked. “Wanking? Sex? Midnight cooking?”

 “Sex. Have any of you been caught ‘balls deep’ as they say?” The audience laughed at Jonathan’s use of the phrase and Louis remembered with a wince at the time Olly had walked in on him and Alex.

 He held up the “I have” paddle once again and this time joined by Will whilst Olly and Finn said “Never,”

“Will, Louis, do either of you care to expand?” Louis shook his head with a blush and Will did the same.

 “My fiancé might kill be if I did.” Will laughed and Jonathan shook his head exasperatedly.

“We’re all friends here boys, why aren’t you sharing?” The Rogues all laughed and Jonathan rolled his eyes.

 “Now you’re going on this tour, that’s all sold out, you have this single _Look After You_ out and we saw a beautiful performance of that at the Brits along with one of my favourite songs No Control but Louis you have another single out with Cara Delevingne don’t you?”

 “Yes I do.” Louis nodded and did a mental check, this show was aired on Saturday so he might as well act like it was out already. “It’s called FourFiveSeconds and it is available for download.”

 “And I’ve heard rumours that you are planning on going solo, is this true?”

Louis laughed. “No, we’ve got a tour and another album coming yet. The song with Cara was just a bit of fun really.”

 “Phew, I was worried then,” Jonathan laughed, “but I wish you all for the best with this tour and your single Louis.”

 “Thank you.” Louis smiled.

“Give it up for The Rogues everybody!” Jonathan started to clap and the audience joined in, signalling that their time was over. As they exited the stage this time it was with a disapproving look from Kerri to Louis and he winced, remembering his comment about anal sex.

 “You just can’t help yourself can you? We keep you in line for four years and a curly haired boy comes along and changes that?”

 Louis looked down with a blush. “There’s only three hundred and one days left with Jones.”

Kerri shook her head slightly at the fact Louis was still keeping track of the days but she knew it helped him. “Please behave on Graham Norton tomorrow night, otherwise I might not have a job next week.”

 “I’m sorry.” Louis apologised. “I- I forget sometimes it’s not just my own neck at stake.”

“I know you don’t mean to but- I may laugh on the outside but inside I’m wincing.” Kerri said, a helpless smile on her face. Louis was reminded of his teachers who used to laugh at Louis’ smartarse comments but worry that he wouldn’t get the grades. Louis had gotten through his life so far on jokes and towing the line, maybe it was time he grew up.

 “Even if you do lose your job I’ll look out for you Kerri.” Louis told her. “You’ve done too much for me; I wouldn’t let you just fade away with no job. I’d help you find a new one and I’d lend you money when you needed it. Both you and Amy, I’d still look after you.”  

 “Thank you Louis.” Kerri smiled and pulled him in for a hug. “Your cars ready to take you home. There are more rehearsals and Graham Norton tomorrow. Go and sleep and behave yourself tomorrow, please.”

 “I will.” Louis promised.

“You’ve said that before.” Kerri sighed.

 “I know.”

 

Louis was grateful when the Graham Norton came along. The Rogues rehearsed in the morning and then Stan came to the studio and he, Finn and Louis had lunch with Finn’s boyfriend James before all climbing into a sleek black car and heading to the studios where it was filmed.

 “Who are you on with again?” Stan asked excitedly, watching as the London streets flew past the window. Louis remembered why he very rarely mixed his work with his friends, they got too excited about who Louis sometimes worked with.

 “Jack Whitehall, Ian McKellen and Cara Delevingne.” Louis rattled off and watched as Stan’s eyes widened.

 “Holy shit. _The_ Ian McKellen? Cara _mother fucking_ Delevingne? Mate you need to get me up to date with where you’re stood with her mate because if you haven’t made a move then I might.” Louis just chuckled softly.

 “She’s taken mate but I like your thinking.”

“Who’s she taken by?” Stan asked, looking like he’d just been told Christmas was cancelled and at the same time looking ready to fight them.

 “It’s not my place to say.” Louis shook his head and saw Finn smile knowingly. “You can ask her yourself later though.”

 

Louis and Stan were hunting for a vending machine when Stan finally met Cara; he halted and Louis was fairly certain he also stopped breathing. Louis just shook his head and kissed Cara on the cheek before introducing them and Stan managed to pull himself together enough to shake her hand before Cara turned to Louis with an exasperated sigh.

 “Kendall told Gigi that we’d been arguing and now Gigi’s been trying to get the details out of me. I don’t have time for this.

 “Why have you been arguing with Kendall?” Louis asked, remembering Cara rolling her eyes about seeing Khloe when they’d recorded FourFiveSeconds.

 “I’ll tell you about my love life another time, I need to go and get my hair and make-up done.” She groaned, then smiled at Stan who still hadn’t blinked. “It was nice meeting you Stan, you went to school with Louis didn’t you, he’s mentioned you before?”

 “Um- yeah.” Stan nodded, finally picking his jaw up off the floor. “He has?

 “Yeah, I’ve heard about all of your secrets.” Cara grinned wickedly before kissing them both on the cheek and disappearing into her dressing room.

 “Cara and Kendall? Kendall Jenner?” Stan asked and Louis nodded before seeing how dilated Stan’s pupils had got.

 “Yes they’re a hot couple, get over it.” He rolled his eyes – he knew exactly what Stan was imagining right now.

 

It was the last of the three television interviews and the most of it went over Louis’ head until a certain name was mentioned.

“Jack, wasn’t there an article once where they tried to claim Harry Styles had stolen your girlfriend and you were with them that night?” Graham asked and Jack laughed.

 “Yeah but I don’t think anyone believed it, Harry obviously prefers band members to actresses.” Jack told the audience with a charming smile. Jack also shot a quick glance at Louis as he said this and Louis rolled his eyes and felt Cara shift ever so slightly towards him, a movement which some would pick up on and speculate about.

 “I’m not sure about that.” Louis laughed, trying to ease the tension. “I don’t know whether he preferred it.”

 “We’ve all done stupid things when we’re drunk.” Cara laughed and Jack blushed.

“I once tried to have phone sex with Siri.”

And the talk about Harry was gone and onto Jack’s drunken antics. Louis made a note to thank Cara for the deflection later and laughed along with the others as Jack embarrassed himself even more. This show always had the same format. The chat was a free for all but Graham always made sure to slowly make his way through the sofa asking the correct questions to help them promote whatever they needed to and when it was Jack’s time up, Cara and Louis came next along the line.

“So Louis and Cara,” Graham started, “I hear you have a song out together?”

 “Does this show go out on Friday?” Cara checked and Graham nodded. “Yes, our single FourFiveSeconds was out this morning and you should all go and give it a listen and buy it.” The crowd laughed at Cara’s attempt to make it sound like she knew what she was on about but it humoured the crowd and it would come across well on TV. Cara had broken the fourth wall successfully and made sure people still loved her.

 “Well we can play a bit of the music video now and I’ve seen it before, I had a sneak peek, it’s very relaxed isn’t it, I love the rustic feel?”

 “Well we didn’t really have time to go out and film a proper music video so it’s really just a product of our laziness.” Cara laughed.

“Well this is a bit of Louis and Cara’s single FourFiveSeconds which is out now and available pretty much anywhere.” Graham introduced and everyone fell silent as the clip was played throughout the studio.

 Louis knew this bit wouldn’t be filmed so leant over to speak to Cara. “Are we meant to be closer than this? I don’t understand what Jones wants us to do together and-,”

 “Don’t worry, the headlines will write themselves and manipulate anything we do to what they want it to mean.” Cara replied quietly. “I reckon we’re fine.”

Louis sat back, reassured by Cara and waited for the clip to end.

When it did there was a round of applause and a few woops from the audience. “Isn’t that just great.” Graham smiled. “It’s a pity we don’t have you performing it but The Rogues are still performing so it’s just as good.” The audience cheered again at the promise of a performance and Graham turned to Ian.

 “And Sir Ian, what are you working on at the moment, apart from the obvious Hobbit films?” Graham moved on.

Ian gave it a moment’s thought and then seemingly remembered.

“At the moment I’m doing a lot of going around schools and spreading the message to the children to not bully, and especially to the gay children and members of staff.” Louis glanced to Finn who was watching Ian with all sorts of admiration.

 “That’s wonderful, that’s a really good thing.” Graham congratulated and then turned to Cara. “Cara, you are bisexual, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I am.” Cara nodded with a smile and then turned to Louis, almost as if to indicate that Louis was also queer but luckily Cara managed to stop herself and make it look like she was addressing Sir Ian. “I wish we’d had someone like you who’d come round when I was at school as well. I think often kids don’t realise how many of the people they see on TV and in film or hear on the radio are queer and some still feel like it’s an alien concept. I also think with so many celebrities coming out and being proud of who they are it’s going to make a really positive impact on the next few generations and it should really be celebrated that things are changing the way they are.”

 “But everyone else on the sofa, Jack, you’ve said in the past that you’ve received bullying because you’re very camp but you are straight?”

 “Yes,” Jack nodded, “But I went to a private boarding school for boys and there were some encounters boys had with other boys.”

 And then Finn spoke up. “I know at my school there were a couple of gay students and I had quite a small school, it was quite rural so when a student was gay it blew up completely out of proportion and I think to a certain extent that is because LGBT+ people aren’t portrayed enough or correctly in everyday media. There are very few TV shows out there, films that feature people that are gay, lesbian or bi and even less so those who are trans, asexual or pansexual or demisexual or agender or genderfluid and I’m sure out there, there are viewers who don’t know what those terms mean and that’s the problem. If you don’t know what demisexual or agender is then google it, go and educate yourself because these people exist and are more common in our society than you may think and when we start realising that actually a huge percentage of our population aren’t cisgendered, straight human beings, we can really move forward as a society.”

 Louis bought his hands together to applaud Finn’s speech. It was true, so true what he was saying and Jones couldn’t shoot him down for appealing to the nation to become more accepting. Finn would make so many people feel normal and accepted, something Louis knew so many people didn’t feel and once he hadn’t felt that way either. The audience were applauding, everyone on the sofa was applauding, Graham was applauding and Louis felt a swell of pride as he watched Finn blush humbly; maybe he hadn’t realised the weight of his words when he’d spoken them.

 “Well said.” Cara smiled and Ian offered a word of congratulations as well.

“Louis, I remember you said something along those lines at the Brit awards as well, is that quite a strong feeling within the band?”

 “Yes.” All four of them nodded.

“I think especially because a lot of our fans have banded together and created safe spaces for LGBT+ fans and there’s always a lot of rainbow flags at our shows and we as a band have really taken that on board and it’s inspired us massively.” Louis told Graham. He didn’t want to steal Finn’s limelight but Finn didn’t make any move to carry on from what Louis had said so Louis did it himself. “Ever since the beginning of our career we’ve attracted fans of all sorts of sexualities, genders, races and religions and we want to look out for all of our fans and make sure they all feel accepted and loved because we didn’t always and we don’t want them to feel the way some of us once did.”

 “That’s really inspirational.” Ian smiled and there was another round of applause from the audience. Louis felt his chest swell with pride and was on a high for the rest of the interview and performance until he stepped backstage and was met with Kerri’s shaking head.

 “You slipped Lou.” She sighed. “I’ve had a word with the producers and they will cut it but you need to start being more careful.”

 “What did I do?” Louis frowned, unsure of how any of it wasn’t a good thing for the band. Was it when Harry was mentioned? That must have been it but Louis had been sure he was clever with the deflection and Cara had turned the attention away from it very well.

 “You said that some of you had gone through insecurities very quickly after talking about varying sexualities and I checked with Jones and he’s said there’s no way it can air. I’m not sure what they’ll cut of your inspirational speech but they’ll still show all of Finn’s. Jones wants you to take Cara with you clubbing tonight however and kiss her, just in case they don’t cut it. Cara’s already agreed to it.”

 Stan was stood just behind Kerri looking slightly sombre, like he’d overheard something he shouldn’t have, and Louis just nodded.

 “I’ll do it.”

Kerri smiled and clapped him on the back, wishing him to have a good night and walked off, leaving Stan stood there looking at Louis sorrowfully.

 “I had no idea it was this bad.” Stan sounded apologetic and Louis shook his head.

“Don’t sound sorry Stan, it’s not your fault.”

 “But it isn’t right!” Stan insisted with disbelief. “You shouldn’t be punished for saying inspirational shit like that, you have to hit back! Does Jones have any rules about what clubs you’re allowed into?”

 “I don’t think he’d be down for a gay bar if that’s what you’re asking.” Louis shook his head weakly.

“I didn’t ask that. Are there any rules, contractual agreements against it?”

 “No...” Louis shook his head slowly, pretty sure there wasn’t. “But there is a rule about me looking too homosexual.”

“You won’t look homosexual, you’ll have Britain’s hottest model on your arm and me on your other side in the gayest t-shirt I can find.” Stan reasoned.

 Louis pulled Stan in and kissed his cheek, then laughing as he squirmed in Louis’ arms. “Let’s find Cara then, get her in on this.”

They got Cara from her dressing room where she was slipping a long black coat over her sexy red dress and Kerri had already organised a taxi to the club like the star she was. Stan stayed silent as Cara and Louis discussed work related business and it wasn’t until they were in the back of black cab waiting at a red light that Stan sorted out his brain and braved asked a question.

 “So are you two going to kiss?” Stan asked excitedly from Louis’ left and on Louis’ right he heard Cara tut ever so slightly. Louis understood both of them, five years ago if one of his best mates had had the chance to kiss one of the most beautiful woman then he would have been excited for them but Cara understood what this kiss stood for. Louis and Cara were both in the closet, were both being hidden against their will and yes they were friends but this kiss, this night, was something neither of them wanted to do.

 “It’s not like that Stan.” Louis told him gently. “It’s- It’s like if I made you kiss Hannah, someone who you know well and are friends with but never wanted to kiss, it’s a bit awkward.”

 “We’re going to a gay bar though right?” Cara asked with a smile, “Maybe you’ll pick someone up Louis, or would that be cheating?”

 “I don’t know.” Louis shrugged but he decided he would play it safe tonight and not lead anyone on; Harry had been jealous of Louis and Cara being close before and Louis wanted this to work out.

When the three of them arrived at the gay bar Louis held on tightly to Cara’s hand just in case people noticed them arriving. It was a good thing he had because as soon as they stepped out of the black cab a man looked at them suspiciously before asking the girl stood next to him something and the girl almost fainted. Louis and Cara both smiled at her but didn’t stop in case they caused a scene, instead, followed by Stan, they made their way into the bar and ordered a few drinks, ready for the drag night.

The club was crowded which was no surprise but luckily Louis, Stan and Cara managed to bag a fairly central table and got ready for the drag acts to start. It was a rarity now that Stan ever came out with Louis – let alone with Cara Delevingne on the end of his arm – and his eyes were looking around anxiously, conscious that they were attracting some attention.

 “That girl is filming the two of you.” Stan frowned and Louis glanced at Cara who nodded. It was time.

Louis pretended to laugh at something Cara had said and Cara leant in, trying to make the movement look natural and not forced. Louis had faked kisses a million times with Eleanor but he’d never done it with Cara and he suddenly wished they’d discussed it more so that he felt like he knew what he was doing. All the same Cara’s lips were suddenly locked onto Louis’ and he kissed her back, making sure they were angled so the girl’s phone would capture the moment.

 A couple of years ago Louis would have been excited and into this kiss but times change. Cara had a girlfriend and Louis hated that he was kissing someone already spoken for because it felt dirty, not to mention that he was involved with Harry. Louis wasn’t sure what exactly he and Harry were but it was more than ‘just friends’ by now, it had to be.

 After the drag show Cara ended up crashing at Louis and Finn’s and Stan decided he would too. Cara took the sofa and Stan climbed into Louis’ bed with him. Cara and Louis had to be on Radio One in the morning for half past eight and would probably only get four hours sleep if they were lucky; Stan told Louis before they went to sleep rather threateningly that if Louis woke Stan up at an ungodly hour and it wasn’t because Cara wanted to have sex with them then he was dismissing Louis as a friend for good. Louis rolled his eyes and debated whether suffocating Stan in his sleep sounded like a good idea or not.

 

Louis woke up just past seven in plenty of time to get to the radio and immediately got up and went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. In there he found Cara on the phone looking tired and annoyed while watching the slowly waking street below the window. Louis halted when he saw that Cara was engaged but she indicated for Louis to carry on making a cup of tea while still listening to whoever was on the other end of the phone.

 Louis tried not to eavesdrop on what was being said to Cara however his curiosity got the better of him when he saw Cara slightly shake her head and roll her eyes.

 “It’s not like that Ken, you’re over reacting.”

Apparently that was the wrong thing for Cara to say to her girlfriend at the other end because she then winced at the loud response Kendall gave her, from which Louis caught the phrase “Khloé was really offended!”

 Louis wondered what Cara had said about Kendall’s this time sister and didn’t have to wait long because by the time the kettle was boiled Cara had told Kendall she had to go and put the phone down.

 “Is everything okay?” Louis asked tenderly and Cara just shrugged.

“I said shit about the Kardashians at a party a couple of weeks ago and it got back to Kendall and she’s mad. Can I have a cuppa too?”

 “Yeah, sure.” Louis nodded and got out another mug. “What did you say?”

“That ‘Koko’ was a needy bitch, Kourtney had no personality and Kim was a glorified arse. I completely get why she’s mad but it’s the way she won’t let it go! I’ve said sorry and I’ve answered every skype and phone call at whatever ungodly hour but she’s been whining about it to anyone who will listen and it’s not just that – she’s telling all sorts of people more intimate stuff about us.” Cara just sighed. “Anyway FourFiveSeconds is already at the top of the iTunes charts, that’s why Kendall rang in the first place: to congratulate us.” Cara’s smile was bittersweet but the news was good and reassured Louis that he didn’t need Jones and even when The Rogues took a break they’d be fine.

 “Well cheers to us.” Louis smiled as he handed Cara her tea and they clinked them together and took a sip. Cara was scrolling through something on her phone before she found what she was looking for.

“Also we fooled the media into thinking we’re in love.” Cara handed over her phone and Louis read the headline and the start of the article.

**_LOUIS TOMLINSON AND CARA DELEIVNGNE KISSING IN A CLUB: VIDEO HERE_ **

_It would seem that the rumoured relationship between The Rogues’ Louis Tomlinson and super model Cara Delevingne is heating up as the two were seen passionately locking lips while on a night joined with a friend of Tomlinson’s but is this confirmation that there is a relationship between the two is really happening?_

“One day those headlines about me will have some truth in them.” Louis decided and Cara chuckled.

 “Those ones about Harry did, didn’t they?”

Louis rolled his eyes and turned away to try and find something substantial for breakfast.

 In the end he and Cara got a drive-thru McDonalds and munched it happily on some sofas at Radio One before they were due to be interviewed.

 

 “And now we welcome two very special guests into the Radio One studio, it’s Cara Delevingne and Louis Tomlinson!” Nick grinned. “Um- you two are already at the top of the iTunes and Amazon and basically any music charts so I’m not entirely sure why you got up early to promote your single on here.”

 “Well we did and we’re here now so we might as well make the most of it.” Louis shrugged. “It’s called FourFiveSeconds and it’s available pretty much anywhere so go and buy it.” Nick chuckled at Louis’ straight to the point promotion but Louis wasn’t trying to be funny, he was doing his job.

 “No messing around with Louis here. But how are you two? You both look a bit tired, was there a bit of partying going on last night?”

 “A little bit, yes.” Cara nodded. “There hasn’t been a lot of sleeping going on.”

 “I bet there hasn’t.” Nick said with a cheeky wink and Louis knew he was implying that Louis and Cara had had some crazy sex last night.”

 “Um- not really.” Louis played up to it.

A sly smile had appeared on Nick’s face. “And what about the rumours of you two being a thing?”

 Cara glanced to Louis and Louis tried to sound jokey. “I don’t know what you’re on about Nick.”

 “There’s always rumours about you though Louis, aren’t there? Last time you were on it was Harry, then that model after the Brits, now Cara, also I’ve seen a lot of you recently Louis, you’ve been hanging around this building a lot.”

 “It’s Fifi,” Louis laughed, referring to the producer, “I can’t get enough of her.”

“Well I think it’s time we hear this song now. You did the thing that artists do when they want to be annoying where you drop the single at midnight with pretty much no promotion at all and I have only heard a bit of it so I’m excited for this. Do you want to introduce it now?” Nick offered and Cara nodded.

 “Up next is the brand new single from Louis Tomlinson and Cara Delevingne, this is FourFiveSeconds and is out now.”

 The recording light went off as the song began to play and Nick’s face changed from his cheeky smile to an apologetic one. “I’m sorry about joking about you two, it’s my job.”

 “We know.” Louis shrugged.

“How’s Harry?”

 “He’s alright.” Louis nodded. “I saw him the other night and- yeah, he’s good.”

“How about Kendall?” Nick asked Cara and she shrugged.

 “Good I guess. We’ve been arguing but I’m sure it’ll work itself out.”

“I hope so.” Nick offered. “Later on in the show we’re going to yet the two of you pick two songs to play so get thinking.” Nick warned them and turned to say something to Fifi; the cogs in Louis’ brain were already turning with possible song choices. He could pick something by White Eskimo but that might be too obvious, pick a Rogues song and promote his band more like a good little pop star, maybe he would do that, then again maybe not.

FourFiveSeconds came to an end, the microphones came back on and Nick launched into reminding his listeners about various competitions Radio One were running and about other celebrities due on the show next week.

 “Now if you’ve only just tuned in I’m joined by Louis Tomlinson from The Rogues and Cara Delevingne from supermodel stardom and now the world of acting. Cara, you’re in Paper Towns,”

 Louis let Cara be interviewed about the film and whether she had any other acting lined up without interruption. He was happy that she was doing what she loved and showing the world that she was more than just a pretty face.

 “And Louis, The Rogues are going on tour soon aren’t they?”

“We are.” Louis nodded. He listed the tour dates, told Nick about some of the rehearsals and what they had in store and reminded everyone that all the tickets were sold out.

 “I got some.” Nick told Louis, “I’m going to be coming along to your opening show I think, I can’t wait.”

“Yeah, it’s exciting, we’re also going to be writing another album on the road so it’s going to be busy but we can’t wait.”

 “So you have a single out with Cara but The Rogues also have a single out, Look After You isn’t it?” Nick checked and Louis nodded. “I know you’ve probably been asked this a million times but you cried at the Brits and so this song must be very close to your heart.”

 “I mean- I often write from experience and a close friend, Adeline, had cancer so I wrote about that and performing it for the first time was very difficult but I managed it and I think the performance went well so it was all good in the end.”

Nick nodded at Louis’ reply and checked his notes. “Oh yeah, we’re going to let each of you pick a song for us to play next. What requests do you have?”

 Cara answered first. “I don’t know whether you’ve ever played this on here before but Girls Like Girls by Hayley Kiyoko.”

 “Oh I heard about that song.” Nick smiled. “I think we can play that. And Louis?”

 “I really like Demi Lovato’s new song Cool for The Summer.” Louis told the DJ and Nick’s lip quirked. Louis knew exactly why: Louis and Cara had both picked very pro-gay songs and there was nothing Jones could do to stop it. It was risky and there would undoubtedly be repercussions but it’d be enough to stir things up.

While the two songs played Cara and Nick chatted about Cara’s sister who was a good friend of Nick’s and Louis checked Twitter. Most of the tweets were about how obvious Louis and Cara were being about their relationship but occasionally there was one about Larry or CaKe (which was Cara and Kendall’s ship name apparently) and Louis wondered whether he should try and stir something up more in the last few minutes on the show. Eventually he decided not to, knowing he was already going to be in trouble and that was turning into a common theme this year.

 The songs ended and all Nick had to do now was finish Louis and Cara’s interview.

“So your time here is up.” Nick stated, telling the audience that it was the end.

 “God Nick, you make it sound like we’re dying.” Cara chuckled. “All we’re doing is going home.”

“Home?” Nick asked in surprise. “Aren’t you busy with like promotion and rehearsals and stuff? Louis you’re always busy!”

 “Not today.” Louis shrugged. “I guess I got a break. This evening I’ve got work but...” but this evening was clubbing with Finn so they could pap them with girls and make them out into players, “I’m a free bird.” _No he wasn’t, he had Jones controlling what felt like his every move._

“I’m getting my hair cut.” Cara revealed. “I don’t know how short I might go but probably not too short. Nick, I miss your hair being pink.”

 “I know, I do too.” Nick sighed. “Do you think I should go pink again?”

“Yeah.” Cara nodded. “Why not?”

Nick considered Cara’s suggestion and decided he liked it. “I might just do that then. Louis, have you got any plans for the rest of the day?”

“Um- not at the moment, I’ll probably just watch TV with Finn.”

 “Well that sounds just as good as getting your hair cut. It’s been a pleasure having you both in and I hope you come back soon.”

 “We will.” Cara promised.

 And that was the end of the interview. Louis let out a sigh of relief while he and Cara left in the same cab. Cara asked the driver to drop her at her hair salon and Louis was going to ask to be dropped off back home when he got a text from the person he wanted to see the most.

_I heard you on Radio One saying you have a free day now; do you want to come over?_

Of course Louis did.

 

“I bought food.” Was what Louis welcomed Harry with when he let Louis in. “Because I feel bad every time you cook for me.”

 Harry looked into the plastic bag. “You bought pot noodles?”

“Well I can cook them.” Louis shrugged.

 “You should seriously consider taking some cooking lessons.” Harry said but he was smiling fondly.

“I thought you were going to give me them.” Louis reminded with a wink and Harry laughed gently.

 “We could do that today, or we could do other stuff.”

“Other stuff like...” Louis started, hinting at maybe sex but Harry apparently hadn’t been thinking of that.

 “Like arranging what’s happening when we go and see 5 Seconds of Summer on Monday.”

Harry reminded Louis that they were going to the concert together and quite honestly that had completely slipped his mind.

 “Oh shit, yeah.” Louis remembered.

“You do still want to come right?” Harry checked, suddenly looking worried.

 “Yeah, of course.” Louis nodded, of course he did, there was just the overhanging question of whether it was a real date or just a promo thing to piss of Jones and McGee. “So what’s happening?”

 “Well I have to work until five but I can pick you up on the way there.” Harry told Louis.

“Yeah, that sounds good.” Louis smiled. “So like you’ll be at mine at half five?”

“Yeah, around that.” Harry nodded. “Um, Louis,” Harry asked softly and Louis looked back at him with hope, Harry sounded like he was going to ask an important question; this could be the end of the confusion over the 5SOS concert, “do you ever top?”

  _Oh, not what Louis had thought._ “Yeah, I can do either.” Louis nodded, “Do you want to bottom some time?”

“I’ve never done it.” Harry admitted quietly, “I just- I want to do it but with someone I trust.”

 “We can do that.” Louis nodded with a proud smile, the only thing in his head was that _Harry trusted him,_ “When do you want to do that?”

“Can we tonight?” Harry asked delicately, “I- Unless you have something with Cara.”

 “Finn and I are going clubbing for Jones, I don’t know if Cara will be there.” Louis shook his head. “But we can do it another day if you like.”

Harry hesitated and Louis picked up on it immediately,

“We don’t have to do it at all Harry, not if you’re unsure.”

 Harry shook his head, still looking torn. “I’m not unsure about wanting to do it, I know I want to but- does it hurt?”

 “It shouldn’t if we’re careful.” Louis promised, “We’ll use lots of lube and I’ll prep you carefully and take it slow.”

 “Did you ever top or bottom first?”

“I bottomed first with a guy.” Louis nodded and then blushed, “but I- Hannah got me a dildo as a bit of a joke for my birthday once- it was sort of- I’ve told you she knew I was into guys as well and I told her I wanted to know what it was like so she got me a dildo and- well when I properly had sex with a guy for the first time I knew that I wanted to bottom.”

 “Do you think I should try with a dildo first?” Harry asked but Louis shook his head,

“No, you don’t need to.” Louis shook his head. “I can finger you open and we’ll use lots of lube and it’ll be fine.”

 Louis didn’t want to push Harry into anything but simultaneously he didn’t want to scare him off. There were horror stories out there about bottoming going wrong and a couple of times Louis had been too drunk to use lube or get it right and it had been an awkward and painful experience but it wasn’t going to be like that.

“Can we do it now? Or- whenever you’re ready, I don’t know if you’re in the mood or what but-,” Harry was stumbling over his words but it was clear to Louis he was trying to sound casual about wanting to do it.

 “Harry hush.” Louis told him, putting a finger against his lips and taking a sterner tone. “Do you want to have sex now, yes or no?”

“Yes.” Harry nodded, eyes widening at Louis’ sudden dominance. “I- I like it when you’re controlling.”

 “I’m very versatile.” Louis grinned. “Did you buy some more lube after last time or-,”

“Shit- no.” Harry shook his head and Louis rolled his eyes.

 “That’s okay, we’ll go and buy some.”

 Harry whined and reached for Louis’ flyers but Louis shook his head firmly and swatted Harry’s hand away.

 “We’re not doing it without lube Harry, especially not if it’s your first time but really you should never do it ever.”

It took some persuading but eventually Harry got up and agreed to go with Louis to the nearest shop and find some lube. The closest one didn’t have any but after fifteen minutes of walking closely, talking and occasionally bumping hands they found a corner shop with a shelf of condoms and lube and bought some of both just to be on the safe side. It was when they were back at Harry’s flat when he told Louis something in a small voice next to his bedroom door.

 “I tried to bottom once but- we only got as far as fingers and I freaked out.”

“Who with?” Louis asked and Harry shrugged.

 “Some guy at a club but I didn’t trust him and we were drunk and-,”

“I’ll look after you Harry,” Louis promised, taking Harry’s hand and looking him straight into his eyes, “and if you want to stop at any point just say. You have to talk to me, tell me straight away if you feel uncomfortable just- we need to communicate because otherwise this isn’t safe.”

Harry gave a small nod and smiled slightly, “I will.” Then he opened the door and before he could do anything else, Louis pushed him up against the wall and kissed him hungrily. Harry looked so innocent and vulnerable and Louis just wanted to take care of him – it was time for Louis to be in charge.

 “Lou-,” Harry started and Louis stopped, wondering if he’d been too dominant or something but Harry was smiling, “No, don’t stop,” Harry told him, “I like this.”

 “Yeah?” Louis double checked and Harry nodded, pupils blown up.

Louis then pushed Harry to the bed, pushing him down onto it and pulling his t-shirt up over his head so that Harry’s chest was bare and Louis could pepper it with love bites.

 “Fuck you’re gorgeous,” Louis muttered and went back to Harry’s mouth.

“Can you-, can you fuck me now?” Harry asked breathlessly and Louis nodded. He’d wanted to take it slowly, make sure Harry was comfortable and was relaxed because the tenser Harry was the harder this would be but Harry was begging for him.

 “Yeah, turn over,” Louis nodded and Harry complied, raising his still covered arse up for Louis so Louis could pull his boxers down. Louis did so, exhaling though his nostrils as Harry’s milky skin was revealed; Louis loved it.

 

 “I didn’t expect it to be like that.” Harry admitted in a small voice as Louis wrapped his arms around him. “That was good, thank you.”

 “It’s okay babe.” Louis smiled softly. “What’s the time?”

“Almost five.” Harry told him, “When have you got to go out?”

 “Seven I think.” Louis tried to remember, “I can be a little late though, I don’t think Finn would mine.”

“What are you planning to do for two hours?” Harry asked with a little smile, “I don’t think I’m ready for a round two, top nor bottom.”

 “I wasn’t thinking of a round two,” Louis shook his head and pressed a gentle kiss to Harry’s back. “We can order pizza, sit in front of the TV, just relax.”

 “That sounds good.” Harry smiled. “I can’t be arsed to get dressed though, do you want to borrow a big shirt and be as cliché as possible? It’s too early to watch your Graham Norton isn’t it?”

 “Yeah.” Louis nodded, “Shall we find a romcom to watch instead, or- have you heard of RuPaul’s Drag Race?”

 “No...” Harry shook his head slowly. “What is it? Isn’t RuPaul a drag queen?”

“She’s _the_ drag queen.” Louis nodded. “It’s this show and it’s basically drag queens battling out to be the best one and win the competition.”

 “It’s a talent show for drag queens?” Harry asked in surprise. “Why haven’t I ever heard of this?”

“You can’t get it in the UK easily, I got addicted to it a couple of years ago on tour in America.”

 “Have you ever done full on drag?” Harry asked Louis, “Because I know you wear makeup sometimes but have you ever gone out in a dress or something like that?”

 “Not full on drag.” Louis shook his head. “Adam has done full on drag make up on me before and I did look fabulous but I’ve never done the whole hog. Have you ever done drag?”

 “No.” Harry shook his head. “But I need to see this show, where do you get it?”

“I usually pirate it.” Louis admitted. “Where’s your laptop, I’ll find it and we can watch it lying here.”

 

“Aren’t you meant to be out soon?” Harry asked sleepily two episodes of RuPaul and some experimental, unsuccessful tucking later. Louis pulled out his phone and looked at the clock before sitting up abruptly from where he’d been peacefully tucked underneath Harry’s arm.

 “Shit, I am meant to be at the club in ten minutes.” Louis stood up and began to hunt down his clothes before sniffing himself.

“I stink but I don’t have time to shower,” Louis groaned, “do you have any deodorant I can borrow, I’m all sweaty?”

Harry nodded and climbed out of bed and followed Louis into the bathroom, reaching into the cupboard where the lube was and pulled out a stick of deodorant.

 “Is this okay?” He checked and Louis nodded,

“I’m a spray man myself but yeah.” Louis nodded and put it on, splashing water on his face and running his fingers through his ruffled hair, he hadn’t realised Harry’s hand had been in it until he’d seen the multiple directions it was sticking it.

 

It was only Finn and Louis that were sent clubbing, Cara not having to suffer yet another night of pretending to be someone she wasn’t. Louis and Finn had done this before and had their games they liked to play but Louis didn’t really feel like pretending to lead anyone on tonight, not when he’s spent an afternoon of bliss with Harry.

 “Jones will kill us if there aren’t any pictures of us with girls.” Finn reminded Louis as he ordered yet another brightly coloured cocktail and avoided even looking at any girls. Finn scouted the club and spotted a girl he deemed suitable. “How about that one with the curly brown hair and long legs, she looks sort of like your boyfriend.”

 “I don’t know if he’s my boyfriend.” Louis sighed. “I still haven’t asked.”

“Well you need to.” Finn said, scanning the crowded room for another possible girl. “What about that one, she looks sort of like Adeline, the one in the orange dress.”

Louis looked across and saw who Finn was on about; a cold shiver ran down his spine. She looked too like Adeline, she could probably pass as Ada’s sister and Louis was reminded with a wince of how he’d felt when he’d first met Adeline at the Royal Variety show.

 They’d been waiting for the Queen to come along, Adeline was doing some stand up and The Rogues singing when Louis had realised who he was stood next to. He’d been a huge fan of Adeline even before, he’d seen her on all of the usual comedian shows but he’d also found her YouTube channel where she offered her amused thoughts on the week for a clan of dedicated fans to enjoy. Seeing Adeline for the first time in person had been so many miles away from watching her on a screen though. She was shorter and curvier than had come across on camera but her eyes were brighter and her dark skin seemed to glow as she smiled shyly at Louis.

 Louis had leant across, shaken her hand and said the only thing that could come to mind which was “It’s a good thing Prince Harry isn’t here tonight, otherwise you might be our new Princess” and Adeline had groaned at the cheesy chat up line and replied with a “Thomas, that was cheesier than my Granddad’s feet.”

 It had later transpired that Adeline had heard Louis being called Tommo so often she presumed his name was Thomas but Louis had been too distracted by the fact he suddenly felt like he was back at school with the cheap flirting to care. The next few months had followed similarly with Louis and Adeline meeting up, hanging out and flirting but never quite saying the crucial things until the trip to Wales.

 Louis realised that was what had happened with Harry. They’d met, Louis had been taken aback and they’d flirted, only the stunts had come in the way and it was slightly more complicated. Maybe the 5 Seconds of Summer concert would be their trip to Wales where they sorted it all out and finally said how they felt; Louis could only pray that that happened.

 Finn and Louis eventually found a blonde lesbian couple and asked if they could walk out with them. The couple were too excited at the fact Finn and Louis from The Rogues were talking to them that they didn’t ask why and when Finn offered to pay for their taxi home and a pap caught a photo of it Finn and Louis knew they were safe to go home.

 

_Come over please, I’m bored_

Louis’ heart did an excited flutter as he texted Harry his reply.

_I’m at Cara’s at the moment because I spent the night here but I’ll head over in about twenty minutes, FourFiveSeconds stuff._

Louis and Cara had been interviewed for the whole of Saturday for every single paper, website and gossip program out there and after being so drained of pretending to flirt, be excited and absolutely love what was going on Louis and Cara had gone back to Cara’s, pigged out on pizza and then Louis had slept in Cara’s spare bed.

 It was Sunday now and the morning had been spent sleeping and eating bacon and now it was lunchtime Louis wanted to see Harry before there was another week full of rehearsals and undoubtedly more stupid stunts.

 

“You were sleeping at Cara’s” Harry asked Louis when he answered the door, there wasn’t even a hello.

  _I thought you trusted me._

“We were promoting FourFiveSeconds all day yesterday and I was so wiped out by the end of it I couldn’t even be bothered to get a taxi from hers to mine so we ordered pizza and then I slept on her sofa.”

 “Oh, that makes sense.” Harry blushed. “It’s a good song, I don’t think I ever mentioned that the other day.”

 “Thanks.” Louis grinned. “What did you get up to yesterday?”

“I had my photo taken for our perfume promotion and then I binge-watched the entire season six of RuPaul’s drag race.”

 “Oh, sorry for getting you hooked.” Louis blushed. “Hey, did you watch my Graham Norton episode, I never got around to it and I want to know what they cut. You know when Ian spoke about going around schools spreading anti-bullying messages towards gay people, how much was said after that?”

 “Um-,” Harry struggled to recall. “Cara said a bit and then Finn made this sort of appeal for everyone to educate themselves and then they mentioned what you said at The Brits and moved on to something else, maybe they played a clip of the Hobbit- oh no, it was Ian telling children if they didn’t revise they would not pass.”

 “Nothing about Rainbow Rogues?” Louis checked and Harry shook his head.

“Why?”

 “Because I said some stuff to, trying to make our fans feel more comfortable and happy with themselves but I slipped up and hinted that we weren’t entirely straight so it got cut.”

 “Oh- that’s bad.” Harry pitied. “But no, there was nothing like that in it.”

 To try and make Louis feel better Harry produced a packet of Bourbons as he made him a cup of tea.

“Did you eat lunch?” Harry checked and Louis shook his head.

 “Well I’m teaching you how to cook then.” Harry smiled. “What do you want?”

“Um...” Louis forgot every single food he’d ever enjoyed except for one. “Pancakes.”

 “Pancakes?”

“I can’t cook pancakes.” Louis shrugged. “Did you see my Instagram post in February on pancake day, someone said they looked like grilled chicken.”

 “Yeah, I saw that,” a cheeky smile crept onto Harry’s face, “and maybe teaching you how to cook pancakes would be a good idea.”

 “You little shit.” Louis gasped but inside he was buzzing with adrenaline.

Harry led him into the kitchen and began to track down the ingredients needed to make the dish. Eggs, flour milk and a bit of salt, that much Louis had known.

 “Now there isn’t really that much to making pancakes,” Harry began, “as long as you measure the ingredients out right and whisk it well.”

 Whisking? Louis had only stirred it with a spoon... ah.

Louis listened intently as Harry began with his instructions, recommending the measurements he always used and showing Louis how to set the electric scales back to zero to make the whole cooking ordeal easier.

 “So what do you do with the ingredients?” Louis asked when Harry had put the bowl in front of him and the ingredients already in it.

 “You whisk them together.” Harry told Louis but Louis looked at him blankly.

“How do you whisk?”

 Louis was pretty certain every single hope and dream behind Harry’s eyes shattered in that moment but he managed to keep up the boyish smile on his face as he reached into a drawer, pulled out a whisk and wrapped his arm around Louis, crowding around Louis in an effort to teach him how to cook for the second time in this kitchen. Harry put the whisk into Louis’ right hand and then put his own right hand on it also, his left hand guiding Louis’ to the bowl to hold it.

 Harry began slowly, moving Louis’ hand in a small circle before slowly speeding up until his wrist was moving Louis’ own expertly around the bowl in a rapid but controlled pace. Harry’s breath was hot in Louis’ ear and his body fit perfectly around Louis’ but that wasn’t what Louis was focussed on.

“Are you hard?” Louis asked in surprise and Harry blushed.

It was understandable with their bodies to close, moving the way they were but the twelve year in Louis just wanted to laugh and tease Harry for getting hard at pancakes.

 “Maybe.” Harry murmured and he pressed a kiss to Louis’ neck, still moving Louis’ wrist to whisk the pancake mixture.

 “Haz- I think it’s mixed enough.” Louis told him gently but he didn’t want this to stop. A scene like this belonged in some cheesy Richard Curtis film with an embarrassed Hugh Grant bumbling his way through the recipe but this wasn’t a film, this was Louis and Harry stood in Harry’s kitchen with Harry’s hard penis poking into Louis’ bum while they whisked a pancake mixture.

Harry did however stop and moved away, his cheeks as red as the strawberries Louis hoped could be put onto the pancakes and before Harry could do anything else Louis dropped to his knees and pressed a kiss to Harry’s bulge.

 “Fuck yes Lou.” Harry nodded and Louis worked the zipper and had his lips around Harry before either man could really process what was happening. Louis was giving Harry a blowjob in the middle of cooking pancakes and it somehow felt romantic.

 

 The pancakes tasted good. Harry did have strawberries and Nutella which was Louis’ favourite topping (Harry had been offended at this) and the two men had munched pancakes in front of Love Actually after Louis told Harry of his earlier thought.

 When Love Actually ended Harry got off of the sofa and stretched, revealing a strip of skin between his jeans and his t-shirt that Louis’ eyes lingered for far too long on. He wasn’t going to be drawn back into Harry’s bed though. During Love Actually he had promised himself to not do anything sexual with Harry anymore until he had asked Harry what was up and what they were.

 “Um Harry,” Louis began,

“Yeah?” Harry asked, picking up mugs off of the coffee table and taking them through to the kitchen. Louis couldn’t ask now.

 “Where’s the Kendall engagement leading to?”

“Um- I’m not really sure but I know at some point we’re going to have a very public fight where she screams ‘I never wanted to marry you anyway’.”

 “And you don’t know when?”

“I suppose around some sort of promotion. I know it’s not for any album or single but... I don’t know.” Harry shrugged. “What about you and the baby?”

 “Around the album I’ve been told because the baby is due around then. Briana and I will fall out and I will demand a paternity test and oh guess what! The baby isn’t mine. I’m still not entirely sure what will happen with Cara during all of this but...  we’re just doing what we’re told for the moment.”

“Did you know Cara and Kendall have been arguing?” Harry mentioned casually, returning to the sofa; Louis was pretty sure there was a hint of accusation in Harry’s voice and he didn’t like it.

 “Yeah, they’re arguing because Cara doesn’t like Kendall’s sisters.” Louis explained just in case Harry didn’t know and was making an assumption.

 “Oh, okay.” Harry nodded. “I didn’t know why they were arguing, I thought maybe- well that doesn’t matter.” He shrugged, although Louis was pretty sure it did.

 It felt like a real sting that Harry didn’t trust him and that he was maybe even accusing Louis of being the reason for Cara and Kendall’s problems but Louis was prepared to put it behind them. It was early days, if it was anything, and no journey was ever smooth. For all Louis knew the questions could be because of a mutual uncertainty surrounding what Louis and Harry were and if anything it was more of a reason for Louis asking he crucial question.

 “Do you know what I miss?” Louis asked Harry gently, wanting to just change the mood to anything other than Cara and Kendall’s arguments.

“What do you miss?” Harry asked, his tone changing to a softer one, maybe sensing that Louis uncomfortable with what had just been discussed.

 “I miss having cuddles.” Louis sighed. “Just, nights in front of the TV cuddling.”

“We can cuddle.” Harry smiled and reached round behind Louis where he was seated on the sofa to wrap his arms around him. Louis couldn’t help but laugh at how awkward their position was and Harry’s hair was tickling his neck.

 “Not like this.” Louis shook his head. “Proper sofa cuddling.”

“Like spooning?” Harry asked, not removing his arms from around Louis’ body.

“Sort of.” Louis nodded with a blush. “Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?”

 “It depends.” Harry shrugged.

“I’m usually the big spoon but...” Louis didn’t finish, not knowing the best way to phrase it. _He just needed to be held and reassured that the sparks between him and Harry weren’t in his head._ “Being the little spoon tonight would be nice.”

 “That can be arranged.” Harry smiled and clambered onto the sofa around Louis, holding him tightly and tucking his chin onto Louis’ shoulder. “Come on, we’ll find something shit on TV to watch and I’ll big spoon you.”

They ended up watching Jeremy Kyle, true quality TV. They managed to watch half an hour before Louis was sick of the screaming Scousers arguing about whether or not their Step-Dad slept with them and they turned over to a repeat of One Born Every Minute.

 “It’s weird how something so beautiful causes women so much pain.” Harry murmured. “Life is a beautiful thing but it can sometimes kill people giving it.”

 “Yeah.” Louis agreed quietly, slightly glad Harry couldn’t see his face. “But even the whole process of pregnancy and how it can risk lives and change a woman’s body so much.”

 “What would you ever call your children?” Harry asked into Louis’ hair when a couple on the TV began discussing baby names.

The question was so delicate and Louis was currently being held in Harry’s tight, cosy arms but it only sent bad memories through Louis’ mind.

 “I don’t know.” Louis lied. If he ever had a son he would be called Freddie, a name Adeline and he had both loved because of their mutual love of Queen and if she was a girl it was likely Louis would call her Adeline now but they had once upon a time decided on the name Edith after Ada’s grandmother. “Just stupid shit.”

 “You’re going to call your children stupid shit?” Harry asked in disbelief. “I find that hard to believe.”

“Why?” Louis frowned.

 “Because you’re so ready to be a Dad. Did you never plan with Adeline or something?”

“No.” Louis muttered distantly, not needing reminding. “We never really spoke about the future.”

 “Oh.” Harry tightened his hold. “Sorry for asking, I just presumed you had.”

“It’s okay. It’s just- weird talking about Adeline.” Louis told him, hoping Harry couldn’t tell by his tone that Louis wasn’t telling the whole truth.

 

For the second night in a row Louis ordered pizza but this time ate it with Harry in front of the TV, trying to avoid the elephant in the room. The conversation was disjointed and awkward because the two were so obviously skirting around the real question but was still watching Harry talk animatedly about why he was growing his hair.

 Harry was beautiful. He was a mixture of sharp and soft and although his build and sharp jawline have the illusion of an older man his face was still boyish and his eyes were young and eager. Yet again Louis found himself wondering how Harry was still the person he was because if a sixteen-year-old Louis, just coming to terms with who he was, was forced into a closet and manipulated and controlled in the way Harry had been then Louis would be a broken man by now. Harry was strong, so strong and Louis admired how he could shrug it off and look for the positives like how he could now give to the people who deserved it.

 “And when we do the Make a Wish meet and greets it is amazing because you are making these little kid’s, who don’t have much, dreams come true and- it’s something as simple as giving them a hug and having a chat.” Harry told Louis as they munched on their pizza and Louis got it. Louis had often been told how selfless he was but he’d never felt that himself.

 He made other people happy because it made him feel good, he chatted to the sick children because it made him feel better because he has been handed these privileges and so many people weren’t.

 “I wish I was like that Haz.” Louis sighed and was rewarded with a funny look from Harry.

“You are.”

 “How am I?” Louis asked. “What have I done that is selfless?”

“Did you lie in the interview where you said you gave half of your first pay-check to your Mum?” Harry asked and Louis shook his head.

 “I gave her half of it but she deserved it for giving birth of me and raising me and well- being a Mum. I didn’t exactly give her the whole hog.”

 “What did Olly, Finn and Will do with their first pay check?” Harry asked and Louis thought for a second.

“Finn put it towards a car, Olly got clothes and Will took Heidi out for a really swanky dinner.”

 “How are you not being selfless? I spent all of my first pay-checks on new phones and laptops and things like that.”

 “I did too, just not all of it. The good things I do are to only make myself feel better.”

“I thought you watched Friends, there is no such thing a selfless good deed. Aren’t you a patron for the Believe in Magic charity? I heard there was going to be a ball or something like that because of you.”

 “There is but- well my Mum’s organised most of that, I just provide the money and hug and chat to the little girls.”

 “Eden Dora?”

“I couldn’t not help her, she’s lovely and- have you been stalking all the charities I help?” Louis asked in surprise and Harry blushed.

 “No- I just- I admire how much you help those who have less than you. It’s pretty selfless to me. Do you want the last slice of pizza?”

 “Is it selfish to say yes?” Louis checked and Harry shook his head.

“Have it.”

 Louis leant forward and took it while Harry watched the soap that was now on the TV with mild interest.

 “So you think you’re selfish?” Harry asked and Louis shook his head, chewing on the slice; when he was finished he explained himself.

 “I just- I don’t think I’m that special. All the fans put me on some sort of pedestal and I just think it’s a bit too much, it feels weird.”

 “I think you’re special.” Harry told Louis, “You’re a nice, giving and selfless guy and- I’m talking too much.”

 “No, I quite like you bigging me up.” Louis teased and Harry looked away, the dimples in his cheeks a clue as to how much he was smiling. Louis finished his slice of pizza and then Harry put the box in the bin leaving Louis to ponder over what Harry had just said because it didn’t sound platonic to Louis.

 “Do you want to have sex?” Harry asked when the pizza boxes were in the bin but Louis remembered his pact.

“No.” Louis shook his head and Harry’s eyes widened in surprise; to be honest Louis was surprised he’d finally gotten around to this after so much procrastinating. “I want to talk.”

Harry sat on the coffee table, looking at Louis slightly worried. “Talk about what?”

 “What are we Harry?”

Harry halted in his reply, his expression ambiguous to Louis. “What do you mean?”

“Tomorrow at 5 Seconds of Summer,” Louis began and Harry nodded, “am I coming with you to fuck things up thing or like an actual date?”

The question was out there and there was a huge weight off of Louis’ chest. He should have asked over a month ago when they’d kissed outside Louis’ flat but he hadn’t and was finally going to get the answer he needed.

 “A date?” Harry asked, surprise in his eyes. “I- No it was just to fuck things up Lou.”

_Oh. Louis felt his heart miss a beat. His mouth went dry and he looked away from Harry, looking anywhere so Harry wouldn’t see the devastation on his face._

_It had all been in Louis’ head. There was no chemistry, none of the sparks Louis had felt. When Harry had said “I want to fuck things up more than they’ve ever been fucked up before with you,” he’d meant fucking things up and nothing else._

“Shit Lou, did you think this was more?” Harry asked, coming over and kneeling in front of where Louis sat still on the sofa.

 “No.” Louis shook his head, forcing a laugh. “It’s just something Olly said about me spending too much time with you. He thought maybe we’d moved on from just trying to piss of Jones and McGee but I told him no, I was just checking in case I’d been oblivious to signals you were trying to send me.” _This was why Louis had never become the actor he’d dreamed of; Louis was pretty sure he was fooling no one._

 “No, I’ve been sending no signals.” Harry shrugged. “Was that all you wanted to talk about?”

“Um, yeah.” Louis nodded, still not looking Harry in the eye. “Can we not fuck tonight? I’ve had a long week and with 5SOS tomorrow I want to be wide awake to enjoy it.”

 Harry looked disappointed but nodded. “Yeah, I guess that’s a good idea. Do you want a lift back?”

As always Louis shook his head. “I can make my own way.”

Louis began to make his way to the door but on his way out glanced into the bathroom by complete chance: on the sink was stood a brand new deodorant – it was a spray one.

 Louis didn’t care anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't promise when the next chapter will be up so subscribe and follow my tumblr for updates, I have thirteen exams left so wish me luck :)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the wait, now enjoy :)

The first thing Louis saw when he got home was Finn and James sat on the sofa snuggling and that was all it took for the tears to come. He ran into the bathroom and held back from slamming the door before climbing into the shower, determined to wash away any trace Harry had left on his body. Harry had touched him everywhere and maybe they hadn’t had sex but Harry hadn’t kept his hands to himself and Louis felt dirty. He ran the water hotter than he should have and scrubbed his skin until it was red and raw to be certain that Harry was gone from him. And then he remembered blowing Harry off in the kitchen and climbed out of the shower, filling his mouth with mouth wash and gargling for far longer than he ever had before. He wanted Harry gone.

 When he was finished Louis wrapped himself in a towel and went to his own bedroom, trying desperately to look normal in case Finn or James noticed. When he was safely inside his bedroom he pulled on a clean pair of boxers and told himself it was no surprise Harry had said they were only friends.

 They’d never been anything more than friends who’d had sex; fucking their straight images up together was all it had ever been about and Louis had imagined any clue Harry had given about it being anything more. Harry had only ever needed Louis for publicity and for sex and Louis knew that, he had known that since the first kiss because Harry had made himself perfectly clear.

  _But Harry had gotten jealous when Louis and Cara had gotten closer again, that was why they’d argued after the Brits._

Louis and Cara being close ruined the stunt he and Harry were trying to carry out, that was why Harry had been mad. In the stupid, heteronormative world they lived in the second Cara appeared and was the new love interest for Louis the gay stunt was forgotten by everyone but Larry shippers. Kendall had been around for a while and was getting boring so everyone wanted a new interest for Harry but Cara and Louis dating was new and exciting, there was something for the tabloids to talk about other than Larry.

And the deodorant. Harry liked stick, he’d told Louis that only a few days ago but there was a brand new spray deodorant on his bathroom counter after Louis had commented on preferring spray when using Harry’s. There was obviously another explanation: the deodorant could have been on offer or been a perk from a sponsor deal, it wasn’t like Harry had intended for Louis to use it when he stayed over or anything like that.

 Louis’ phone rang from where it had been tossed onto his bedside table and for one mad second Louis thought it might be Harry ringing to tell Louis he’d been stupid and he’d said the wrong thing. Louis thought it could be Harry calling to say that he really loved Louis and Louis hadn’t imagined everything but when Louis checked his phone screen displayed the name _Mum._

With an angry shout Louis forgot about trying not to disturb the loved up couple in the living room and he threw his phone with his full strength at the wall opposite his bed and was rewarded with an almighty crack as the phone screen smashed.

 A few moments of silence throughout the flat followed and then there was the sound of someone climbing off the sofa and a few seconds later Finn’s blonde head was poking around Louis’ bedroom door, concern etched on his face.

  “Lou?”

“Fuck off.” Louis sobbed. “Everything’s fine.”

 “Lou-,”

“No, it’s fine Finn!” Louis insisted. “I’m going to see 5 Seconds of Summer tomorrow with Harry fucking Styles and there will be lots of cameras taking photos of us and lots of people watching us and reporting back on every movement we make and it’ll all be very stupidly public because that’s all we are. Friends with fucking benefits that fake a romance for publicity so everyone can see.” His sobs were angry and he pulled his duvet up over his head when he was finished, not wanting to speak to Finn.

 Louis heard Finn leaving and almost let out a hollow laugh. Finn didn’t want anything to do with Louis in the state he was in. Finn was going to ignore the fucked up bandmate of his and was instead going back to his boyfriend, a man who he knew exactly where he stood with. Why couldn’t Louis and Harry have been like Finn and James? A friend had introduced them, Finn had asked James out for a date and the rest was history.

 The front door opened and closed and Louis wondered if Finn and James had gone to continue their night away from Louis and his sobs. They’d probably go back to James’ flat and have sex and then cuddle and tell each other they loved them and then tomorrow morning they’d wake up next to each other and kiss and make each other breakfast and tea and it would be all fine and perfect because they had each other and knew what was going on.

But then Louis heard steps coming back into his bedroom and closer to the bed. The mattress dipped and Finn was climbing onto Louis’ bed next to him. Louis stayed silent; he didn’t know what to say or think or even consider what Finn was doing. The duvet was lifted up and Finn was lying under it next to where Louis was curled up, sobbing into his knees.

 “Just so you know,” Finn mumbled, getting comfy in Louis’ bed, “James went home but I’m staying and you’re allowed to cuddle me or pour your heart out to me or both tonight.” _Why?_ “I don’t want you feeling lonely because I remember what it’s like to be said no to or let down and last time I was rejected I felt absolutely worthless, like I had no purpose, so I’m here just in case you feel the same to remind you that I think you have a fuck load of worth and purpose and just because Harry can’t see that doesn’t mean no one else can.” Louis slightly uncurled from the ball he’d made himself into, enough to remove his head from under the duvet and see Finn’s blond head that was looking right back at him. “Please don’t try and have sex with me though, James might have something to say about that.”

 “Okay.” Louis muttered, still aching but- but Finn was here for him. Finn understood and Finn was there to help Louis.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Finn tried gently and Louis just shrugged, only feeling hollow and empty like there was little point to anything now. Louis seemed to have felt like this a lot in the past year.

 “I got it wrong.”

“Completely?” Finn checked and Louis nodded.

 “5 Seconds of Summer is promo only and the sex was just fun. All the times he cooked me dinner and asked me to stay after we fucked and all the times we cuddled and he bought the deodorant I like and acted like he actually gave a shit, that was all just leading to nothing and I got it wrong.”

“I’m sorry Lou.” Finn muttered but Louis shook his head.

 “It’s not your fault,” Louis told him, “everyone told me to ask him sooner and if I had I wouldn’t be like this now.”

Finn considered it for a moment and then shook his head. “We’re not going to talk about that prick anymore because it’ll only make you feel shitty. Your phone is fucked.” Louis glanced over to the patch of wall he’d thrown it at and then at the floor where it lay with a shattered screen.

 “I’ll get a new one at some point.” Louis muttered. “Can you please text Kerri in the morning and get her to tell my Mum my phone broke. She’ll be worried that I never answered her call.” Louis considered using Finn’s phone to ring his Mum now but he eventually decided against it. She would ask how he was and he knew he’d cry again and then his Mum would be worried and all sorts of problems could arise.

 Louis fell asleep with Finn next to him. A part of him wished that Finn had been there like this for him when Ada had passed away and he’d missed the body next to him and the feeling of home that Adeline had been, but a part of him was just grateful that Finn was here now next to him and reminding Louis that he was still valid.

 

 When Louis woke up everything made him emotional. Louis had never imagined experiencing the devastation he’d had when he’d lost Adeline again but the hole in his chest he had right now was pretty close.

 He got up to an empty bed and felt on the verge of crying some more until he discovered Finn in the kitchen cooking him breakfast but even then it was pancakes. Louis forced the food down him, trying to forget how just yesterday he and Harry had made pancakes and Louis had fucking blown Harry off while kneeling on his kitchen floor because of the whole whisking ordeal.

 “Thank you.” Louis croaked when he’d finished his share and Finn smiled back; Louis had successfully kept him under the impression that the pancakes were good and what Louis really needed right now.

 And the fucking deodorant. When Louis reached out in the bathroom in his normal routine and realised what was in his hand he jumped and dropped it.

 The fucking spray deodorant.

And then Louis was sobbing into the sink because none of it made any fucking sense.

 If Harry hadn’t wanted him, if he’d truly only been there as a fuck buddy and a bit of gay promo then why had he bought the deodorant? He hadn’t been running out when Louis had used it just a few days previously so it was illogical for Harry to buy a new one.

 But apparently it wasn’t. Apparently it was completely logical to buy the deodorant that was of Louis’ preference and to cuddle with him on the sofa and to discuss the delicate details like baby names with him and then to tell Louis that actually no, Louis didn’t mean anything to him at all.

 And there was Louis’ broken phone. Louis had caved in and rang his Mum from Finn’s phone when the morning had come around, listening as Jay told him about how she and Dan had been kept awake by Ernie and Doris all night and how Phoebe and Daisy were growing up so fast and it seemed like just yesterday that Louis had rung home telling his Mum that he was starting a band with some new friends and how that had changed their life and that Jay couldn’t thank Louis enough for it. Louis listened to Jay’s thanks and stories from home and tried not to let on with how broken he felt, with how much he wanted to go home and be around his happy and loving family, around people who actually wanted him.

 Everything hurt.

Louis was numb throughout rehearsals. His fingers played chords and his mouth sang words but it was all meaningless and there was no feeling or expression. Louis could tell Finn had forewarned Will and Olly about his state because neither of them asked about the red eyes or occasional sob that returned to him when he remembered another detail about Harry like the mole on his cheek or his dimples when he smiled. Olly, Finn and Will let Louis be in his own world and mentally prepare himself for the night that was to come.

 Louis had a plan but his plan wouldn’t protect Louis for the rush of feelings that were sure to hit him when he spent an evening with Harry. Louis’ plan was a stupid one, one that wouldn’t end well and would almost undoubtedly just end in a fresh wave of confused feelings but Louis needed to do something.

When The Rogues took a lunch break Louis and Olly headed off together to pick up some food up for them all and Olly didn’t stay silent very long.

 “Finn mentioned that Harry didn’t feel the same as you did about the two of you.”

Louis nodded, watching his worn out vans avoid the puddles of fresh rainwater, how very poetic the weather was feeling.

 “But Louis,” Olly continued, “I spoke to Niall this morning and apparently Harry has been off so-,”

“He doesn’t want anything from me but promo and sex.” Louis told Olly finally. “He was quite clear about that.”

 “If you say so.” Olly sighed. They were silent for the rest of their venture out.

 

 Louis was on a mission. He dug out eye shadow palettes he’d not opened for years, he even tidied and filled his eyebrows in along with concealing a few spots. Louis spent longer than usual on his hair and remembered how Adam had shaped his fringe the perfect way. Harry didn’t want him but Louis wasn’t going to settle with that; Louis was going to show Harry exactly what he was missing. He found his tightest pair of jeans, his t-shirt with his lowest scoop neck and to finish off he found a baby pink nail polish and painted both of his ring fingers the delicate colour.

 “Are you off Louis?” Finn asked, sticking his head around the door, “Holy shit, you’re going to knock him out.”

Finn wasn’t a stranger to seeing Louis dress himself up. At Christmas Will and Heidi had gotten Louis a new eye-shadow palette and Louis had tried out every single shade throughout their trip. Since then, however, Louis hadn’t gone near his make-up and maybe Finn had forgotten how good Louis could make himself look, Louis certainly had. For the past few weeks Louis had looked varying levels of tired and washed out but if that was what Harry had been seeing and not liking, Louis was going to show him what he could do and make him wish he’d just admitted to his feelings because Louis was sure they were in there somewhere, even if it was very deep down.

 “That’s my plan.” Louis told Finn, “And I’m not getting into bed with him, I’m not- he’s not worth it anymore.”

Finn nodded, just watching as Louis pulled on his Vans and fixed his hair for a final time.

 “He told me he’d be here around half five so it won’t be long now.”

As if by magic the door rang and Finn went to answer it, rolling his eyes when Harry undoubtedly asked if Louis was coming down.

“He’s waiting downstairs for you.” Finn told Louis.

“Okay.” Louis smiled, but his heart was hammering.

 “Remember to be careful and- ring me if anything goes wrong or you need picking up or- just ring me if you need help.”

“I will.” Louis promised and kissed Finn’s cheek goodbye. “Thanks for last night as well, and breakfast this morning.”

 “I’m just looking out for a brother.” Finn smiled, “Have fun.”

“Hi.” Harry smiled when Louis opened the taxi door to sit beside him. “Oh wow, you look amazing.” Harry did a full body check out before checking if Louis was ready to go.

 “Yeah, I’m buzzin’.” Louis nodded. He couldn’t have been looking any less forward to tonight; it was a night watching one of his favourite bands, four of his friends, playing some of his favourite songs stood next to a man he’d helplessly fallen for while knowing that Harry wanted nothing in return but a couple of headlines and maybe an orgasm. “So do you know 5 Seconds of Summer well?” Louis checked, wanting the talk to be about anything but themselves.

 “Ashton tweeted me once asking to write back when they were supporting your tour a few years ago,. We met and wrote together and became friend, oh and he dated my sister Gemma for a bit.” Harry nodded. “How about you?”

 “Well I found them and followed their progress for a bit because it reminded me of what I was like at school and the shitty band I was in and... if I’d been in their position it would have meant everything to have someone tweet about us and like us so much that they wanted to share us so me with my following, I thought why not? And then we needed people to support us on tour so of course we invited them along and spent a load of time with them. They were just starting out and were asking us a lot of questions about touring, making an album, the fans and it was quite grounding to have people like that around. It’s amazing that they are playing the O2, I sort of feel like a proud older brother.” Louis smiled, but he still felt like shit inside.

 “Were you going to go and see them with the band?” Harry asked and Louis shook his head.

“We haven’t had much free time, this was our only free evening and Finn wanted to spend it with James, Will and Heidi have gone out for dinner and Olly’s seeing his sister. Louis didn’t mention the writing session he had already planned with Ashton and Luke the next morning. He didn’t want Harry to know any more about his life, he wanted him gone from it completely.

 

They caused a stir arriving, of course they were going to. A huge amount of 5 Seconds Summer of fans had first heard the band at a Rogues concert, had seen their first 5 Seconds of Summer music video when Harry had tweeted a link and Harry and Louis were both pretty recognisable at the moment anyway thanks to their PR teams.

“This was a bad idea.” Louis murmured as they were led by security to their VIP box. They were separated from most of the fans anyway but a few of the lucky ones – the ones with well-connected parents – were in this quieter part of the arena and were muttering and taking photos.

 “I thought this was what we did,” Harry frowned. “We cause a stir remind everyone that everything said about us is bullshit.”

 Louis’ heart wasn’t in this but it was too late now. Maybe Louis’ heart had never been in the fucking up the pair of them had done. Maybe Louis had only ever been in this for Harry and now it was clear Louis had been wrong he didn’t want to do this anymore. He knew what a hue affect this could have on everyone. If Louis got the band dropped then Kerri would struggle to feed Amy and get another job similar to what she did now, Heidi and Will would both be out of a job, Adam would need to find someone else to dress and style, their security men – some of whom had children – wouldn’t have an income anymore. There was a huge circle of people that were going to be affected by what Louis did and maybe before he’d been too ignorant to care.

 “You look good tonight Louis; I didn’t realise I liked make up on men so much.” As Harry said this he placed his hand on the small of Louis’ back and Louis felt his cheeks heat up. These were the clues Harry gave, admitting he was attracted to Louis, making physical contact.

 Louis subtly pulled away from Harry’s hand. He pretended there was an issue with his shoe and stopped to adjust it just so Harry was no longer there touching his body. It was too much and if Louis wasn’t careful he’d let himself fall again – he didn’t need to be heart-broken twice in a week.

 

What I Like About You was the final song of the show and Louis had never wished a concert to be over so fast. He loved 5 Seconds of Summer and knew every single word of every single song but when this concert was over he could go home

Louis looked to Harry, trying to remember what he’d liked about him and Harry looked back. He looked so in love, he looked like he actually cared and it killed Louis – it hurt that Harry was such a good actor and could turn it on just like that when people might be watching. He turned away from the stage, towards Louis and leant in; Louis knew what was coming and closed his eyes, not wanting to watch as Harry took control of his mouth.

Harry lent in to kiss Louis in the heated, crowded and noisy arena and Louis let him. Louis let Harry kiss him but didn’t let himself feel any of the excitement and tingling that he’d let himself feel the previous times he’d been attached to Harry’s lips. Louis wanted to vomit; he wanted to run far away; he wanted to scream at Harry that kissing was so much more than an act of PDA for Larry shippers but instead he let Harry use him that way.

 Harry went in for a second kiss as well and Louis heard a few excited shouts from around them so pulled away. Jones would skin him; McGee would ruin Harry. This was a stupid and reckless move for two stars who had so much to lose.

 “Stop.” Louis muttered, shaking his head, “I think we’ve done enough damage Harry, people will have gotten their pictures.”

 “Oh- okay.” Harry pulled back, still smiling though. “Shall we leave before the rush of crowds?”

“Yes.” Louis nodded, needing to leave. They climbed into the back of a taxi and Louis may have been paranoid but Harry was touching Louis at every opportunity. He guided him out of the building, had his hand on his back as they clambered into the back seat and put his hand on Louis’ knee when he asked if he wanted to come back to his.

 Louis shook his head. “No thank you, I have stuff tomorrow and- I’m not in the mood.”

 “Oh- not even to-?”

“No, I’m not coming over Harry.” Louis said firmly before telling the taxi driver his address.

He felt used and dirty and it was all of Harry’s fault.

 

Finn was waiting up for Louis again and this time Olly was sat with him. The TV was on playing an old episode of Doctor Who and as soon as Louis turned his key in the lock they whipped their heads around and instantly stood and came up to Louis to check how he was.

 Louis’ makeup had run slightly, his eyes looking more like a panda than the smokey eye they had been earlier and he was feeling drained of any feeling. He accepted the cup of tea Olly made him and the three of them sat around the dining table so Louis could tell them how the night’s events had unfolded.

 “As soon as we arrived we were recognised and some security people led us to our special box. We were away from most people but some fans could still see us and there were a couple around. Harry kept telling me I looked good, kept touching my back, checking I was okay and offering to take me for a drink after the show but I just- I don’t really remember how the kiss happened, I just zoned out of it all really.”

 “The show began to end and Harry leant in with his eyes closed and we kissed and I almost threw up but of course smiled and he kissed me again and he felt really into it and I wasn’t and then- I told him to stop because we’d probably done too much damage and we left pretty soon after that to get to our car before the rest of the fans left. And then he insisted on helping me into the car and kept touching my back and knee and asking me to go back to his again and I said no, I told him I had a load of stuff happening tomorrow and I wasn’t in the mood and we were quiet for the rest of the journey.”

 “Then we got here and he walked me right to the door even though I told him not to and he reminded me that exactly where we were stood was where we had had our second kiss and- and that was where it had all fucking started but he kissed me goodnight and all I wanted to do was to scream at him and tell him to go and fuck with someone else but- he was such a gentleman and- I don’t understand him.” Louis finished.

Louis wasn’t going to cry now, he’d done enough of that last night and this morning and he was just bitter now. Bitter because he’d let Harry, a stranger, kiss him in front of Niall’s camera and then he’d agreed to fuck things up even more with Harry and now he was broken and no better than he had been six months ago when Adeline had died.  “I’m not seeing him again. He can’t contact me while my phones broken and I’ll tell Kerri to reject any contact he or his management try to make and I’m just going to focus on music for a few months because we’re supposed to be going on tour and writing a new album.”

 “Good idea.” Olly nodded approvingly.

 “But there’s something else.” Louis wondered whether this was worth sharing and decided it was, “Harry left so many clues. Remember at The Brits at Nick’s party we had an argument in the bedroom. I remember him clearly saying then that he thought we’d wanted the same thing but it was obvious I was just using him for my own help. I remember back then thinking how that wasn’t something that two guys just doing promo together said and he was jealous, so jealous I’d spent most of the night with Cara.” Both Finn and Olly just shrugged and it was fair enough, they hadn’t spent time with Harry the same way Louis had, they hadn’t seen the hurt in his eyes that night.

 “And then,” Louis continued, “when he rang me in L.A we were joking about me being flirtatious when I’m drunk obviously doing something for him and he told me I did something for him even when I wasn’t flirting and I asked him there and then what he meant and he changed the subject.”

 “How definite did he sound about you not being anything but promo?” Olly double checked and Louis tried to remember last night. It was mostly hurt but the moment stayed clear in his mind.

 

_“Tomorrow at 5 Seconds of Summer,” Louis began and Harry nodded, “am I coming with you to fuck things up thing or like an actual date?”_

_The question was out there and there was a huge weight off of Louis’ chest. He should have asked over a month ago when they’d kissed outside Louis’ flat but he hadn’t and was finally going to get the answer he needed._

_“A date?” Harry asked, surprise in his eyes. “I- No it was just to fuck things up Lou. Shit Lou, did you think this was more?” Harry asked, coming over and kneeling in front of where Louis sat still on the sofa._

_“No.” Louis shook his head, forcing a laugh. “It’s just something Olly said about me spending too much time with you. He thought maybe we’d moved on from just trying to piss of Jones and McGee but I told him no, I was just checking in case I’d been oblivious to signals you were trying to send me.”_

_“No, I’ve been sending no signals.” Harry shrugged. “Was that all you wanted to talk about?”_

Olly and Finn were still looking at Louis for an answer.

 “He looked really surprised that I’d asked whether tonight was a date and told me he’d been sending no signals.” Louis groaned into his hands. “What kind of arsehole does that? What kind of arsehole leads on a guy still fucked up from his last girlfriend dying and then has the nerve to still be nice to him, still trying to lead him on after he’s said it’s nothing more than a bit of fucking up?”

 Louis looked back to Olly and Finn who were both looking at Louis with pitiful eyes. That’s all Louis was to them: a wounded animal that they couldn’t help, that was probably what Harry had seen Louis as too.

 Harry had probably known about Louis and Adeline because everyone in the industry knew each other’s secrets. Harry had known Louis would be fragile and desperate for any kind touch and he’d exploited that for his own benefit because in the middle of all these gay rumours he’d proposed to Kendall Jenner and everyone was dying to know the truth.

Finn broke the heavy silence. “Harry just tweeted something.”

“What did he tweet?” Olly asked but Louis didn’t want to know. It’d be something denying the kiss, something reminding everyone how much he hates gay rumours and Louis and how much he loves his fiancée Kendall.

 “Harry tweeted ‘A moment, a love, a dream, a laugh, a kiss, a cry, our rights, our wrongs...A Moment AAAHHHHHH!!”

 “What does that mean?” Olly asked with a frown while Finn looked like he was trying desperately to work it out too. Louis put them out of their misery while opening his laptop.

 “It’s from Sweet Disposition, that song I was obsessed with around the time of The Brits.”

“Oh- I remember you telling Dec that.”

 “I did.” Louis nodded, logging into twitter so he could see the damage for himself, “and Harry obviously remembered and a load of fans will too and link tonight to the song and-,” _he never wanted to listen to the song again. Harry had invaded Louis’ mind and body and now he was even seeping into the songs Louis listened to._

 “There are photos of your kiss!” Finn exclaimed. “Oh, they’re all sort of blurry but it’s quite obvious your faces are close. You can tell he’s got his hands on you Lou, James and I on-.”

 “Finn, maybe don’t.” Olly hinted gently but Louis wasn’t really paying any attention. A new tweet appeared at the top of Finn’s time line and he frowned a looked up to Louis.

_@Louis_Tomlinson: Fuck you @Harry_Styles._

It wasn’t even from management.

 

It had been a while since Louis had had a vivid dream and he blamed the cup of tea Olly had given him late last night.

 The dream wasn’t a story as much, just fragments of the time Harry and Louis had spent together except everything Harry did made Louis want to melt into his being and then just when it was getting perfect everything shattered into shards of glass trying to hurt Louis. Louis remembered the time they’d worn the t-shirts out into London and the time they’d sat on the edge of the stage at the Brits, edging around what they should have been taking about. Moments stirred from where they were hidden in Louis’ unconsciousness and even moments from before he kissed Harry like the time four years ago when he’d rung into BBC Radio One when White Eskimo were on to tell all the listeners to buy The Rogues album and Harry who must have only been seventeen or eighteen at the time had told Louis that if he wasn’t careful he’d regret speaking ill of White Eskimo.

 Was this Harry’s revenge? Was Harry still annoyed that Louis had gate-crashed some Eskimo promo all of those years ago? If anything Louis hope it was that because at least that gave an explanation to why Harry was hurting Louis like this.

 

Yet again The Rogues were rehearsing in the morning and touring was what Louis needed right now. He needed a distraction and a place to just lose himself for a few hours a night. The beginning of the tour was still a few weeks away but it was drawing closer and the excitement of a tour was returning to Louis.

 The last Rogues tour had ended in a car-crash. When they’d kicked it off they’d been high on adrenalin, in happy places and ready to give the fans what they deserved.

 But then Adeline’s cancer had been diagnosed and all of the other shit that had come with that had affected the whole band and when the last few shows had arrived they’d all just been playing to get through them, playing the songs with no passion and not giving it anything. They weren’t proud of the way they’d ended the tour but they’d not been able to help it.

 Adeline, like James and Heidi, had been close to and friends with all of them and when they learnt she didn’t even have until Christmas it was a shock to all of them. Louis was The Rogues’ front man and he’d been hit the hardest. When Louis wasn’t into it none of them were and when Louis had his heart back in London where Ada was then the whole band had felt that.

 Louis wasn’t going to let whatever the fuck was going on with Harry destroy the band like before.

 

Louis remembered with a pang that his phone was still destroyed and so paced outside the door; Ashton knew he was coming at two and would surely come down and see where Louis was at some point. Louis’ watch read 14:09 and he was beginning to wonder whether it was worth finding a payphone and trying to contact someone that way when a voice came from up ahead.

 “Why the hell are you waiting down their Tommo?”

Louis looked up and saw Luke’s blonde head and boyish grin. “Luke, I broke my phone, let me in!” Louis called up. A second later, Ashton’s head appeared out of the window too. “Ash, come and let me in!”

 “Nah.” Ashton shook his head. “Just wait there, we’ll tweet our location and let you get ravaged by fangirls.”

 “Have you been kissing boys again Louis?” Luke smirked and Louis rolled his eyes.

“I’ll give you all of the gossip if you let me up.” He promised.

 “No, just shout it for everyone to hear.” Ashton grinned, but then his head disappeared and Louis knew he was coming to get him.

Louis only had to wait a minute in the cool air before the door was opening and Ashton with his wide smile was stood there, grinning at him from cheek to cheek.

 “G’day Tommo.” Ashton pulled Louis in for a hug and Louis received it gratefully. “You should have come backstage at the show last night, we could have had a great party! Or did you go back to his and-,”

 “Don’t Ash.” Louis shook his head. “Just-,” he sighed, “I’ll tell you when we’re upstairs but... it’s not like that.”

 “Oh, okay.” Ashton nodded like he understood and led Louis up to the room he and Luke were in.

 

“So what happened?” Luke asked and Louis didn’t know where to start. How much did Luke and Ashton already know about Harry and Louis?

 “Harry and I kissed back in February and then we didn’t talk about what it really meant and started fucking. We always said we were just fucking up the media but it felt like he was leading me on. It turns out I got it wrong but he’s still messing me around.”

 Louis had distanced himself from the events enough by now and was just numbed by them – or at least he told himself that. When they began writing and Louis began scribbling words down in his notebook the emotions came flooding back and he felt slightly sick as his chest ached and his hand shook.

 It made no sense. None of it made any sense and Louis just wanted to grab Harry by the shoulders, shake him and make him spell it all out to him.

 But he couldn’t do that.

_“I’ll take what you got, I know it’s not a lot.”_ Louis muttered. “ _I just need another hit, you’re the thing that I can’t quit.”_ Louis for the previous week had been addicted to Harry, had needed to see him whenever he could and even now his heart ached because the place where Louis had found safety and stability had been taken from him.

 “Shit Lou.” Ashton muttered, “That’s sad stuff.” Louis, however, ignored him and kept singing the words that came to him while Luke strummed the guitar.

“ _You got what I want, here but then you’re gone,”_ because Harry was here for Louis when Louis needed him, but he wasn’t in so many other ways. He’d fooled Louis into trusting him, into believing Harry felt the same and yet Harry hadn’t. It all kept coming back to that and it was maddening.

“ _if you told me that we were through, you know that I would break the truce.”_ Ashton supplied before Louis could even think of a next line.

The three of them ended up focussing on those lyrics for the rest of the afternoon. Ashton contributed to the chorus and next verse with the lyrics and helped Louis distance himself.

_“I want to breathe you in like a vapour, I want to be the one you remember,”_ Luke sang from the corner.

Ashton bought in the next line. _“I want to feel your love like the weather, all over me.”_

_“I want to print our hands in the pavement, savour your words and don’t ever waste them, look in your eyes and know just what you meant, so lie to me, just lie to me.”_ Louis finished.

 “Did Harry fuck you up that bad?”

Louis shook his head but he didn’t really know. “I just- we never talked about it and I presumed it was serious and... no.”

 “ _Make it sound so sweet, when you lie to me.”_

Fuck you Harry Styles. Fuck you indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you to my wonderful beta Mira, her tumblr is @kingofthejungleandcultleader (if that url doesn't make you want to follow her then what will?)   
> If you want updates with this fic then you can press the subscribe button and follow me on tumblr (@written_with_no_end) and feel free to send me a message about the fic if you want to talk about it.   
>  You can also chat to me in the comments because I will always reply and be sure to leave kudos if you enjoyed it.   
> I love you all and I am free of exams now so I promise updates will be more regular xxx


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 1D Birthday everybody, now enjoy this chapter! xx

It took two weeks for Louis to get a new phone but they were two weeks of Harry-free bliss. All of the shitty promo had stopped now and it was rehearsals all day, every day. Louis might have been exhausted, his fingers might have been raw and he might have been struggling to remember the set-list and choreography, but Louis was occupied and busy and that was all he really needed right now. For the majority of the day he was surrounded by the tour crew working hard, it was only when Louis got back to the flat late at night and was left on his own in the quiet that he let his spirits fall.

 There was a gaping hole in Louis’ life yet again.

When Louis would have rung Harry and gone and seen him, he now sat in bed staring at the crack in the wall from when he had thrown his phone at it. When Louis would have gotten a rush from Harry’s hands on his back or the fans pulling apart his carefully constructed image, he now nodded numbly when people mentioned his and Cara’s name in the same sentence. He found himself skyping home more but if anything that made it worse because he wasn’t there. His family told him about the days out they were having but Louis couldn’t be there with them and he was missing out. Lottie wasn’t working for White Eskimo full-time any more but she told Louis when she was and it was often accompanied with ‘Harry doesn’t look very well’; Louis suspected that Lottie blamed him because Louis didn’t let her see his decline in health and spirit, he stayed strong as far as she knew and it was Harry who was struggling with the ‘break up’.

 And that was what everyone was calling it: a break up. Whether it was a slip of a tongue from Heidi or something Phoebe said in passing on the phone when Louis told them that he and Harry weren’t talking any more, it was what everyone was seeing it as and that hurt more than anything. It hurt because that was what it felt like and yet if Harry and Louis had just been friends then it can’t have been a break up.

 “Friends can break up.” Olly told Louis delicately when Louis turned to him with his troubles but Louis shook his head.

 “But did you see us as just friends?”

Olly hesitated and Louis knew exactly why. It was becoming apparent that everyone had been under the impression Louis and Harry were dating, for the fans, for their friends and family, even to Simon Jones. The only person who didn’t seem to have thought Louis and Harry were dating was Harry Styles and the only explanation was that Harry had set out to hurt Louis.

 Sick bastard.

 

 The Rogues had a pre-show tradition like every other band out there. Before Louis, Olly and Will popped up at the front of the stage and Finn popped up behind his drum kit they gathered in a close huddle, left hand in the middle and right hand on the person to their right’s shoulder and muttered “Until the end”. Then, like every single show The Rogues have ever played, Will took charge and gave them their pep talk.

 “This is the first show, let’s kill it.” Will told them. “I don’t have good memories about the end of last tour, I don’t think any of us do because we went through hell and high water. We’ve been through shit again this year and who knows what we’re going to face on this tour. This is going to be our last tour for a while and we’ve put our all into designing it and rehearsing. We’re in this together and we’re all in this until the very end. Let’s go and show them that we’re not finished yet.”

 The first show flew by without a hitch. The Rogues had introduced a new segment where they picked a fan close to the end of the show to pick any song for them to play, whether they’d already played it or whether it had been a b-side to their second single that the band hadn’t played in almost five years.

 The fan luckily had asked for a song off of the fourth album that hadn’t made it onto the set-list but it had been fun trying to work it out in front of the audience with the lucky fan dancing with them on the stage.

 Performing terrified Louis; performing always had and Louis could never go solo, but when he was on stage with The Rogues he felt at home. Will, Olly and Finn all knew Louis, they could tell when Louis was running out of breath, they could tell when he was going to miss his cue and they always had his back and the fans did too. If Louis knew he wouldn’t make a note he could hold out his microphone and they would sing it for him gladly and if he was having a bit of a down day all he needed was to read some of the posters, to see the happy faces looking at him and remember why he did what he did.

 But there was still a hole. When Louis climbed into his bunk on the tour-bus to sleep and the silence fell he ached a bit.

 Touring was a distraction but it wasn’t a cure.

 Touring gave Louis adrenaline rushes, surrounded him with a mismatched family and gave him a new purpose in life. The silent nights on the tour bus reminded Louis of how lonely he really was. Louis was surrounded by three bandmates he would dare to call brothers, his tour family who all cared deeply about him and his well-being but he was lonely.

 In everyone there is a void. Some people fill it with religion, others with friends and family and that was what helped them travel through life; Louis needed his void filled with friends, family, but more importantly a committed partner. Louis struggled to exist alone because he needed to bounce off someone’s energy and have that support and boost that someone like Harry gave him.

 Except Harry wasn’t supposed to give that energy to Louis.

Harry and Louis were ‘just friends’.

 That was how the UK leg of the tour went. Louis woke up, surrounded himself with his tour family and gave it his all. Then Louis would crawl into his tour bus bunk and wallow in self-pity while he thought about what he’d once had. It wasn’t healthy but it was better than chasing a man who’d never intended on giving him anything but hurt.

 Louis was on his way up in life.

Louis’ family came to the Leeds date of the tour and he was reunited with one of the things he needed in his life.

 It hadn’t been that long since Louis had seen Jay and gone to Wales with her but with all of the change it felt longer so he held onto her tightly. As for Daisy, Phoebe, Fizzy and Lottie: Louis felt himself choke up as they crowded around and pulled him in for hugs. He had texted them, skyped them, and rang them whenever he could but it wasn’t the same as feeling their smaller bodies in his arms, hearing their happy chatter and inescapable bickering and just knowing they were still there. Louis should have gone home at Christmas; Louis should have let his family wash over him and fix him but instead he’d let his band do that, not wanting to intrude on his family’s happiness.

 Their happiness was intruding on his sadness now and it was fixing him.

 Dan, Doris and Ernie had also come and Louis awkwardly shook Dan’s hand, not all that familiar with his Mum’s husband due to the fact he never went home, but then he picked both Ernie and Doris up and cuddled them tightly, letting them gurgle and attempt to speak to him in their own language. They were his brother and sister in the same way Lottie, Fizzy, Daisy and Phoebe were, but they felt like strangers and it was wrong.

 Louis should have been home instead of fucking things up with Harry Styles.

 “Could Nan and Granddad not come?” Louis asked Jay quietly when Olly stuck his head around the dressing room door and took the attention off Louis. Jay had mentioned on the phone last week that Louis’ grandparents were going to try and come down but they were painfully absent.

 “They wanted to but Nan’s hip has taken a funny turn. They didn’t want to risk doing it any damage but they send their love.”

 “Okay.” Louis accepted.

“Lottie told me that Harry’s not doing great, what happened?”

 Louis forgot sometimes that Lottie was also involved in the crazy showbiz world now and she was a lot better at talking to their mother than Louis was. Her mentor was White Eskimo’s stylist, she posted photos on her Instagram with all four of them and she was very good friends with Harry’s sister Gemma. “Are you going to tell me why you’re not talking?”

 “It’s a long story but.... we wanted different things.” Louis settled. “I wanted him and he wanted headlines.”

 “Never mind baby.” Jay shrugged and kissed Louis’ cheek. “Kerri mentioned that you have a free day before you fly to America. Do you want to come up to Doncaster to see us then, let me feed you some proper food and spend all of the day fussing over you?”

 “I have a free day then?” Louis asked in surprise. “I didn’t know but sure. I’ll definitely come up then and if Jones asks I’ll get Finn to cover my back and claim I’m ill or something if he forbids it.”

 “I’ll cook you a roast dinner.” Jay promised and Louis smiled, that was his favourite.

The Leeds show went better than any of the others had so far.

As a joke, Olly invited Lottie, Fizzy, Daisy and Phoebe up onto the stage to request a song and Louis felt his heart swell with pride as Daisy and Phoebe didn’t shy away from the microphone and instead told Olly confidently which song they wanted (Don’t Forget Where You Belong) while Lottie pulled out her phone to document the fact she was standing on The Rogues’ stage and Fizzy looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her up.

 Louis grabbed his guitar and pulled it over his body. He knew how to play this song and was realising now how disappointed he was that the song wasn’t on this tour’s set-list.

“ _Been a lot of places, I’ve been all around the world, seen a lot of faces, never knowing where I was,_ ”

“ _On the horizon_ ,” Olly took over, “ _Oh, well I know, I know, I know, I know the sun will be rising back home_.” Louis looked to his sisters a smiled at them. Lottie and Fizzy looked more comfortable on the stage now as Will was dancing next to them with his bass and Phoebe and Daisy were pointing out the signs in the crowd and waving to fans.

 “ _Living out of cases, packing up and taking off, made a lot of changes but I’m not forgetting who I was_.”

It felt strange to be playing on stage with his sisters on stage so he looked at them, indicating with his head that he wanted them there next to him. They were singing along and dancing together and reminding Louis of the nights in Doncaster they’d all spent dancing in front of the TV or singing along to The X Factor.

 “ _Don’t forget where you belong_ ,” Louis sang to his sisters, “ _home, don’t forget where you belong, home, if you ever feel alone, don’t, you are never on your own, and the proof is in this song._ ”

 He was playing his guitar so he couldn’t hug or dance with his sisters but he smiled at them and sang to them, making sure they knew he was still their big brother. No matter what happened to Louis, who fucked him over, what crazy stunt he was put through, he loved his little sisters and wanted to be with them always.

 Louis could get away with not playing his guitar for his bridge. He pulled it off his body and stood between his sisters so there were in a line, Fizzy tucked under the arm that wasn’t holding the microphone.

“ _Lights off when they should be on, even stars in the skies look wrong. Short days when the nights are long, when I think of the days I’m gone. It don’t matter how far I’ve gone; I’ll always be around!_ ” And then all of his sisters were hugging him and Louis was hugging them back.

 At the end of the song Louis hugged his older two sisters before they left the stage but Olly was back with the twins interviewing them.

 “So Daisy, tell us something embarrassing about Louis?”

“Umm...” Phoebe whispered something into Daisy’s ear who grinned wickedly and Louis just prayed that they didn’t out him to the world. “Louis wet the bed until he was sixteen.” Daisy laughed and Louis rolled his eyes. They were joking and he was so stupidly proud of his younger siblings and their comedic streaks but Olly was going to tease Louis about this for the rest of his life.

 “And what about you two?” Olly asked, approaching Fizzy and Lottie. “Who’s your favourite member of The Rogues?”

 Fizzy blushed as the microphone was pushed into her face and muttered an embarrassed “Louis,” and then hid behind her hair.

 “And Lottie,” Olly moved on, “you know White Eskimo don’t you?”

“I do.” Lottie nodded. “I helped with their hair and stuff on bits of their last tour.”

 “Who’s your favourite? Us or them?”

“Definitely you.” Lottie nodded.

 “Good answers.” Olly congratulated. “Well if you’d like to return to your seats and we’ll return to the show. Louis, they’re far nicer than you are. What went wrong with you?”

 “I don’t know.” Louis shrugged.

“And wetting the bed, eh? I’m not ever going to let that go.”

 “Shall we play the next song?” Louis asked, aware they’d get a hefty fine if they go over their allocated time on stage.

 “Go on then.” Olly gave in and nodded to Finn who counted them in.

 

Although touring was always hand in hand with confusion and a feeling of homesick, it was better in the UK than anywhere else. The United Kingdom was small and it was the band’s home; any other country seems huge and overwhelming in comparison. There were the same shops in all of the cities, the currency was the same and everyone spoke their language.

 When they toured Europe it was beautiful but there was an underlying feeling of not belonging, when they were in America and Australia it was very easy to feel like you were a small fish in a huge ocean and although Louis loved the food and the people in Asia it was very hard to find any sense of belonging there because the culture was often so different.

 The Rogues had never been to Africa, but they had two shows scheduled in Johannesburg and one in Cape Town on the way to Australia for the leg of the tour there and Louis was excited for that. There would be fans there who’d been fans of the band from the start and would never have had the chance to see The Rogues before – now they would undoubtedly be one of the more excited crowds.

 The European, Australian, Asian and South Africa legs of the tour were a long way off though. At the start of May The Rogues would fly to America and stay there until they flew back to England for a weekend for Will and Heidi’s wedding and then they were off to the other side of the world again.

 Things would be very different then. Everyone would believe that Briana was pregnant with Louis’ baby and Louis would have to pretend that too. The Rogues would be working hard on their fifth album by then and they really needed to get started in America so that it was completely polished in time. As soon as the tour finished with its last handful of shows back in the UK they would be promoting the album, performing songs from it on any show that would have them, then there would be Christmas appearances and then they’d be free to breath for the first time in five years.

 

It was nearing the end of April and they were about to start the trip from Liverpool to Cardiff when Kerri flagged Louis down just outside his bus.

 “Jones just rang me Louis. He wants to see you for a meeting in Cardiff before the show and I have a fuck load of work to do for that so can you please come and watch Amy on my tour-bus on the way there?”

 “Of course. What’s the meeting about?”

“I don’t know if I can say just yet.” Kerri sighed. “Nothing bad though – well – it depends on how you take it I suppose.”

 Louis grabbed his laptop, a phone charger and a hoodie from the band’s tour bus before making his way over to the bus that belonged to Kerri, Amy, Heidi (and so naturally Will on some journeys) and Adam. Adam (who now sported a rather fetching head of orange hair) had settled down in front of Mean Girls with Heidi and Will at one end of the bus and Kerri took a table at the bottom of the bus leaving Louis and Amy to the other TV.

 “What are we going to watch Louis?” Amy asked while Louis hunted through the PG rated DVDs. It had been a while since he’d last seen Mean Girls and would have quite liked to watch that with Will, Heidi and Adam but he wasn’t sure Kerri would approve. Louis pushed the Star Wars box set to one side, not having watched it since Adeline died and not planning on it right now and began sifting through a pile of Pixar films.

 “What do you want to watch Amy? Finding Nemo?”

Amy frowned with the decision she had to make before her eyes fell on a box Louis had cast aside. “Can we watch that one?”

 Louis swallowed but nodded.

 _Up_ was a family friendly Pixar film that Louis had watched with his own sisters when he’d been home a few years ago. It was full of comedy, balloons and talking dogs – what was not to love? There was also a very good reason that Louis had thrown it aside but he didn’t want to deprive Amy. He took the DVD out of its case and pushed it into the machine.

 There was Ellie and Carl setting up their home together, happily married and in love. They were planning out a future of adventures and enjoying life care-free. And then it started to hurt.

 The baby appeared in the clouds and there they were, painting a nursery and preparing for it before it was all over. Amy was too young for the significance of everything to hurt her yet but Louis was aching as Carl and Ellie grew old.

 But it wasn’t the aging that hurt, it was Ellie’s decline in health: the familiarity of her struggling to do things she once loved, the familiarity of her being prescribed to a hospital bed, the familiarity of the way she died in a place so cold and clinical and Carl was left alone in the world to struggle on without his other half.

 And then Louis wasn’t seeing Carl and Ellie on the screen but himself and Adeline.

 “Louis- why are you crying? Are you sad because the Ellie died?” Amy’s innocence hurt even more but Louis powered through and nodded.

 “Yeah, that’s it Amy.”

“Why do people die?”                                                                                                                                             

Maybe if Louis had been better prepared for fatherhood he would tell a long story about how everyone had limited time on this earth and that when their time was over they went to a place much nicer than here but Louis wasn’t so he didn’t. Instead he pulled Amy in for a cuddle and kissed the top of her head.

 “I don’t know why Amy.”

“My Daddy died,” Amy told Louis quietly, “but I don’t remember him.”

 “I do.” Louis told Amy. “Do you want me to tell you about him?” Amy nodded.

“Okay. Well his name Richard and he was very tall, taller even than Finn and that means you’ll probably be very tall one day too. He had curly hair like you but his wasn’t ginger, his was brown.”

 “Like Harry?” Amy asked and Louis frowned before realising that Amy was talking about Harry Styles.

 “I suppose so.” Louis nodded. “Has Kerri ever show you any pictures of you with him?”

Amy nodded but then smiled sort of sadly. “He always looks sick in them though.” Of course Richard did because Richard’s illness had been diagnosed while Kerri had been pregnant.

 “Do you want to see some photos of him before he got sick?” Louis offered. He had a few on his phone because Richard had been working for the band like Kerri at the start of their career, both having applied for jobs so they could work together. Richard had been good fun and Louis hadn’t thought about him for a long time but now he was and it was hurting. Richard had been in charge of the lighting and had been a loud man with a carefree smile.

 It was always the happy ones that went.

 “Yes please.” Amy nodded so Louis pulled out his phone and scrolled back, glad now that he had moved his photos onto his new phone. These photos were around four years old but they were from a party the boys had thrown for a reason that Louis didn’t remember. Kerri must have only just been pregnant with Amy because she wasn’t drinking in the photos but she was right by Richard’s side in all of them. They both looked very happy and carefree and it left Louis with a sad ache in his chest. They had no idea about what was to come.

 “Mummy looks different.” Amy commentated absent minded. “There are less lines on her face.” Louis chuckled through the pain.

 “Don’t ever tell her that.” He warned.

“Can I see photos of Ada?” Amy plucked the question out of thin air and Louis nodded. Amy had known Adeline well and Louis was struck with the tragedy that two people close to Amy had passed away from terminal illnesses. No child should know this much grief so early on in their life. “I miss Adeline.”

 “I miss her too.” Louis replied. He found some photos of Adeline from Jay and Dan’s wedding, mere weeks before everything had gone to shit, and showed them to Amy.

 “You look different in these photos too.” Amy told Louis with the brutal honesty only a three-year-old could. “You look happier than you are now.”

 “I was.” Louis shrugged. “I loved Adeline a lot.”

“She was very pretty.” Amy continued. “And you were very pretty too.”

 “Thank you Amy.” Louis smiled.

“Harry probably thought you were pretty too because he looked at you like Adeline is.”

 Amy was too much for Louis sometimes; how could a three-year-old pick up on that?

“It’s also like the way Jasmine and Aladdin look like each other.” Amy continued, completely unaware of what she was doing to Louis. “I want to look at someone like that one day.”

 “You will.” Amy seemingly accepted this and turned her attention back to the film but five minutes later she was back again with a question.

 “Louis, what happened to Ellie’s baby?”

How did Louis tell a three-year-old that the baby had died before it was born? Once upon a time Louis had believed he’d make a great father but Amy was very good at making Louis doubt this.

 “The baby doesn’t always grow right inside the Mummy’s tummy.” Louis told her gently. “And Ellie’s didn’t so the baby was never born.”

Fear overtook Amy’s face. “Can that happen to anyone?”

“Yes it can but it probably won’t happen to you.” Louis added on quickly, terrified that Amy would run back to Kerri with devastated stories about how Louis told her she might not be able to have a baby. Louis didn’t even know if Amy ever wanted to have a baby. “Do you want children?”

 “I think so.” Amy nodded. “Do you?”

“I do.” Louis told Amy with all sincerity. Louis could share things with Amy the way he never could with one of his band mates because they worried too much. Amy listened and gave a brutally honest three-year old’s opinion on everything where as someone like Olly would be scared of upsetting Louis and stay quiet. “Ada and I were going to have children. A bit like Carl and Ellie in this film we planned it out. We never got as far as painting a nursery because Ada got ill and we couldn’t have children anymore.”

 Amy cuddled in tighter to Louis’ side and Louis was unsure whether he’d scared Amy with talking about death or whether she, a three-year-old, knew exactly what Louis needed to feel better: a reminder that he was human, he was still here and he was arguably doing good.

 “I’m sad my Daddy and Ada died.” Amy told Louis quietly. “You and Mummy looked happier before they died.”

 “Your Mummy is happy now too.” Louis told Amy. “And I will be one day but I’m still trying to get used to Adeline not being here anymore.”

 “Can I help you be happy again?” Amy asked, looking Louis right in the eye.

“You are.” Louis nodded with a soft smile. “You make me really happy Amy so just keep doing what you’re doing.”

 

 “How was Amy on the bus?” Kerri asked as they made their way to the offices where Jones was.

“Perfect as always.” Louis replied honestly. “You’re lucky you have her Kez.”

 “Are you getting broody on me Lou?”

Louis laughed nervously. “I guess. I’ve always really wanted kids and- well Jones is making me fake this baby and- it’s all just a bit fucked up.”

 “It’s going to get better Louis.” Kerri promised. “At the end of this year this will all be over.”

“There’s two hundred and fifty-four days.” Louis muttered and sighed at how large the number seemed.

 “I just want to meet someone, not have any complications, and have a family with them. I can’t believe once upon a time I thought having a happy family was easy. Look at us.”

 “It’s normal to not get it right straight away. Heidi and Will-.”

Louis cut Kerri off. “-But I’m not Heidi or Will am I? I’m Louis with my string of failed relationships; I’m basically a widow and I fell for a guy who had no intention of ever having anything serious from me.”

 “I was going to say Heidi and Will were the anomaly. No one has it that easy ever. Finn has had his fair share of bad boyfriends, your Mum is finally there after years and years of trying, I was a product of my Mum’s second marriage and my Dad’s third. How many people do you actually know with a happy ever after story from their first try of a relationship?”

 Louis was stumped and walked beside Kerri in silence.

When they arrived Louis sat down with Kerri, both of them across from Jones and Kerri with an important looking stack of papers. A random thought crossed Louis’ brain that this could be the moment he was fired – it would make sense as to why Kerri had been reluctant to say what it was about – but Louis quickly dismissed that, The Rogues were in the middle of a tour.

 “Louis,” Jones began, “the baby story will drop in a fortnight and we need you to be out there and well known.”

 Louis wasn’t being fired – good to know.

“An opportunity has arisen for you to appear on a brand new panel show hosted by Nick Grimshaw. The episode will be filmed tomorrow before we fly to America in the evening and it will air next week in perfect time to get your name out there and talked about.”

“Um,” Kerri spoke up now, a pink flush in her cheeks. “There’s one problem Mr. Jones.”

Jones’ expression changed from neutral to furious in the blink of an eye. “Problem? What is it?” He asked, “Is there a clash?”

 “Um, not quite.” Kerri shook her head slowly, glancing down at her paper. “I had an email an hour ago from the producers of the show just letting me know that one of the other contestants on the show dropped out and has been replaced.” Kerri hesitated, glancing across at Louis with an apologetic look. “The replacement is Harry Styles.”

Fuck.

As Louis’ heart plummeted to his feet Jones’ face cracked, bizarrely, into a wide smile. “Brilliant. That’s perfect.” Was he being sarcastic? Louis prayed that he was. “It is the perfect stage for bitchy rivalry so that you can convince the world you’re not madly in love with him. The appearance will go ahead but thank you for telling me Kerri, I appreciate it. Louis, I honestly don’t know what instruction to give you because you ignore all of it anyway. Try and hint at baby news, don’t sound gay and you’re dating Cara Delevingne. Do you think you can do that?” Jones’ tone was so condescending and it made Louis just want to reach out and slap him in the face but he wouldn’t because it wouldn’t help anything.

 “I can.” Louis nodded and left the room.

And all over again Louis was down. He told his bandmates why but none of them had any advice for Louis and instead just left Louis alone to mentally prepare himself for seeing that face again.

 Harry had hurt him and Louis wanted to just push him out of his mind. Unfortunately, Louis lived in a world where he continues to bump into Harry and hear his name because many years ago Jones and McGee decided to pitch the groups as rivals and a few months ago Louis and Harry decided to interlink their names with a few kisses.

 The two shows in Cardiff didn’t go very well. The following two shows in Birmingham also didn’t go very well.

 Olly asked their driver to stop not even halfway back to London to get some food and when the driver pulled into Warwick Services Olly made Louis come with him off the bus.

 “Why?” Louis asked as he glumly followed Olly into the Starbucks. It was late at night after a show and Louis just wanted to get home and curl up in his bed until he had to go on that TV show.

 “Because I hate seeing you act like you have no purpose in life.” Olly shrugged. “And you haven’t eaten today, or really much anyway.”

 “I don’t feel like it.”

“That’s not a good reason.” Olly shook his head. “You’re forgetting that I lived with you through your break up with Alex and Aiden. You’re going to keep eating and you’re going to keep drinking whether you like it or not. Grab a sandwich and chose a drink.”

“We have food on the bus.”

“We have shitty food on the bus.”

“Why can’t we just go to Burger King?” Louis pointed to the other side of the carpark where the Burger King sign shone brightly.”

 “Because that is shitty food. At least this isn’t fried.”

“I don’t understand you Olly Smith.” Olly was Louis’ best friend and had been for five years but they disagreed on a lot of things.

 “You don’t need to. You just need to understand that I’m not going to let you waste away just because some shitty pop star broke your heart at a time when you really needed some love.”

 “You sound like Finn.” Louis murmured.

“Well guess what Lou: both Finn and I care about you and your health and well-being. Will does too and when you’re curled up in that bunk on that bus just staring at the ceiling, we worry about you and try and work out how to make you feel better. We have approached Jones multiple times voicing our worry for you and asking him to call off this fake baby bullshit and to just give us some time off so you can go to Doncaster and have a break. Your Mum has rung us at least twice a week for updates on how you are and we can’t lie to her. She is fighting with Jones for him to let you go home and instead he arranged for you to go on a TV show the one day you could have actually done that.” Olly sighed and picked up a bacon sandwich from the shelf. “Louis, we’re trying to help but Jones isn’t making it easy.”

 “You’ve done that?” Louis asked dumbly and Olly nodded.

Humbled, Louis bought a sandwich and drink and retreated to the bus and shot a weak smile at Finn and Will before sitting in the corner, not isolating himself completely from the people who were trying to help.

He opened his tumblr account and scrolled through, sickened of how many Larry blogs he followed and he went through and unfollowed every single one. It angered him so much about what they assumed: Louis and Harry cuddled after sex, Louis and Harry drank tea together, Louis and Harry were perfectly happy in their little bubble.

 And then a swell of pride emerged in Louis’ chest. An ‘anti’ (someone against the belief of Louis and Harry’s relationship) had made its way onto Louis’ dashboard:

_Okay but if Larry is so fucking real then why did Louis kiss Jack because it certainly wasn’t for his straight image was it?_

How was Jack? It had been over two months since the Brit Awards and Jack’s career had taken a step up. He’d been in a few television articles and Louis had even bought a magazine where he was on the front cover, threatening to ‘Tell All About Tommo Kiss!” Jack had warned Louis before the article had been published and in the whole article only one sentence had been given to the kiss:

_“Louis and I were drinking and dancing and the kiss was just a spur of the moment bit of excitement that neither of us has given much thought to; girls kiss each other all the time and nobody thinks anything of it, why should what happened with Louis and I be any different?”_

The journey home was very quiet but Louis’ mind was racing. The mischievous side of his mind was making plans and the sensible side couldn’t be bothered to reason with why it was a bad idea. Everything was falling into place as Louis and Finn headed up to their flat in the lift and when Louis pushed his suitcase into his room and got himself a drink he was ready to do it.

“Are you not going to bed?” Finn asked as Louis scrolled through his contacts, still in his shoes and coat. It was late now and the likelihood was that who he was searching for either wouldn’t pick up or wouldn’t want to see him but it was worth a try.

 “It depends.” Louis shrugged and found who he was looking for. He tried to ignore Finn’s confused frown as he raised his phone to his ear and he anxiously waited for the person on the other end to pick up.

 “Louis?”

“Hi Jack.” Louis smiled. “Remember me from the Brits?”

“Of course.” Jack sounded happy at the other end of the line, also slightly flirtatious which was always fun. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

 “I need a good fuck.” Louis told Jack outright, not even caring that Finn was stood just a few metres away. “I need some good, no strings attached sex tonight.”

 “I can give you that.” Jack replied easily. “Am I allowed to ask questions?”

“I’d like it if you didn’t.” Louis told Jack. “Can I come round?”

 “I’ll be waiting for you.” Jack shot right back and then reeled off his address and a smile grew on Louis’ face as he put the phone down.

“Don’t wait up for me.” Louis told Finn who rolled his eyes like an annoyed father.

 “ _You_ have work tomorrow.”

“Yes while you get to do fuck all. I’ll need to see that bastard there instead of going home for the day like you all are, am I not allowed to have any fun?” Louis was sick of being the frontman and he wanted to fuck things up. He wanted to show Jones that he couldn’t just make Louis do things against his will without repercussions.

 “Okay.” Finn sighed, defeated. “Don’t get yourself into trouble.” It was a tired warning that Louis had no plan on paying attention to.

“Good night Finn, I’ll see you in the morning.”

Louis considered driving to Jack’s but eventually decided against it – it had been a long time since he’d driven and it was late at night. He pulled his Oyster card out of his wallet and headed down the steps of the tube station, working out how he was going to get to Jack’s.

 The journey wasn’t too long but it was late at night so they were full of drunk people on the way home. Louis shoved his earphones in and played some music loud, watching the stops carefully so he didn’t miss it. He was excited now – he was going to have sex with Jack, find a way to put it online and it’d be a beautiful explosion of chaos over all social media.

 Louis was making his way up Jack’s road when he saw a corner shop still open and ducked in. He found the alcohol and bought a nice looking bottle of wine to give to Jack as a gift.

 Jack’s block of flats was nice but Louis didn’t really care for décor right now, he was determined on finding flat number fifteen, meeting Jack and working out everything that had worked up inside of him on this leg of the tour. Hopefully Jack would top but Louis wouldn’t be fussed in either role, it would be sex and it would be good.

 Jack’s front door was a dark blue and Louis knocked on it impatiently, the bottle of wine in his other hand.

 “I have a bed.” Was what Jack opened with when he opened the door.

“I have alcohol.” Louis returned with a smile; Jack looked good as always and the lights in his bedroom were on, he wasn’t fucking around. “I can also get you some more publicity, you could do another tell-all article again.” Jack nodded like it was a good idea as Louis took off his shoes.

“Am I going to be branded as a rapist again?”

 “Not if I can help it.” Louis assured him. “When you’ve properly fucked my brains out just post a tell-tale photo of me with an ambiguous caption. I’m going to assume that your follower count went up quite a bit when you kissed me at that party.”

 “It did.” Jack nodded. “You seriously want to fuck up your image don’t you?”

“I want to fuck over my manager and one of the best ways is to destroy my image that he has spent many years carefully constructing. That’s not the only reason that I’m here, I also liked your company and decided that you looked good in bed last time we saw each other.”

 This seemed to do the trick because Jack pulled Louis into the bedroom and pulled him in for a heated kiss which reminded Louis that not everyone was as gentle as Harry.

 Fuck. He needed to stop thinking about Harry?

 “What do you want me to do to you?” Jack asked, pushing Louis up against the wall and whispering hungrily into his ear. His voice was husky and dominating so Louis let himself melt into it.

 “Anything. Everything.” He murmured as Jack worked on his trousers.

It was going to be a good night.

 

 “Take a photo.” Louis mumbled into the pillow, every muscle in him aching. “Get my arm of tattoos in it or something.”

“Are you sure?” Jack doubled checked, now all gentle as Louis nodded weakly. “What should I caption it with?”

 “I don’t think you’ll need to give it a caption.” Louis decided. If Jack was going to post a photo of Louis at three in the morning, obviously topless with sex hair in Jack’s bed with the history that Jack and Louis had, most fans would be able to make their own connections.

“You look good when you’ve been thoroughly fucked.” Jack smirked when the photo was uploaded. “Do you want to stay the night because I don’t think you’re going to be able to make it home?”

 “I don’t think I will either.” Louis told the pillow under his face. “Thanks for the fucking.”

“You’re welcome.” Jack smiled. “I’m always ready to help out a friend in need.” Louis heard Jack gathering some things up, probably the discarded clothes, and remembered that this was Jack’s bed, not Louis’,

 “Do you want me to sleep in a spare bed?” Louis offered, trying to sit up.

“No, I can do that.” Jack shook his head. “This was good and I might have gone a bit harder than I intended but- well you’re gorgeous.”

 Louis blushed at the compliment and watched as Jack left the room for the spare one to sleep in himself. Louis slept very well that night.

 The fucked again in the shower the next morning.

“Hey, what happened to Harry?” Jack asked as an afterthought while he was bidding Louis goodbye.

 “A long story but we’re not talking. I have to go and appear on a game show with him now though so hopefully it’ll piss him off that I look like this.”

 “I doubt you’ll be allowed on television looking like that.” Jack smirked and Louis knew it was true. “He follows me on Instagram though so he’s probably seen the photo.”

 “Today will be fun then.” Louis grinned. “Thanks for this again, I like spending time with you – you just sort of make me forget all of the other shit.”

 “Just keep it casual, yeah?” Jack checked. “My manager might have a fit if I told her I was dating a pop-star, it would be her dream publicity stunt.”

 “And my own manager’s nightmare.” Louis laughed. “I’ll see you around some time.”

  “I’ll be waiting.” Jack teased and Louis made his way downstairs to where the taxi was waiting; he didn’t want to grace the people of London with how he looked right now.

 

 Louis unlocked the front door nervously. He was expecting Will, Finn and Olly to all be sat there with a disapproving look but instead it was Adam and Kerri sat with Finn around the dining room table while Amy coloured something in while lying on the floor. Louis knew what he looked like. He was waddling slightly, there was a handful of bruises on his neck and his hair was stuck up in all directions.

 On the plus side he wasn’t late for the car to the television studios so Kerri and Adam shouldn’t have looked as annoyed as they did. Finn just shook his head sadly before moving to distract Amy while Kerri and Adam got up and ushered Louis back out of the door.

 “What the fuck did you do last night?” Adam asked in a semi-hushed whisper. “I’m going to have to try and cover those love bites all over your neck and there’s only so much concealer in my make-up bag!”

“He had sex with that model from the Brit after-party and let him put it on his Instagram. He might as well have filmed and published a sex tape with how public it was.” Kerri told Adam with a scolding tone that was directed as Louis. “The car will only be a few minutes Louis; you’re cutting it too fine.”

 “I’m here aren’t I?” Louis shrugged. “Am I not allowed to have some casual sex on a night off?”

“Not when you have to film a TV show the next morning and are obviously fucked senseless.” Kerri shot straight back as they headed downstairs in the lift. Kerri was usually on Louis’ side and Louis had always had the best relationship with her out of any of the band. It was disconcerting how angry she was. “Jones is already trying to pull all sorts of strings with your Instagram stunt last night and you’re lucky he hasn’t decided that you marry Cara. We have bent over backwards trying to help you out with all of this bullshit Louis, and this is how you repay us? Heidi and I have risked losing our jobs with the countless times we have refused to put something on your Twitter page or arrange a pap-walk but if you’re going to pay us back with more work and dealing with your angry manager then maybe next time we won’t try.”

 An icy shiver ran down Louis’ spine as he remembered what Olly had told him last night. Olly had told him last night in Starbucks how much work everyone had done to try and help Louis and Louis had fucked them all over to piss off Jones. The high he had been on from Jack was sucked right out of him with the guilt he felt for creating work and stress for the team around him but a tiny voice at the back of his head reminded him that they don’t have it anywhere near as hard as he does. They get to love who they love and be who they are while Louis is a puppet for a rich man who hates everything but more money.

 

 The studios where the show was being filmed were all bright and colourful – it was no reflection of Louis’ feelings.

 “Your dressing room is down here.” Kerri muttered, still seething. She and Adam led the way and Louis followed quietly, not daring to put another toe out of line. There were members of the production team everywhere, Nick Grimshaw’s voice could be heard as they passed one door and then Louis heard two eerily familiar voices as they rounded a corner.

 “Lottie?” He asked, placing one of the voices. A blonde head whipped around and his sister’s homely eyes widened in surprise at Louis’ appearance. He was suddenly very conscious of what a mess he looked like in front of his little sister.

 “What happened Louis?”

“He let someone fuck him.” The other familiar voice told Lottie matter-of-factly and Louis’ tired, blue eyes fell on Harry’s annoyed, green ones. “Then he let that person post a photo of him on their Instagram and he’s going to let all of the papers speculate about what happened and then a ‘source close to the band’ will report that it’s just some look alike in the Instagram photo and Louis is definitely straight and in the meantime Louis will probably continue to fuck around with this person for a few more months before completely cutting off all contact with them with absolutely no explanation.”

 An awkward silence fell between the two men and Lottie eventually broke it.

 “I don’t know what sort of fucked up mess you two have gotten yourselves into but Harry, he’s my brother, don’t talk about him like that!”

Harry just shrugged, his eyes lingering on the bruises on Louis’ neck for maybe a moment too long. “He’s a dick.”

 Hypocrite.

 

Lottie followed Adam, Kerri and Louis to his own dressing room claiming she didn’t have any more work to do.

 “What happened?”

“Mum told you about me having to a fake a baby didn’t she?” Louis asked quietly while the kettle boiled but Lottie shook her head with furrowed brows. Oops. “Oh. Well in a few weeks a story is going to run that I knocked up some girl from America back when I was there last and it’s going to be great for my ultra-straight, bad boy image. Anyway that’s why I’m on this show, I was actually going to go to Doncaster today because we were supposed to have a day off today and I miss everyone, seeing you all Leeds showed me that.”

 “So why sleep with that model and make it really public?” Lottie asked in a voice very similar to their mother’s when she was confused.

“A way of getting back at Jones.” Louis told Lottie. “See- Harry and I were sleeping together for a while as well as all of the publicity stuff we did, and I fell for him. He was sort of leading me on but then he made it very clear that we were just meant to be friends and- well that fucked me up badly and I broke my phone and if tour hadn’t happened I’d probably still be lying in bed. Seeing Harry here along with knowing that I’m only here to big up my name before the baby story stops is bad enough. I could have been home if this show hadn’t been happening and it’s because Harry and I kissed in the first place that I have to fake a fucking baby. It all got too much and I needed to get out my frustration somehow.”

 “What’s the model called?”

“He’s called Jack and he’s a nice guy. I’m never going to date him but he’s a booty call. I kissed him after the Brits when Harry and I argued and I’d just found out about the baby bullshit. He knew back then I was just doing it to fuck everything up so he was happy to help out again: I get my release, he gets promo and we both get sex.”

“Louis, I am still your little sister.” Lottie reminded him. “You don’t have to keep mentioning the sex.”

“Sorry.” Louis blushed. “Anyway, how’s your boyfriend, you’d only just started seeing him at Leeds hadn’t you?”

 “He’s good.” Lottie nodded. “He’s really good at football so maybe you two should play together when you’ve got time off. When will that be?”

“I don’t have any idea.” Louis admitted sadly. “Jones likes to cancel it last minute anyway.”

They were at the dressing room now and Adam immediately pushed Louis into a chair and pulled out his make-up kits.

 

“I’m sorry for being so snappy earlier.” Kerri said quietly while Louis sipped at his tea, hair and make-up finished. “Finn told me you’d gone to Jack’s but I was scared you’d done a runner and- well then I thought you’d gotten yourself blackout drunk and I was scared you’d hurt yourself and- well all sorts of things were going through my head when Finn told me you’d been out all night with no contact.”

 “I get it.” Louis nodded. “It’s like when Lottie was staying with me last year but she snuck out to meet this guy and I was worried sick and when she came back I just yelled at her. I wasn’t angry, I was just relieved she was safe really.” Kerri nodded. “But I get why you were mad as well. You’ve all worked hard and tried to help me and I fuck things up.”

 “Well- yeah.” Kerri nodded. “It does sometimes feels like you’re not helping yourself.”

Kerri was right, but often fucking things up felt like the only option. “What am I supposed to do to help myself? Bow down and let Jones fuck up my life for me. This baby shit is going to follow me for the rest of my life because if I ever have a kid the media is going to joke ‘Are you sure it’s his?’ and I’m always going to be that guy that knocked up that girl at a one night stand and then it turned out the baby wasn’t his. Why can’t I be the guy that does loads for charity or would fund all of the research to cure cancer if I was allowed? I was asked to host a ball for Believe In Magic and I checked the dates and there’s a fucking pap-walk scheduled in LA outside a baby clinic.”

 “I don’t know.” Kerri shrugged sadly. “I- I honestly don’t know Louis.”

 

Louis was showed to his seat by a friendly supervisor, he was given a glass of water to get through the show and told the most this would take was two hours. Great. He didn’t look across to Harry, he didn’t dare. Louis wasn’t sure how he would react to seeing Harry’s face after ignoring his calls and texts for all of this time and not letting himself see anything about Harry on social media at all.

 There was the count down until the show started, the studio audience was buzzing with chatter and Louis made small talk with his team captain, Greg James, as long as it meant he didn’t have to think about Harry.

 The show began and Nick introduced himself and explained the basics of the show in his professional radio voice. He made a friendly dig at both of the team captains in true game show style and then turned to each team individually.

 “Now on Rochelle’s team we have the White Eskimo who’s been stealing all of the girls, and a couple of The Rogues’ hearts, it’s Harry Styles!”

 Louis hated Nick Grimshaw and rolled his eyes, hoping one of the cameras would pick up on it and know that Louis didn’t want to be here with Harry.

 “Also on Rochelle’s team we have the comedian who looks like an Eskimo, it’s Josh Widdicombe!”

The audience applauded again and Josh gave a witty remark about appearing on the show with two very good looking band members. Josh was a comedian with a mop of curly blonde hair and a strangely young looking face. Louis had seen him on panel shows and doing stand-up before and had known that he and Adeline had been vaguely friendly. Louis wasn’t really concentrating as Nick had a chat with Harry about White Eskimo’s album out in a week. Louis was back to thinking about Adeline because that was the default setting of his brain: miss Adeline.

 “And now we head over to Greg’s team. On Greg’s right we have an actress from the TV show we’re all obsessed with, Game of Thrones, it’s Maisie Williams!” Maisie got the same excited welcoming Harry had had but then it was Louis’ turn. “And finally on Greg’s left we have the Rogue who everyone is jealous of because he’s kissed Harry Styles _and_ Cara Delevingne in the past two months!” And there it was. A reminder that Louis had fallen for a fuck boy _and_ his stupid ultra-straight false image all in the introduction.

 The game show bored Louis. There were rounds that were ‘finish the lyric’ and ‘who said this?’ that everyone took part in; Greg and Rochelle had had to go to a tourist place in London dressed in disguise and persuade people to sing with them (Greg had done that the quickest) and then:

 “Now this round is called Battle of the Bands and it’s only going to involve one person from each team. It’s going to be Harry vs Louis!” Someone in the audience wolf-whistled and Louis pressed his lips together, forcing a smile. “This game is a rip off of a popular party game with coloured dots on the floor however instead of coloured dots we have lots of bands. We’re going to play a song in the studio and both of you have to put either a hand or a foot on that band, there are two of each so if you get it first you have it more easily.”

 “So this is essentially Twister?” Louis asked and Nick nodded before flashing an ever-charming smile to the audience.

“Yes except this is the BBC and we’re not allowed to call it Twister. Other party games are available.” Laughter echoed through the studio but Louis was terrified. It was a joke and such a setup. Someone in the BBC would know about the huge following Louis and Harry had and everything surrounding them and they were going to get Louis and Harry to writhe around on an adapted Twister mat together because it would spread like the plague.

Nick gave the cue and Louis and Harry stood up, making their way to the part of the set where the twister mat was set up.

  _“Back in black, I hit the sack-,”_ Louis found a spot with AC/DC on it and put his left foot on it immediately, Harry following on the other AC/DC spot behind Louis. Louis was already uncomfortable with being this close to Harry and not being able to see him.

 “Okay, now right foot.” Nick told Louis and Harry before a song played through the studio.

“ _Everybody wants to know her name-,”_ It was McFly but Louis couldn’t see the spot. He spun on the one foot and saw that Harry already had a foot down, legs spread wide and the other McFly one was between those legs. Louis but his foot on it regrettably, catching Harry’s eye and looking away immediately. This was so awkward and Harry looked like he desperately wanted answers from Louis; he didn’t deserve them.

 “This is where it’s going to get interesting,” Nick grinned wickedly, “It’s your left hand down next, this could get cosy.”

 Louis did everything he could to ignore Nick’s comment and focussed on the music that was playing out.

  _“What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?”_

It was The Script; Louis spotted one right in front of him and shot his hand to it at the exact same time Louis did. Harry was suddenly crowding Louis and thankfully he noticed and retracted his hand, placing it on a spot further from Louis and Louis’ arse in the air. Why was he in this position do close to Harry?

 The game continued like that with a quick succession of Iron Maiden, Queen and then Busted and their two bodies had been dancing around each other, both leaning away and not even wanting to get close – except they were. Both of their faces were flushed and they were both out of breath with all of the strange shapes they’d contorted their bodies into every time they accidentally bumped bodies the pair of them had jumped as if stung with electricity.

 “Wow, you two are both very flexible, do you do this together often?” Nick asked with a jokey smile but Louis just grunted at him to play the next song because he just needed this to be over.

  _“She looked so perfect standing there-,”_ It was mother fucking 5 Seconds of Summer. Louis should have known it was coming because the dot with 5SOS on it was right in front of his face but he couldn’t help but make eye contact with Harry because it was something they shared. They shared the memory of that concert but Louis suspected they remembered very different things.

 Louis remembered the heartbreak and the willing for Harry to kiss him and it to mean something and the realisation that Louis couldn’t live like that, that Louis needed to get away before it tore him into pieces.

 Harry probably remembered a fun concert with a friend who was helping him fuck up the media and for some reason never text him back after that.

 Harry misplaced his hand and fell into Louis, knocking them both over onto the floor and Louis found himself crushed underneath Harry’s chest and was reminded of the many times he’d found himself underneath Harry and the one time it had been the other way around.

“Sorry for knocking you over,” Harry muttered as Nick awarded Louis’ team the points he’d promised but Louis ignored it, refusing to make eye contact. He didn’t want an apology now because it was for the wrong thing. If Harry was going to apologise he could apologise for fucking Louis around and breaking his heart, not knocking him over.

 Nick gave Louis and Harry a moment so Adam and Lou could fix their hair and powder their noses and while they did Harry tried to speak to Louis, not understanding that the reason he’d not heard from Louis was because Louis didn’t want to speak to Harry.

 “Lou, you haven’t text me in a while and I was worried. I really enjoyed 5 Seconds of Summer and-”

“My phone broke and I’ve still not gotten around to getting a new one because tour has been busy.” Louis lied and he saw Adam’s brows quiver; luckily Adam said nothing.

 “Oh-,” Harry frowned, “Well when it’s fixed could you ring me. Also, could we talk after the show, maybe go and get dinner? I’m sorry for snapping earlier and being like that, especially in front of Lottie.”

 “I’m flying to America tonight.” Louis shook his head; glad he didn’t have to lie again – he wasn’t sure for how much longer Adam could keep his mouth shut.

 “Just five minutes after filming has finished then? We haven’t spoken in a while and it’d be nice to catch up. I need to tell you and ask you about some things.”

 Louis didn’t reply and instead just went back to his seat on Greg’s side of the set. Louis didn’t take any notice of the rest of the show but his team won.

The cameras went off and the producer told everyone they were allowed to leave. Louis saw Harry looking over at him and legged it, grabbing Adam’s arm as they went and demanding that they found Kerri and left as soon as possible.

 “Are you not going to speak to Harry?” Adam asked but Louis shook his head.

“No, I don’t feel well, let’s just find Kerri and leave please?” Louis asked and Adam gave in, following Louis to his dressing room and then they both followed Louis to the car.

Louis didn’t want to know what Harry had to ask him about. He didn’t want to tell Harry about Jack or the fact Louis had spent the last month hurting. Harry didn’t deserve his time.

And yet somewhere inside of Louis was begging to turn around and speak to Harry. Somewhere inside of Louis didn’t understand that he wasn’t supposed to want Harry anymore.

 Louis was fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the love to my two beats for this chapter: @pretzel-niam and @livelove-sjones, you're both life savers and I love you X  
> SUBSCRIBE SUBSCRIBE SUBSCRIBE!!! Facade won't pop up in Larry feeds because updates don't, only the originally publication. The best chance you have for getting updates on this fic is by subscribing to it and having an update pop up in your emails. I will also always post the updates on my tumblr (@written-with-no-end) so head over there and give me a follow.  
> I always want feedback so don't be afraid to leave a comment or drop me a message on tumblr, I'll respond to them all :)  
> If you liked this then please leave kudos so I know and remember that I love every single one of you xxxx


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news, two updates in one week!  
> If you are not familiar with the song Hourglass by Catfish and the Bottlemen then go and give it a listen now OR when the song comes up in the fic (I've written it as if it were Harry's song but really all credit should go to CATB)  
> Now enjoy :)

There was one day.

One fucking day and then everyone would think Louis had gotten Briana pregnant and his name would be dragged through the dirt because he was here in a club, somewhere in America with Stan, drowning his sorrows instead of spending time with the ‘mother to be’.

 It was Olly who’d contacted Stan and told him to come to America. Olly had paid for his ticket and accommodation for the week and Louis was very grateful. Stan was his oldest friend and although he knew very little about the media or what was really happening, he knew how to distract Louis and make him feel better.

 Not tonight though. Jones had rung and had told Louis that he was having all of his access to his social media stripped for the next week and that he wasn’t to fuck any of this up and- well Louis had been reminded how close it was and had needed to distract himself.

 Stan hadn’t been keen on coming out to a club and it was probably for a good reason. Louis wasn’t in a good state of mind and alcohol would do nothing but worsen that. But alcohol also made everything fuzzy and matter slightly less, so it was better than sitting in his room alone, waiting for the inevitable to happen.

Louis was prepared to find anything to numb the pain and he had considered finding some drugs and just abusing his body with them until he felt like someone else. Stan had been on board with the idea until he’d realised Louis wasn’t just talking about weed, he was talking about something much harder and had then snatched Louis’ phone out of his hand and pushed him into a dark corner of the club.

 “Louis you might hate the situation but you’ll hate yourself even more when you wake up and realise what you did to yourself – you’re not going and finding some hard stuff.”

 “Why not?” Louis had argued back and Stan had stood his ground.

“Because you won’t be you and you’re going to do something you’ll regret. Then you’re going to wake up tomorrow and realise what you did and hate yourself. If you want to smoke weed to take the edge off everything a little, then fine but I’m not letting you stick crack up your nose or shoot up with heroin! I’m not letting you risk your life just because some people might think you’ve knocked up some girl. If you mention drugs again I’m dragging you straight home because it’s not safe for you to be out like this.”

Louis stared at Stan for a few seconds, angry and trying to think of an argument in response, trying to remember any argument he’d ever used to justify the reckless things he’d done but eventually Louis had to give in.

 When had Louis gotten to this point? When had Louis gotten to the point where he turned to drugs to get through a news story? When had Louis gotten to the point that his oldest friend feared for his life and threatened to take him home? This wasn’t Louis.

 “Fine.” He gave in and headed to the bar to get another drink.

 

Louis danced with everyone that night. Any guy, girl or in-between who came up and gave him the eyes he danced with, flirted with, maybe even gave a sneaky kiss and he didn’t care who saw. He danced with people, pressed his body up against them and then when he decided he’d been with them long enough he excused himself to ‘the bathroom’ and went to find someone else.

  _Let them try and claim Briana and I are in a proper relationship when I’m out doing this._ Louis smirked as a particularly eager woman came up and pressed her boobs against him. _Let them try and say I’m really happy to have a kid and settle down._ Louis bit his lip flirtatiously as a muscular man pinched his bum. _Let them try and say I’m straight and happily dating Cara._ Louis pressed his bum back into another tall man’s groin who was kissing his neck.

 They were partying away into the morning and Louis could have sworn he could still feel the alcohol swilling around his veins as he and Stan made their way out of the club. Stan clung onto him tightly to make sure he was walking in a straight line when a series of flashes suddenly blinded Louis and he felt the anger boil in his veins that he couldn’t even have one night to himself.

 “Dicks!” Louis shouted at them as Stan led him past the paps towards the car that was waiting for them. One of Louis’ security climbing out to help Stan but he was too far away still - the paps were shouting as always, asking Louis invasive questions and poking everything from homophobic slurs to telling Louis he was a cheating slut.

 Louis turned to them, stopping in his tracks.

 “Louis, don’t.” Stan warned but why shouldn’t Louis? These men followed him wherever he went and got money for pictures they took without permission. Thanks to them he couldn’t enjoy a night out with his best mate because they had been called or they’d tracked him down and they were here to ruin his night.

“Louis, is it true you and Cara Delevingne are getting a house together?”

 “Are you leaving The Rogues?”

“How many girls are you going home with tonight?”

 “Is it true you like it up the arse?”

Stan pulled on Louis’ arm, pulling him towards the car but Louis wasn’t having any of this. He stuck his middle fingers up at the cameras, knowing it would be harder to sell the photos and he shouted back at them.

 “YEAH YOU STAND THERE AND TAKE THOSE PICTURES!” He yelled. “YOU STAND THERE BECAUSE THAT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB ISN’T IT? THAT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB!”

 “Louis,” Stan warned and Louis’ security was helping Stan pull him into the car but Louis didn’t want to go home, Louis wanted to stand here and fight with the paps because then they could get some decent photos.

One of the paps was filming the whole ordeal, coming closer with his camera and pointing it right into the car.

 “Is it true-?”

“NONE OF IT IS FUCKING TRUE!” Louis shouted back. “IT’S ALL A FUCKING FAÇADE BUT YOU TAKE THESE PHOTOS AND SELL THEM BECAUSE THAT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB!”

With one final tug, Louis was pulled into the back of a car and forced down into his seat. When they reached The Rogues’ hotel Louis was manhandled out of the car and forced past even more paps who he shouted abuse at and stuck his fingers up at and when they were finally in the safety of the lift Louis was let go of.

 “Olly and Will waited up for us.” Stan told Louis quietly. “They thought this might happen.”

Louis didn’t reply, instead he imagined what people would say about him now. “He doesn’t deserve to have a kid” “He’s going to be a shit Dad if he runs from the news like that” “All he wants to do is party, he won’t want a family life at all.”

 “I’ve fucked it all up.” Louis told Stan hollowly and Stan didn’t reply, probably because Louis was right. Will and Olly were waiting by the lift and took an arm of Louis’ each to get him to room. He vomited in the corridor just outside of his room and then crashed around his hotel room trying to find a drink of water, while Olly and Will attempted to pull his shirt off his back because that too was covered in sick.

 Louis ended up as a crying mess on the floor, stinking of vomit and regretting every single life choice he’d made this year. And last year. And ever. Louis was a shit human being who just dug hole after hole to get stuck in. Why did anyone give him any time?

Olly, Will and Stan wrestled him into his bed and eventually Olly lay down next to Louis while Louis cried helplessly, not being able to control anything – there was nothing he could do.

“Olly, I don’t want to wake up tomorrow.” Louis sobbed into his arms. “My name is going to be dragged through the fucking dirt and no one is going to like me anymore.”

 “Lou, calm down.” Olly told him, looking worriedly back at Will and Stan. “You do want to wake up, we’ve got shows to play and music to write, you were so excited to work on a new album.”

 “I don’t. I want all of this to stop. I want to kill Jones, he’s a fucking bastard, I want to-,”

“Louis stop!” Will commanded, “You keep track of the days right? How many more days of this left? There’s less than three hundred now right?”

“Two hundred and forty.” Louis muttered, surprised he could conjure the number in the state he was in.

 “See, not long left now at all.” Will smiled. “Then we’re free and we can sue Jones for every penny we’ve ever earnt for him and more. This isn’t going to last forever Louis.”

 Louis shook his head. He didn’t care.

“Louis,” Olly said more gently this time. “I’m going to stay with you tonight, is that alright?”

Louis nodded. He needed someone with him to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid. He needed someone to remind him he wasn’t alone. He needed someone.

 “Yes.” He nodded. “Stay.”

“Okay,” Olly looked at Will and Stan again, “it’s going to be okay Louis.”

“Why does everyone always tell me that?” Louis asked, frowning up at them. “If everything was okay no one would have to tell me it was going to be okay eventually. Everyone said it was going to be okay when Adeline was diagnosed with cancer but it wasn’t, was it? Now I’m alone and I’m a fucking mess but no, everything will be okay one day – well when?”

Olly and Will fell silent but Stan had an answer.

“This is different Louis. No one has cancer, there’s a non-existent baby that won’t be yours in a couple of months’ time and people will know, the people that really matter know this isn’t real. They saw past Eleanor, they don’t believe anything is going on between you and Cara and this is just going to make it look like more of a joke.”

 But some people wouldn’t. There were people out there who believed he’d loved Eleanor, who believed that he left Eleanor for Cara and somewhere in all of that hooked up with this girl and gotten her pregnant.

 “I’m not who they think I am. I’d never randomly hook up with someone and get her pregnant and then just let it drop like this, I’d fight through fucking everything to make sure it went public when we wanted and that it was shown in nothing but a positive way.”

 “I think we should leave.” Will muttered to Stan and Louis just let them go.

 “People will know Louis; we’ll tell them how it really is as soon as we can.” Olly promised. “Is there anyone you want me to phone?”

 “No.” Louis shook his head. “I don’t want anyone to see me like this.”

“Okay.” Olly nodded. “It’s just us two now.” Stan had gone away from Louis and his fucked up mental state; Will had left them because he had Heidi to sleep with.

 Even this small thought brought on another wave of tears from Louis and he was hyperventilating helplessly while Olly stroked his hair, just turning everything over in his head.

 

 Louis woke with a pounding headache and a bursting bladder. Olly was asleep, sprawled out on the pillow next to Louis and he looked angry in his sleep – Louis hoped it had nothing to do with him but knew it probably did. He found the bathroom, relieved himself and then dug around in his suitcase for anything to relieve the pain in his head.

 He didn’t dare check his phone in case the news was already out. Even if the baby news hadn’t dropped today, the photos, videos and stories about last night would be all over the internet and Louis would be met with disappointment from everyone.

 His fans all wanted him to date either Harry or Cara or maybe Jack – there was no in-between so they’d all be mad at him. He’d been drunk out of his mind and was a bad influence to anyone who’d ever cared for him. He’d shouted, sworn and stuck his fingers up at the paparazzi while claiming everything was fake. His memory was worryingly clear for the state he was pretty sure he’d been in.

 There was only one person he wanted to see or speak to right now and she was in Doncaster.

 “Hi Mum.”

“Hiya Louis. How are you?” Jay didn’t scold him; she knew he was past that point.

 “Not good.” He admitted. “Is the story about me having a baby out yet?”

“Not yet Lou.” Jay told him gently. “There are photos all over the internet of you and quite a few people having fun in a club, then a video of you and the paparazzi but according to Fizzy who rang me this morning all of your fans find it pretty funny. You’re reminding all your fans that you’re not straight or in a serious relationship with anyone Jones tries to say you’re with and you told them all it’s fake.”

 “Jones is going to be so mad.” Louis told Jay quietly. “I can’t help myself Mum, I just- he makes me so mad and I have to lash out sometimes.”

 “I understand Louis but I don’t like seeing you in that condition.”

“I know Mum. I’m sorry.” Louis apologised.

There was a gentle silence while Louis waited for another scolding or bout of questions but instead Jay told him what she knew he needed.

“You’re a strong boy Louis, you can get through this. I know you and I know you can get out of this with your head still held high if you play your cards right.”

 “Is that your way of subtly telling me to stop drinking?”

“Not at all but I’m telling you that you don’t have to deal with it this way. There are other ways to show up management, and maybe if you play your cards right, make this Briana girl look like a gold digger, look weird, I don’t know, maybe that could play in your favour.”

 “I’ll think about it.” Louis considered. “Thank you.”

“I’ll always be here to help you Louis, I love you baby.”

 “Love you too Mum, I’ll speak to you again soon.”

 

 Louis wasn’t allowed out of the hotel all day and watched with dismay as Stan and Olly went out to get Louis some lunch while tried to find something to do. He saw #NewEskimoAlbum was trending and promised himself he’d never listen to it. Louis watched half an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians before he remembered that Kendall Jenner was supposedly engaged to Harry and eventually turned the TV off and decided to read. He was flicking through his new book The Psychopath Test wondering whether Simon Jones was a psychopath when a text from Olly came through; it was a link accompanied with this:

_You need to hear this song._

Louis frowned and clicked the link which took him to a YouTube video titled this: **Leaked Harry Styles demo - HOURGLASS**

Why did Olly want him to listen to this? Was it a massive apology about whether it was too late now to say sorry? There was no visual when Louis pressed play, just the title in Comic Sans in front of a white background but it was the audio that really mattered.

 There was the raw sound of an acoustic guitar being strummed and then Harry’s voice started singing:

_“You know when you’re gone I struggle at night, dream of you fucking me all the time,”_ Wow, okay Harry, _“And I know you’re tied up and I know your phone’s fucked, I’m craving your  calls like a soldier’s wife.”_ This song couldn’t be about Louis, it just couldn’t. This was just another stupid song that Harry had written without any experience of relationships.

 “ _I_ w _anna bring you home myself, bring you home myself.”_ Every celebrity ever that wrote music wrote songs about being away from loved ones, it was an easy cliché that came with touring... except it wasn’t Harry on tour, it was Louis and that was the perspective of the song. According to Harry, he was waiting for someone to come home.

  _“Come back, move in, mess my place, chest infect me, waste my days.”_ Whatever relationship Harry had written this about sure sounded serious. _“’Cause I know you love to drive me up the wall, I know you love to drive me up the wall,”_

Someone was driving Harry crazy. Louis was driving Harry crazy according to Lottie.

  _“And I’m so impatient when you’re not mine, I just wanna catch up on all our lost times, and I say I’m sorry if I sound sordid ‘cause all I really ever want is you.”_ So Harry was sorry, except when had he told Louis that? Was this even about Louis? Probably not seeing as everything was completely professional and songs like this weren’t written for ‘just friends’.

“It’s not about me. He never liked me, he told me that.” Louis told himself aloud in the empty room. “You’re being delusional.” The song was drawing to an end, the guitar gently slowing and Harry’s voice still singing earnestly.

_“Offer my hand and I’ll take your name, share my shower, kiss my frame, ‘cause I wanna carry all of your children and I wanna call them stupid shit.”_

Oh.

Louis replayed the last line, not quite believing his ears. “I want to call them stupid shit?” He asked himself, hands shaking. No. No.

_“What would you ever call your children?” Harry asked into Louis’ hair when a couple on the TV began discussing baby names._

_The question was so delicate and Louis was currently being held in Harry’s tight, cosy arms but it only sent bad memories through Louis’ mind._

_“I don’t know.” Louis lied. If he ever had a son he would be called Freddie, a name Adeline and he had both loved because of their mutual love of Queen and if she was a girl it was likely Louis would call her Adeline now but they had once upon a time decided on the name Edith after Ada’s grandmother. “Just stupid shit.”_

But this song couldn’t be about Louis. It was Harry who’d told Louis that there was nothing so why was he writing a song about them? It was stupid. It was stupid and confusing and Louis hated it. He closed the link and texted Olly back.

_Harry Styles can go fuck himself._

Louis pocketed his phone and turned back to his book, trying to concentrate on the floating words.

 Harry wanted kids with Louis- no, someone – and he wanted to call them stupid shit. Louis had used that exact phrasing when they had talked about children. It wasn’t a common phrase to use when naming children, or was it? For all Louis knew it could have been Kendall who had said that to Harry. Maybe that’s all this was. A song to restore everyone’s belief in ‘Hendall’ or to make everyone think Harry had some other love affair and his womaniser title would be restored.

 Louis needed to know.

He slammed the book down and pulled his phone back out. He was going to ring Harry and just ask him straight what was going on.

 Louis was scrolling down his contacts list searching for Harry’s name when a text came through from Heidi.

_The story is out there. Briana is pregnant and you are the dad. I’m sorry xx_

Louis halted with his finger hovering about Harry’s name, shaking. This was it. It was actually out.

 And then tears started to form in Louis’ eyes and he didn’t know why. It was just a baby. It was just a news story about a baby that would eventually turn out not to be Louis’. It would only be a few months of this and then Louis would be free to do whatever the fuck he wanted.

 But it was a baby. People were going to ask Louis about how he felt having a baby and he would have to lie and say he was excited and that it was all he’d ever dreamed of. It wasn’t. Louis had wanted a baby with Adeline, in fact he’d wanted lots of babies with Adeline but that had never happened because Adeline had gotten ill.

 Every time someone would ask Louis about the baby he would be reminded of the quiet nights talking about baby names, discussing bedroom colours and whether they would move out of London to live a quieter life raising children.

 This was all Harry’s fault. It was Harry’s fault because he’d suggested fucking things up, he’d moved in to kiss Louis and Louis had fallen for him and agreed to do it and now he was here crying in the hotel room. Louis locked his phone and pushed it far away from him. He didn’t want to speak to Harry now or ever. Harry was poisonous and was writing these stupid songs to get into Louis’ head and giving Louis false hope that they could ever be more than people who sometimes fucked.

 Harry didn’t want Louis. Harry wanted Louis to crash and burn.

 

The week was long and most of it was a blur for Louis. He didn’t go out, he didn’t meet people and he didn’t give anyone the opportunity to ask him about the baby. Instead Louis just scrolled through the endless diagnostics that his fans had done, the disproving they’d managed to do in the short amount of time and the endless list of reasons as to why Louis was staying so quiet about everything.

Most big outlets had dropped the news within half an hour of each other and contained a lot of the same phrases and sentences. Many of the fans rightly found this suspicious because usually with breaking news like this, one outlet that had the exclusive dropped it a sizable amount of time before the rest of them did.

 The media silence from anyone close to the band was also suspicious. In every other circumstance friends and family would have congratulated Louis and Louis would have acknowledged the news himself – no one had.

The Billboard Music Awards were at the end of the week and Louis had been dreading the date. There would be red carpet interviews, eyes on them all night and White Eskimo were scheduled to be there. Not only that but Louis and Cara would be performing FourFiveSeconds for everyone to hear and Jones was pressurising them to either make or break their relationship: Cara was either disgusted Louis had gotten another girl pregnant and would abandon him meaning that Louis would drift closer to Briana and they would be made to look like an item or Cara would stick with Louis through this and they would be sickeningly sweet to one another for everyone to see.

 There was only one good thing that had happened that week and that was Olly taking Louis to a studio and writing a song with him. They’d written a song, a really good one, called Drag Me Down and it had made Louis feel better for all of four hours. Then they’d left the studios and fans and paps had shouted questions to Louis about the baby and his mood had plummeted all over again.

 

_@LarryLover: I won’t believe the baby news until @Louis_Tomlinson confirms it himself!_

“Sorry love, you’re going to have to believe it.” Louis muttered at his twitter and looked back up out of the window, trying to gauge how close to the Billboard Music Awards’ red carpet they were. Olly and Finn were in quiet conversation, not paying attention to Louis and his shaking hands but Will reached out and patted them.

 “We’ve got your back.” He told Louis. “You’re not alone.”

“Thanks.” Louis smiled, except it wasn’t their lives being affected. This would be tarnished to Louis’ name for the rest of his life. If he ever had a baby of his own it would be bought back up at every available opportunity and there would be speculation about whether any baby was really his.

 There had been speculation for over a week now and Louis had heard it during the shows they’d played. He’d not addressed it on social media, never mentioned it to anyone and luckily no one had been allowed to ask but it had been there screaming in the silence.

 Scheduled in every show was an allocated time for each band member to speak, make a joke, talk about the crowd and maybe get a bit of interaction going on. Usually when Louis stepped away from the rest of the band and spoke to the crowd they cheered; the first show after the ‘babygate’ (as the fans were calling it) news dropped he was met with an icy silence. Louis had seen the disappointment in everyone’s faces when he didn’t give them the answers they wanted and instead just carried on singing and playing the songs with no expression. What was the point?

 Jones had wanted Louis to address it then and there on the stage at the first show after babygate dropped. He’d told Will to bring up that he was getting married in the summer and that could lead to a conversation about Louis having a baby, but they’d all flat out refused. Until they were asked directly by someone that was authorised, no one was saying anything about it because it was wrong, all of it was wrong.

 As soon as they stepped out onto the Billboard Music Awards’ red carpet every single photographer and interviewer shouted Louis’ name and usually the word ‘baby’ followed in quick succession. Heidi and Kerri guided the band down telling them which cameras to smile at and which cameras to ignore and when they got to their first interviewer, MTV, she had a quick word with the woman before stepping back and letting The Rogues do their thing.

“So hello boys, can I just say you all look amazing.” Not even an introduction to this women, that was unusual.

 All four of them muttered thanks, Finn making a comment on the suits Adam had picked out for them and then the interviewer began her questions.

 “So you’ve just begun touring, is there a big difference between the crowds at home in Britain and the ones in America?”

 That old chestnut. Will had a prepared answer for this question, an unimaginative one they’d been asked ever since first leaving the UK so Louis stopped paying attention and let his eyes drift up and down the carpet. To his surprise Little Mix were stood only a couple of metres up from them and Louis wondered if Jones had planned that to spark some of the Finn and Jesy rumours everyone had been pushing for at the Brits. Perrie shot a smile at Louis when they caught eyes and Louis smiled back, already imagining the headlines that could unwind from that action.

_Tomlinson makes a move on Perrie Edwards in an attempt to make a dig at rival band White Eskimo, but how does rumoured flame Cara react?_

Speaking of Cara, where was she? Jones would have made sure that they’d arrived close together, carefully planning with everyone he could so that maybe an ‘accidental’ run in between the two could happen in front of the cameras and Louis could peck Cara on the cheek and give everyone the ‘Lara’ photos they were dying for.

 Everything was so fake. There were no accidents in the world of show-biz and Louis would never be able to look past the smoke and mirrors again. Louis found Cara. She was climbing out of a car at the end of the red carpet, look as stunning as usual, and the cameras all began to flash again.

 “Shall I repeat my question Louis?” The interviewer asked and Louis snapped back to reality, looking blankly at the woman. “I asked whether you and Cara were still together following the recent rumours,” she repeated, “are you? You’ve obviously been distracted.”

 “What’s happening between Cara and I is our business alone but we’re performing together tonight which I’m really looking forward to.”

 “Did you mean to coordinate your outfits?” The interviewer asked now and Louis glanced back to Cara, noticing that her red dress matched the pocket napkin in Louis’ breast pocket.

 “You can decide that for yourself.” He smiled, not wanting to give anyone any sort of exclusive on anything they wanted.  

 The interviewer moved on to Olly now, asking how the writing for the new album was going but Louis was now bored. Although he disagreed with everything going on he knew that he needed to say something exciting and draw attention to The Rogues. He may want to go against everything Jones told him to do but he also wanted to be part of a successful band and right now mentioning the baby would be a very beneficial thing.

 “Do any of you have anything else to add?” The interviewer asked and Louis had decided what he was going to say.

 “Always be safe and never do it without a condom.” Louis smiled. Jones was going to skin him.

“And that wraps up our talk with The Rogues.” The interviewer smiled, fear in her eyes as she turned back to her camera at the unexpected turn the innocent interview had taken. Heidi was already ushering the four of them away from the interviewer when Kerri pulled Louis to the side.

 “No more shit like that Lou. It’s funny, I know it’s funny and I laughed but Jones won’t. You don’t have to look happy about this baby because she’s just this random girl that you’ve ‘knocked up’ but be careful with what you’re saying.”

“I get it.” Louis nodded. “I’ll pretend I’m horny over Cara on the stage later or something, sing directly to her when we perform?”

 “So you’re going with the ‘she’s sticking around’ story then?” Kerri checked and Louis nodded.

“I think that’s going to be best with our single. I need to talk to Cara, tell her that’s what we’re doing.”

 “Run down and see her then, the cameras will love it if you whisk her off for a quick word.”

 Louis did just that. He ducked back past grabbing interviewers and networking agents before he was next to Cara in front of a camera.

 “Oh hello.” Cara smiled,

“Can I have a quick word?” Louis asked and Cara nodded, probably glad to be stepping away from whoever was trying to talk to her. When they were safely away from any prying ears Louis told her what his plan was.

 “If it’s okay with you we’re going to go with the story that you’re sticking with me despite the baby news and we’re getting ‘serious’ with each other.”

 “Sounds good.” Cara smiled but it wasn’t in her eyes, Louis didn’t blame her.

 “Also apparently our clothes match so go with it but- I don’t know; I’ve been being non-committal. We’ll be public but not want to go into any details.”

 “It sounds good. What would look really good is if we kissed as well.”

Louis didn’t want to kiss Cara on principle but he leant in and pecked Cara’s lips lightly while the crowd all cheered.

 “Thank you babe.” Cara grinned but it still wasn’t quite reaching her eyes and Louis understood. He made his way back up to the red carpet to where the rest of The Rogues were stood waiting and smiled as the interview began.

 It was as dull as every other interview Louis had ever stood through but the inevitable subject came up and he pushed his lips together and tried to smile through it.

 “So Louis, congratulations from one father to another.”

“Thank you,” he nodded, “I’m buzzin’,”

 He was far from it.

 “And White Eskimo are soon to arrive here tonight, I read somewhere that Harry has a beard now.” Louis did a double take and Olly snorted to stifle a laugh. “Have you guys seen his beard?”

 “Harry’s had a beard for a very long time,” Louis told the interviewers, “I think some people just aren’t looking at him right.” Both interviewers frowned, not understanding what Louis was on about but Olly had to duck behind Finn to hide his laugh.

Will took control of the question and managed to draw away from Louis’ comment. “We don’t know White Eskimo that well, we haven’t seen them in a while so Harry might have a beard, you’ll have to wait and see.”

 Of course Harry had a ‘beard’; Harry, like Louis, had had beards for his entire career and there were a lot of people that were going to understand what Louis had just said to the interviewer but they were missing a joke because ‘beard’ was a term for a fake girlfriend, something Harry and Louis were both very familiar with. Mentioning beards like that was risky but Louis wouldn’t get in trouble for outing Harry as long as he himself looked straight, if anything getting Harry in trouble sounded like quite a nice idea.

 At the end of the red carpet the band were ushered into a room where they were given a free drink and were allowed to just chat. A writer who’d helped on The Rogues’ first two albums came up and had a chat with them, luckily avoiding any talk about babies and Demi Lovato appeared and told them she was a really big fan. Louis saw a chance.

 “Demi, can I just say that my sisters were devoted to you when Camp Rock was out, and to be honest I was too, but they would completely freak out if I could get a picture with you.”

 “Louis’ just too cool to ask for one for himself.” Olly joked and Louis shook his head but Demi agreed to have a photo with them.

 “I do love your song Cool for The Summer.” He admitted as Heidi took the photo for them.

“I thought someone like you would.” Demi smiled. “I laughed when I saw that baby headline, I know enough about you to know that you wouldn’t just shag someone and let everyone know you’d gotten them pregnant like that. Are you gay or bisexual, I heard that you and this comedian were dating last year.”

 “We were; I guess bisexual is something you could label me as.” Louis supposed. “That or pansexual but I’m not really sure. You’re bi aren’t you?”

 “Yes.” Demi smiled. “Maybe we should write sometime, shall I give you my number?”

Louis watched in disbelief as Demi Lovato put her number into his phone and had to remind himself that this was his job. He was one of these people who people admired and idolised. Demi handed his phone back to him, kissed him on his cheek and then said goodbye while Louis wondered how exactly he told his sisters that he’d just met one of their favourite celebrities and she’d kissed him on the cheek. Olly knew exactly how to bring Louis crashing back down to earth.

“Lou, don’t look but White Eskimo are over there here.” Olly murmured looking over Louis’ shoulder.

Louis rolled his eyes. “Even Harry?” Olly frowned at Louis’ question.

 “No, they came without their front man to one of the biggest award shows there is.”

“I’m meant to be the sarcastic one.” Louis pouted but then turned his attention back to the fact that Harry wasn’t far away. Louis didn’t want to talk to him. Louis didn’t even want to see his smug little face. Louis instead turned in the opposite direction and found Cara Delevingne approaching.

 “Hello babe,” she smiled, “what’s got you looking all grumpy?”

“Harry Styles, who else?” Louis replied glumly.

 “Is he still fucking you around?” Cara asked in disbelief. “I thought you weren’t talking anymore.”

“We’re not but he’s writing songs about me and he’s the reason I have to fake this baby.”

 Cara shook her head. “Let him go Louis. Didn’t you sleep with that model? Didn’t he get the hint then?”

“Apparently not.” Louis sighed. “He was angry and then apologised and wanted to talk to me but I walked away.”

 “Good move.” Cara congratulated. “Is that model anything serious or am I being your wing-woman tonight?”

 “Jack’s not serious but if you want to help find me a good shag I won’t complain. I think I need it.”

“Urgh I know the feeling.” Cara groaned. “You take sex for granted when you’re dating someone but I would literally have sex with anyone in this room at the moment.”

Louis frowned and began to question what had happened to Kendall but he was interrupted by Kerri and Heidi telling him it was time to go into the arena for the awards show to begin. He was dragged away from Cara and followed his bandmates to their seats for two hours of people performing, receiving awards and being fake about who they were thankful for.

Cara wasn’t sat closely to The Rogues. She was a good few rows behind them and when Louis found her in the crowd he realised that she was sat right in front of White Eskimo. He didn’t look behind at her again in fear of seeing Harry.

The Rogues were performing near the end of the show and Louis and Cara’s performance was just before that so he had to sneak out of the audience ten minutes before they did. He got changed out of his expensive suit into a comfortable pair of skinny jeans and t-shirt and then met Cara to one side of the stage. They watched Taylor Swift pick up yet another award and Louis decided to ignore her regurgitated acceptance speech and turned to Cara, wanting to ask her about her own private life that she’d touched on earlier.

 “So you and Kendall aren’t sleeping together anymore?” Louis asked Cara.

“We broke up.” Cara told Louis shortly. “We argued a lot and... well yeah, it’s over.”

 “Oh... I’m sorry for asking.” Louis apologised.

“Looks like we both are having it shit then.” Cara sighed. “I’ve been thinking about you and Harry and- it’s a shame you turned out not to be good together. I think you’re really well matched.”

 “I thought we were too but we’re not.” Louis shook his head. “I’d never lead someone on like he did and then just turn around and be confusing as fuck and- I don’t even know what he was doing if I’m honest.”

 “Ask him.” Cara suggested as if it were that simple. It was a million miles away from what she’d told Louis earlier and Louis wondered if she’s spoken to Harry when they’d been sat near each other. It would make sense, they were friends.

 “I don’t know.” Louis shrugged. “If I do ask him though it won’t be tonight because it will turn out like the Brits did and I don’t need that again.”

 “Fair enough.” Cara reasoned. “Maybe some closure at least would be good though, it might be what you need.”

 “It might.” Louis considered. “Let’s just do these performances and enjoy it while we can.”

The rest of The Rogues were somewhere else on the other side of the stage, waiting for Louis and Cara to perform FourFiveSeconds and then perform No Control. It was a pity none of their new music was out yet because Louis would love to smash a performance of Drag Me Down in Harry’s face but for now they were sticking with what they knew everyone loved along with the debut performance of FourFiveSeconds.

 

The BMA’s had an official after party in a club just down the road from the venue and Louis and Cara went together, making sure they were clutching hands as they arrived for the camera’s sake. Inside the club they separated and Cara very quickly found a friend of hers with long hair and legs while Louis found himself flirting with a younger Australian man who was quite a lot taller than him.

 They were dancing together and Louis was on the verge of inviting the charming man back to his hotel room when he heard his name shouted from behind him.

“Tomlinson!” It was an Irish voice and it took a moment for Louis to place it before he realised it was Niall Horan. He turned back to the Australian man asking for his name but Niall was persistent and stepped between them, claiming he’d only be a minute. Louis checked that there was no sign of Harry, sent an apologetic smile to the Australian and then smiled to Niall, pretending he was thrilled to see him.

 “Have you had a good night?” He asked and Niall shrugged.

“No awards but free booze so it’s not all bad. I’m going to be honest I was looking for Olly but I’ve just remembered I wanted to talk to you about something as well.”

 “Yeah?” Louis asked, he had a feeling he knew exactly what this was about.

“Have you spoken to Harry yet?” Louis wondered how much Niall knew about Louis and Harry. Harry must have told him things about them but Louis knew Olly and Niall also spoke a lot so Niall might have heard Louis’ side of the story – come to think of it Olly probably knew Harry’s side of the story too.

 “I haven’t spoken to him.” Louis told Niall simply.

“Is there a reason for that? As far as I’m aware you haven’t spoken since that TV show and I know for a fact you didn’t speak to each other between 5 Seconds of Summer and that. I’m confused because I thought you were quite close but Harry won’t tell me much at all. Did you argue?” Niall was asking and it didn’t sound like he wanted gossip, it sounded like he was genuinely concerned about his friend. Louis didn’t doubt that what he said to Niall now would get back to Harry but quite frankly Louis didn’t care.

 “We didn’t argue but I don’t know what to say to him.” Louis shrugged. “I don’t want to try and out myself that way anymore and it felt like that was all Harry wanted to do to me.”

 Niall chuckled. “I really doubt that. He threw a pillow at a wall when he saw that you kissed that model.” _Louis threw a phone at the wall when Harry told him it was only promo._

 Louis just shook his head gently. “It’d be great if his heart started telling his brain that he was jealous.”

Niall just shrugged with a knowing smile. “I don’t know about you guys and your relationship and I certainly can’t give you any advice myself but- I hope you two work it out or at least talk. I hate it when things end weirdly with no real tied ends, it’s not right and especially not for you two because I really thought there was something more, you seemed to make him really happy.”

“I get it,” Louis assured Niall, “but I have had a tough year and I don’t need someone messing me around right now. I need some time and there needs to be less going on when we do talk and sort this out. I have a lot on my plate and it’s just easier if I pretend Harry isn’t happening right now.”

 “I understand.” Niall reasoned. “Just please don’t leave it too late. Harry’s like a brother to me and I won’t try and pretend he’s innocent because he probably isn’t, but he isn’t as wise as he pretends to be, sometimes he needs to be told things straight.”

 “I’ll keep that in mind.” Louis promised Niall but he didn’t plan on having anything to do with Harry any time soon. Niall disappeared but when Louis turned back to the Australian man the mood was gone. Louis apologised to him and excused himself, wanting to find something else to do. He’d already vowed not to have any more alcohol in fear of something terrible happening. He found Cara talking a girl by the bar and watched as Cara was turned down by the pretty brunette. Cara sighed, ordered another drink and smiled weakly as Louis stood on the recently vacated stool.

 “Have you found a fuck yet?”

“No.” Louis shook his head. “Niall Horan made sure of that.”

“Bloody Eskimos.” Cara shook her head. “When I was little I thought being a celebrity, being a model, being an actress would make it so easy to find someone. It has had the opposite effect completely. I scare normal people off now.”

 Louis chuckled. “Are we not normal?”

 “Apparently not.” Cara sighed. “We’re some sort of elevated being that normal people are not worthy of dating and it’s bloody annoying. That girl literally just told me that she wouldn’t be able to stand the pressure of dating me.”

 “Well- the media would scrutinise her.” Louis tried to offer in the girl’s defence.

“Only if they knew about her.” Cara instantly returned. “How many of your actual relationships have you been public with? None. It can be done quite easily but no, I am going to go another night just wanking myself off to sleep.”

Louis had an idea. “We should-,” Louis spotted a familiar figure and ducked down off the stool.

“What is it?” Cara asked, looking down at him bemused. She turned around and saw the same curly head that Louis had. “Oh, White Eskimo.”

 “I’m not dealing with him now, just- no.” Louis shook his head and hid himself behind the stool as best as he could to avoid Harry’s searching eyes. Cara dropped down next to him. “Why the hell are you hiding as well?” He asked in a confused whisper. Cara was wearing a bright red dress; she was going to give them away.

 “I’d look like an idiot sat alone and he’d ask me where you were.” Cara replied, “Is it really that bad with him that you have to hide?”

Louis thought back to the leaked demo, to the hundreds of rejected calls and ignored text messages he’d had from Harry asking to talk before he’d blocked the number, to what he’d heard from various messengers.

 “I don’t want it to happen here.” Louis settled with. He saw Harry’s sparkling boots walk past followed by a couple of other pairs who were probably the rest of White Eskimo and then they were gone.

Cara let out a relieved laugh as they saw White Eskimo’s feet finally pass.

 “Shall we get out from behind these stools then?” Louis asked Cara but she shook her head, leaning in to Louis.

 “No, I like it down here.” Cara pressed a chaste kiss against Louis’ lips and then smiled. “I knew you were wearing something on your lips, it’s strawberry flavoured!”

 Louis nodded with a blush, “Tinted lip balm.” He told her and reached into his pocket, trying to find it to show her. He pulled out a handful of the contents of his pocket and had managed to find it along with a condom, a pen lid and a packet of chewing gum.

 “You have a condom?” Cara asked with a smile and Louis nodded, suddenly very aware of how close their two bodies were. “Do you want to use it?” Cara asked again and Louis nodded. He needed a shag and Cara had said she did too – what harm would it do anyone?

 “We’ve got to leave this party then.” The press would love photos of Cara and Louis leaving the club and arriving at the nearby hotel together and print their stories about how strong their relationship was despite Louis getting another girl pregnant.

 What Louis would love more than anything would be to see Harry’s face throughout it. He had been pissed about Louis and Jack, how had he reacted when Louis had let anyone who wanted to touch him at the club that night, how would he react if he knew that Cara and Louis sleeping together wasn’t just for the cameras?

 Hopefully Harry would be beautifully jealous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always a huge thank you to my beta who pointed out all of my shitty mistakes and errors, I honestly don't know what I would do without you.  
> The good news was that you got two updates in one week, the bad news is that this is because I am going to France tomorrow for two weeks on holiday and am not taking my laptop with me :( There won't be any updates for at least two weeks but make sure you hit subscribe to know when I do next update.  
> Follow me on tumblr as well @written-with-no-end if you want to chat about the fic or just anything in general and for updates on where this fic is at.  
> Please give kudos if you liked it and please please comment if you have anything to say because they are the best things authors could ever receive.  
> I love you all and will see you in two weeks xxx


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my betas and for Mira for making sure this chapter made sense. Sorry it's short but the next two are going to be big and juicy, I promise xxx

 There was a knock at the door. And then another one.

“If you don’t answer that door and tell whoever it is the other side of it to go and fuck themselves then I will post a photo of your cock on every social media site I own and claim that you only last ten seconds.” Cara threatened, eyes still closed and hair still fanned out on the pillow behind her head.

 “Not a morning person then?” Louis asked under his breath and rolled out of the bed, landing awkwardly on the floor. There was another knock. “For fucks sake, I’m coming!” He shouted out and groped with one hand for his boxers and his glasses with his other.

 Eventually Louis found both of them and stumbled to the door, pulling it open as a fourth knock sounded throughout the room.

 “Lou-,”

“Harry?”

Harry Styles was stood at Louis’ hotel room door and was looking Louis up and down from the boxers hung loosely around Louis’ hips to the love bites littered on his chest and the ruffled sex hair. Harry was dressed in his gym gear, his hair was damp and he’d obviously spent a while working out but his eyes looked horrified.

 “What do you want?” Louis asked, wishing Harry could see Cara asleep on the bed, wishing that Harry would fight for him back.

Harry couldn’t see Cara but he could see Louis topless and covered in love bites; it would have to be good enough. Harry tried to talk to Louis normally, like Louis didn’t look the way he did but he was obviously distracted. Louis tried not to think too much about it.

 “I want to talk.” Harry replied simply.

“I’m sort of busy.”

 Harry did a full body scan of how Louis looked and then a smirk crept onto his face.

 “They’re not fucking you right.”

“Excuse you. What makes you think it’s a guy?” Fuck Harry and his ignorance.

 “It’s not Jack?” Harry frowned.

“No.” Louis replied. “Can I get back to them or are you going to keep me here any longer.”

 “So you don’t have a boyfriend?” Louis had to be imagining the hope in Harry’s eyes.

“No. Why does that matter?”

 “Do you have a girlfriend?”

“Again, why does that matter?” Harry didn’t answer, instead he shifted uncomfortably and tried to look past Louis into the room. Louis moved to block Harry’s view so he gave up.

 “I came to talk to you but now obviously isn’t a good time.” Harry hesitated on leaving, turning back before he stepped away. “Congratulations on the baby.”

“Fuck off.” Louis shook his head and closed the door. He made his way back to the bed and climbed in again next to Cara who murmured into the pillow.

 “I forgot to congratulate you last night.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Louis replied, letting his fingers dance on her back now. “It’s no big deal.”

 “When are they going to announce that it’s not yours?” Cara checked and Louis shrugged.

“They keep changing their mind about it, soon, before it’s born, after it’s born, fuck knows anymore. The last I heard it was the album launch but Jones is renowned for changing his mind so I wouldn’t count on anything.”

 “That’s shit.” Cara muttered and rolled over until she was on top of Louis. “So are we going again or do you have somewhere to be?”

 “I don’t have anywhere to be.” Louis smiled. “But wait- is this going to be a regular thing or... just casual and still friends? With benefits?”

 “Friends with benefits.” Cara nodded. “It’s a good film that, made me fall hopelessly in love with Mila Kunis. If I fall madly in love with you like Jamie does in that film about it, I’ll be sure to tell you.”

 “Just please don’t be Harry.” Louis pleaded and Cara assured him she only wanted him for the banter and the sex.

 

 “Wehey!” Olly smiled when he saw Louis coming over to him by the pool. “That’s an impressive collection of love bites, who did you hook up with last night!”

 “A gentleman never tells.” Louis smirked however knew it would be pretty obvious when Cara came down as well, also covered in the tell-tale bruises. Olly had last left Louis and Cara together and both of them had disappeared early on in the night. He climbed onto the sun lounger next to Olly and looked out to the pool, noticing that Will was in the water with Liam Payne, the two of them discussing something in great detail. Finn and James were splashing around as well, safe in the knowledge that for the weekend this hotel had a guarantee for no paparazzi or fans.

 “Harry’s noticed you.” Olly told Louis, nodding over to the bar where Harry was getting a glass of water.

“Oh- he came to my room this morning.” Louis told Olly.

“Was it him you fu-,”

“No, I didn’t fuck him.” Louis shook his head. “But he kept asking who I had been with and whether I had a girlfriend or boyfriend and it was just weird and he looked seriously upset by the fact I was over him.”

 “He’s still into you mate, you know this.” Olly shrugged but Louis shook his head.

“Well if he’s still into me he needs to grow up and tell me.”

“Have you told him how you feel yet?” Olly asked and Louis blushed because no, he hadn’t.

“How did he even know my room number?”

 “Finn partied with him last night.” Olly shrugged. “He probably got it out of him because Finn’s desperate for you two to be happy together, he hates seeing you hurt.” The two lay back quietly for a moment or so before- “Oh my god, it was Cara you fucked wasn’t it?”

 Louis looked around and saw her strolling out in a bikini, a collection of marks on her neck and stomach. Louis couldn’t help but smile at Olly’s dropped jaw.

 “Fucking hell Lou.” Olly murmured. He fell silent as Cara came and sat on the sun lounger next to Louis and struck up a conversation with ease.

 “Morning boys, when’s Will’s wedding?” Cara checked. “He’s not already married is he?”

“No- his wedding’s a month away.” Louis told her.

 “Maybe you should go as Louis’ plus one.” Olly suggested with a smirk but both Cara shook her head.

“I’ve got work all of next month. Film stuff.” She sighed. “That’s a pity, I love a good party but I’ll have to just send a card. Have you got a plus one Olly?”

 Cara didn’t know explicitly about Olly being asexually but she’d known Olly’s lack of interest in hooking up with anyone back in the good old days.

 “I’m going to take Niall I think.”

“As a romantic thing or just as a friend?” Cara checked. “I was pretty sure Niall was aro.”

 “He is.” Olly nodded. “And I am as well I guess. Aro or ace.”

“That explains a lot.” Cara nodded, not even needing to ask what that meant. “Oh look, it’s Mr Styles coming over. Are you alright Harry?”

Louis glanced over and then away again, not knowing how or what to say to Harry.

 “Sort of.” Harry grumbled. “Did you two sleep together last night?” He was trying so desperately to sound casual about it but Louis knew he really hated it.

“Yes we did, why?” Cara asked, unabashed at the question. Harry just sort of stood there gormlessly and Louis couldn’t help himself.

 “Are you jealous Styles? Remembering what you could have had?”

Harry squirmed and Louis smirked. Louis had spent enough time hating Harry that he could do this, that he could watch Harry hurt and pretend it didn’t bother him; Harry obviously couldn’t. “I’m not jealous! Are the two of you together then? That’s quick after Kendall, Cara.”

 “No we’re not, we just had sex once or twice and slept in the same bed.” Louis shook his head. “Very similar to what happened to us and you were pretty adamant we weren’t together. You have some sort of paranoia towards Cara and I; why?”

 “We obviously look too hot together.” Cara laughed, not giving Harry a chance to answer. “So who’s better in bed Louis, Harry or me?”

 Louis wasn’t going to give Harry any credit. “You Cara, you say what you really want from me.”

Cara glanced at Harry to gage his reaction but Louis didn’t look at him. If Harry was finding this uncomfortable then it was his fault, he fucked it up and Louis was pretty sure by now he’d lied about not having any feelings. Harry could face up to what he’d done and how shit and embarrassed he’d made Louis feel for falling for Harry’s stupid pretty face.

Harry hovered for just a few more seconds, considering saying something else to the three of them something before turning away and heading towards the pool, crouching by it to talk to Liam.

 “That was harsh Louis.” Cara told Louis as Harry wondered out of earshot but Olly shook his head at Cara’s remark.

 “Cara, you didn’t see how bad he cut Louis up. I think Louis was a bit soft.”

 “Unlike last night then.” Cara scoffed and poked Louis playfully.

 

Louis was watching an episode of Dance Moms and trying to understand what Daisy and Phoebe loved so much about it when there was a gentle knock at the door. There was a handful of people that it could be: Cara asking for more sex, Kerri or Heidi with an important message from Jones or one of his bandmates just bored and wanting to have a chat. Louis was in comfy shorts and topless but he decided that it didn’t matter as he went to answer it.

 It wasn’t Kerri, Heidi, Cara or one of his bandmates. It was Harry. Again.

“Don’t shut the door.” He pleaded as soon as Louis recognised who it was. “Let me speak. Please.”

 Louis stayed still, unsure of what the best thing to do was.

“I was wrong. I lied. I fucked it all up because I was scared of my own feelings and it took me too long to figure out why you stopped talking to me.” Harry was talking quickly like he was scared Louis would cut him off or stop listening so Louis took his hand off of the door, indicating that he wasn’t going to shut it. “It was a date. It was always going to be a date and I’m an idiot and- if I could turn back time I would change all of it because I did want you and I still do and I hate myself for thinking playing it cool would be the best way of impressing you.”

  Louis stared numbly at Harry’s hopeful eyes.

He wanted to everything from cry to scream at Harry to just pull him in for a kiss and he couldn’t make any coherent thought because a voice at the back of his head was just roaring _“Harry wants me!”_

 “I understand if you’re angry at me.” Harry said quietly. “And if you’ve moved on or if I’ve got it completely wrong but-. When you asked me about the 5 Seconds of Summer concert I was scared you were going to not come if I told you I wanted it to be a date. Right from the start I’ve been wanting to be with you and looking back it was creepy and manipulative and- I don’t know what to say. I didn’t want to kiss you for publicity, I wanted to kiss you because I’ve fancied you since I was a horny sixteen-year-old boy listening to you on YouTube.”

 Harry was blushing now, embarrassed to be telling Louis this but Louis kept his face straight. “I fancied you too.” He told Harry quietly. “But- you fucked me up bad Harry.”

 “I know. I realised that after that TV show and- well Lottie told me quite a lot about how you were feeling and- I’m sorry.” He settled with. “I’m so sorry that I made you feel that way because that was never my intention and I just want to try and make everything better.”

 Louis was very aware that Harry was still stood in the corridor and stepped back from the door. “Come in.” He offered and Harry smiled weakly like it was some sort of triumph. Louis indicated towards the bed and Harry sat down on it. Louis stayed standing.

 “I understand that you blame me for the baby story and I- I blame myself too. Lottie said that you and Adeline had always wanted kids and- I understand why you’re so angry and I want to help.”

 “How are you going to help?” Louis let out in a choke. “There is nothing anyone can do because it’s out there now. You can’t just delete those articles and pictures and pretend it didn’t happen and you can’t just say the baby isn’t real because there are going to be all these questions that I can’t answer.”

 “I didn’t mean help the baby situation.” Harry told Louis quietly, standing up and taking his hand. “I want to help you because you’re not okay and I think I’m pretty responsible for that.”

 “How are you going to help me?” Louis asked, bemused that Harry thought he was powerful enough to fix Louis. “I’m broken and it’s not something you can just kiss better.”

 “You’re not broken Louis.” Harry told him, cupping Louis’ cheek and stroking it softly. “You’ve been through so much and have stayed so strong. I saw you on stage at the BMAs and was in awe of your performance as always.”

 “So is this going to be how you help me? Just stand there admiring me?”

“No.” Harry shook his head. “I want to be here for you. I want you to tell me how you’re feeling, what’s going on and I want you to know that you’re not alone.”

 Louis couldn’t believe this. He shook his head gently and pushed Harry’s hand away. “How can I trust you? How do I know that you’re not just going to run off again when you realise what a mess I am?”

 “I can see past that mess.” Harry promised. “I’m not going to run Louis, I never meant for us to grow apart like this – I was going to tell you how I actually felt.”

 “When were you going to tell me?” Louis could feel his voice getting louder with disbelief. “When were you going to tell me that actually this wasn’t just a publicity thing? Would we buy a house together and post it all on twitter? Were you going to propose to me and pretend it was all for the cameras even then? Were you going to suggest we adopt because the tabloids will love it? I asked you the straightforward fucking question of what we were but that wasn’t a good enough opportunity?”

Harry just slumped back, his shoulders hunching. “I don’t know when I was going to tell you.” Harry admitted. “I’ve never done this before but I’m trying my best. Is that enough for you?”

 Louis had two options. He could tell Harry that no, it wasn’t enough because Louis had been let down too many times by him. Louis was fucked up and broken and Harry just kept on wearing him down more. On the other hand Louis could just accept Harry’s apology and start again. Giving up wasn’t like Louis. Louis was a fighter.

 Maybe it was enough.

Louis nodded and pulled Harry in for a hug. Harry’s body was familiar and reminded Louis of the happy nights they had spent together, of the watching of the TV shows and Harry attempting to teach Louis how to cook. It had been such a small amount of time but to Louis it felt like so much.

 “I don’t feel like me anymore.” He told Harry’s chest in a quiet voice. “I’m starting to believe what people say about me and it’s horrible.”

 “Well I know who you are,” Harry murmured back, “you are Louis Tomlinson and you are kind, generous and too good for this world.” Harry pulled out of the hug and looked Louis in his eyes. “I’ve seen what they’re saying about you and none of that is true.” _Yeah_ _it_ _is_.

 “I’m not responsible enough to be a Dad though, am I? Look at me, I go out and drink when things get tough and I fuck people just to piss you off.”

 “I’ve seen you with Amy.” Harry argued back. “I’ve seen you with Amy and you are everything a Dad would need to be with her. I was there when Kerri asked if you’d be her guardian and that isn’t something that mother’s ask anyone. Kerri has known you for five years, she’s seen you with Amy since Amy was a baby and she knows you’ve got everything it will take to be a parent.”

 Louis sat down on the bed and felt himself tearing up. Harry sat down beside him and put his arm around Louis.

 “You’re still you, Louis.” Harry said more gently. “I know you are.” Louis let Harry stroke his hair, run his fingers through it. “Are we okay? Can we do this?”

 Louis nodded and Harry tilted his chin up, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. Then they shifted and Louis found himself under Harry receiving a deeper, more passionate kiss.

It felt like home.

 

Louis felt a body stirring next to him and remembered last night. It felt like a distant dream; in the life Louis was used to Harry Styles didn’t come and apologise, Harry didn’t come and be gentle and kind and cuddle Louis until they slept.

 He opened his eyes and checked. Yes, that was Harry’s mop of curls and Harry’s tattoos on the bed next to him. Their bodies were still close but no longer entwined. Harry’s hand was resting on the pillow right next to Louis’ head and Louis had a vague memory of falling asleep with Harry stroking his hair.

 He was beautiful. The longer Louis looked at Harry, the more he came to realise that every physical feature on Harry’s face was flawless. His hair was tumbling all over his shoulders, his skin was scattered with light freckles and blemishes and his perfect pink lips were slightly upturned in his sleep – he was happy. Harry wasn’t a God, he had flaws and imperfections but that just made him so special and extraordinary. The way Louis saw Harry didn’t make any sense: it was contradictory, it was poetic and it was honest. Harry was so many twisting and turning things and they all wound together to make something strong, something Louis could hold onto – maybe not trust – but certainly hold on to.

 Louis’ phone buzzed from the bedside table and he quietly unlocked it and checked the text.

_Pap walk has been arranged this afternoon at a Starbucks so they can have pictures of you with an article about the baby, I tried to stop it but I couldn’t so you’re being picked up at two. This evening we fly to the next tour-date so maybe rest your voice. Jones is happy with what you did with Cara the other night so keep it up, some tweets to Cara will be going up onto your account tonight but nothing outrageous. See you tonight at the airport_ _J_

Louis groaned at Heidi’s text. It was a slap in the face from reality. Harry might be here right now but Louis would have to leave tonight and he had no idea when he’d next see Harry.

 And what if Jones found out he was involved with Harry again? Louis had to go back on tour, he had to pretend to have gotten a girl pregnant, he had to pretend to love Cara, he had to pretend all of the fucking time and if he and Harry said they were okay and tried to make a fresh start Louis would be pretending again.

 Harry asked if they were okay, if they could do this again. Louis had lied.

Louis wasn’t okay. Louis couldn’t do this again. Louis was just going to end up hurting even more when he went back on tour later.

 Louis looked back to Harry and groaned again. He’d never seen Harry asleep in the morning because he’d never taken up the offer to stay the night. Harry was soft, so fucking soft. While he was awake Harry could pass as a fully grown man who’d got his shit together but now he was a little kid curled up in the bed next to Louis. It was easy to see why he’d behaved the way he did. He was two years younger than Louis, he’d been emotionally manipulated and living someone else’s life since the age of sixteen. Maybe a reasonable person would have let Harry off the hook and given him a second chance. Louis didn’t have time for that.

 But he so desperately wanted it.

Louis knew what this was. He’d had this feeling before and he knew it wasn’t going to go away. He rolled out of the bed and was going to go to the bathroom to sort his shit out when Harry’s voice piped up from his side of the bed.

 “Are you constipated?” Louis paused halfway to the bathroom, frowning at Harry’s question. “It’s just- that’s a lot of groaning going on and I usually only hear that during sex or when Niall is constipated and- well we’re not having sex right at the moment.”

 Louis felt a smile creep onto his face at Harry’s boyish humour but it didn’t last long. “I’m not constipated, just remembering that I’m flying back on tour tonight.” _Just remembering that this can’t happen because I’m leaving._

“I got album stuff too.” Harry murmured, his eyes were still half closed with sleep but he looked happy. He looked so fucking good and happy. It hurt. It was everything Louis wanted right now: some happy, someone willing to share their life with Louis, someone who would curl up in bed with him and make sweet jokes in the morning.

It was so domestic it hurt.

 “I need to pee.” Louis told Harry and carried on to the bathroom, shutting the door slightly too hard.

He stared at the mirror. He looked at himself good.

 For the first time in a long time Louis didn’t look like shit. He was tired, his hair was scruffy and he needed a shave but there was something there that there hadn’t for a long time. Maybe his eyes were brighter, maybe there was a glow in his skin or maybe his mouth was slightly more upturned than usual.

 This was all going to go wrong.

He left the bathroom again and found Harry brushing through his hair in front of the mirror. When he looked around to Louis he smiled brightly and Louis returned it before he could help himself. Harry got up and pulled Louis in for a kiss, a gentle one that was just a reminder that Harry was there and wanted him. Louis had been so used to these kind of kisses once upon a time and hadn’t realised he’d missed them until now.

 “When do you have to leave?” Harry didn’t want Louis to – Louis could hear it in his voice.

“I don’t know. There’s a pap walk later but that’s after lunch and the airport. Kerri or Heidi will come and get me when they need me from here or give me a ring telling me the cars outside.” Louis didn’t want to give the exact time in case Harry held him to that. Louis needed to get out quickly.

 “Well I’m around until the evening so...” Harry bit his lip and pressed up against Louis. As much as Louis was tempted he needed to get this over with.

 “We can’t do this Harry.” Louis pulled away and shook his head. “I’m about to go away again and I’m fucked up and have a lot of stuff to do.”

 “Exactly.” Harry frowned. “Wouldn’t it be easier if at the end of the day you could ring me and- I’ll be here for you.”

 “No.” Louis shook his head. “You’ll just be one more thing I worry about and-,” Louis stopped himself. “You need someone more together than me.”

 “I don’t want someone more together than you.” Harry insisted. “Why do you always do this? You turn anyone that cares about you away!” Harry grabbed at Louis’ hand, trying to reason with him but Louis smacked it away.

 “Stop acting like you know my life Harry, you know nothing about me!”

“I know quite a lot actually.” Harry’s green eyes were angry. “If you got your head out of your arse you’d see that there is a life going on outside your little bubble. Niall and Olly talk like 24/7, I spent all of the BBMA’s after party with Finn just getting pissed out of our mind, Cara’s a good friend of mine, Lottie works for our band and is best mates with my sister. I know shit about your life so stop acting like I’m some crazed fan.”

 “My head’s up my arse? Good to know what you think of me Harry.” Louis muttered and stepped away. He began gathering his stuff up into his suitcase. “Here’s a tip Harry: next time you want to be with someone tell them before you break their heart and when you come running back to them don’t tell them they’ve got their head up their arse and push everyone that cares about them away.”

 “I’m sorry.” Harry tried but Louis shook his head again.

“Sorry for what?” Louis asked. “Sorry for lying about the concert, sorry for leaking a song about me in a desperate reach, sorry for being too fucking beautiful and good because even though you’re a dick I still just want to kiss you. You hurt me so much Harry so stop apologising and just leave.”

 “You heard that song?” Harry asked quietly.

“Of course I heard that fucking song.” Louis muttered. “But all that song did was just fuck me over some more so stop trying. It’s desperate and it’s pathetic.”

 “Louis, stop this.” Harry pleaded. “I still want you. What else am I supposed to do?”

“Leave.” Louis told him. “Or I’ll call my security and have you forced to leave.”

Harry grabbed his clothes and pulled them on. “This isn’t you Louis and I know it. It’s not me you’re angry at, it’s Jones and this fucked up business.”

 “Fuck off Harry. You’re just going to get me into trouble yet again so disappear because I’m done with you.”

 “I know you’re not.” Harry murmured. “And when you get over this anger I’ll be waiting for you, don’t worry.”

Louis knew Harry was right.

Louis watched Harry leave all the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr @written-with-no-end so please come and find me there if you would like to, I promise I don't bite.  
> Kudos, comments, bookmark and shares are all appreciated so please please please deliver.  
> So here's the thing, there are only two chapters left and they aren't going to be angsty. On it's way is happiness because Louis fucking deserves it after 100k+ of angsty shit.  
> This fic will all be up and finished by the end of September and thank you all for sticking with it.  
> xxxxxxx


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys: PENULTIMATE CHAPTER ALERT!!!!

Louis hadn’t even stayed in that hotel for another hour. He’d showered and scolded his skin with the hot water before packing up and getting a taxi to the only person he knew in LA that wasn’t going to ask intrusive questions about why Louis was running from someone who’d told him everything he’d wanted to hear. He texted James Corden ahead of arriving and when he arrived James didn’t ask why Louis looked ready to run away, he didn’t ask why Louis was bleary eyed and quiet, he just chatted away and made jokes like old times as if there was nothing wrong.

 Louis was scared that Harry would come back and try to talk to him again when he thought Louis had calmed down. He was scared that Harry would try and ask him something and Louis wouldn’t know what to say because, quite honestly, Louis still didn’t trust his mouth to tell the truth. _He wanted Harry so badly but knew that wasn’t allowed._

Louis did his pap walk and got on a plane. He could almost see Olly’s eye roll as Louis climbed onto the plane with a down smile and no intention of talking at all.

 “What happened?” He asked. Louis shrugged. “Niall told me Harry was crying this morning, was that anything to do with you?” Louis shrugged again. Olly gave up.

 

 The Rogues had done their sound-check and had an hour before the show started so Louis found a piano in an empty room and sat down. They had an album to write and Louis had a fuck load of feelings waiting to be turned into lyrics in his head.

Just before Louis began to press the keys he double checked for the final time that there was no one else in the room before letting his heart pour out.

  _“I wanna sleep next to you,”_ fuck, _“but that’s all I want to do right now.”_ This was going to be harder than Louis had thought, just letting everything spill out into a song. _“And I want to come home to you, but home is just a room full of our safest sounds,_ ”

 Stupid Harry Styles giving him contradicting messages and writing stupid fucking songs about him and his stupid, stupid body that was so perfect yet had walked out of Louis’ life.

  _“’Cause you know that I can’t trust myself, with my three AM shadow, I’d rather fuel a fantasy than deal with this alone,”_ Louis wasn’t okay, “ _I wanna sleep next to you but that’s all I want to do right now, so come over now and talk me down.”_

  _“I wanna hold hands with you but that’s all I wanna do right now, and I wanna get close to you ‘cause your hands and lips still know their way around.”_ Memories of Louis’ last night with Harry, the familiarity of his body as he hugged and gently kissed Louis and then lay next to him.

_“And I know I like to draw the line, when it starts to get too real but the less time that I spend with you, the less I need to heal, I wanna sleep next to you but that’s all I want to do right now, so come over now and talk me down.”_ Louis wouldn’t ever be able to release this song himself, this couldn’t go on the album. He’d learnt not to keep the meaningful songs to himself because it ruined them and made Louis feel guilty for it. He’d sell it on to someone younger and less fucked up than him and watch them get money and success from it and turn it into something it isn’t and that would be his feelings dealt with; someone else can ruin it for him.

_“If you don’t mind, I’ll walk that line, stuck on the bridge between us, grey areas and expectations but I’m not the one if we’re honest here.”_

 Louis didn’t just write songs about the angst and heartbreak in his life but those tended to be the best ones. Louis didn’t just write the songs either, he put a piece of himself into them, a piece of his life, a piece of his soul, a piece of his heart.

 In twenty years from now Louis would listen back to these songs and hopefully be in a far better place than he was now. In twenty years from now Louis would hopefully be with someone for the long haul and they would have a couple of children together. In twenty years from now Louis would look back at what state his soul was in now and hopefully only have a distant memory to relate to it because he would be living some years of bliss.

_You care too much._

Louis cared so fucking much about everything. He still cared about the fact he gave his teachers shit in school, he cared about the fact that he had a brother and sister who he doubted would even recognise his face because he never saw them, for fuck’s sake, Louis even cared about the fact that once upon a time at the start of this year he’d believed that ignorance was bliss.

 Ignorance was not bliss, ignorance was arrogant. Ignorance was assuming that someone like Harry Styles, someone with a similar story to Louis, would find relationships easy and would know how to go about telling someone how they really feel when faced with the daunting prospect of disappointment.

 Louis had lied too. Harry had asked if Louis had thought it was more and Louis had said no and lied about it being something Olly had said.

 Louis and Harry had both made mistakes. They were as fucked up and as broken as each other but they both wanted the same thing. They both wanted each other so why was it so fucking hard?

 Nothing made any sense to Louis.

Touring was slow. Louis got onto the stage, he sang and played songs and then he left the stage. The others put more into it, they tried to engage Louis to put on a performance but he couldn’t. They’d scrapped the audience member choosing a song once they’d left the UK and if Louis was honest that was the part he was missing. It was a chance for the audience to see the band interact like they would at a rehearsal, without the semi-professional façade the band usually kept up, now even that was gone.

 Harry would be waiting but Louis didn’t know what to say.

Louis had lost track of the days left and it hurt. He didn’t know how long he had left to deal with this anymore but there was the faintest silver lining that he couldn’t be fired. The album was fully in production now with late nights spent giving vocals and guitar riffs so Louis couldn’t be kicked from it.

 

“We need some more songs for the album.” Louis told Olly simply over the piano. “We need ideas.”

 “You’ve been writing stuff haven’t you?” Olly asked, frowning and Louis shook his head.

“Not stuff for the band, it’s just drabble really.”

Olly rolled his eyes, opened the lid of the piano, indicated for Louis to sit down at the piano stool. “I heard you last night playing some shit and I want to hear it because right now this album isn’t going to be longer than six songs.”

 “It’s not for the band.” Louis repeated but Olly didn’t give up.

“I don’t care. It’s your music and I’m your biggest fan so if that isn’t a good enough answer then it’s because I’m your friend and I know you put your feelings into songs instead of telling me about them. Please just tell me how you’re feeling. If that means playing a song, then play your song but if that means just sitting there and talking to me then it can be that as well.” Olly looked desperately into Louis’ eyes and shrugged slightly. “It scares me every time you lock me out because I want to be here for you and help you like you’ve always done for me.”

 Louis couldn’t say it. He looked from Olly’s face back to the piano keys and turned on his seat to play them.

_“I am tired of this place, I hope people change, I need time to replace what I gave away, and my hopes they are high I must keep them small, though I try to resist I still want it all.”_ Louis didn’t look at Olly while he sang this because he didn’t want to know how Olly was reacting to Louis’ stream of thought.

_“I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes, I see a little house on the hill and children’s names, I see quiet nights poured over ice and tanqueray but everything is shattering and it’s my mistake,”_ That had been maybe the worst bit of realisation then: Harry had said everything he needed to and Louis knew exactly where he stood with him, it was Louis who needed to make the move now but there was something physically stopping him from doing that. It was Louis’ fault.

_“Only fools fall for you, only fools, only fools do what I do, only fools fall,”_

  _“Oh our lives don’t collide, I’m aware of this, we’ve got differences and impulses, your obsession with the little things: you like stick, I like aerosol.”_ That fucking deodorant. _“I don’t give a fuck, I’m not giving up, I still want it all,”_ Harry had bought that fucking deodorant. He had bought that spray deodorant after Louis told him he preferred it and Louis still believed him when he’d told him it was nothing, after he told Louis he was new to all of this and Louis had given up so fucking easily.

 Maybe that was it. Maybe he didn’t deserve Harry because he hadn’t properly fought for him; everything had shattered and it was Louis’ mistake.

 But Louis wasn’t going to give up because there had been something and if losing Adeline had taught Louis anything it’s that time was short and you should just make a move if you wanted something.

 “Is that really how Harry has left you feeling?” Olly asked gently and Louis had forgotten that Olly was in the room with him.

 “It’s all my fault.” Louis shrugged. “I- I need to get him back.”

“And how are you going to do that?” Olly checked and Louis shrugged yet again.

 “I don’t know yet.” Louis shook his head. “I don’t even know when I’ll next see him.”

 And then something clicked in Louis. Why the hell was he sitting and moping around when he could be finding Harry and accepting that he was head over heels for him. What was he so afraid of and why was someone as irrelevant as Simon Jones holding him back?

Louis wasn’t going to give up because he’d got nothing to lose.

His job? Fuck it, he had talent and he had money.

His dignity? Jones had dragged that through the dirt with this fake baby story.

His heart? Louis’ heart had put up with a lot of shit already, it could handle a few more hits if something went wrong.

When had Louis gotten to the point where he let men fuck him over? Jones and all of his bullshit had never gotten to Louis before so what was different this year? When had Louis ever let the headlines and stories run him down to the point they had done before? When had Louis ever let Jones stop him from chasing a boy before?

 Louis knew what he wanted and Harry did to, why the fuck had Louis let him go?

 Louis wasn’t this kind of guy. Louis was the kind of guy who didn’t let anything hit him hard. Louis was the kind of guy to hold his head high and he always had before. People at school had called him a faggot and he’d carried on with the drama and music, footballers shouted slurs at him while he scored goals past them and he’d smacked them all in the face when The Rogues had had their first hit single and shot to fame.

 Giving in to Jones was giving in to everyone that ever doubted Louis and tried to make him change. Louis’ first mistake had been letting Harry make him feel so shit when he’d told Louis they weren’t an item but Louis was over that. That had crippled him briefly and made him vulnerable to all of Jones’ negativity but Louis wasn’t vulnerable anymore. Louis was done letting other men define his life and he was going to stop giving them that control over him.

 They had that power because Louis cared about what they thought of him and what they thought they could do to him.

 Louis had no fucks to give any more.

Those men had no power.

 

They were on their way to the next venue, all laughing and singing along to the radio when the car slowed down and came to a stop. Louis frowned, looking out the window to try and work out why their route was blocked. They were close to the stadium and there were fans everywhere but it wasn’t the fans blocking their route like they sometimes did, instead a parade of people in black were marching down the route across their car’s route and Louis only had to read one of their banners to hate what was going on.

_It’s an abomination._

Louis shook his head as he saw a group of Rainbow Rogues stood in a cluster at the side of the road, watching the parade. The driver was working out another route they could take to get to the venue and if Louis had the freedom to live his own life he would be out there ripping every single one of those banners down.

 But if Louis left the car he could get mobbed by fans, he could be attacked by the homophobes marching and he could lose his and so many other people’s jobs. Louis stayed in his seat with clammy hands while Olly pulled out his phone to immediately see what was going on.

 “The march is because we’re here.” He told Louis quietly.

“Because of us?”

 “Because we have a colourful fanbase and have appealed for equal love at various points in our life. They were going to hold it a few miles away because of the gay marriage legalisation but they saw we were playing here and changed its location.”

 “That’s disgusting.” Louis muttered, his heart going out to the Rainbow Rogues who just wanted to see the show. He pulled out his phone and tweeted without caring what repercussions he faced.

_@Louis_Tomlinson: There is a nasty protest close to the venue tonight, if you’re coming then stay safe xx_

The protest and the Rainbow Rogues stayed on Louis’ mind all throughout the sound check and right into the show. He could see the Rainbow Rogues’ banners and understood why they were so faithful to the band. The Rogues’ shows were a safe place, a place where everybody could be themselves. Why couldn’t Louis do that too?

 Louis’ chance to speak came and when he usually would have delivered the same comments about how the crowd looked great, the band was playing well and they loved the venue, this time he tried to make it interesting and tried to make everyone feel included in the show.

 “How are we all tonight?” He asked and smiled as the crowd all screamed. “Here in The Rogues we have a lot of songs about love and relationships-” The crowd screamed again; Olly, Will and Finn looked terrified as to what was going to happen next because Louis had immediately veered off his usual speech and had a mischievous look in his eye. “-and I’ve had various relationships of my own in the past.  One of the greatest things, in my opinion, is when the person you love likes the same music as you.” The crowd screamed again; Olly and Will were whispering now and were no doubt planning some sort of intervention. “How great would it be if I could help a member of this crowd meet a partner here tonight like a sort of match-making show?” The crowd screamed again, Louis saw Olly and Will look up in surprise and Louis’ preposition. “And if you don’t want a partner, that is cool too. I know people like you and you are awesome.” Louis felt like he had to add that in, it would be unfair otherwise. He was quite amazed when a loud scream erupted again from the crowd but he should have known his fans would support everyone from pan to ace and all in-betweens.

 “How are we going to match make then Louis?” Will asked, coming to stand next to Louis.

“Well we’ll find some single people, find out a bit about them and see if they have any takers. How does that sound?” The crowd liked the sound of that and Will did too. “Let’s see then, do we have any single people near the front?”

 A few hands shot up and Louis scanned the faces before settling on a teenage male who was stood on the second row.

 “Hello young sir, how about you?”

The teenager looked quite faint but nodded and told Louis he was enjoying the show.

“Good, that means we’re doing our job right. What’s your name?”

 The teenager shouted it but Louis didn’t quite catch it.

“What was that? Harry?”

 “Henry.” The boy corrected him and Louis blushed at his mistake, there had been quite a few screams when Louis had said Harry.

 “Henry? That’s a good royal name that back home in the UK. What are we looking for tonight then? Male, female, either, neither?”

 “Male.” The boy shouted back and Louis smiled, his gaydar had been spot on. A security man had now gotten into the crowd and was holding a microphone for Henry, Louis was so pleased that they were on board with this.

“Male in search of male. We can do that here. Tell us a bit about yourself. Age, favourite colour, favourite film, pet hates.”

 “I’m 18, my favourite colour is orange, my favourite film is Pride and my pet hate is nail biting.”

“Oh, I’m afraid you wouldn’t want to date me then, my nails are badly bitten. Pride eh? Good film that, lovely message.” Louis thought for one more moment before deciding on a final question. “What about deodorant? Are you a stick man or an aerosol man?”

Henry thought for a moment before replying: “Aerosol.”

 “Me too,” Louis grinned, “good lad. Do we have any takers for Henry? He likes orange, he’s eighteen and he knows how to stop himself sweating correctly.” A few hands shot up around the arena including one from an equally good looking teenage boy just two rows behind Henry. “Oh wow, Henry turn around and look at that beauty behind you. Do you like the look of him?” Henry nodded with a blush and Louis smiled triumphantly.

 “Hello, what’s your name?”

“I’m Tyler.” The boy smiled.

 “Tell us a bit about yourself.” Louis prompted and Tyler took the microphone with a blush.

“I’m also 18, I like the colour green, my favourite film is Hairspray and my pet hate is music snobs. Oh and I use stick deodorant.”

 “That sounds like a winner to me except the deodorant bit! Henry, what do you think?”

“Sounds good.” Henry blushed, biting his lip and smiling back at Tyler.

 “Wow, well done us then.” Louis smiled as Tyler moved forward to stand next to Henry and they immediately started chatting and smiling. “Are we already for our next song, it’s Alive!”

The crowd cheered and the lights went down for the next song as the band came in. Louis was buzzing on an energy he’d forgotten existed in him.

 It was a moment of madness later in the show as Olly stepped forward for his guitar solo during _Strong_ but Louis didn’t regret it one bit. The flag had been lying there with its bright colours, thrown to the stage by a hopeful fan for the band to notice. Louis bent down to seize it, wrapping it around his shoulders and parading up the catwalk so everyone could see. Louis also did something he rarely did and spoke over Olly’s guitar solo while the rainbow colours were flowing behind him.

 “On my way here I saw a lot of you arriving but also we were held up because of some disgusting people outside. I can see you, how colourful you are, and I just want to let you know that we love you all, you are all valid and you are all important.”

 When Louis reached the end of the catwalk he waved the flag around his head. Will was at the main stage still, singing his solo and telling everyone to hold on and Louis ran back up the catwalk, still waving his flag to his microphone stand and keeping hold of the flag while he prepared to sing the stripped back chorus.

 The screams were loud, louder than anything Louis could have hoped for and as he looked out at the family The Rogues had created he saw other colourful flags, fans with their rainbow signs and on so many they thanked The Rogues for inspiring them to be themselves. Every time Louis read something like that, he felt a swell of pride, and despite the disgusting behaviour outside he could see the happiness The Rogues brought to these people and the support they felt by even the smallest act of Louis picking up this flag.

 And Louis felt shaky as he sang the words in the song because he knew what these words meant to some people. “ _I’m sorry if I say I need you, but I don’t care, I’m not scared of love.”_ Louis wasn’t going to let himself tear up at this but he was close. It wasn’t just because he could be here for his fans but they were still here for him. They were here despite this baby bullshit, they were here despite Louis being painted as outright homophobic sometimes and they were here and they still supported him. Louis was changing the words to his own song. _“When I don’t have you I’m weaker, is that so wrong, is it so wrong,_ sing it with me!” Louis shouted.

  _“You make me strong.”_

The band joined in again and Louis wasn’t imagining how powerful they sounded. The fans were singing along with their heart in every word and Louis felt the same. This was what kept him going even through his darkest days. Some of these fans needed The Rogues, some even had The Rogues to thank for their lives and the feeling was totally mutual. Would Louis still be here if he didn’t have the fans pushing him along? The likelihood, chilling as it was, was no. He couldn’t let them down and they never let him down.

 As _Strong_ drew to an end Louis felt an urge to tell them all how much he appreciated them, how much he loved them and how much they meant to him but he didn’t have time to do that.

  _“When we don’t have you we’re weaker, is that so wrong, is it so wrong, you make us strong!”_

Later, when the band took their final bow in front of the crowd it felt different to how it usually felt. This show had felt more personal than it usually did, Louis felt like it stood for a lot more and especially since the baby news had dropped. Louis didn’t feel like a robot performing the same list of songs every night, he felt like a performer reaching out to his audience and giving them a piece of him in return for everything they did for him.

When they ran off stage Louis was pulled into Finn’s arms before he could even get his guitar off him, and then Will, and then Olly.

 “What’s going on?” He asked in surprise, they always hugged after shows but Louis was being smothered.

 “Louis’ back!” Olly smiled, squeezing Louis tightly. “You tonight were how you haven’t been for a long time; I’ve missed you like that on stage.”

 

 As they headed back to their hotel, thankfully the homophobic parade gone, Louis pulled out his phone and as usual checked his twitter.

 #TheRoguesMakeUsStrong was trending worldwide and every single angle of Louis waving the flag had been giffed, captioned, liked and retweeted. There was so much positivity in the tag and in Louis’ mentions and Louis needed to show them all he was scrolling, that he could see them and he appreciated it.

_@Louis_Tomlinson: You make us strong_

 

 Louis reminding the fans they were loved and appreciated became a thing in every show during Strong. In almost every show something rainbow would be thrown onto the stage and Louis would take it, wave it around and feel closer to the fans. More and more posters of thanks would pop up, more and more tweets came to Louis thanking him for what he’d done and after almost every show there would be a trend regarding one of the antics Louis had done or something he’d said.

 And the fans noticed the change in Louis as well. They pondered about whether some of Jones’ restrictions on Louis had been lifted, others thought Louis having a baby was behind the new lease of life and some didn’t speculate about why but were just glad because it seemed like the old Louis was back.

 Louis and Olly were playing Fifa one night while the tour bus was taking them to a new place when Louis asked Olly something that had been bothering him.

 “When did I disappear?” Louis pondered, although he had a fair idea.

“Well- when Adeline got diagnosed.” Olly shrugged and Louis nodded, he’d thought that much. “And at the Brits you were almost back, I thought you’d be back then but Harry fucked you over and- but you’re back now and that is what really matters. Actually, what changed Louis?”

 “I’m not sure exactly but I sort of realised I’ve got nothing to lose.”

“Yeah?”

 “Well I was always scared that Jones would kick me out of the band but I’m pretty sure that can’t happen without our fans and our team waging some kind of war with Jones and- well if I do something very publicly gay and then am kicked out of the band Jones is basically exposing what a homophobic crap he is.”

 Olly thought about what Louis had said and then nodded with a smile. “Yeah, you’re right. But what about Harry?”

 “When I see him I’ll tell him the truth and see what he does with that.”

“Yeah?” Olly asked. “After all these months you’ve finally realised how simple it is. Well done Louis.” Olly clapped him on the back and Louis sighed.

 “I’ve been an idiot.”

“With good reason. I can see why you got all gooey over Harry, he’s a nice guy and objectively speaking he’s hot.”

 “He’s gorgeous.” Louis nodded. “And I’ve been a dick towards him. He told me that he wanted me and we slept together, not like sex but like actually sleeping next to each other, and it was lovely and then something told me this was wrong. I thought of Jones and what he would do if he knew and when Harry woke up I told him we couldn’t do this and we fought.”

 “How badly?”

“I’m not sure.” Louis sighed. “He told me I had my head up my arse which is fair enough and told me I pushed anyone close to me away.”

 “I think that’s fair enough too.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Louis nodded. “But then after all of that he told me that I wasn’t thinking straight and he knew this wasn’t me and when I realised what I really wanted he’d be waiting.”

 “Oh.”

“Yeah.” Louis nodded. “So I’m hopeful but we need to do a lot of talking.”

 “Talking hasn’t been your strong point this year Louis.” Olly reminded him.

“Well it will be different.” Louis told Olly confidently. “I know what I want, I’m not scared to tell the truth anymore.”

 “I’m happy for you.” Olly grinned. Then looked back to his phone screen and frowned. “Did you know White Eskimo have this gay bear as a mascot?”

 “Like a stuffed bear? How is a stuffed bear gay?”

“It’s rainbow and it’s dressed as Freddie Mercury.” Olly explained and showed Louis a photo on his phone. “They call it Rainbow Bondage Bear and it’s their way of communicating with the C.I.A fans they have. A stunt comes up with Kendall on a yacht, they’ll dress the bear as a sailor.”

 “Oh yeah?” Louis asked. “We could do that. I don’t think stuffed bears is against any of our contracts. Didn’t Amy have that little rainbow bear, the one we used to play hide and seek with?”

 “Yeah, does she still have that?”

“I never see her with it but if she’s still got it we could use that. I’ll ask Kerri.”

And so Sugar Baby Bear was born.

 When a baby related stunt was coming up the bear had a baby bottle in its hand, when Louis was going to be sent on a date with Cara to an ice cream parlour it was holding an ice cream cone. The fans loved it (some doubted it and claimed it was a lighting guy) and Louis once again felt closer to the fans, like he was actually talking to them.

 

 The next day was when something really golden happened. Someone, some crazy fan out there who Louis wanted to kiss right now, had thrown a doll onto the stage and Louis noticed it right at the end of the show before No Control.

 “Oh ‘ello,” he said into his microphone when he saw it. “Olly look, someone’s thrown a baby onto the stage!”

 “A baby?” Olly asked with a slight look of concern. “Is it real?”

Louis picked it up by its toe and dangled it upside down, not attempting to even make it look like a real baby. “No it’s not Ol, the baby is fake, it’s a fake baby!”

 “The baby is fake?” Olly double checked and Louis nodded with a smug smirk on his face.

“Yes, it’s not a real baby at all.” And then Louis through it off stage again, hoping that the fans would take what he’d just told them and maybe put two and two together.

They did.

#TheBabyIsFake was trending on twitter when Louis got back to his hotel room and there was no doubt among most of the fans that he’d said those words on purpose with the current situation.

 There was only one thing that didn’t sit happy with Louis and that was the lack of contact from Simon Jones ever since the rainbow flag incident. He’d asked Kerri and Heidi if there had been anything from him but both had shaken their head and carried on with whatever other work they were doing. It felt like a calm before the storm and it was scary.

 There were still articles about Briana going out, photos of her visiting doctor’s surgeries and shops with a ‘small bump’ except she wasn’t pregnant and it was all a joke. Some of the photos were badly photoshopped, others just relying on angles and shadows to give the illusion of a pregnancy but it was all seen straight through.

 The calm carried on for five more shows. Louis sang, he was flamboyant and Louis was an advocate for equal love. He tweeted fans, answered their questions and even publicised his Snapchat so that he could communicate with fans that way.

 He let them see him playing with Amy, he let them see him singing in the car with the band and he let them see the banter they had at sound-check. They felt like a real band again instead of some of Jones’ puppets and it was so liberating.

 Louis knew it was only a matter of time before it all came crashing down.

“Jones flew to us last night.” Heidi warned Louis as they queued to get their food. “He wants to talk with you and I saw him skulking around earlier. He’ll probably do it before the show so be warned.”

 “Is he mad at me?” Louis asked, not scared of what could happen.

“He’s keeping a poker-face.”

 “Good to know.” Louis nodded and went to sit with some of the tech team to chat with them.

Then Jones walked in and all of the happy chatter hushed. He scanned the room and his eyes fell on Louis with a grimace.

 “Good luck Louis.” David muttered.

“Yeah, he was shouting at Kerri about something earlier.” Paul added and then the two of them rose to give Jones and Louis their space.

Jones sat down in front of Louis and let out a big sigh.

 “What do you want?” Louis asked, done with being polite or professional. “Are you going to tell me to stop waving flags around and throwing babies off stage and instead pay attention to the fake pregnant girl I apparently hooked up with once?”

 Jones jutted his jaw and his eyes narrowed. “You know you’re not supposed to be doing what you’re doing.”

 “And you know you’re not supposed to closet celebrities and manipulate teenage boys into five year contracts that’ll exploit their talents and not give them what they deserve back, yet here we both are.” Louis replied coolly. “What are you going to do Jones? Fire me?”

Louis knew he was maybe being too cocky but they were in the middle of a sold out tour, Louis was safe until that ended and even then there would be an album out that Louis had heavily contributed to.

 “I’m prepared to strike a deal with you.” Jones told Louis. “It’s clear you’re not going to play by the rules so I’m prepared to make a compromise.”

 “I want every detail before I even consider accepting it.” Louis shook his head. He wasn’t going to be tricked into anything, he wasn’t going to get stuck in a hole again.

 “The Rogues popularity has gone up. You’re trending more on twitter and we’ve had more demand to put on more shows than we’ve had since your career peaked in 2013 and I’m prepared to accept that that is because you’re being pro-LGBT+ and being happier when performing.” Louis stayed silent, Jones for maybe the first time ever was making sense. “However your success is down to you, when you were younger, being attractive and available for girls to picture themselves with. That is how the industry has worked and that is how it will always work.” Louis begged to differ. “I am not risking my last six months with you putting that all down the drain with you coming out. You will continue to date Cara, tweet her sometimes and maybe attend a fashion event with her and you will behave about this baby. Careful planning has gone into this and it is not being thrown away like that doll was. You’ve stopped messing around with Harry, great, but you’re still misbehaving and you are not going to become a loose cannon. You wave rainbows around during shows, you tell everyone how loved they are but you remain straight and involved in this love triangle between the model who is your long-time crush and the love of your life, and the mother of your baby. Do you think you can do that?”

 Louis thought about it carefully. “I think I can.”

“Good. You have Kerri to thank, she collected a lot of figures and data to make me change my mind about having you under twenty-four-hour surveillance to make sure you behaved.”

 “Kerri did this?” Louis asked.

“Yes. She’s with Amy in your dressing room trying to work. Take her some food and relieve her of her daughter, Amy is getting cabin fever I think.”

 Louis stared at Jones in disbelief. Was he acting like a human?

Louis got up and grabbed a plate, filling it with everything Kerri liked and then hunted her down. She was indeed where Jones had said and Amy was climbing all over her while moaning about wanting to go on her scooter.

 Louis swooped in and planted a kiss on Kerri’s cheek before lifting Amy off her and sitting her on his hip.

 “What was that for Louis?” Kerri asked in surprise.

“For talking some sense into Jones. I’ll take Amy to play with her scooter and let you work.”

 “Thank you.” Kerri smiled. “Amy, behave for Lou, yeah?”

“Yes.” Amy nodded and then hugged Louis. “Can we scooter down the really long corridor?”

 “Of course we can.” Louis nodded.

And so things stayed good. Louis went to sleep that night feeling like he was in some sort of dream. He could keep doing what he was doing with only small repercussions. For what felt like the first time this year, something was going right.

 

 Will’s wedding was in a village an hour’s drive away from London which meant the band got two weeks off tour in the UK while Heidi and Will had their honeymoon. They finished a show in America before climbing onto a plane and settling down for a long flight home.

 Amy stayed up to play with them for an hour, excited about seeing her house and all of the dolls she had to leave behind again and the boys humoured her, helping her with puzzles and making up little stories. Then Kerri declared it was Amy’s bedtime and took her away so she could sleep and it was then when Will leant in to Louis.

 “There’s something I didn’t tell you about the wedding Lou.”

“Oh yeah?” Louis frowned. What could Will only be breaking to him now?

“Well I invited Liam to the wedding because he’s a good friend and I know Niall’s coming with Olly and I felt bad if only half of White Eskimo were there. Zayn is going to be Liam’s plus one naturally and- well that would make it three out of four.” Louis knew where Will was going with this and wasn’t bothered at all. “I didn’t want to invite him at first Louis because of everything he put you through but I’ve spoken to him and I think we can all agree whatever has gone on is a joint effort of both of you fucking it up.” Louis nodded: that was very true. “Harry’s going to be at the wedding Louis, I just wanted to see if you were okay with that.”

 “It’s fine Will, don’t worry.” Louis waved off. “I won’t start a fight or anything. It’ll be okay.”

“Sure?”

 “Yes.” Louis nodded. “I’m in a better place now, I can actually make coherent thoughts.”

“It’s good to know and I’m pleased you’re back.”

 “Me too.” Louis grinned.

When the plane landed, they headed to Finn and Louis’ flat first for a drink and some food before Will, Heidi and Olly all headed back home to undoubtedly sleep. James came over only five minutes after they all got home and Louis watched with only a hint of longing at the way James’ face lit up when Finn pulled him in for the first kiss in a long time.

 Olly saw him and nudged Louis. “You’re going to sort it out with Harry, I know you will, and it won’t be long until Harry’s free too. White Eskimo announced that they too were taking a break next year and our joint fandoms are currently in meltdown.”

 “I don’t know how long is left anymore Olly.” Louis sighed. “I lost track of the days.”

“That’s alright Lou, less than six months until the end of the year now. We’re over halfway through this year now, not long at all.”

 “Thanks Ol.” Louis smiled. “What are you going to do in our break?”

“I was thinking of becoming one of those mad cat ladies.” Louis rolled his eyes at his crazy friend. “Hey, I’m serious Lou! My sister is going to move to Ireland for work so I’m going to look after her cat Mozzy while she’s away. I’m going to be a mad cat lady!”

 “Is this you coming out to me as trans because I will back you all the way. I think you’d suit the name Olivia.”

 “I’m not trans although my Mum would have called me Olivia if I had been a girl.” Olly explained. “I’ll be a mad cat man then, is that better for you?”

 “You can be whatever gender you want to be Olly; I will still love you.” Louis mockingly held Olly’s hand and Olly clutched at his heart, laughing.

“If I was remotely interested in having sex with and marrying men I would probably melt into those words but as it happens I’m not.”

 “You could marry Niall as a friend.” Louis suggested.

“That’s not how marriage works Lou.”

 “But what is marriage really, Olly? It’s a certificate and if you believe in God then you have his blessing to have sex.”

 “Niall likes straight sex and is already in a complicated relationship with Jade. I wouldn’t want to get involved with that.”

 “Complicated?” Louis frowned, he vaguely remembered Olly telling him about this a while ago.

“They have sex. She loves him, he sees her as a friend, they keep hurting each other and it’s fucked up.”

 “Sounds familiar.” Louis chuckled.

“Hey, did I tell you that Niall gave me two tickets to that random show White Eskimo are putting on at the O2 tomorrow? Will will be getting ready for the wedding and Finn will be helping because he’s best man- do you want to come with me?”

 “I dunno Ol, last time I went to a White Eskimo concert I sort of fell in love with their lead singer, got in quite a lot of trouble, became a Dad and got quite depressed.”

 “Yeah okay, I take your point.” Olly sighed. “I suppose I could take my sister, she’ll be heading into town tomorrow but she’s not a massive fan of theirs, much more into grunge stuff.”

 “Hey, I never said I wasn’t coming. It was quite fun, maybe this time I’ll hit on Zayn and see where that gets me.”

 “Probably a punch in the face from Liam,” Olly chuckled, “but you really want to come?”

 Louis considered Olly’s offer and remembered what he’d promised himself. He had nothing to lose.

 “Yeah, what’s the worst that could happen?”

Olly grinned. “I can’t wait.”

Louis and Olly were too late to the show to hang out backstage before the show and instead were ushered straight to the VIP box as the lights began to dip and the screams started. White Eskimo were playing all of their songs off of their recently released album before their tour started in October and apparently tickets had been like gold dust.

 Perrie and Jade from Little Mix were both also in the VIP box, Perrie being Zayn’s fake girlfriend, Jade being Niall’s on and off friend with benefits and the four of them found themselves dancing away and laughing all through the show together. Louis didn’t know many of the songs since he hadn’t listened to their album but he knew the hits they peppered in between the new songs and a few from the ones Olly sang in the shower.

 Olly had excitedly pointed RBB sat next to the stage, lit up for everyone to see and Louis smiled when he saw the bear was wearing a wedding dress. The band would be at Will’s wedding in two days, whether that was allowed to be publicised or not.

 It was nearing the end of the show when Harry surprised the crowd. The other three had disappeared from the stage and Harry was stood alone in the middle, a single spot light on him and his long hair.

 “This is a new song that no one has heard yet. It’s not on the album but will be the b-side to our next single End Of The Day. I’m going to perform this alone right now because it’s very close but as the b-side it’ll be a full band performance.” Harry took a moment to have a drink before moving closer to the microphone again.

“A very long time ago in a distant month called February,” Harry started telling the crowd, “someone I cared about a lot went and kissed somebody else and that upset me but we talked about it and I forgave them. Then, only a few months later they went and spent the night with some other people and it was one of those situations where we weren’t together but it still hurt me because I still cared. I write about real life experiences so I went into the recording studio with a man who is a friend of mine called Matty Healey and we wrote a song together. Now this is just me, the others have gone to get a cup of tea but I need a piano player so I am introducing you all to John who plays our keys every once in a while.”

 “See, we’re a better band, you play the keys for us and we don’t need an extra man.” Olly leant in a told Louis who chuckled softly. Underneath his smile however, he was nervous. He’d done the maths in his head and February had been the Brit awards and the infamous after party had occurred when they’d argued and then Louis had kissed someone else and then they had talked and a few months later Louis had slept with Jack and then Cara.

 “This song is called _Somebody_ _Else._ ” Harry told everyone and looked at John to begin playing.

_“So I heard you found somebody else. And at first I thought it was a lie. I took all my things that make sounds, the rest I can do without.”_ Louis could tell by Harry’s tone that this song was close to him. Maybe it was because he was a fellow performer but there was a way Harry’s mouth was forming the words, a way Harry’s face was screwing up as he sung the raw emotion that couldn’t be faked.

_“I don't want your body but I hate to think about you with somebody else.”_ Harry sang. “ _Our love has gone cold; you're intertwining your soul with somebody else.”_ Louis had been with Jack twice and maybe Harry thought they’d been dating, he’d certainly believed that Louis and Cara had had something going on.

_“I'm looking through you while you're looking through your phone and then leaving with somebody else.”_ The BBMA’s with Cara.

_“No, I don't want your body but I'm picturing your body with somebody else.”_

The pace sped up as Harry moved on into the next chorus, the crowd were all watching in awe at this new song. “ _Come on baby, this ain't the last time that I'll see your face.”_

_“Come on baby, you said you'd find someone to take my place.”_

_“Oh I just don't believe that you have got it in you ‘cause we are just gonna keep "doin' it" and everytime I start to believe in anything you're saying I'm reminded that I should be getting over it.”_ Louis and Harry kept seeing each other, had kissed again and when Louis had reminded Harry they weren’t together and had never been he’d looked heartbroken. Harry moved back into the chorus while Louis watched Harry’s performance. This meant something to Harry. This song was close to his heart and Louis could believe he’d made Harry feel this way.

_“Get someone you love? Get someone you need? Fuck that, get money. I can't give you my soul because we're never alone.”_

The crowd were loving it and Harry was in his element as he finished off the song. As the song finished Louis was sure his eyes found the VIP box, maybe searching for Louis. Louis had no idea if Harry could see him but he looked back, hoping Harry could.

 The rest of the band came back on when the song finished and they immediately launched into End of the Day. Harry found a rainbow flag and paraded up and down with it in a similar style to Louis and Louis let himself enjoy the show, not thinking of what Harry had sung.

 And then Louis and Olly went backstage after the show and found themselves invited to a party at Liam and Zayn’s house. Louis didn’t speak to Harry, he caught eyes with him a few times and there was something inside him that fluttered when Harry looked back but neither made the move to talk.

 Zayn and Liam knew how to throw a party. Louis did shots with Perrie, found himself sharing a spliff with Zayn and when someone went to wrap an arm around his waist he slapped them away, thinking of Harry.

 Except it was Harry.

“We shouldn’t be doing this.” Louis warned as Harry pushed their bodies together.

 “Do you want to?”

“Yes.”

 “Then why shouldn’t we?”

It was a good question and Louis knew there was an answer somewhere in his brain. He found it.

 “Because we’re both drunk. If we’re going to sort this out then we need to be sober and not very drunk.” Harry retracted his hands reluctantly.

 “Well when are you not going to be drunk? When can we sort this out?”

“When I see you at the wedding.” Louis decided. Why not put a date on Heidi and Will’s date?

 “Everyone gets drunk at weddings.” Harry shook his head.

“Then after the wedding, we’re all booked into the hotel right?”

 “Yes.” Harry nodded. “I’ll see you at the wedding then?”

“Yes.” Louis nodded. “Good night Harry.”

 “Good night Louis.” Harry returned and squeezed Louis’ arm before disappearing into the crowd.

Louis thought about that squeeze for the rest of the evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Mira for being my beta, I'm forever thankful <3
> 
> You can find me @written-with-no-end on tumblr and I am always happy to receive asks and messages!!
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated so don't hesitate to leave them and if you could share this fic then please do :)
> 
> Thank you for reading, I love you all xxx


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it guys :)

Louis found an empty hall with a piano at one end of it and made his way over. He was careful to check that there was no one hidden in a corner like a hopeful paparazzi or a crazed fan. It was generous of Will and Heidi to check all of their guests into the hotel they were getting married at for the whole weekend but Louis needed to get out or at least get his mind on something else. The piano was a welcome relief.

 The Rogues were in the middle of a tour and every other night Louis had put his guitar down and taken his seat at the piano and played out the songs that were ingrained into his mind but now he had the chance to play something new. He knew lots of songs, had written lots and now was the perfect opportunity to do what he wanted.

 Louis hit a few random chords but realised with a pang of sadness that he had nothing to play. Nothing came to mind and he was just pressing random keys with the hope of something good coming out – there was nothing.

 Louis was distracted by a certain White Eskimo singer. He was lurking in the hotel somewhere but Louis refused to hunt him down, refused to make the first move. He was being an idiot again, he knew that much, but he needed to calm himself before he did anything and playing the piano was calming.

 So Louis did what Louis did best. He played a D chord, then an A chord, then an F#m and finally an E chord, then he repeated them and began singing.

 “If I don’t say this now, I will surely break,”

Louis had once cried when he performed this song but it didn’t do it anymore. Performing the same song that had once been so close to his heart again and again had made it alien and Louis stopped, afraid of distancing himself from the song even more.

 An old song came to his mind, one that he had written for Alex, or maybe it was even Aiden. They Don’t Know About Us had been such an obvious song, a cry for help from Louis that he was dating someone no one knew about but even that song didn’t feel like his anymore. He played out the introduction but didn’t play anymore, he was drained and tired and what he’d thought would be a welcome break was really just making him even more frustrated.

 A door at the other end of the hall opened and Louis looked up, failing to place the face of the short haired figure.

 “Louis, oh.”

“Harry?”

 “Yeah,” Harry’s voice echoed throughout the empty hall and Louis realised only now that this was the room Heidi and Will would be getting married in tomorrow. “I didn’t realise it was you playing the piano, I thought it might be Liam.”

 “I can go if you like.” Louis offered, putting his last encounter with Harry to the back of his mind and focussing on his loss of hair. Where the fuck had his curls gone? Since when had Harry had ears?

“No- well...” Harry stepped into the hall and began making his way to the piano where Louis was. “I was writing a song on the guitar but it needs a piano to do it justice, only, I can’t play the piano at all. My fingers just don’t- I can’t.”

 “You said at the concert you couldn’t play the piano.” Louis reminded Harry gently. “Where did your hair go?”

Harry just shrugged. “I donated it to charity. It’s weird having short hair again but I’ve only had it for a day. I’m sure I’ll get used to it eventually, and I’m going to grow it back. Anyway, can you please play the piano for me, if I tell you what to do?” Harry asked and Louis nodded, he had nothing better to do; maybe he needed someone to take control to calm him. Harry pulled up a chair next to Louis at the piano and pulled a sheet of paper and pencil out of his pocket, and then his phone. He opened up the voice recorder and set it on the piano; recording yourself as you wrote was a classic writing habit.

 “What do you want me to play?” Louis asked.

“A repeated F chord.” Harry instructed. “Slowly because it’s an emotional song.”

 “Are you going to sing or-,”

“I’ll hum.” Harry interrupted. Louis nodded and began, playing the F over again and listening as Harry hummed quietly, pencilling something down as he did. “Wait-,” he stopped Louis. “At this point could you play like a quick Bb, A, G, F, C.” He asked. “On each note I sing?” Louis tried the next time round but Harry frowned so he stopped.

 “Like this,” Harry came closer to the piano and leaned around Louis who blushed at the faint contact. He pressed down the wrong notes but Louis got what he meant and waited until Harry had moved away before playing again. This time he didn’t get there, something not clicking in his brain.

 “Surely I should play an A minor? Otherwise it’s in a different key and won’t sound right.”

 Harry looked to Louis and then down at his piece of paper. “Ur-, yeah, you’re right.” He nodded. “And then do that twice, I guess.”

 “You guess or you want? It’s your song.”

Harry smiled slightly. “Yeah, play it twice.”

 And that’s how it went. Harry muttering small instructions and Louis playing along, listening to Harry’s humming and wondering what words were going down. Louis learnt the melody that Harry kept humming, he learnt the general structure of the song and he could see that whatever words Harry was putting down were making him emotional.

 “Can we go from the top?” Harry asked eventually, scribbling a large portion of what he’d written out.  Louis nodded and played the F chord again, waiting for Harry to start humming after fours bars. Instead Harry started to sing.

 “ _If I could fly... I’d be coming right back home to you. I think I might.... give up everything, just ask me to_.” Louis glanced up at Harry who was staring hard back at him. They both started when they made eye contact and looked away immediately, both carrying on.

 “ _Pay attention, I hope that you listen, ‘cause I let my guard down. Right now I’m completely defenceless_.”

 The words were getting to Louis in a way only song lyrics could. “ _For your eyes only, I showed you my heart, for when you’re lonely and forget who you are, I’m missing half of me, when we’re apart and now you know me, for your eyes only_.”

 Louis continued playing, expecting a second verse as well, just as heart felt, but Harry shook his head. “I don’t have any more.”

 But Louis did. He kept on playing.

“ _I’ve got scars, even though they can’t always be seen_.” This was coming from his heart now. “ _And pain gets hard, but when you’re here I don’t feel a thing_.” Harry was watching Louis; Louis could feel his eyes burning a hole in Louis’ skin but Louis refused to look back. Harry began to sing again.

 “ _Pay attention I hope that you listen if I let my guard down, right now I’m completely defenceless_.”

“ _For your eyes only, I showed you my heart.”_ Louis found himself joining in. _“For when you’re lonely, and forget who you are, I’m missing half of me, when we’re apart, now you know me, for your eyes only.”_

Louis dared to look at Harry and saw him staring right at him as he sang the bridge, singing to Louis. “ _I can feel your heart inside of mine, I’ve been going out of my mind, I know that I’m just wasting time but I hope that you don’t run from me_.”

Louis’ mouth went dry as Harry carried on singing, not realising the affect those words had had. Harry knew that Louis was good at running because Louis had run right after 5 Seconds of Summer, he’d run after that shitty panel show and he’d run after they’d been together in that hotel room, not even staying for another hour in case Harry came to find him again.

 And Harry was still singing and looking at him and he didn’t want Louis to run because he wanted Louis here with him. Harry was still trying, still hoping that maybe this time Louis would stay. It was too much.

 Louis couldn’t stand it any longer, he needed space. He rose from his seat leaving Harry sat alone and ran to the door. He heard Harry shout after him but ignored it and found a toilet to lock himself in.

 They needed to talk for fuck’s sake and there was nothing else Harry could possibly say to make himself any clearer. Louis needed time and Louis needed to get used to the fact that this was real and he was moving on. If he did this then Harry would get know him on a deep and personal level, way deeper than what they were now. Louis needed to tell Harry about him, about his history, about why he was so fucked up this past year and be prepared for Harry to act on that.

 Harry would either run or stick around and Louis wasn’t sure how he would cope with rejection.

Louis sat in that cubicle for well over an hour, phone turned off, just turning over what to say to Harry. There was something big that he needed to say out loud and just get off his chest but he’d never said it before and knew vocalising the words would break him.

 He hoped so dearly that Harry wouldn’t run, wanted so much for Harry to offer open arms and reassure Louis that they could fix it but there was that doubt, that niggling doubt that Harry would fuck it up. He could react badly or do that thing when he lied and Louis needed to prepare for that. Louis needed to prepare for the plain fact that Harry was young, Harry was impulsive and Harry didn’t really know Louis enough to be so sure on how he felt. Harry said he’d be there no matter what but Louis couldn’t trust him fully no matter how hard he tried.

 When Louis had grown sick of the disinfectant smell he vacated the toilet and headed to his hotel room, locking the door firmly behind him and sitting to stare at his suit that was hung on the back of the door. He should be happy. One of his best mates was getting married to the love of his life, the only woman he’d ever loved, and it was going to be a beautiful day.

 There was something about this weekend that Louis had been repressing though and it was wearing him down. If he’d told Will and Heidi, explained what this weekend meant to him then they would have easily changed the date and been there for him throughout it all but he didn’t want to rain on their parade.

 Louis’ suit was navy blue and had been professionally fitted as a possible BBMA’s outfit but instead it was going to be worn today. Louis ran his fingers over the fabric, feeling it and imagining how differently this weekend could go if Adeline hadn’t passed away.

 A million different images flew through his head as he opened up that part of his brain and it hurt so much that she wasn’t here beside him right now, reassuring him that Will would still be good fun on tour once he was a married man.

 Louis had to stop thinking like this. He had to stop living in a world of ‘what if Ada was still here’.

He bought himself back to the present and found his suitcase in the corner instead. Tucked into the corner was Adeline’s old copy of the first Harry Potter book and in it was what Louis was now looking for. In between the pages of the story where James and Lily’s death was recounted was where the picture was hidden. Louis took a deep breath and reached for it, not having looked at it since the day of Adeline’s funeral. He’d told himself he wouldn’t, determined on not holding onto the past but he’d kept it safe all the same.

 He extracted the photo from between the yellowing pages and turned it over, pressing his lips together as he did.

 It was a black and white ultrasound photo of a shape no more detailed than a white smudge but Louis clutched it with shaking hands.

 In loopy handwriting beneath the image was printed: _Baby Tomlinson, 8 weeks._

A salty teardrop landed on the photo and Louis cast it aside, wiping his eyes and wishing himself to get his shit together. He was a grown man, he could deal with this with dignity and a stone cold poker face surely.

 When his body had stopped shaking, his mind stop racing with the ‘what ifs’ and the tears had stopped flowing he carefully placed the image back into the copy of the book and tucked it back into the corner of his suitcase, burying it in underwear.

 It was dinner time by now and Louis knew everyone would be eating in the restaurant attached to the hotel so he grabbed his phone and wallet and found a supermarket only a five-minute walk down the road.

 He had a missed call from Olly but also a text that said “We’re all eating now, come and join us if you’re up to it.” There was a text from Finn that simply read “doikhuej0i32” (one of his many accidental texts) and a text from Harry that read “I’m still waiting Louis. I just want you to know that. X”

 Why had he run? The fact that Louis had walked away was still bothering him when he went out to get food that evening. He was going to eat alone in his room, not feeling up to seeing anyone right now. He put on a pair of sunglasses and went out to the closest shop, walking down the street and watching everyone who passed him by.

What did they think of him? Did they think he was a coward for running? Did they think he should have tried harder?

 Louis reminded himself that they didn’t know anything and weren’t judging him at all.

But Harry probably was.

 They had said they would sort this, they had said that they would figure it out and yet here Louis was doing what he did best. He thought he’d changed but he’d obviously thought wrong.

 Louis scanned the shelves for a pot noodle and eventually settled for a Sweet’n’Sour one and a large packet of Chilli Heat Wave Doritos. It was when he was waiting to pay in the queue that he felt a gentle tap on his shoulder and heard a familiar deep voice.

 “I’m sorry if I scared you earlier.”

 Louis turned around slowly, not even startled. He looked at Harry and his newly cut hair and this time Louis wasn’t going to run; he knew that much.

 “And I’m sorry for disappearing.” Louis told him. He didn’t know what else to say, or worse, he did and didn’t know how to say it. “That song hit close to home and-,”

 “Yeah, some of those lyrics were intense. Let’s not talk about it.” Harry shook his head and Louis frowned.

“No we should talk!” He told Harry. “We haven’t spoken nearly enough about what’s happening here, talking’s the only thing we need to do.”

 “No.” Harry shook his head. “I meant we’re not talking about it here in this queue. After the wedding, we have a free day in this hotel right? And then I think we both have a week in the UK not really doing anything.” Louis nodded. “Well we’ll talk then. We’ll talk and work it out but for the moment I just want to make sure there’s no bitterness. I- can we be friendly for the moment?” Maybe being friendly was a good idea right now.

 “Yes.” Louis nodded and eyed up Harry’s own dinner of a bag of salad, a banana and a health smoothie. Louis looked back to his own dinner and failed to understand how Harry could stand the bag of leaves and the smoothie with everything but flavour and sugar. “Have you always been a health freak?” He asked, trying to remember if Harry had insisted on salad over actual food any other time.

 “I’m not a health freak.” Harry frowned, “I just ate a lot of shit recently and am trying to cleanse.”

Louis wondered if maybe Harry had eaten a lot of food as a comfort after Louis had fucked things up over and over again – if so it was the opposite to what Louis did when he just didn’t eat. The two of them were a right pair.

 “Olly and Niall are going to the pool at eight.” Harry told Louis conversationally, “I was going to join them.”

 Was this an invitation? Louis supposed it wouldn’t really be a date if Olly and Niall were there as well and Harry had said himself this weekend they would be friendly.

 “I might join you as well then.” Louis considered. “Depends how up to swimming I feel after eating all of this crap.”

 It turned out that Louis did feel up for swimming after eating all of that crap. Or he felt up to seeing Harry in a pair of swimming trunks.

Louis approached the pool carefully, glancing through the glass in the door before entering the room. Like Harry had said it was only him, Olly and Niall and they all greeted Louis happily, although Louis didn’t fail to notice a glance shared by Olly and Niall to each other who then both looked to Harry for the briefest moment.

 Louis understood that look, he understood why they were maybe confused but he and Harry were going to be friendly and that was fine.

 “Strip off then Tommo!” Niall cackled as Louis waited by the pools edge with his t-shirt still on and a towel flung over his shoulder. Louis couldn’t think of a sassy remark to shout back at the Irish lad so placed his towel on the bench, pulled off his t-shirt so he was only in his bright red trunks and then when he heard a wolf-whistle he jumped in right next to Niall, filling his laughing mouth with pool water.

 Olly was in his favourite purple trunks, Niall was in navy blue ones and Harry was in this small yellow pair that Louis’ eyes could not help being drawn to. He was still so ridiculously attracted to Harry it was embarrassing, he even found himself watching with adoration when Harry wiped water out of his eyes with a little frown. The smallest action made Louis’ heart ache.

 And then they spent an hour splashing, swimming, playing stupid pool games and singing. On the odd occasion Louis would catch Harry’s eyes watching closely or catch himself blushing at the briefest touch but it was happy and fun. At one point Olly climbed onto Harry’s back in a bid to take him down and grab the ball he’d found and the four had ended up wrestling for it until they’d realised that in the commotion the ball had floated to the other end of the pool.

 And then they’d organised a proper game of handball and Louis and Harry had been teamed together. They’d shouted, laughed and groaned together when Olly scored against them and then when Louis managed to push Harry’s shot into the makeshift goal past Niall they’d hugged tightly, too lost in the game to remember their months full of angst. 

 When they climbed out of the pool, exhausted and soaking wet, Louis had completely forgotten about the running and the tears from earlier. He was with three brilliant and happy people whose mood was infectious.

They made their way up from the pool to their floor together and then the time came to head in opposite directions. Louis and Olly’s rooms were at the back of the hotel, looking out over the marquee and sloping grounds while Niall and Harry both had a view of the walled garden to the left of the hotel.

“Good night Louis.” Harry smiled shyly while Olly and Niall discussed what they were wearing tomorrow. Olly hated talking about clothes and Louis suspected it was to give Louis and Harry a bit of privacy so he decided to take full advantage of it; apparently Harry was too. “Can we-,” Harry hesitated because he saw Louis frown.

 Was Harry going to invite him back to his room? Was he going to ask if they could fuck again and then fuck it all up again?

Louis watched as Harry closed his mouth, shook his head and gave up with words all together, instead stooping down and pressing a soft kiss against Louis’ cheek, lingering for a few seconds close to Louis like he didn’t want to let go.

 “I like you a lot,” he murmured, taking Louis’ hand, “and I’m not messing around this time, I want to try properly with you, I want to be- I mean-,”

 “After the wedding we’ll talk.” Louis reminded but his heart was fluttering with Harry’s words. “We have fucked this up enough times and we need to have this talk alone and with all of the time in the world but- am I allowed to kiss you?” Louis tried. Harry nodded and leant down to press his lips against Louis’, his hand cupping the base of his neck. It was soft and warm and familiar and Louis didn’t want to pull away in case something else went wrong, in case one of them did something stupid yet again and there were more months on end of hurt and loss.

 But they did pull apart, not completely but enough so Louis could tell Harry he was scared. “I don’t want to lose you again Harry.” He told him, “I- We need to talk properly but I- I need you. It hurts how much I need you but it hurts even more because I keep pushing you away before I can help myself.”

 “I need you too.” Harry nodded and then turned to Olly and Niall who were watching with wide eyes. Harry turned back to Louis with a pink flush in his cheeks. “After the wedding.” He nodded. “I’ll see you tomorrow Lou, have a good night.”

 “You too.” Louis smiled and kissed Harry one more time before turning to Olly and heading back to their rooms with him. Louis felt like skipping, like spinning around like a ballerina because Harry needed him but he stayed calm and composed, walking beside Olly. There were about five steps of awkward silence before:

 “So what the fuck is happening with you two?”

 Louis was quite impressed that Olly had stayed silent for that long

“We’re going to talk after the wedding.” Louis explained, “because fuck knows how much we’ve been hiding but- well you saw us kiss.”

 Olly nodded with a proud smile. “Niall was telling me earlier about how three years ago Harry wanted to meet you at The Brits, it sounds like he’s fancied you for a long time.”

 “Makes sense.” Louis reasoned.

“Apparently he dragged Niall along to our dressing room but chickened out before knocking. He’s always been a fan and when he saw you at their show in February he had a mini heart attack.”

 Louis listened carefully to Olly, trying to match Niall’s words to the actual events. He didn’t remember first seeing Harry at the White Eskimo concert unfortunately because it had all been a blur. What Louis did remember is Harry assuring security that Louis and Stan were welcome at their concert and he remembered vividly later when Harry had invited them to the party because of Louis’ charm.

_“With that charm you could get anywhere.” Harry told Louis with a knowing smile, his arm tightening around Louis’ shoulder._

_“Anywhere?” Louis challenged with a lick of his lips and Harry nodded with a relaxed smile._

_He leant in as it got louder, speaking right into Louis’ ear. “I’ve been told that I’m hard to please.”_

_“I reckon I can please you just right.” Louis told Harry this with confidence and a smile; he knew the affect he could have on some people and it appeared to work on Harry who pulled back with a smirk._

_“Come to our party and bring Stan.”_

_“Your party? Your end of tour one?”_

_“Yeah, you and Stan will be my special guests.”_

_“Special?” Louis asked with a quirk and Harry nodded, leaning in._

_“I know you’re not straight.” Louis heart sped up, anticipating something other than a party tonight – Harry’s body was very close to his._

_“And I know that you’re not straight either.” Louis replied. The expression on Harry’s face was easy to read: longing, however Harry was pulled away by Liam telling him they had to go._

_“I’ve invited Louis and Stan.” Harry told Liam who looked at Harry’s arm, still lingering around Louis and then back to Harry, maybe understanding something._

_“Okay then.”_

Olly was watching Louis remember all of this and smiled fondly. “You fell hard for him didn’t you?”

Louis nodded but this had all been said before and was no secret.

 “He fell hard for you too.”

Louis knew this as well and nodded. Harry had told Louis that clearly after the Billboard Awards and then walked out and Louis had watched dumbly and then hidden from it all at James Corden’s.

 Louis was brushing his teeth when there was a knock at the door. He spat and rinsed his brush and then headed to the door. It was most Will who was having night before blues or Olly wanting to gossip.

 Louis should have known by now that when there was a knock at a hotel door when he was in the same place as Harry Styles, it was going to be him.

 The last time Louis had opened a hotel door to Harry had been after the BBMAs and Harry had been really mad, jealous and confused.

 “I know we said not until after the wedding but I need to know something.” Harry said quickly. “If I wasn’t famous, if before the kiss you had no idea who I was, if I wasn’t some romanticised kid, would you have still wanted me?”

 Louis stopped to think for a moment.

If Louis had been in a bar with Stan and Harry, a complete stranger had come up and asked for a kiss and then they’d started hooking up with no clear boundaries set, would Louis’ heart be aching like it was for Harry right now? Yes.

 Yes, because it wasn’t the pop-star Harry that Louis had fallen for, it was the kind, trusting, charming Harry who had cuddled Louis when he needed it and was trying so hard to fix all of the mess he’d made.

 “I would have.” Louis nodded. “And I can’t put into words how much I wanted you back in February when I asked that question after we’d spent those days in your flat together and you’d been so sweet after the Brits mess. I- I felt like I really knew you and I wanted it so badly and I do again.”

 “Okay.” Harry nodded and then let out a deep breath. “I just needed to check something that had been bothering me.”

 “It’s okay.” Louis reassured him with a smile. “I have those doubts too.”

“A celebrity’s curse.” Harry cracked and Louis grinned. “Good night Lou.”

 “Good night again Harry.” Louis smiled and Harry kissed Louis on the forehead before heading back to his own room. Louis watched him leave with a wistful heart.

 

Louis could see Harry with an empty seat next to him. Finn was the best man and was stood at the front beside Will, telling him something quietly while Olly was sat beside his grandmother who was crying. It was very rare that Louis was reminded that Olly, Finn and Will were cousins and Louis wasn’t related but now at Will’s wedding full of their family members he felt quite out of place.

 Olly’s parents were both here, sat on the other side of him with his sister Lizzy. Will’s parents were sat next to them, Olly’s father and Will’s mother deep in conversation, they were brother and sister after all. Finn’s parents were sat on the row just behind them, Finn’s mother chatting to another family member or maybe a family friend.

 Louis knew them all. He’d been in a band with Finn, Olly and Will for five years and for the same amount of time had been told he was a part of their family but he didn’t feel like he was right now. They were all there with their inside jokes and childhood memories and there was Louis – an outsider. His mother wasn’t here and neither were his sisters or brother but there was Harry and he was someone. Harry had Niall and Liam to his left hand side and Niall and Liam were chuckling about something, Harry was watching Louis come ever closer to him.

 “Is this seat taken?” Louis asked quietly and Harry shook his head.

“No, you can sit there.”

 When Liam and Niall noticed Louis sitting down next to Harry the two of them fell silent but Harry ignored them, not breaking his gaze from Louis.

 “Are you okay?” Harry asked hopefully and Louis shook his head.

“I didn’t get enough sleep.” He sighed. “You?”

 “I rang my Mum.” Harry told Louis. “I was on the phone to her for well over an hour so I didn’t get to sleep until well past midnight. She was telling me about Gemma’s new boyfriend and Dusty’s bad paw and... just home stuff. It’s been a few months since I’ve been home and I needed to check everything was okay.”

 “I haven’t been back to Doncaster in over a year.” Louis told Harry sadly and Harry frowned at Louis.

“What did you do for Christmas?”

 “The boys and I went to France. I was in a bad place because I’d lost Adeline and... well I didn’t want to go home and take that sadness with me so the boys and I went skiing in France along with Heidi and James. I was meant to go home in February but we kissed and I had to do lots of straight promo instead.”

 “I’m sorry.” Harry apologised but it wasn’t his fault, Louis had agreed and wanted to kiss Harry as well. He told him that much and Harry smiled with a blush. “How come you didn’t sleep much last night?”

 “I went to sleep not long after you left but I had this dream that woke me at four in the morning and I never really went back to sleep.”

 “What was the dream about?” Harry asked curiously but Louis didn’t want to share it.

“Nothing really, just some weird things.” He dismissed. “It was just a dream, I’m alright now.”

Harry nodded and smiled and that was when Liam piped up. “Louis, you’re around all of next week aren’t you?”

 “Yes,” Louis nodded, “although I was planning on going up to Doncaster at one point. Why?”

“Zayn and I were going to throw a party next Friday night and were wondering if you’d like to come, bring Olly and Finn.”

 “Sure, I’ll check with them.” Louis smiled.

 Shortly afterwards the music began and Heidi made her way down the aisle. She was truly beautiful, her hair pulled back into some fancy up-do but in true Heidi fashion a few loose strands of hair hung and framed her face. Heidi never wore much make up but she’d put on a pretty pink lipstick and was smiling like a beaming sun. Louis looked up to Will and knew that when he turned around, when he saw what Heidi looked like, he would be so sure of his decision to marry her.

 It was when the pair of them smiled, said ‘I do’ and then kissed that Louis felt a hand in his own and a gentle squeeze. He looked to Harry and Harry smiled back down. A tiny action. A meaningful action.

 When the guests made their way out into the marquee they were met with stunning flower arrangements, a towering cake and a carefully thought out seating plan. Louis had been sat with Olly, two of Heidi’s cousins, one of Will’s best friends from school and some family friends of Heidi’s who were readily supplied with embarrassing stories as they ate their meal.

 Then came the speeches. Will had asked Olly and Louis if they wanted to make one as well but they had politely declined, happy to leave it up to Finn who was sure to make it a good one.

Finn had everything from the story of Will and Heidi’s first date (getting locked out of Heidi’s flat and having to sheepishly blow their cover of a secretive date when they turned up at Finn’s together), the songs Will had written about Heidi that she was never allowed to know were about her (No Control was a collaboration of Will and Louis’, enough said) and then went on to say how Heidi was a caring big sister to him and he was so glad that two people as kind and generous as them had found each other. Heidi and Will’s mothers hadn’t had dry eyes for most of the day but at this they both dissolved.

 And then Finn went on to thanking people and making special mentions for the people who couldn’t be there today.

“Will asked me to take a minute in this speech to make a toast to a special person.” Finn now said and Louis saw Olly glance at him. “A year and a half ago myself, Olly, Will and Louis placed bets on who would be the first to get married in the band. Louis bet that it would Will and Heidi; Olly, Will and I all bet that it would be Louis to Adeline however last November we sadly lost Adeline to cancer that began with a tumour on her lungs.” Finn turned to look at Louis and smiled sadly. “It seems wrong now to bring up the fact Louis won that bet because we don’t know what would have happened if Adeline was still with us. Will and Heidi wanted to dedicate a moment today to Adeline Compton, to the happy times we all shared with her and to what could have been. If we could all stand and make a toast?” Finn asked and the hall rose to their feet, Louis among them, not really making sense of what was going on. He’d built walls around this day, about what to not feel and Finn was breaking those walls. Finn was making Louis think too much about things he had said he wouldn’t think about. Olly placed a hand on Louis’ shoulder as they rose and from across the table Harry offered a supportive smile. “To Adeline.” Finn said, raising his flute of champagne and the rest of the hall repeated his words.

 “To Adeline.”

Louis didn’t say a word. He rose his glass but closed his eyes, remembering some of the private last words Adeline had said to him. He still wondered what would have happened if Adeline had never gotten the tumour. He wondered whether Adeline would have changed her mind about marriage any sooner and whether he and Adeline hadn’t been advised to terminate their creation what they’d be doing now. There were so many ‘what if’s surrounding her death and every night it teared Louis apart.

 “Lou, you can sit down now.” Olly murmured, hand returning to Louis’ shoulder. Louis opened his eyes and looked around, seeing that everyone else had sank back into their chair. He did as well, hoping none of them had noticed that he was also now shaking. “Are you okay?” Olly asked.

 “Yeah- just... remembering stuff.” Louis muttered and shook his hands, willing them to still. They wouldn’t.

 “Lou?” It was Harry’s voice this time, his green eyes watching with worry across the gap between their tables and Louis shook his head, unable to take it anymore. He rose from his seat and made his way to the door, walking blindly until he found himself in the grounds of the hotel, only a couple of steps away from a bench.

 Louis stumbled towards it and once he was seated he let himself cry, head in his shaking hands.

There was the sound of someone coming for him and Louis suspected it was Olly with the same comforting words as always and the same arm to go around Louis’ shoulders while he sobbed into Olly’s side.

 He needed something grounding. He didn’t know what he needed but he needed someone to remind him he was strong enough to go on, someone to remind him that he was still a person without Adeline by his side and that the ‘what ifs’ didn’t matter because Louis was never going to know the answers.

Someone came and sat tentatively to Louis’ right, their leg ever so slightly brushing against his own. Louis looked up from his hands to see Harry sat beside him, hand hovering, unsure whether to place it around Louis or not.

 It pained Louis to see Harry acting so awkwardly and hesitant so Louis leant into Harry’s side instead, resting his head onto Harry’s shoulder, a few tears still drifting on his cheeks.

 “You know I meant it.” Harry said quietly. “Yesterday when I said I’d give it all up if you asked me to.”

“What do you mean?” Louis asked, not fully understanding Harry.

 “I would leave the band if you needed me to be by your side.” Harry told Louis. “If you were struggling like I know you were, I wanted to leave and find you then.”

“It’s not that simple Harry.” Louis shook his head. “I meant it too. I have scars and yes, you help but it takes so little for them to open up again.”

 “How can I help if you refuse to tell me anything?” Harry asked and it wasn’t the first time he’d asked Louis to let him in.

 “I was going to.” Louis told Harry. “That night when I asked you if you’d taken me to see 5 Seconds of Summer because you liked me or PR, I was so ready for you to say it was because you liked me and I was so ready to tell you everything but you didn’t.” Louis shook as he recalled the following few nights after that soul shattering moment. “I was so ready but you asked if it was okay if we were just PR and... I felt so fucking worthless Harry.” Louis told him, pulling away from Harry’s body and turning his full body to face Harry on the bench. “I thought I’d imagined it all because I was so desperate for someone after losing Adeline or something like that and-,”

 “Lou-,” Harry interrupted but Louis shook his head, a few more tears leaking out.

“No, you need to hear this.” He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down but it was useless. “Harry, you don’t understand because you don’t know my full story. I have been in love four times now and have had four relationships taken from me and I sort of feel like giving up. I dated Hannah for eighteen months and I loved her. We were young, yes, and maybe we didn’t know what we were doing but I loved her and we knew every single detail about each other’s lives. She knew that I liked guys sometimes and she didn’t care and it was such a relief to know that someone could still love me with me being the way I was. There was an element of trust and understanding that I’d never had in a person before and it was amazing.” And then the fall. “I lost Hannah because we got into universities far from each other and didn’t try and keep it up. I still talk to her but for so long it was hard because we’d dreamed about getting married and having kids one day. I know a lot of people go through losing someone when they go to uni but it hit me really hard.”

 “And then at university I met Aiden. He was my first proper relationship with a guy and it went so well to begin with because we could be us and no one cared or hated us for it, no one that mattered anyway. And then Jones found out and he hated it. He hated it to the point where he made it physically impossible to ever see each other, he rescheduled everything so that it all clashed and we gave up. Aiden stayed at uni, I left for the band and I tried to be okay with it but it took so long before I could finally accept that Aiden and I weren’t going to be the couple I had once dreamed of.”

 “And then I met Alex and... Alex and I were on the complete same wavelength and used to... we were older by now and when we talked about future plans it was always... we planned them properly. We were going to move in together when both of our leases at our flats were up and... but then Alex got a modelling job offer in Australia and they asked me whether they should take it and I couldn’t say no and ruin their life. It was Alex’s dream of being a model and they were from Australia and they missed home so... I helped Alex pack and I saw them off at the airport and that was it. Whenever we talked after that it wasn’t making future plans anymore, it was just... like friends spoke and it was gone and it just felt so lonely.”

Louis took a deep breath. “And then Adeline and I drifted together. I don’t remember exactly when it started but suddenly it felt wrong to not be by her side and I went and I met her parents and we talked and it all worked out and I thought that would be it. I told Jones that I wanted Adeline and I to go public and he took one look at her and said no and I almost punched him, Olly had to hold me back. I told Jones then that I was going to marry Adeline one day and we’d have a family together and he wouldn’t be able to hide that and this was so early on, we’d barely been together a month but I was so sure of it. Adeline and I talked and I asked her whether she’d marry me, not like a proper proposal or anything but I’d heard her knocking the idea a couple of times because she thought having a day to ourselves would be self-indulgent and a piece of paper declaring our love wouldn’t make it any different. She told me I’d have to ask her another time if I wanted her to say yes but she did tell me then that she couldn’t ever see herself growing old with anyone else. Neither could I.”

And this is where Louis began to struggle.

 “And then I asked her whether she wanted kids and she said yes but she’d never wanted to be an old mum and jokily said we better get a move on so... we did. We were both ready to move in together and raise a family and we had house visits booked the day we found out she was pregnant. It was amazing. She had missed her period twice and we’d been so caught up in house searching and planning that she hadn’t realised which I couldn’t believe but – I don’t remember ever feeling happier than finding out I was going to become a Dad.” Louis had never told anyone this, not even his Mum. “And we were going to tell both of our parents that weekend,” he continued, “but then Adeline told me it’d been hurting sometimes when she breathed and that she didn’t feel right. She’d had a cough for a few weeks and then right when telling me this she coughed up blood and we were so scared that we went to A&E immediately and they sent us to this ward and no one was telling us anything and then she had some scans which we thought were for the baby but... they found a huge tumour on her lungs.” Louis didn’t want to remember that feeling of devastation but it haunted him every night and every time something bad happened.

 “What happened to the baby?” Harry asked quietly, speaking for the first time in a while.

“We aborted it.” Louis told him in a strangled voice. “A year ago today.” It felt strange saying it out loud after so long of silent tears and haunting nights. The lost life, the lost piece of them hadn’t even existed for a month and it was struck from the world. “We were told that the likelihood of it surviving were close to nothing anyway, especially with the treatment Ada was going to go through for the tumour so it was aborted the same morning and we never told anyone about it. Instead we went and told everyone that Adeline had cancer and it had been picked up late.”

 “And then not much later we were told that the cancer had progressed to loads of other parts of her body and there was a slim chance of the treatment working and even if it did it probably wouldn’t even buy her another year. I lost both of them so quickly and- and through losing the baby and finding out Adeline had cancer and Adeline’s death I had to pretend I was completely fine because I was meant to be happily dating Eleanor Calder and promoting singles and albums and touring and... it went from the happiest few weeks of my life to a couple of months of hell.”

 “I’m so sorry.” Harry murmured, sadness in his beautiful green eyes.

“It’s not your fault.” Louis shook his head. “But... then I met you after all of that and... it just felt right. I thought I maybe had a chance at happiness again but I was still full of all these fucked up feelings from losing Ada.”

 Louis couldn’t control the way his body shook as he remembered his final few moments with Adeline. Louis broke down into uncontrollable tears as the memories came back in tsunami of feelings. Memories of Adeline and Louis’ first night after the termination came back and they’d cried in each other’s arms and woken up the same way; the struggle Louis had had when Adeline had been told she wouldn’t make it until Christmas and Louis had written song after song to try and keep control of his feelings; the way Adeline had slowly deteriorated and Louis hadn’t been there when he should have been because he wasn’t allowed to leave the tour for her; the night he had seen her again and she’d looked like a ghost of her past self and Louis had had to leave the room because he wanted to stay strong for her and the last night; the last time the two had spoken and it had been just the two of them talking quietly, next to each other in the hospice bed waiting and hoping that they’d see the morning light together but when the sun had risen it was only Louis left.

 It was then that Adeline had told Louis that she would marry him. She’d never seen the point in marriage before because it had just seemed a silly concept but now she would do anything to be able to die as Louis’ wife and Louis had cried and cried because he didn’t care about marriage now, he was just glad that he had known Adeline and had loved her.

 The nurses had said she had been waiting. That she’d been holding on until she could see Louis again and that everyone had breathed a sigh of relief when Louis had returned to the hospice to see her because they’d been too scared Ada wouldn’t make it.

 Harry reached out and pulled Louis into his chest, silently holding Louis while he sobbed into Harry’s chest because for the first time in forever, someone knew.

 “I was so ready for a kid.” Louis sobbed. “And it was so close to happening and then Jones waltzed along and- and he fucking wanted me to fake a baby with this girl I don’t even know and...” Louis was beginning to hyperventilate as he finally got the boulders off of his chest. “He wanted me to fake a baby so soon after losing one and there were articles about Bri and I setting up a home together so soon after I had intended to do it with Adeline and all I’ve been thinking this entire time is that none of this would have happened if Ada and the baby had lived. If they were alive now then I might be free from all of the faking bullshit and today could have been our wedding day instead of Will and Heidi’s and people could have been toasting to our future with our kid in Ada’s Mum’s arms watching while we tied the knot but... but I’m still stuck in this fucking cycle and I feel so close to being free but something keeps stopping me and I’m scared. I got scared because I felt something with you and you didn’t seem to feel anything back and I was scared I was making it all up because I was desperate for what I’d had with Adeline so I didn’t fight for it. I’m scared now that you’re going to see how nothing ever works out for me and are going to leave and I’m scared I’m never going to get over any of these fucking heartbreaks because they still bother me, even after all of this time.”

 Everything was still so fucked up and still made no sense; Louis wished there was a rewind button so that he could return back to February and tell Harry he was falling for him, or rewind even further and tell Adeline to get screened back right at the start of their relationship, or maybe rewind even further and just never get into a contract with Simon Jones.

 “Louis, I love you.”

Harry looked right at Louis as he told him this and Louis didn’t understand why Harry was telling him this. Louis shook his head. “You don’t know what you’re saying.” He told Harry, “You can’t say that.”

“Yes I can.” Harry insisted. “I can’t promise I’ll be any good at this,” Harry started, “and I can’t promise that I can make you happier than Adeline did but,” Harry took a deep breath, “but I’m stupidly in love with you. I was infiltrated even before we met and when we were fighting to be free together I- I saw this spark in your eyes I’d never seen before and I think it was determination but... I have been stupid and denied this for so long and just expected you to read my mind and know but-,” Harry smiled weakly. “I’m in love with you, Louis Tomlinson.”

 Louis looked up at Harry with his blood shot blue eyes. Harry was in love with him.

 After all of that second guessing and doubting himself and telling himself he’d read it wrong and that losing Adeline and the baby had broken him and- and Harry was in love with him?

 “You’re in love with me?” Louis checked and Harry nodded.

“I do want to fuck up the media with you but I also- I also love you and that’s why I want to do it with you, that’s only ever been the reason I’ve wanted to fuck everything up with you Louis.” Harry told him earnestly. “If it wasn’t for you I’d sit happily until White Eskimo left McGee and that would be it. I’d pretend to love Kendall and any other model they threw at me but like I said, I’d give it all up if you said the word. I couldn’t be happy if I couldn’t tell people I loved you because it wouldn’t feel right. I want to kick down the closet doors with you and shout it out to the fucking world that I love you and not just because it’s forbidden. I can’t be what Adeline was to you but I can try and I can be something else.”

 “Harry, I don’t know if I’m ready for another relationship.” Louis told Harry quietly. “Look at me.”

Harry did. Louis was sat there, small, next to him with tear streaked cheeks and swollen red eyes. His lips were puffy and his nose was red but all Harry wanted to do was try and make him feel better so that the glowing, happy Louis that he saw so often could return.

 “I am looking at you.” Harry told Louis, running his eyes along Louis’ jawline and interlocking his fingers into Louis’. “I look at you a lot and you’re beautiful Louis.” He whispered and bought Louis’ hand up to kiss it.”

Louis shook his head and pulled his hand away. “I’m a mess Harry.”

The words were so heart breaking to hear and Harry wished Louis could see how strong he was, wished Louis could see how beautiful he was.

 “Don’t say that.” Harry pleaded. “You are so fucking strong, you’ve been put through so much more than me and you’re still here, still doing your job and excelling at it. You are the only thing that I want and it scares me how strong this feeling is; if you want to quit your tour to sort your head out I will quit anything I have to as well to be with you.”

 Louis shook his head again. “You don’t know what you’re saying Harry.”

“Stop telling me what I think,” Harry commanded, “Because I know what I am saying and I do!” Harry insisted. “I love you and I know it’s love because it’s this indescribable feeling that’s been bubbling away inside of me since this first kiss and sometimes it makes me want to just jump off a building because I see you with other people. Other times and you’re near me and you’re letting me in it feels like I am flying above the clouds and nothing could stop me but then you let someone else into your bed and it’s gone and I want to skin that person. That sounds possessive and scary but it’s how I feel when I’m around you and it’s been eating away for too long Louis, I need to do something about it.”

 Louis could do nothing but stare at Harry and try and think of something to say – a warning to the boy who felt lost and confused and was only sure of one thing. “You love me?” Louis asked again and Harry nodded, slowly but surely with burning embers in his eyes.

 “Is it mutual?” Harry asked finally and Louis shut his eyes, not trusting himself to do or say the right thing.

He felt his head nod and then he felt Harry’s hands on his and when he opened his eyes again Harry was staring back at him still, the embers in his green eyes now a full blown fire and there was a smile on his face. Louis let out a choked up laugh of relief that his body had listened and he leant into to Harry and in what felt like the first time in forever let the elated and bubbling feeling fill him again as he remembered what it was like to feel some worth.

 “Are you sure?” Harry checked. “You’re not going to wake up tomorrow in a bad mood and take back everything?”

 “Of course not.” Louis shook his head. “Fucking hell Harry, you’re all I want, so much it’s hurting.

 It was mutual. Everything was mutual. Everything was shit and Louis and Harry had no idea what they were doing or where they were going but it was mutual. Beards could be forgotten, fake babies could be gotten through and they’d soon be free. Free together.

 The two made their way back into the marquee when they’d calmed down, hands tightly clasped. They danced together, slowly and quickly and when it was over they went up to Louis’ hotel room and cuddled and kissed and spoke and cuddled and kissed some more.

 Then when they went back to their homes they didn’t spend a day apart. Their time together in London was limited and they were conscious of that but they made the most of every second. Harry finally saw Louis and Finn’s flat, he taught Louis how to cook and he let himself say the things he meant to say.

 And Louis smiled and Louis forgot he was hurting. Louis kissed Harry and he held Harry and let him hold him. He introduced Harry to his family when they went up to Doncaster for a day and then Harry insisted on taking Louis to see his own mother and sister the day after. They spent hours in the car singing along to the radio and smiling and just being happy and carefree for a week.

Louis had forgotten what that felt like.

Harry had forgotten what it felt like to be so sure of himself and how he felt.

They’d both forgotten how happy they made each other.

They had each other and were finally on the same page.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive thank you to a lot of people! Mira (@kingofthejungleandcultleader) for beta-ing and helping me so so much with this, I cannot express how great you've been; Amelia (@beautiful-ferret) for putting up with constant updates on this fic since February despite the fact she didn't really care and so many more people. Everyone who left a comment or messaged me about this, everyone who shared or reblogged this, everyone who left kudos: THANK YOU!!! xxx  
> I'm going to sleep now but please leave kudos, comments and share the fic if you enjoyed it, it will mean the world to me! I'm @written-with-no-end on tumblr, please don't be scared to find and talk to me, I will always reply :D  
> That is all  
> Lots of love XXXX


	19. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a little bit of closure :)

 “Babe, come here.” Harry called, barely through the door.

Louis looked up from his phone and climbed off the sofa. He stretched and then padded down the corridor of Harry’s flat to the front door. Louis had been staying at Harry’s flat for almost a week now. The tour was over and there was a quiet week in London before they began their album promo tour.

 “What it is?” Louis asked, pulling Harry in for a kiss. Harry had only been gone for a meeting for an hour and tonight they were planning on going out for a secretive dinner with Anne and Gemma. Louis hadn’t met Harry’s parents yet and was ever so slightly shitting himself. Anyway, back to Harry.

 His hair was growing longer again but Louis still missed the long curls. He sometimes saw Harry go to run his hands through his hair and ended up clutching thin air but it was all for charity and Harry refused to complain.

 “You know how my contract with McGee doesn’t finish until March so we didn’t think we’d be able to come out until then?” Harry asked.

 “Yes...” Louis nodded slowly. “What about it?”

“Well I had a chat with McGee and- well it turns out his son recently came out as gay and- well he’s got a very different outlook on homosexuality now and I’m allowed to come out at New Year’s with you!”

 “Wait- what?” Louis frowned. “Seriously?”

“Yes.” Harry nodded with a huge smile. “We can do the midnight post like we planned to, it’s going to be perfect!”

 “So after all these years, after all of this bullshit McGee put you through and suddenly you’re free because it turns out his son is gay?”

 “Yeah.” Harry nodded. “It’s sort of shitty that it took his son to make him see clearly but- well we’re going to be free really soon.”

“Fifty one days.” Louis smiled. He’d started counting the days again, ever since the wedding.

“Is that all that’s left?”

 “Yes. Fifty one days until I am free from Jones’ bullshit and you can come out with me!”

 

“How many days?” Harry’s voice was wistful down the phone and Louis’ heart ached that he wasn’t there in London anymore. Then he remembered that Harry wasn’t in London anymore either, he was on tour somewhere in the UK with White Eskimo now.

 “Forty three.”

“Not long at all then?” Harry asked and Louis shook his head.

 “Not long at all.” Louis confirmed. “Where are you?”

“I’m in Leeds. Your family came to the show last night.”

 “They did?”

“Yeah. Lottie bought them back stage and I met all of them. You have a lovely family Lou.”

Horror filled Louis’ face as he realised what that meant. “Shit, were they nice to you? They didn’t tell you anything about me did they? Oh god, have they scared you off?”

Harry laughed down the phone, filling Louis with a sense of relief. “Louis, don’t worry. I think I passed the ‘meet the parents’ test.”

 “I am supposed to be there for that test!”

“Well you weren’t and it still went fine. There’s only forty three days left and we’re going to be just fine.”

 “Yeah.” Louis smiled. “Of course we are.”

 

Harry saw it was Louis calling him and answered the call with no hesitation. He didn’t even give Louis a moment to say hello. “Your album went straight to number one, I’m so proud of you!”

 “Thank you Haz, I love you.”

 “I love you too Louis.” Harry grinned and looked up and down the aisles of the shop, trying to work out what to get Louis for his birthday and Christmas. “How long until you’re home?”

 “Ten days.”

“And how long until we’re free?”

 “Thirty six.”

“Holy shit, that’s only just over a month.”

 “Yeah. We’re getting close now. Where will you be when I land back in London?”

 “Dublin.”

 Louis sighed. “When will you be back in London?”

“Fourteen days but at least when you’re back in the UK we’ll be in the same time zone. I’ve missed you.”

 “I’ve miss you too. I have to go now because we’re busy but I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“Yeah, I’m glad you called.” Harry murmured, an idea for a present slowly forming in his brain as he recognised the song playing over the PA.

 “I’ll be back soon and I’m going to cuddle you so hard.” Louis smiled.

“Me too.” Harry checked that there was no one nearby. “I’m going to fuck you so hard too.”

 Louis just laughed as he ended the call.

 

Louis was pacing up and down the corridor of his flat, driving Finn mad, as he waited for Harry to text him and tell him that he was home safe. When Louis knew Harry was home then he could head over and finally see him for the first time in too long. His phone was clutched in his hand and he was checking it obsessively but there was no word from Harry.

 “Do you think his flight was delayed? Shit, what if he was mobbed at the airport?”

“Louis, he’ll be fine. He’ll have his big, strong, security man and it won’t be the first time he’s ever been through an airport. Why are you worrying so much?”

 “I haven’t seen him in ages, am I not allowed to worry about my boyfriend?” Louis asked, maybe slightly haughtily. Finn just shrugged and turned back to his laptop; he was ordering Christmas presents and although Louis hated to admit it, he had no idea what to get Harry.  “What are you getting James?”

 “An engagement ring.” Finn smiled. “I planned to propose in May but everything was a bit crazy with you and the tour and- it didn’t feel right doing it when you were so down and looking back I don’t think we were ready but- well I’ve got it and it’s in the drawer by my bed. I’ve asked his parents, they’re really excited.”

 “Oh, that’s amazing.” Louis smiled. “He’s going to say yes, you know that.”

Finn smiled shyly. “I hope so. What are you getting for Harry?”

 “I don’t know.” Louis admitted. “It’s got to mean something and I honestly don’t know what I could give him that means enough.”

 Finn nodded like he understood. “Something will come to you, don’t worry.”

“I bloody hope so.” Louis muttered, checking his phone again. There was still nothing so Louis groaned and went to join Finn on the sofa, bored of pacing up and down their flat.

 “You two are going to have almost all of next year together, you can wait ten minutes,” Finn chuckled, “but I will of course be having stern words with Harry about making you wait.”

 The doorbell rang and Louis frowned, they weren’t expecting anyone. He got up and answered the door, he didn’t even have a chance to register who it was before a tall, curly haired man with limbs too long for his body was squeezing him in a bear hug.

 “I missed you so much.” Harry murmured into Louis’ hair, not letting him go. “I couldn’t wait, I had to come straight here.”

 “I’m glad you came here, maybe next time warn me though, I think I had a heart attack.” Louis smiled back. Harry chuckled and pressed a kiss to Louis’ forehead.

 Finn shook his head and called down the hall. “Harry, he’s been driving me mad all afternoon. Take him away and sort him out.”

 “You mean punish him?” Harry asked with a mischievous sparkle in his eye.

“I don’t care.” Finn called back and Harry laughed and whispered back to Louis.

 “Don’t worry, I’m not going to punish you, I’m going to treat you like a King.”

 

 

 

“Nineteen days.” Harry smiled sleepily when Louis opened his eyes. “And-,” he added, “only twelve days until Christmas. Eleven days until your birthday.”

 “All these things happening.” Louis nodded. He still didn’t have a birthday present for Harry though, fuck. “What do you want for Christmas?”

 “I don’t know. Nothing really, I’ve got you and there’s nothing else I need.” Louis rolled his eyes and pretended to vomit. Harry was too cute sometimes.

 “Okay, stop being sappy. For real, what do you want?”

“Louis, you don’t have to get me anything.”

 “But people always say that...” Louis moaned. “I have to get you something.”

“Get me some socks, I always need socks.”

 Louis just shook his head helplessly and swung his legs out of the bed. “Do you want a cup of tea?”

 “Yes please.” Harry smiled and Louis smiled fondly, heading to the kitchen to make them some. As he did he pulled out his phone and began to scroll through Instagram.

 And then, out of the blue, the idea came to him. He opened up Google and found the website. He checked dates and locations, found a London show and thanked God when he saw it wasn’t sold out. He ordered two tickets and smiled to himself, it looked like he did have a present for Harry after all.

 

Louis was heading up to Doncaster for Christmas and Harry was going to be at home in Cheshire. Louis knew he should be in Doncaster and he wanted to be with his family, to be surrounded by the people he loved, but he also wanted to be with Harry.

 “How about I come up to Doncaster with you so I’m with you on your birthday and then head to my Mum’s in the evening?” Harry suggested and Louis nodded. That sounded like a good plan.

 

 “Morning sunshine.” Harry smiled sleepily. “Happy birthday.”

“Happy Christmas Eve.” Louis returned before smiling happily into the kiss Harry gave him. They cuddled and kissed slowly for a few minutes before a gentle knock on the door pulled them apart. “Come in!” Louis called out, putting a little bit of distance between the two of them and Lottie and Jay’s heads poked around the door, followed by Fizzy and the two sets of twins, all perching on the bed or standing around it.

 “Happy Birthday!” They all chorused and Louis accepted their cards and present. He worked through the cards, laughing at the little drawings in the twin’s and grimacing at the bad joke in Lottie’s while she insisted Harry had told her to put it.

 Louis turned to Harry who had Ernest sat in his lap and told him to stay away from Lottie with his jokes before turning to the present. It was a large, book shaped present but too thin and too big to be a novel. He carefully prised off the paper, nodding as Phoebe told him proudly that she’d wrapped it and found a carefully printed photo book in between the wrappings.

 “We know you miss home.” Jay said quietly as Louis opened it up, finding it absolutely crammed full of photos of him with his closest friends and family. “We got photos off of Olly, Will, Finn, Heidi and Kerri as well. Even Di and Trevor donated a few. You’ve had it tough this year Louis and we just wanted to you to know we all love you.”

 Louis nodded, too overcome to speak as he found a collection of photos of him with Amy from throughout the years. “Did you organise this, Mum?” He asked, blinking through the coming tears.

 Jay nodded and Louis pulled her down into a gracious hug. “Thank you.” He murmured.

“The girls arranged the pages.” Jay acknowledged. “And Harry did the words and lyrics and stuff.”

 “Lyrics?” Louis frowned. He’d noticed the poetic captions to all of the photos but Harry turned to the inside front cover and revealed some beautiful artwork. There was a collection of birds, resembling both Harry’s chest ones and the few tattooed on Louis’ own body and in the middle was _“If I could fly, I’d be coming right back home to you.”_ Then Harry turned wordlessly to the back cover and there was the same bird design, two of them with strangely familiar eyebrows and in the middle was, in Harry’s handwriting, ‘ _I’ll make this feel like home.”_

 “I don’t know those lyrics.” Louis murmured as a tear rolled down his cheek. He turned to Harry for answers and Harry blushed slightly.

 “I might have written a song for you.” He admitted quietly. “Your Mum’s heard it.”

“It’s beautiful.” Jay smiled. “Anyway, we’ll go and get breakfast ready, give you two a minute.”

 “Thanks Mum.” Louis smiled and waited until the door was closed behind them before he turned to Harry. “What’s this song?”

“Well- I wrote it with White Eskimo.” Harry told Louis. “And then got Will, Olly and Finn in on it too. So if you like it’s The White Rogues or something like that but-,”

 “Haz, play it.” Louis demanded and Harry pulled out his phone, finding the file.

It started with a guitar before Liam came in, “ _Making little conversations, so long I’ve been waiting, to let go of myself and feel alive._ ”

 Niall took over. “ _So many nights I thought it over, told myself I kinda liked her but there was something missing in her eyes.”_

_“I was stumbling, looking in the dark, with an empty heart.”_

“Is that you?” Louis asked, eyes wide at Harry’s falsetto. Harry nodded

 “ _But you say you feel the same, could we ever be enough, baby we could be enough.”_

_“It’s alright, calling out for somebody to hold tonight, when you’re lost, I’ll find the way, I’ll be your light, you’ll never feel like you’re alone, I’ll make this feel like home.”_

Harry hummed along to the chorus and Louis listened intently for the next verse. To Louis’ surprise, Will came in.

  _“So hard that I couldn’t take it, want to wake up and see your face and remember how good it was being here last night.”_

Harry took over. _“Still high with a little feeling, I see the smile as it starts to creep in, it was there I saw it in your eyes.”_

Then it was Zayn with the same pre-chorus as before. “ _I was stumbling, looking in the dark, with an empty heart. But you say you feel the same, could we ever be enough? Baby we could be enough.”_

“That sounds like Sweet Disposition.” Louis murmured softly as the chorus kicked in again and Harry nodded ever so slightly.

 When the chorus came around Louis could hear bits of everyone. Olly was in there, Will and Finn along with White Eskimo. The song felt like home.

 “Thank you.” Louis smiled, pulling Harry in for a hug. “I love it. This and the photo book. They’re perfect.”

 “I got you a Christmas present as well.” Harry told Louis quietly. “Do you want to open it now or tomorrow?”

 “Now.” Louis said. “With you here.”

“Okay.” Harry reached down his side of the bed and pulled out an envelope. “I’m sorry I didn’t decorate it any prettier but- well I hope you like it.”

 “They’re tickets?” Louis asked nervously. What if he and Harry had got each other tickets to the same thing? He opened them with a shaking hand and pulled out two concert tickets for _The Temper Trap._

“Speaking of Sweet Disposition.” Harry smiled. “Do you like them?”

“Oh my god, I’m going to get to see them!” Louis smiled, hugging them to his chest. “Thank you!” He examined the tickets again, noting that the date was two days before what he’d booked tickets for. “Would you like your Christmas present?”

 “Sure.” Harry nodded.

Louis reached down and pulled up the wrapped package and envelope. “It’s not quite a song but- well I tried my best. I was struggling and so there’s a few small things but-,”

 “Louis, hand it over.” Harry insisted and Louis surrendered the present. Harry opened the envelope first and pulled out the tickets, a large smile taking over his face. “No way.” He breathed.

“These tickets sold out the day after I got them.” Louis smiled slightly.

Harry turned over the tickets to the RuPaul’s Drag Race tour and then pulled Louis in for another big hug. “We’re actually going to see the Queens! Oh my god, they’re all so beautiful- oh my god!”

 “Yes, we’re seeing them.” Louis nodded with smile. “Now open the presents, there are two things wrapped up.”

 “Two?” Harry asked and Louis nodded so Harry unwrapped it.

 The first thing he pulled out of the wrappings was a picture frame with a photo Harry had never seen before. “Holy shit.” He murmured. “When’s this from? Is this the day we met?”

Louis nodded. He’d done some asking around and White Eskimo’s tour photographer had emailed Louis a photo from the day they’d met backstage around the moment Harry asked Louis to the party. His arm was around Louis’ shoulder and they were looking into each other’s eyes with big smiles on their faces. Harry still had his long hair, Louis’ smile was light and his eyes weren’t heavy, it was a beautiful photo.

 “Why have I never seen this before?”

“Cal had it.” Louis told Harry. “He didn’t realise he did but I was desperate. I asked Niall if he had a better quality version of our first kiss and almost asked the people who own my building if I could get access to the CCTV of that second time we kissed. Eventually Cal found this and I got it printed for you.”

 “It’s beautiful.” Harry smiled. “Thank you. What’s the last thing?”

“Just a little thing.” Louis blushed. “I only collected it yesterday.”

 Harry pulled out the thickly bound journal and turned over. “A journal?” Then he fell silent as on the front in golden letters was printed:

_Harry Styles, fucking things up with you was the best thing that ever happened to me – L.T_

“Open it.” Louis said quietly and Harry did. Every single page of it was individual, decorated with lyrics Louis associated with Harry or little doodles of Harry’s tattoos of quotes that Harry had said.

 “You did all this?” Harry asked. “Like- there are hundreds of pages in here. How did you do this?”

“I think about you a lot.” Louis smiled. “Someone says Harry and my mind explodes with all these thousands of thoughts about you and all I had to do was get them down.”

Harry turned to a page that had in the corner, in Louis’ handwriting, “heart of gold and boots to match”.

 “Didn’t my Mum say this?”

“Yes.” Louis nodded. “And I think it’s perfect.”

Harry was still slowly turning the pages, examining everyone in great detail when there was a soft knock on the door again.

 “Lou, Harry, breakfast is ready.”

“Coming!” Louis called and then pulled Harry in for a final kiss. “I love you so much, Harry.”

 “I love you too.” Harry murmured.

And so Louis’ birthday was full of hugs, kisses and happiness. It was when the evening came around and Harry had to leave that Louis felt a pang of sadness.

 “Do you have to go?”

“You’re coming to mine on Boxing Day.” Harry reminded Louis. “It’s two nights.”

 “I’m going to miss you though.” Louis sighed. “Drive really safely. Like. Safer than you’ve ever driven before. It’s getting dark and cold.”

 “I’m going to drive safely.” Harry promised. “I’m glad you liked your presents.”

“Me too. I’ll see you in two days.”

 “I love you.” Harry said.

“I love you too.” Louis nodded and kissed Harry good bye.

 

When Boxing Day came around Louis drove over to Harry’s home in Cheshire and met Harry’s Mum and sister for the second time. They were just like him, light hearted and full of warmth, it already felt like home. Louis met Harry’s cat and was subjected to a killer game of scrabble which he lost by far too many points.

 When they made their way back to London for New Year’s they were both full of smiles, happiness and love. Louis had never felt so refreshed after a trip home and on New Year’s Eve, while setting up Louis’ traditional New Year’s Eve party, Louis got a phone call from Kerri.

 “Hiya Kerri.” He smiled, leaving Harry to sort out the drinks. “How was your Christmas?”

“Very good, Amy is exhausted after riding her new scooter up and down the street a thousand times, thank you for getting her it, she insists the streamers make her go faster.”

 “They do.” Louis nodded with a smile. “I’m going to miss working with you.”

“Well you’re going to be my baby sitter so I don’t think you’re going to miss me too much.” Kerri chuckled. “I got a new job offer today from Little Mix’s team but I’m not sure whether to take it.  It’ll be more controlling management and having to watch artists suffer.”

 “They’re nice girls though, they’re a good laugh.” Louis reminded Kerri. “They’re strong too, a little bit of media work isn’t going to get them down.”

 “You’re strong too, Louis.” Kerri reminded Louis but agreed with him about Little Mix. “I think I’ll go for it, I know quite a few of their team well.”

 “Do it.” Louis nodded. “Happy New Year’s by the way.”

“Yes, you too.” Kerri smiled. “One day to go.”

 “There is.” Louis agreed. “I’m coming out at midnight and Harry’s allowed to do it with me.”

“Well done.” Kerri smiled. “I’m really proud.”

Louis finished his phone call with Kerri with a huge smile on his face and made his way back to Harry. “I’ve got a really good feeling about next year.”

 “Yeah?”

“It’s going to be good. Really happy.”

 “I’m glad.” Harry smiled. “Do you want to help me pin up these lights?”

 

When the time came near, Louis and Harry snuck away. This was private, this wasn’t for anyone else. This was the two of them announcing who they really were to the world and they wanted to do it, just the two of them together.

The count downstairs was loud and Louis and Harry’s eyes were trained on Louis’ phone where the time read 23:59. They were almost there. They were almost done.

“It’s midnight.” Harry whispered as the numbers on his phone changed. “You’re free!”

 “C’mere.” Louis smiled and pulled Harry in for a kiss, coming out could wait. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Harry smiled and they kissed again before Louis pulled out his phone. The post was ready and he hit ‘post’ before pulling Harry into another kiss. “Love you so much.”

 “I’m free.” Louis smiled. “You got me here, I don’t know if I would have made it without you.”

“Don’t talk like that.” Harry scolded before kissing the end Louis’ nose. “We got each other here.”

 “I meant it, you know.” Louis murmured.

“Yeah?”

 “Fucking things up with you was the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“I’m glad I could help.” Harry smiled shyly back, “although maybe we could have done it a little bit better.”

 “Maybe.” Louis chuckled. “But we’re happy now, that’s all that matters, right?”

“Right.” Harry nodded. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it, this is really over now :) If you have any questions then please ask, either on here or my tumblr (@written-with-no-end)  
>  This has been a wonderful journey and I'm glad I could share it with all of you!! Thank you for all being amazing!! :*  
>  Lots of love Xx

**Author's Note:**

> Please, please comment and also leave kudos  
> You can find me on tumblr @written-with-no-end


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